my husband was so pleased with my speedy recovery after my mastectomy and was for ever telling me how well I had done and telling other people how well I looked and was coping.
It is now two weeks after my operation and I am still quite sore and get tired easily but the wonderful support from my husband has vanished overnight . He now thinks that I am ready to return to work and that I am taking advantage of the help my sister and mother have been giving to me! I have heard countless stories from my husband informing me of people that have returned to work almost immediately and have worked through the chemotherapy. I have not even started mine yet. I feel hurt and confused by his behavior.
Sorry to hear that your husband is not offering continued support. Is it perhaps that he is not able to face the seriousness of the situation and by thinking that you are well enough to go back to work then you are not really ill… sadly men find it hard to deal with these situations and often either stick their head in the sand and ignore the problem or make up their own version of events … hope he manages to get his head together soon.
Best of luck with your chemo when it starts.
Hi Rasher
Return to work after 2 weeks ! What is he thinking of?
I too have not understood my partner’s behaviour at times. It’s 5 weeks since my bilateral mastectomies and I don’t feel ready to return to work. He mutters “the longer you leave it the harder it will be” " you have to get back to normal sometime" - I can’t even open doors yet.
I have come to the conclusion that we (YOU) have to think of yourself at the moment - you have had a major operation and need time to recover physically and emotionally and not be rushed by family, work, medical staff. The treatments affect everyone differently. Under the “After Treatment has Finished” category there is a thread about an article by Dr Peter Harvey which is so useful.
Hope your husband wakes up to the reality of it all soon and gives you the support you deserve.
Best Wishes
Misha
Men can be odd. They only seem to be able to cope with practical solutions and in my case, I have worked this out. Mostly he say’s nothing, it’s a mind reading senario! I like you was still unwell after 2 wks but needed some me time and tried to get him back to work (he was self employed). He just didn’t go back for 12mths and it was me nearing a nervous breakdown that insisted he had to or we would loose our house!!
At a time when we need support and a strong hand, some of us have to muddle through and actually become the strong person. Not nice, but life.
On more than one occasion I have had to say to my OH ‘You think I am cured don’t you?’ He never says yes of course, but he never says no either!
If I were you, I’d try and have it out with him. You can use me and others on here as a benchmark. I was off work for 11 mths, no way could I work through Chemo and those that do are lucky and are in the minority. I returned in a very limited way, gradually working up to 2 days (I had been full time). After 10 mths. I am still not A1 and have severe side affects from the medication.
Don’t want to be all doom and gloom, but your OH needs to know that some of us, you included need more than 2 wks to get over this illness, infact some never get ‘over’ it. I blaim people like Trisha for the general public thinking it’s an easy ride!
Oh just remembered, my husband also told people how well I was doing but never actually asked me! Could they be twins seperated at birth!
Keep your chin up and try and be as strong as you can. Feel free to wisper back if you want a private chat, we have so much in common.
Irene
Hi all I was reading about my OH when i read this !!! 7 mths after dx mast recon and so on …I am cured !!! or is that what he wants to believe in 7 mths I have had 4 weeks off work !!! came to the see the consultant once the day I got my dx .His mum died of BC and he has never got over it …but that was 30 years ago .!! we do have a lot to put up with our oh ;s
Maybe triplets separeted at birth girls !!
many thanks to all the ladies who replied to my email. It made smile some of the comments about our OH.
Well - I could have been reading about my OH… too!!! - Glad Im not the only one who has one like that. He doesnt talk about any of it. I’ve got 2nd chemo on friday … My youngest has asked if she can stay at a friends from school friday night and be collected on Sat morning…Well like getting blood out of a stone - asked him to collect the youngest at 10 am then take both girls to our yard to do horses and ride all day - they have a show on Sunday. His comment ’ what if ive got work to do?..’ I replied I have got chemo friday - you are not supposed to be working that weekend we have discussed this… after going through it all again hes agreed hes doing it…that s after I ranted about 'who was the one on treatment?.. Problem is i have been very lucky so far - after each op (of which there have been 3) I ve recoved quickly ans healed really well. After chemo session 1 I was up and about by the end of the weekend - and all back to normal within the week - So he doesnt see me as ‘ill’ - make a rod for my own back… springs to mind I know Im very independant BUT now and again it would be nice for OH to do something without me asking.
Had my rant now - at least he is out working - we are both self employed - and i can work as and when. I am lucky I know.
Oh yes - and when I mentioned about my hair falling out - he looked surprised!!! 4 got i started treatment!!! We go out for a drink the other night (as hes been horibel to live with 4 weekend) and hes says hes having trouble getting his head round me having no hair - even said hed shave his off as well (Y?) MEN!!! wish theyd talk properly…!!!
finished ranting now feel much better thanks all
Leesha
Right Leesha, this is just too spooky, your husband MUST be mines twin! Glad you have had a rant, we all need one sometime. I have always written everything down on a house calender so there is absolutely no reason why he should ‘forget’ important stuff. He just doesn’t care that much, and puts himself first, always. Where as I put myself last. Well used to. Now kids are grown up I try and put me first but always consider him and ask if things suit. Think I’l stop doing that! I’m away for weekend alone! can’t wait!
Irene
a weekend alone - bliss… thinking of suggesting he goes back to scotland for a few weeks!!! Hes only came back last thursday had 10 days away … working on a big estate in Argyll… Infact maybe I should go cos its beautiful there R & R def called for. Wonder if he;; cook on sat? Bet they decide to have chinese…just when i wont fancy it!!
Hope u have a lovely time away…enjoy
Leesha
Well the rant worked… feel better…amd have had apology for being complete ******* (any word will fit) and had cuddle. Only did have to remind him not to run his fingers through my hair (although usually a nice sesnsation) i would like to hang on to what is still there.!!!
Not offered to go shopping though…which would be lovely…so id best go today if we are to eat over the coming week. I need some ginger buscuits ready for tomoz.
xxx Leesha
HAd 2nd FEC friday - and guess what OH came so noe he kows how long everything takes adn why i might be so tired. Lovely surprise sunday I took girls showjumoping and came back to clean tidy kitchen and a sunday roast on the go!!!Where has my OH gone whose got him!!! PLease keep for a bit longer.
HAd hair shaved yesterday - ok with it - much better then moulting everywhere.
So there is hope for OH’s especially if mine has turned a corner (for how long I dont know)
Leesha
Unfortunately men like to compartmenalise everything (think I’ve spelt that wrong, in fact I know I’ve spelt it wrong, blame the drink). They want you to have your illness, dust you down afterwards for a couple of weeks afterwards with a few kind words and the odd cup of tea, occasional hoovering if necessary, then they think they’ve done their bit, and then that’s it, it’s get your butt up sister, get on with life, and don’t expect any sympathy for the next 6 months. Everything has to be neat and ordered. Illness doesn’t come into that sphere of their mentality.
Well my husband is a doctor and although I have had BC twice, once 18 years ago and again last year, he is just as Julie22 above says without the odd cup of tea or hoovering! If I had been a patient it would have been completely different. He never ever refers to it and life goes on, for him, as if it had never happened. I have become so used to it now but do sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have had some sympathy and tenderness.
Hi Leesha
Glad OH has seen sense, hope it lasts! I found the hair thing did make him realise I was really really sick, coz at that point he hadn’t even seen my scar (wuss!)
If I could turn back time I would be more dramatic!!! Wake him from his deep slumber when I was throwing up red stuff (fec) and passing you know what from the other end at the same time. I did that all alone because I didn’t want to disrupt his sleep, arrrh bless!
Irene
Oh I sound sooooo bitter, how awful!
No not bitter…but it is awful really that this seems to pass them by… as im on a good roll this week everything gone back to normal which is good in a way …but…you know sometime a bit of extra thought would be nice…without the hissy fit from me…which makes him say im always nagging… He has also not found it in himself to look at the scar… but his parents are v similar… they have not rung him to see of we are ok bearing in mind i had 2nd chemo 2 weeks ago and am going again next week…No checking to see if they can help…unlike my parents and all my very good friends. We have a wonderful neighbour… I came home yesterday and hes mowed my lawn…So i asked if I could pay him to do the windows (shameless of me but needs must…)
I do some times wonder how i am going to feel about things when all is over and i am finished with the treatment? and when our children have gone…?
Why do we just carry on and excuse their lack of ability to show concern or compassion?
Sorry got a bit carried away - hope you’re all doing well and thanks for allowing me to rant.
Leesha
hi everyone
excuse any spelling mistakes cos ive had a bad day was supposed to be meeting folk for lunch but have recently found out ive got bone secondaries and my hip is killing me so i couldnt go, so i’m sitting drowning my sorrows with gin…anyway my husband is great really, it was our anniversary recently and he sent me this card in which he had written a lovely message which is really unlike him as he doesnt normally show much emotion. However…yesterday i went to my GP for some extra painkillers as my hip is absolutely killing me, think i’ve mentioned that before lol, and on the way home he said to me can you run in to tesco and get my lottery ticket cos he had on old trackies and didnt want to get out the car!!! F— me, thnk they are all the same eh
Trish
I’d just like to add to this thread… I am one of those women who returned to work straight after surgery. I work from home, sitting on a sofa typing on this very laptop.
I am also working through chemotherapy… same job, more tired than I was after surgery though, that’s the chemo I reckon.
Does OH know that some of us who are working through have jobs that don’t demand being with other people (thank god, I’m foul tempered sometimes at the mo) and some jobs don’t demand energy either… 2 week, back to work. I’ve seen men suffer longer (and apparently worse) from a common cold LOL 
I’m also not so tired that I could thump OH if he made stupid remarks like that 
Fortunately my OH has confessed that he too is seriously bored of all this treatment but does respect that he’s probably not as bored of it as me, I’m not so sure, he has to put up with the moods poor thing.
To Trish - I hope you told him what he could do with his lottery ticket, starting with F and ending in off !!!
On the general men front, I think the best way is to expect nothing, and then any show of affection or support or emotion will be a benefit, and you won’t ever be disappointed. No expections equals no disappointments !!
had a look round the chemotherapy unit last week with oh,start my treatment next wednesday.
the unit was very busy with a mixture of ages but it settled me a little to see how things were set up.
That night sat having a drink with oh he came out with the classic that having chemo cannot be that bad as there were some old people having it done and they seemed all right! I am still amazed by his comment !