Ok well I am doing really well regarding my breast cancer diagnosis, and taking it all in my stride but today I am so angry.
I went to the doctor on monday as I have a lump on my head thats not going she said shes going to send me to the dermatologist clinic for them to look but shes sure its nothing serious. But nevertheless it needs looking at!
Well to be honest, that seems to be the final straw, I am so angry today I feel like running through my garden and ripping up all my plants, breaking everything I have spent months growing in my greenhouse! I am not sure if its because maybe my period would be due now. I had a hysterectomy end of November last year, but still have ovaries and it does feel a bit like a pmt feeling.
I am so angry with my husband, hes normally brilliant, but he went out with his friends yesterday for a drink and a meal knowing I was feeling really down about stuff. He did keep asking if I wanted him to come home, and I know he would off. Then just before they went for a meal he asked if I wanted him to come home. I said no, but the point is, I was having a bad day I should not have to ask him to come home, he should have just done it should he not.
Anyway hes gone to pick our sun up from school and I have just really had a moan at him and sent him some really stroppy texts. I get back, all you do is moan at me. Maybe I am moaning alot but I am so brave most of the time and dont make a fuss about the cancer and just get on with it, but today feels like the last straw and now I am crying, not sure whether its frustration or emotion, who knows. I think he should just ignore my moaning and realise there is a reason, or maybe I am being unreasonable.
Sorry I just had to put all this down as I had to speak to someone about it.
Hi there
I’ve so been there! I am fine 98% if the time, happy to go about my business, but its usually when some inanimate object fails I flip, and can get totally irrational. My bloke is really lovely, but he made the mistake of shouting me twice for my dinner when I was looking up some cancer stuff to talk to oncologist about next day. Well…it wasn’t a pretty scene. I’ve had a couple of meltdowns with sisters too, seems I’m so fine they ‘sometimes forget’ I’ve got cancer, which is fine when I want it that way, but not when I’m feeling a bit pathetic and in need of extra consideration. Don’t be too hard on your husband, cos he’s probably stressing out too. I have to keep reminding myself that I’d be lost without mine. I think they need their wee bit of space sometimes too.
And certainly don’t take it out on your plants!!! I have my greenhouse and plants that have been months in nurturing - I can’t say I’ve ever been that bad.
I think we cope with so much, then that little bit extra just tips the scales and it all goes to hell. But certainly don’t be hard on yourself. Having something else that needs looking at is tough when you’ve got the c thing going on.
And hope your dog is better behaved than my dog - mine may be cute but he’s a noisy little sod and the most difficult to train dog I’ve ever had - I like to think its because he’s so intelligent
Thanks sheil, You have hit upon something that really bugs me too. Because most of the time I am fine about my cancer, everyone who has been brilliant has suddenly started to forget I have it, which is fine when I am feeling that way, but today is a day when I want everyone to phone/text ask how I am and I am feeling a bit angry about that too!
Thanks for your post, it does help having someone to share your bad and good times with on here.
Hugs xxx
My dog is a labrador and is as good as gold until there is food around, then he turns into a great big huge greedy pig!! lol
oh I am so glad i am not the only one who has screamed at their other half for not reading my mind. We had an incident a couple of days ago because he booked golf rather than be with me this morning before we went for results in this afternoon.Total meltdown, what a good way to describe it.
I know, I think we expect them to be mind readers lol mine has come in and apologised! I think if i had not had a hysterectomy in November I would probably still be having a period so this is probably an episdode of pmt as I still have my ovaries! lol
Hey SGL - glad you’ve ranted; made me feel better as I feel the same way sometimes and then wonder why (and stupidly sometimes feel guilty too…). I just think our moods get exaggerated sometimes and we all need a supportive cuddle when putting on a brave face most of the time. So here’s a cyber cuddle that you don’t have to ask for. Our OHs can’t be mind readers - mine is fab in supporting me but never could read my mind and now we both find it even harder whilst trying to carry on “as normal”. Hey ho tomorrow will hopefully feel better for you - I was really down earlier this week and not sleeping well; took a sleeping tablet last night and energy and calmness have returned. Hope you find a way to relax.
Take care
Fran
x
I predict you might feel like apologising later, once the meltdown has solidified again. The thing is, we do expect them to be mindreaders and we get cross when they try to read our minds but get it wrong, and when they ask straight out we get cross with them too! Poor sods, they do have a lot to put up with…
And if you do feel the need to, try to be gentle with him too. They do suffer along with us and sometimes don’t feel they can let off steam themselves for fear of putting more pressure on us, but our partners and family are also under stress so we have to try to remember to be kind to them, even when they’re not thinking along the same lines as we are.
Hope you’re feeling a bit better, SGL (and OAL too), the brave face does have a nasty habit of disappearing without so much as a by-your-leave, how very dare it!
Thanks choccie I am feeling alot better now! We are speaking again too, so thats good. I think I will reach for the wine bottle tonight, not had a drink since sat!! haha
Thanks for your advice on the other thread, I did read it and then meant to reply in the morning but can’t remember which one it was lol but I am going to ring up the bcc helpline tomorrow and ask them why I have not been offered chemo. Your posts are very well written and you are a very good support to alot of people on here, including me, so thank you. (great name by the way) lol
And frances, I know it does feel better sometimes to realise your not the only one about to blow a gasket lol I am glad your sleep helped you and I hope you remain calm (well for a few days) haha xxxx
had total meltdown because someone hadn’t put a lamp back on a table. I cold just feel everything exploding, knew I shouldn’t be doing it but just couldn’t stop myself. Felt like a cow afterwards and hung head sheepishly. Am I mixing my metawotsits?
Yep Hipchick
I recognise the feeling. Its a bit like the bad angel really really winning over the good angel who’s tryin its little winged best to get you to act rationally like what you know you should. But the bad angel has got his tight grip on you and won’t let go, so you go screaming on and on about something, totally disproportionately (bit word for me that). And is the angel thing another metawhotsit or a analothinggy?
I guess I must have known I was going to be like this occasionally, as the afternoon after I got my diagnosis I took OH to pub for a pint to apologise for all he was going to have to go through. He’s a star really!!
hi
this is my first time on forum but felt I needed to reply. this week has seen me up and down and quite irrational. I am coping with the radio and with the mastectomy -but cant cope with life in general.
My husband has been fab and so have my two girls but I feel so alone.
I am going to a wedding tomorrow with all my family and I have had such a horrible time finding something to wear -cant have my prosthesis until radio stops in two weeks.
however my rational side says Im alive an fighting and whats a breast between friends.
hang on in there and eventually we will come out good !!!
HI - I think it is possible to feel two extremes of emotions at the same time. SO very pleased I am here - love life - enjoy everything and at the same time - HATE cancer - cross with everyone and everything and just want to be somewhere else!! Most of the time, as with most of you, the ‘loving life and so very happy’ is out infront - but at times the ‘hate it all’ gets its head in the lead! Then I expect everyone to know this and react to me differently!! But they still think the ‘loving life’ me is the one they are talking to!! Anyway - not sure any of this helps but…cancer is PANTS and I dont know why any of us are normal most of the time!
Hi Sadie
You’re right, its definitely pants, but I’d probably use stronger words when I’m on one of my downers. And I agree, I’m still amazed I can be so normal - well most of the time.
S
We’ll all of had our moments - it is like we expect people to be mindreaders isn’t it
Most of the time I’m getting on pretty well with it, doing my best to cope with SEs and the worry about if it’s killing off errant cells, scared of it not doing and developing Mets etc.
So when I do feel down, I expect him to *Know* somehow and respond exactly as I want him to, and friends too.
Bad days, I’m touchy and well aware I am, woe betide if my OH is flippant about anything - a few times I’ve snapped “well I’m sorry if I’m not perfect anymore, the chemo/cancer makes me tired so I’m not bloody sharp like I used to be… alright??? Jeeesus” - talk about a guilt trip - whoops.
But to be fair to us, if we’re “coping” all the time and getting on with things for the most part, then everyone thinks we’re OK and are managing, I suppose we just don’t want to tell people when we’re not all the time either.
I love hearing these things, it means we’re not all losing the plot or anything xxx
xxx