I am sorry for this rant. Please don't read if you are feeling fragile.

I have had …
Enough of being feckin nice to people about cancer.
I went for my last chemo today and after different people telling me that this was the last one (everyone shout hooorah) and it will then be all over and you"ll get your life back: dont you look good: you:ll get nice boobs like Jordan: you will really appreciate life due to your cancer diagnosis: bull, bull, bullllll.
I have supported peoples remarks by playing the pink fluffy game BUT enough.
I feel ill. I am ugly. my mum died and santa is not coming down the bloomin chimney xmas eve and presents for my children will be frugle as I will just about pay my mortgage this month.

Feck cancer

bump. bump. bump

Hi Jackster,
You probably won’t read this until later today as it has to be vetted…
Thats the only thing about this site, you can’t get a quick reply…
If it is later today, you are probably feeling a bit better and may even be chuckling at your rant…
But that is what this site is for… To rant, as and when, no games, no worrying about someone else’s feelings, no protecting others, and be yourself…sad, happy, mad, irratic, unreasonable…
The upshot is your last chemo… Xmas is a few weeks away, and so what! You feel awful on every level…
Losing mum is the worse, I can’t imagine your loss at such a terrifying time of your life and on top you grieve!
Kids will be ok with any little gift, they only want a happy mum, and you can make it up to them in the January sales, tbey’ll enjoy it more especially if they can chose what they want… As for Santa he’ll be back next year, and as for fluffy chat, let them have that one on you for now, but kick butt next year, when you feel stronger to.
My thoughts are so with you, you are expected to feel great, but on whose say so…
Im early stage myself, chemo looming for me, and I’m been brave for everyone else and not me…
I have decided to make life choices next year when all this crap is over…no more fluffy chat for me anymore, it’s gonna be about me and my loved ones from now on…
All the best to you, Maggie x

sorry to hear how yr feelin im at other end to u had mast n diepflap recon in oct have my first chemo on thurs 29th nov n already sick of people tellin me il b fine… that il get through it… n that its ONLY hai…r it a small price to pay… that it will grow back… n i can wear a hat cos its winter…yeah right cos it grows back over nite lol bloody idiots wonder if theyd feel like this if they had to go through it youre right cancer needs to go n get FEC-T right off sendin u(((((( hugs))))))))
sue x

Oh Jackster,

You sound so down in the dumps, and it’s a horrible place to be. You are so right others just don’t seem to get it. I too have felt angry by peoples comments, and depending on how I feel I can reason one way or the other; sometimes I’m able to be pragmatic and feel ‘they’ are trying to boost my ego, othertimes I think ‘how can you be so bloody patronising and insensitive’. A close friend suggested going through chemo/op’s/radio is no more difficult than having a baby!!! To be precise, someone said to me ‘I don’t know if I’d have the strength to go through what you’ve had to endure’ and my friend replied ‘of course you could, you’ve been through childbirth!’.

We all feel ugly at times. I’m ten months since last chemo and six months since last rads; recently I’ve felt a mess and make any excuse to not go out socially as although my hair has come back it is much thinner than before treatment. I imagine you lost your brows/lashes/hair/, and chemo stole your brain? These losses and the fear associated with cancer lower our confidence and can make us feel ugly, stupid, and lower our morale.

It is scary when treatment finishes, as your comfort blanket is snatched from you, and you feel so on your own. For you it must be extra difficult - to have no mum to comfort you. I get the impression you don’t have a partner either, I totally sympathise as you must feel so alone. I wish I could offer you some active support, as that’s what you need. Unfortunately all I can offer is understanding and words of support. Are there any breast cancer groups in your area, or a meet-up group here on BCC? I met up with some ladies I met here on the forums and it was a most positive experience for us all, speaking with others travelling this vile journey is comforting and an opportunity to discuss how you feel, I’m sure you’ll find most cancer patients have felt/do feel the same as you.

Please believe me you will have good days ahead, of course you’ll still have low days and that’s natural, but they WILL lessen. Try not to feel guilty that your children won’t receive the Christmas presents they are used to receiving, I’m sure for them the BEST present is their mum’s health, and Christmas can be enjoyed without the commercialism attached to it. As a family discuss other ways to enjoy the Christmas season, if everyone has a chance to input ideas you may be surprised by your childrens’ imaginative ideas and understanding, it is an opportunity to enjoy a simple Christmas, e.g. playing games and having fun together. Embrace each other and all will be OK. And do remember it’s only one of many Christmases.

Please keep communicating here, as I feel sure members will offer better words of wisdom than me. I’m still suffering chemo brain and find it difficult to articulate myself.

Sending you hugs,

Libby x

Hi Jackster,
Totally get where you are coming from . I have had a melt down at the weekend . feeling the same as you .
I feel fat ulgy and hate my hair - it has cime back grey thick and curly. But we are not fat and ulgy just the way we are feeling at this time in the cycle of cancer

Hope you are feeling better today ??

Hug for you and sending you lots of love

Rosiechin xx

H jackster
Totally know where your coming from. I’m 2 months post chemo and can’t seem to pick myself up. I’m going to the doctors next week to have a chat. I have had enough of feeling so low and can’t seem to pick myself up.
take care lots of hugs
Gillian xx

Big hug for you (((((HUG)))))
I totally understand how you feel - I finished active treatment at the end of February this year after 6 months of chemo, a radical MX on December 20th and then 15 x rads - and now tablets every day and checkups, mammogram 2nd bone scan and now talk of reconstruction. I lost my Dad 23 years ago and my mother just over 5 years ago.
My long blonde hair went and what came back is dark and frizzy - when I look in the mirror I don’t know who that woman is looking back at me.
I was receiving ESA benefits but they stopped 2 months ago - and financially it is a struggle.
But - I start and end each day by being grateful that I am still here and that there is a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. Yes we have had to make sacrifices and cut backs but we are happy. I don’t know how old your children are, but the charity shop where I volunteer get some fantastic toys and games in around this time of year. Yesterday there were some that came in still sealed in their boxes. We sell them for under £5.
And speaking from a personal point of view - I wouldn’t want Jordan’s boobs.
Hope you start feeling a bit happier soon - it is a tough time when you finish treatment as all friends and family think it is all “over” - and the reality for us is that it probably will never be over - it just becomes more bareable.

Hi Jackster!

I hear you sweetie. I’m going back to work on Monday after bilat mx. I hate my body, I have to lose 4 stone for recon next year and I’m sick to death of having to support everyone else! It’s my job of work to support kids in a school, I’m a counsellor but I can’t be dealing with the adults and all the s*** that seems to come my way!

Can I say this here? I have certain friends who have things going on in their lives and it’s not nice, but noone died. One of them even said that I had to wait for her to contact me as she doesn’t always feel like talking! Whatever! They are things that can be sorted with some positive action. Why won’t people get proactive. I’m waiting for BRCA genetics results and I feel like it’s the biggest nightmare hanging over my head! People who haven’t been through any of it just don’t get it at all! Everyone keeps saying how well I look, and I am well but I just don’t seem to have any patience with anyone!

I lost my mum 3 years ago and I wonder what she would have made of all this. My Dad is about as much use as a chocolate teapot! I have had to support him as he has Parkinsons and he has had difficulty coping with everything!

I am so grateful not to have to go through chemo and other stuff but I think because it was DCIS people don’t see it as being serious.

Gosh I’m on my own rant here! Sorry! I just take such comfort knowing it’s not just me. I’m seeing my BCN on Friday because I’m feeling adrift. That’s the only way I can describe it! Keep writing it all down and someone here will pick you up.

I’m sending you a massive hug.

Viv xxx

you rant away girl…if you can’t do it on here where can you???..all the other ladies have said everything so just sending you a massive hug…just keep posting and you will get all the support that ladies can give you…(((((hug))))

Dear Jackster,
your situation stinks and I really feel for you. Like you I have had a bereavement during my treatment - some days I seem really disconnected from everything and other days I am overwhelmed by it all. I finished FEC-T 4 weeks ago and am waiting to start RT.
I think you are doing the right thing by having a rant and letting all the feelings out - I can recommend cushion thumping as well, even called my cushion FEC and bashed it, kicked it, threw it and then ended up laughing at myself! It also gave the kids something to think about. Someone else suggested finding other women who have gone through a BC diagnosis and treatment - I think this can be very helpful and reassuring that you are not the only one to feel angry, upset, ugly, exhausted etc.
Keep posting when you need to - this is what the forum is for
Helen

Hi jackster,I’m 2 years on and still have low days but the feeling ugly period is now replaced with the worry of secondaries!life will never quite be the same again and even tho I’ve gone back to work full time I can’t do things I used to and feel tired all the time but still when anyone asks how I am I tell them I’m fine! I think sometimes we are our own worst enemy but would anyone be interested if we answered truthfully?I think not.I think though that you are probably at your lowest point and hopefully there is only one way to go and that’s up so I just want to wish you well and hope you have as nice a Christmas as possible with the people around you who will give you the support and love that we all need,
Love Di.

Hi folks
I just wanted to say that a good rant on here where others totally get it is a good thing! Like Di I am 2 years post diagnosis and having completed the whole gambet of treatment I am back at work and in everyones eyes I am back to being the old me. Not the case! We are a different person for ever because of what the diagnosis and then the treatment does to us. The fear of recurrence means you look at life in a different and for me a more fearful way. I try to stay positive and live for the moment and try to feel ‘lucky’ that I do not have to deal with secondaries like so many people. However, it doesn’t change what I feel inside and that is the same for all of us. It is good to rant, shout and let it out. Thanks for doing so and enabling others to join in…in a weird way it does help. I wish everyone on here a peaceful and content time over xmas. Jayne. x

Hi Jackster,
Thanks for starting this thread. It has made interesting reading . The black hole and deep gloom of depression comes over us and makes us feel so bad we need to rant and rave every now and again. Go Girl !!
You are right people who have not had Cancer do Not understand, they may try to , but they just cant. It is impossible for them to know how fearful we are of reoccurence, how we have aches and pains every day and hate taking drugs that may help beat Breast Cancer but make us feel dreadful. My body hates being starved of oestrogen and the tamoxifen has made me feel mental but with anti depressants and counselling I am starting to feel a bit better.
I will never ever be the same again , and we have to find a New Normal. Sending everyone positive vibes and big hugs for the Christmas period. Love Tracy xxx
PS . I need to tell myself that as I am dreading Xmas this year as my Auntie has died but we all try and carry on regardless and tell others we are fine. We are our own worst enemies. Maybe this will help us to be more open and honest !!!

Ladies thank you so much for your feedback. I felt quite apprenhensive coming back to the site after writing the rant and was in tears when I read the replies (good tears, if you know what i mean). It helps so much to know that you women understand whats going on and it helps me to stay positive with my family. It becomes annoying having to be so upbeat about things with them but ranting at them wouldnt make it any better either ;). Tracyid I know what you mean about xmas my mum died over two weeks ago and I still cant really accept the fact that she has gone, but carry on we must. Big hugs and love to everyone x

we are all going to have up and down days thats all part of this journey that none of us have asked to take but now find ourselves on…if we didnt have a rant from time to time we wouldnt be normal…some days will be ok others completely crap thats the truth of it and there is no getting away from it no matter how hard we try to - I am just taking each day as it comes & hoping that the treatment will be over as quickly as it possibly can be without actually losing my marbles ! it helps that the rest of you ladies here know exactly what each of us is going through as we are all living it,in the same boat as to speak…so the sooner we can paddle up that bl**dy creek the better and we can get back to living our lives again in the best way we possible can…so embrace the bad days,no matter how bad they feel at the time its all part of the package in the knowledge that there will be better days and light at the end of it all - big hugs to you all xxxx

Shelley x

Jackster, i just want to echo all of the above, this is crap. i was very down yesterday, 3 chemos done but cant shake the low mood.just hold onto the fact that these feelings will come and go, dont be hard on yourself,
you’re not alone, as Shelley says its all allowed.xxx

Hi ranters,

I saw this this morning and I thought I could do with a good rant too about about what a fat, ugly, old crone I feel. I then went out and tried to park, I say tried, as the brakes jammed on whilst the car was diagonal and blocked the whole car park. I rang the AA who told me my direct debit had failed, so I rang my husband who came out of work and drove the car (with the brakes still jammed and one wheel dragging) into a space. A women who had been patiently waiting for me to get out of her way then said to me - “is that your son?”. I was wearing a wooly hat and a fleece but REALLY???

The whole thing made me want to crawl into a corner crying and never come out again. Small things are too much to cope with on top of everything else. So yes - we do need good a rant. I hope you don’t mind me hijacking your thread for my rant - maybe we could start a “rant corner” where we could all have a good moan and no-one would have to put on a brave face or project a positive sunny outlook.

Keep on keeping on. xxx

Hello Jackster,
I want to try and enjoy Xmas because my Auntie loved celebrating so I know she would want us to carry on in the same way but it is so so hard. I am swapping with my Mum as my Auntie always used to come to me for tea and games in the evening but Mum is going to do that this year. We need to try but maybe do things in a different way which is what your Mum would want.
Hope the rant did you good ? I like the idea of a Rant and Rave Corner as we very often need to vent our anger at something and the lap top is exactly the right thing to get the stress out through our fingers !!
Love to everyone Tracy xxx

definitely need a rant and rave corner, hope the moderators read this and add it as an option. we can then choose to read it or just leave all our crappy comments, better for having written them and then leave them there.xxx
its also just nice to know someone else in another town or village or city is also feeling the same as you, and its normal. i definitely benefit from that thought.