I’m having the worst day ever and have never felt like this in my life. It was all going ok, I had taxotere on the 4th September and now I feel very very anxious and just want someone to talk to. Nothing is open as it’s the weekend. I can’t stop crying and am feeling really scared.
Jude
xxx
Hi Jude
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so bad today. I can’t make any comment on the chemo as I haven’t had it myself. I did have a friend who said that in the days immediately after the treatment she felt great and her house was cleaner than it had ever been but midway she felt really sick and anxious. Not sure that will be much help for you really but as I said I’ve no personal experience. Still maybe you don’t want to talk about the chemo any way - some chit-chat perhaps. I’m here if you want a cyberblether!!
God bless.
Christay
Hi Jude…
week-ends can be an awful lonely time, if you are worried, tired, and can’t really click with what is going on around you (yeah, the family/shopping/happy-it’s-a-day off kind of crowd). I hope by now - just a little later - you are feeling a bit better!
My personal cure for all of this is, a glass of wine (when my tummy accept to process it) or a cup of tea, a movie or a show (I have built a collection of seasons of shows I like, from downloads and e-bay purchases), a book if I am in the mood, a hot bath (sometimes that helps a lot). It doesn’t do miracles, but it makes a few hours more bearable.
If all else fail, this board is a pretty good sounding board!
Hugs.
Hi Jude
Why dont you try calling the helpline, I am sure they will be able to help.
Bug Hugs ok…
Lynne.x
Hi weekends can be rough. An expensive option but one that has worked for me is to book a relaxing treatment at home which seems to make me much calmer. Reiki healing works for me, when I was diagnosed in July I thought that I would never achieve piece of mind again but somehow I have and I think the Reiki helped. If that does not appeal how about having a friend round to give you a pedicure and Manicure. Try the web site lookgoodfeelingbetter.com they run workshops about how to improve appearance in order to improve how you are feeling. Good Luck, chin up, love
Traceyx
Dear Jude
I am sorry to read that you are having such a bad day, as you are probably aware our helpline is now closed, it reopens Monday at 9am. If you feel that you need someone to speak to urgently then you could try the Samaritans as they provide weekend and evening cover and provide support and ‘a listening ear’, here is their number:
The Samaritans, Telephone 0845 790 9090
www.samaritans.org.uk
I hope this helps and you start to feel better very soon.
Best wishes
Louise
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care
OOOps - big sorry didnt realise the helpline was closed…
Sorry for any inconvenience caused…
Lynne.x
Hi everyone
Thanks for all your comments it helps.
Typically my meltdown happened at the weekend when everything was shut! I rang my chemo ward and spoke to a lovely lady and just talked for England in between crying and she suggested I rang Devon Doctors and I spoke to a great doctor who again didn’t manage to get a word in edgeways as I couldn’t stop talking and he has prescribed me some diazepan (can’t spell it) and my hubby has just gone to Sainsburys to pick up my prescription and taken my son with him with is good.
My conclusion is that I’ve been bottling everything up since May when I was first diagnosed because I have been coping really well and feeling a bit of a fraud for being off work sick when really I’ve been mostly ok on my good weeks. However since 4th Sept I’ve not recovered from my first taxotere physically as I’m knackered but it is the emotional side coming through and it is just pouring out. I can’t stop talking to my poor hubby and we don’t tend to talk about it as it is just too scary. I’m going to arrange some counselling as I think I could do with it as I just want to talk about it until the cows come home!
I’m just anxious all the time at the moment, hopefully not for much longer when I get the prescription and scared this is how I am going to be for the rest of my chemo, hopefully this is just a bit of a blip and I will be ok again soon.
I’m guessing that other people are feeling like this during chemo as well as me, I’ve never felt anxious before or bothered by what people think and have just been carrying on as normal, going to the shops, sainsburys, seeing friends etc etc. I think it is a reaction to people telling me how well I’m doing and how strong I’ve been and how I’ve coped and that I’m amazing when really I’m not but I’ve been supressing my feelings to protect everyone around me. I’ll stop now as I’m analysing everything!!
lots of love
Jude
xx
Hi Jude
So glad to hear that you managed to get a prescription from the doc. Hope it helps. You’re probably right about bottling things up and counselling sounds like a great idea. It does help to have someone who will just let you talk. I think we do try to just keep going - probably partly so that everything feels as normal as possible and partly to protect our families and friends. I certainly know what you mean about feeling a fraud for being off work but deep down I know I couldn’t cope with work. I hope and pray that you will be feeling better very, very soon.
God bless.
Christay
hi Jude,
I am so sorry that you feel so low. I have just finished 4 rounds of epi with my last one last Tues. I had a really bad week, lots of tears which, like you, is not usual. Hated feeling like it as couldn’t seem to pull myself together. It is important that you chat even though sometimes I feel like I am going round in circles, saying the same things over and over again. Today I am feeling better and have been out of the house for the first time in 4 days.
OH has been great, he just listens but feels useless as he can’t make it better. It is important that you keep talking, my OH felt a little left out at the beginning as I was putting on a brave face and telling him I am ok. Be honest.
I hope you are feeling better now that you have offloaded. It is what we all need and this site is priceless. I have made loads of ‘friends’ even though we haven’t met.
Sending lol,
Tracy xxx
Hi Tracy & Christay
I can’t stop talking about it just keeps coming out. I think my poor hubby doesn’t know what has hit him but I just can’t seem to stop talking and can’t wait to have some counselling.
About the anxiety I think it is a vicious circle and if you don’t go out of the house very much it is really hard to go out at all. I didn’t leave the house from week ago Friday until the following Wed when I walked to a friend’s house about 5 mins away and was exhausted but then I drove on Thursday 2 days ago and I was fine then so I just don’t understand why it is happening to me now. I feel much calmer than when I originally posted though I was feeling so annoyed that everywhere was shut just when I finally wanted to talk to someone - aghhhhhhh.
I’ve been really laughing at some of the commments on the other threads about ‘how well you look’ about how you suit a bald head and what pretty features you have! At least I can laugh about it now.
Jude
xx
I forgot to say, this site is fantastic. I do scare myself with too much information but it is lovely to talk to those in a similar position
Hello Jude
Weekends are always the worst. I got very very down the weekend after my first Taxotere and my onc said that it can have a depressive effect. I’m glad you managed to get a prescription from your doc. Hope you feel better soon.
Love Anthi
Hi Jude
Hope you are feeling a little better, i had my first tax on the 5th Sept after 4 EC which like you i felt i coped with quite well with. The Taxotere has also had such a different effect, the exhaustion is totally infuriating, and i have struggled to sleep as i have also felt really anxious. I was trying to explain the feelings to my OH i just feel really tense and uptight. I was dx in May had mastectomy and aux clearance and mostly like you have just carried on as normal as possible as I have 2 girls 8 & 12, when my bosses visited from work i looked better then them and felt like i was a fraud sat there looking so well.
It must be the Taxotere because i also woke this morning and felt the need to relay fears to my husband that i had kept burried, the girls had slept out so maybe it was having the house to ourselves that made me want to discuss things not previously said.
Your post today has helped me feel im not alone with this reaction, and i hope you have started to feel a little better.
love Rachel
i can sympathise with this post
I have had my third and thankfully last dose of taxotere
Have found taxotere so much harder to cope with that FEC
Joints aching, fatigue being the worse and also being the crabby witch from hell!
It does pass though although the emotional rollar coaster that we ride upon is rough there is a light at the end of the tunnel
I have finished all my chemo now -such a relief and am moving on to radiotherapy
Good luck to all
Jools
Jude
Im sure you right and this is just a blip… You have prob been really brave up to now but its always good to get things aired and if you feel you can talk to a counsellor then do it. I had a ‘low’ patch mid chemo and had counselling and it really helped.
I had a few desperate moments during my treatment (at weekends) at found this forum really helpful and supportive
Take Care
Annemarie
Hi Jude,
I hope you now have the diazepam and are starting to feel a little better. Blimey, I think your post has prob hit a note with all of us! I started chemo in May and am due to finish next month but I can clearly remember having what I referred to as ‘wobbles’ on many occassions during the first couple of months. They can give you all manner of pills to help with the ‘physical’ side-effects of chemo but the mental/emotional effects can be just as debilitating and much harder to treat.
At the start I really struggled with the emotional effect the treatment was having on me. I was a constant weeping willow and must of been horrid to live with. Anyway, I ended up booking myself some counselling through my local support centre and have found it to be an enormous help. Its so good to be able to talk to someone about how you are feeling, who is not emotionally involved with you. My counsellor is awesome and it has really helped me loads. I hope you are able to book some sessions, and they help you as much as they have helped me.
Take care of yourself and you know where we are if you need us,
Kelly
-x-
Hi Jude,
Please just hang on in there. I had my last Taxotere on Friday (4 x FEC & 4 x Tax is a very long jouney) and I can’t believe I have finally nearly made it through Chemo. I started FEC on Fri 13 April and Tax on Fri 13 July. not being a superstitious type I have always found the dates quite funny.
I tolerated FEC quite well, but this Tax has been awful. I too soldiered on through FEC, letting everyone tell me how well I was doing (I know they mean well, but doesn’t it make you mad when you feel like you are cracking up inside?)
After Tax no 2 I just felt that I couldn’t keep up the brave face anymore, and started telling people how I really felt. I also got very weepy and down.
However, we can all do this, and you just need to keep your focus on the end result. This Taotere really does give us all a better chance of beating this awful disease. It is just so scary when the wobbles hit. No-one really understands if they haven’t been there themselves. I was just as bad before I was dx - I have a friend seven years on and I never understood her fears until I joined her in the ‘club’
Take care Jude, it will all get better given time
RR
Hi Jude,
Hope u r feeling better hon. I am not doing well either. I find this site helps as long as I stay on what pertains to me…such as this chemo treatment. I had hubby buy me some of my favorite magazines and I have looked at those this weekend. My meds they give me after chemo makes me sooooooo jittery and nervous and I cry alot too. I hate upsetting my hubby because he is very upset too. I am sure all of us go thru the same emotions and it helps to know others know just how you feel. I don’t think I will have the Tax after my chemo I have surgery and then Herceptin…maybe radiation I am not sure. My friend is only 2 days earlier on treatment and we both have FEC and she does so much better than I do… but I have had my nuetrophils go down last time to 0.02 so I am guessing that is why I feel so down this time.
Hope u feel better really soon. Take care!
Lee
Hi everyone
Thanks for all your lovely comments.
I saw my doctor yesterday and he was lovely and just let me talk (still can’t stop talking!) He has given me a prescription for my diazepan if I need it in the future as a back up. He’s also testing me for a urinary infection because of my stomach problems - I reckon it is just the chemo though - my stomach feels like fluttery and I reckons it could be an anxiety thing?? I’ve also made an appointment for counselling on Friday which I’m looking forward to.
My boss & HR lady came to visit me this afternoon and it was really nice to see them. They have been paying me full pay for nearly 6 months now while I’ve been off and it is due to be reviewed in October and when I asked about it the HR lady waffled a bit and wouldn’t say what will happen so I am thinking probably my pay will be cut to half pay which is a bummer but was bound to happen. I might be wrong but I think they have been pretty generous so far as I’m only entitled to 3 months full pay on my terms and conditions. I started to feel a bit upset talking about it and my nose keeps dripping and I didn’t want to blow it in case they thought I was about to cry!!
Anyway I’m good overall. Actually got out of bed and took my son to nursery - a first for 2 weeks. Have also been cleaning the fridge! hoovering and tidying cupboards out - really exciting stuff.
love to you all
Jude
xx