Hi, some people may remember my post from about a month ago stating that my mum had liver mets and asking how long she has left. Well only a short while after that post , my mum passed away - 3 Weeks ago. I th0ught I was d0ing 0k, but t0night I am s0 angry at the world. Why did this happen t0 my mum? Why n0w? It was all s0 sudden when my mum deteri0rated andi feel r0bbed 0f my g00dbyes. I feel s0 sad f0r the fact that she never g0t t0 play with my baby and she has missed my babys first Christmas. I feel guilty that she had to lo0k 0n whilst my husbands parents g0t t0 enjoy my baby and she c0uldnt d0 anything with her because she was rec0vering fr0m treatments t0 help her fight this nasty disease. I am starting t0 resent my husbands parents. I d0nt want them inv0lved with my baby, because my mum can’t be. I kn0w that’s irrati0nal. I am als0 scared because I carry the breast cancer gene and I watched my mum die - I can’t accept that might be me lying in the bed barely c0nci0us and struggling t0 breathe. I’m scared f0r my baby daughter. I’m s0rry f0r going 0n, I know you ladies are dealing with this yourselves and I think y0u are s0 brave t0 be c0ping with it all. I’m just feeling a little l0st and al0ne t0night xx
Hi purplefrog79
I’m sure there’ll be some forum users along soon to give you some more support, but please do give the helpline here a ring in the morning, they’re here to support you. Lines open at 9am - 5pm, 0808 800 6000, calls are free.
Take care,
Jo, Facilitator
Oh, sweetheart, I hear the pain you feel in every word you write. The comfort I can offer is only that your mother did not suffer for too long. This disease is horrible, and everyone around the patient suffers. Someone you love is in pain, you want to help them… but you can’t - control of your life and the life of those you love is wrenched from your hands.
My sincere wish is that you find comfort in the memories of a love made over many happy years.
AlexG
Hi purplefrog
I am so sorry to hear your news about your mum. It is an awful disease that takes away our loved ones.
At the moment it is all so recent and so you will feel angry and resentful to the world. I felt the same way this year when I lost my mum from a heart condition that she battled with for a couple of years. I still miss her so much but I feel she is still around helping me out.
I am sure you will eventually remember the really good times you had with your mum and the pain will soften as time goes by.
Take care
Janette xxxx
Hi
I am so sorry. Your grief is very raw right now. I am sure that you will be as good a mum to your daughter as you mum was to you and that means letting her grandparents love her and her love them. Please give yourself time. My heart goes out to you, it is so sad.
Take care
Debx
Hi Purplefrog79,
I am so sorry for the pain you are in . I remember the rage I felt when I lost my Mum in April (she was 83 and had a stroke), and the pain of her loss is still with me. It’s totally understandable for you to feel angry, and resentful of your in-laws just now. Have you told them or your husband how you feel just now?
I grew up with one Grandparent in Australia and only one other. It hasn’t stopped me wanting to know about the others and I was always fasinated by stories and pictures of them, they are not forgotten. (Perhaps you could start a sort of ‘scrap book’ of memories of your Mum for your daughter)?
One thing is clear. Your daughter has a Mum who loves her very much. I am sure you will be on the alert for her health as well as your own. There is so much research going on just now, and things are moving forward in leaps and bounds, in another 10 or 20 who knows what will be available to help us. After all they have been giving teenagers vaccinations for Cervical Cancer for a couple of years now…
I do hope you will find some peace and comfort soon.
Very best wishes
P
Dear Purplefrog79,
I have no words of wisdom and cannot add much to what has already been said. I just wanted to add my voice to the others to let you know there are people around and a place for you to share your thoughts and hurt.
I do hope that the good warm memories and the strength of mother/daughter love will begin to help you find a way to cope.You’re mum is always with you in your heart, hold on to the good times.
Love Julie x
so sorry to hear about youre mam and you are bound to feel all the emotions you are feeling at the moment,i cannot imagine how you must feel but hopefully youre lovely daughter will help you get through this because she needs her mam to love her and give her such precious memories as youre mam has left with you and she will always be with you both in everything you do sending you lots of love xxJulie b
Purplefrog, I can’t offer any useful words of advice but you do have my heartfelt sympathies. It’s never easy to lose your mum and I know your pain, even though I lost my mum 28 years ago you never forget. You have a right to be angry, and scared, and sad, and resentful, and mixed up, and all the other emotions that go through your head. I can’t do anything other than to send you a virtual hug and say that many people on here will be thinking of you and I hope you’re able to cope with your hurt. If you want to rage, feel free to come onto the forums and rage as much as you need to, it might help to ease the pain just a little bit.
CM
xxx
I too have no words of wisdom but wish I could reach you through the airwaves to give you a big hug and say everything you are feeling is absolutely OK to feel because you are right, why did this awful thing have to happen? it’s so unfair.
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.
Linda
Dear Purplefrog,
It’s terrible losing a parent. I lost my mom nearly 10 years ago and I still cry when I think about it, and I lost my dad to cancer 4 years ago. It’s never good to lose someone, but sometimes you have to try to hold to the thought that they aren’t suffering any more or that it was quick, simply because that is the only microscopic crumb of comfort there is.
Your anger and resentment along with the grief are natural, but none of us like to feel that way, which only makes the feelings worse, it seems.
May I very gently suggest that you tell someone, another relative, your husband if you feel you can, or a friend, how you feel. Or write a note–you have expressed your feelings very well here. Ask that person to explain on your behalf to your in-laws, who are most probably trying to help and support you through this terrible time, so they know that you need a little time and emotional distance. If you can’t do this now, write a note and send it when you feel you can.
Someone I used to know explained it like this: it’s not that it stops hurting, but that you eventually get used to the pain.
thankyou all very much for your kind and comforting w0rds. It’s nice to kn0w that I can c0me here and vent. I have n0b0dy else t0 talk t0 as my husband just d0esnt understand. I think the hardest thing t0 get my head ar0und is that my mum was 0nly 47 years 0ld. I really can’t c0mprehend h0w she accepted she was going t0 die. H0w does s0me0ne deal with that? I really d0nt kn0w h0w you ladies get your strength t0 c0pe with this illness but I h0pe that I can find the strength and c0urage that y0u ladies have, t0 get me through each day. X
Purplefrpg79,
I am so, so sorry to hear your news.
My closest friend lost her mum in a similar, frighteningly quick way, two years ago. You may not be ready for this now, but she has found a fabulous councillor through the Cruise bereavement service. I have seen such a transformation in her over the last year- a long time I know. She says now that the pain does not get better, or less, but it does get easier to cope with,
My thoughts are with you,
Tracey
PF, it’s not a case of us “getting strength to cope”, it’s that we have no choice in the matter and we just have to get on with it. And your mum didn’t have any choice in the matter either, so probably just got on with it too. But we do have the BCC forums to sound off about the injustice of it all and to get and give support.
Do give the helpline a ring if you want to talk to someone in person rather than just posting on here, though of course we’re all here for you too. Your mum was very young to die, and a lot of us on here have daughters like you who are watching us going through this horrible disease so we will be very happy to help support you through this.
You are so brave to share your feelings and to then respond so positively to comments. I find it’s good to share our feelings here since my family really just want me to “cope” and delving into feelings is not part of this for my husband… My GP did offer me counselling after my mother died so you might want to see if that is on offer. My employers have given me counselling support and I’ve found that invaluable - as I’ve said to him, “He’s paid for hear what I’m really thinking and cope with all of my emotions!” - and that outlet and chance to talk has proved very helpful. I don’t know how “acceptance” arrives… my mum died suddenly of a stroke 2 years ago and I have now got an acceptance and perspective on this that lets to remember the good times. My acceptance of secondary breast cancer is coming slowly (I was diagnosed in April)and varies from day to day and minute to minute. I hope you find some moments in a day to treasure - I feel that’s what my mother would want me to do and what life should be about through tough times.
Thinking of you