When I was first diagnosed I didn’t tell anybody apart from my family. Then suddenly everybody started asking me how I was doing. Turns out one of my sisters was telling everybody she knew and they were telling others etc. Since then I am telling most people the truth. If they can handle it fine, if they still want to get to know me better, fine. If I never see them again, well…why waste time on people who will leave at the first sign of trouble anyway. Last month, the mother of a little girl Maroke goes to school with asked if it was ok that Maroke would go to play there, because Jolene kept asking. At first I wanted to just say no. But then I decided to also tell the lady why. So explained about the bc etc and that the treatment makes me feel really tired etc and that it wouldn’t be possible to have Jolene back at mine another time because of the fatigue. This woman was amazing. Ok, yes, she did ask some of the usual questions, but she also got me to talk about the real me, the fears, emotions etc. When we parted she gave me her phone number and said I could call her for a chat or help anytime, day or night. Since then she has started to pick up the kids in the morning to take them to school, she drops in to see if I need shopping, she drops in in the afternoon to talk…We have talked about the bc, but also about totally “normal” things. Guess the point I’m trying to make is that f I’d not been honest from the start I would have missed out on finding a real good friend. Maybe 100 people are scared off and don’t want to know you once they know you are palliative, but if you even find just one person who isn’t, then it’s worth it.
Thanks to Deirdre…your post really helped me make sense of my own feelings/views. Like you I’ll talk to (almost) anyone about cancer and I love cancer conversations.
I have always been someone passionately interested in the politics of things, the social and political impact of anything and everything so of course getting cancer I was bound to want to be involved in what I broadly call the politics of cancer. If I’d got MS or mortor neurone disease or heart disease I’d be the same about those conditions. I have in my life been passionate about the Vietnam war, the miners strike, feminsit politics, lesbian politics, teachign and learning and a host of other things. Now its cancer…and death and dying…which I’d always been vaguely interested in anyway.
Some people, with a breast acncer diagnosis, get heavily into fundraising…others don’t, some get heavily into campaigning…most don’t. I’m always disappointed that so relatively few people use the current issues/hot topics forum…and that debates so quickly dry up there. Fo example the current thread started by Daphne about breast screening is just so so important.
I realise that there’s a distinction to some extent for me between my current personal experiences of having advanced breast cancer…I am relativley private…I don’t usually announce CT scans or other tests on the forums before I have them because I don’t want to be the subject of an endless ‘good luck’ thread, I don’t like unsolicited inquiries about my health but I love debate and discussion and analysis about breast cancer and about how people so differently respond. And I guess this is why sometimes I get myself into ‘trouble’ on forums. For me, you see talking about cancer is what actually makes having it a bit more bearable.
And thanks to Kay too who has made the really important point that no one has the right to suggest to anyone else that they might or should have ‘cancer free’ days.
I also have many thoughts on the ways in which aquaintances and strangers can be intrusive towards those with cancer, in a similar way to the intrusiveness which people with noticeable disabilities encounter daily. But this is getting a bit long for now.