I can't cope with my husband not coping!

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Hi Ladies

Just having a very bad night and need to vent my frustrations and fears somewhere, not sure whether I will post, but the writing should be cathartic.

I am sure that most of us on the secondary forum have similar fears, and our families probably suffer more, because they know that they have to suffer with us, then face extreme grief after we have gone, while putting on a brave face to support each other.

We have my recent diagnosis to cope with, which is traumatic enough on its own, but added to this I have been the main (almost only) breadwinner recently and we are desperately worried about how we will cope financially ,when I go part time in September, then added to this my husband has the frustrations of his fledging business not taking off and earning anything, then added to THIS his mentally unstable exwife has taken his children away and has lied to their schools about him not be allowed access to them, he hasn’t seen them for ages and is helpless to do anything (last time he tried to take her to court over access she had him falsely accused of assaulting her! fortunately the police didn’t believe her, but the legal system still required him to be arrested and questioned! He doesn’t have the emotional strength to take her on, yet is getting really upset at not seeing his children)

My husband has suffered from depression in the past over problems with his ex, and the alarm bells are going off. I am really scared over whether I can support him sufficiently. I really can’t do this now…and cope with everything…it all seems so unfair…he needs to be strong for my son and I (OMG I sound such a selfish cow, I’m sorry but we have had such a crap weekend, I need him but just see everything we have built up crumble away from us as I can’t cope with his anger and tears, hence the still being up at this hour, I can’t go up to him…I just feel like running away!)

Sorry for the sob story, writing it down has helped me rationalise things a little, I really would value shared experiences that others have had regarding husbands and their ability to cope. I realise that many people have to face this on their own and probably see me as selfish moaning about somebody who will be there to pick up the pieces with my son, but we’re finding it hard to live together at the moment!

I think that I know the answer myself…we need to get help! so I must acknowledge this and finally ask for some professional help, just wanting some ideas, has anyone else found practical help and from where?

If you have read this to the end THANK YOU, I just need someone to listen to me!

Nicky

(I must finish the arm of the sofa is so wet with tears, I must reposition myself)

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Hi
Just. had to reply.
I am sure other people on this site will be able to give you advice the main advice i can give you is…Look after yourself and your son. This main seem selfish but you have to do this and you could really do without the stress at the moment. Money does have a way of sorting itself out…no sure how but it does. If you have insurance…give them a ring i think some can payout early or release money/funds. Look into benefits…child tax and working tax credits. (get your partner to do that). Let us know how things go and this is a great site to have a rant and a rave.
Hugs XXXXXXX

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Oh Nicky, Selfish cow, is the last thing you are, just trying to look out for your son and yourself, and who could possibly blame you? What a dreadful time you are having.
Not sure how old your son is!
Yes you do need help and l hope your husband accepts this? Hopefully he will, and you can go forward as a family, but get help today, no point in putting it off!
He must be very stressed with his ex wife and children, and now coping with your cancer, and work. But you have to cope with it, therefore he will have to do the same. it sounds as though you are the stronger partner, so you are going to have to take the lead in this, even though the stress is really on you!
I wish there was something l could say to help you, just to let you know l am thinking of you, and hoping your home life gets sorted out, and that your health stays as strong as you sound.
Has he had help before with his depression? or were you able to work through it, anyway different situation this time, so you need to look for that help. What about the helpline here, could they put you in touch with anyone, otherwise l suppose it will be your GP.
Hope today is brighter for you and yours
Hugs
Sandra xxx

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Dear Nicky65,

I am so sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. I’m sure you will soon get lots of support on this forum.

Please remember you can also give our Helpline a call. They will be open at 9.00am. The number is 0808 800 6000.

Very best wishes

Janet
BCC Facilitator

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Hi Nicky
Just had to add to this by saying this awful disease throws up all sorts of problems, not just the obvious medical ones. As the other ladies have said maybe try your GP first for help for both you and your husband. Then see if there is any financial help that’s available, as the main breadwinner, with a reduced salary I’m sure there must be something extra that can be claimed. I’m sorry I can’t help in any other ways, I’ve not (luckily) suffered with depression etc since being dx with secondaries but wishing you all the best and you get some good, solid advice that helps you all out of this current situation.
Nicky x

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Hi Nicky, I’m so sorry to read that you are having such a hard time. You need all the help and support that you can get now. My husband has convinced himself that I will get better! He was devastated at the beginning (Jan) but now if I mention the fact that I will die from this one day, he blanks it out and tells me I’ll be fine! I’m sure that if you ring the Macmillan centre they will put you in touch with someone who can give both you and your husband some professional help if he will accept it.

As far as the monetary situation goes, are you getting DLA? You are entitled to it whether you work or not if you have secondary cancer. It’s about £122.50 per week at the top rate which you will get. You will also get a free car tax disc and a Blue Badge. Please ask the Macmillans to put you in touch with their Benefits Advisor. That’s exactly what I did and she came to the house and was wonderful. All I had to do was give her my NI number and sign the form. Within two weeks the money was coming through. I hope this helps you in some small way.

Take care of yourself and keep posting on here, there is lots of support from all these lovely ladies, it’s kept me going.

Lots of love and hugs, Dianne x x x

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Hi Nickie,
I hope you got some sleep in the end. I’ve got no practical help for you, but can just add moral support. You will work this out, you are a strong person, but number one is you and then son and then husband. I hope this doesn’t sound bad, I don’t mean it to. Take help where ever you can, don’t be too proud to ask. I can echo all that has already been said. But I can add that being a partner to someone with cancer is almost more difficult than having it yourself. I speak from experience (me in 2003 and 2010) my husband (from 2005 to 2009) died of cancer last year and I felt so helpless. What I am trying to say is that it is normal that he is finding it hard to cope. BUT you are number One.
Hugs
Maria

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Hi Nicky, so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you and nothing practical to add really to what the other ladies have said except for prioritise your own health above all else and try to keep talking with your husband. He perhaps needs his own counselling to help him which in turn would help you. Wish I could do something to help you but just sending you a huge virtual hug and I do hope that in the weeks to come matters become clearer, particularly with some support from the Macmillan team about the benefits position on a practical level. And hopefully more emotional support from your husband once he gets his head around the issues. Dont forget you can always come on her and vent off and NEVER regard yourself as selfish for being so distressed. Much love Carol xx

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Oh Nicky it’s more than enough living with the diagnosis you really don’t need all this extra stuff. Yes do look into what help is available. I think you teach? You probably already know this but your position is protected by the disability discrimination act. Your union may be able to offer help with flexible hours and times off when you need to rest or attend hospital appointments etc.
I’m sorry you have all this to deal with…you will always find support here, a listening ear. Take Care…xx

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Hi, Nicky

Sorry you are having such an aweful time. I, too, am the breadwinner now in our househol and have been for more than 12 months, different situation to yours, though. My hubbie ran his own business for 43 years and always expected it take him through to retirement. he was forced to close it last year as he was down to one client, but he will never get over that. he can’t even get jobseekers as he only paid class 2 NI.Becaus eboth my employers ( I do 2 jobs even though I am past retirement age) are paying me in full, I can’t get any benefits but if you are going to be on ruduced pay, you should be able to get working tax credits at least and DLA. Mcmillan are a good source of help. Also your GP should be able to refer you both for emotional help. You sound, like me, to be the strong one in your relationship.

I wish you all the best and don’t delay seeking help, it is out there

Carol

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Dear Nicky, I’m sorry to hear about the problems you’ve been having - it must be very difficult. I don’t think I can help you directly but would echo that you should apply (if you haven’t already) for DLA. You will definitely receive this money and it’s not means-tested so it won’t be affected by how much you are working. It’s quite a complicated form so you need to get someone to fill it in for you. I went via my hospital and a Macmillan nurse there who did all the legwork. You can also claim a little money for any hospital visits you make. All these are small things but may help to alleviate some financial worry. There’s probably a wealth of other things you can claim for to ease your financial situation. Emotions, of course, are another matter. You’ve got a hell of a lot on your plate - your GP or hospital could help with counselling if that’s a route you or your husband would like to take.

Wishing you all the very best.
Alison x

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Oh, Nicky,

I’m so sorry to read this. It seems the emotional aspect brought on by this illness is worse than the illness itself.

I don’t have a husband, just my parents. The ways they coped with my news make me think twice before telling them every little bit of detail of development. Just been through a few very low days a few weeks ago that really floored me. Sometimes it just seems like that it’s one thing after another.

Being a normally strong person myself, always believed that I could do this myself. Then realized it’s good to share and just let others to carry some of our load. Yet, not all friends and families can carry that load. The dx is a shock for us, but it’s also a hug shock for them. Sometimes, when we expect them to support us, we don’t realize they also need support. Asking for professional help is a very good idea, for you and husband and maybe your son, too. I’ve suggested that to my parents but being parents, they just won’t listen. The only way to keep them positive is that I stay positive and really feel like I have 2 personalities inside me sometimes.

Do give the helpline a call if you feel comfortable about it. I’ve found it really helpful in desperate times.

Take care and hope you feel better soon.

xx

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Thanks ladies for being there!

I have just contacted MacMillan re benefits advice, I spoke to somebody at length and she is sending forms out to me. I feel a bit happier in the light of day Today, well I was fine at work, but came home to find my husband had torn up some of his birthday cards! (I think his birthday was the catalyst for the onset of this behaviour - that and the car roof needing fixing ! I bought myself a lovely convertible mini when I was first diagnosed as a treat, unfortunately the roof won’t go back and we have been quoted £1600 to fix it! needless to say, we don’t have that kind of money, so now have a soft top that we can’t use - very frustrating) It is his birthday and we are going out for a meal later. I will attempt to broach him about going to the doctors, but will have to judge the moment don’t want a full blown argument in public!

Thanks again for your support, I am usually so strong and rational, so shocked myself at how easily I crumbled last night. I do feel better now!..I don’t look it though, my eyes look like ‘wee holes in the snow’, will have to go and attempt wonders with my make up bag before we go out.

Love to you all Nicky xx

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Oh Bless you Nicky, l hope you have a lovely evening, pleased you managed to speak to someone today, wishing you all the very best for you, your son and your husband. Oh yes and hope your convertible turns into a convertible soon!
Hugs
Sandra xxx

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Hi
I hope you had a lovely evening. My husband finds it hard to get his head around and would rather put his head in the sand but i accept that it is his way of coping with my cancer. I understand that he feels helpeless and i do truely understand that. The subject is avoided and we donot really talk about it. There is three in our marrige and that includes the cancer. I am sure with the support form this site and outside sources you will get through this. The light will appear at the end of the tunnel. Keep in touch
Hugs XXX

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Hi Nicky, Hope you had a good evening last night and I’m so glad you spoke to the Macmillans re the DLA. However, you will need to have someone help you with the forms because if you don’t get it right, they won’t give it to you. Did you ask if they have a Benefits Advisor locally? They must have one, everywhere does so it may be worthwhile ringing again to ask the question. I hope that you are feeling ok today and that you managed to mention the possibility of some help to your husband without too much drama.

Hope everyone else is well today, take care of yourselves. Lotsa love, Dianne x x x

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Hi Nicky

Definitely apply for your DLA. Your onc should send in a DS1500 form with your application. Also you will then be entitled to blue badge and car tax.

Also if you have critical illness cover cash it in now, as we did and it has paid our mortgage off.

Not sure what else is available but MacMillan will help you through what you are entitled to.

It must be hard for you.

Take care and big hugs.
Dawn
xxx

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Hello Nicky. just popped on here to see how you are getting on and pleased you have had some contact with Macmillan about benefits and other help. I have certainly heard of others getting actual visits from a Macmillan Benefits Adviser so hope there is one in your area, who can actually help out with the process of applying for your DLA etc. Let us know how you get on and I do hope your husband may slowly move towards being able to seek help himself so that you can talk more openly about things. Its tough I think for our supporters. I spoke to a friend the other day who has been through breast cancer treatment and has also supporter her husband who himself had cancer, twice. And she felt that it was almost easier to deal with her own dx than his. She said its so hard being the supporter as there is so much you dont know and I think men find it hard to talk about how they feel in the first place which is a double whammy. Take care, thinking of you, and keep in touch, love Carol x