I offered my sister an olive branch.........

I went for my counselling session yesterday and there was a lot of discussion to do with how I’ve been feeling with my sister being here. The Dr told me she felt I either had to confront my sister about the way she has behaved towards me since I was diagnosed or find ways of working round it in order to rebuild bridges. I said I felt if I confronted her and it ended up in an argument my fear was it would erode my confidence further. Anyway, I went away and had a think about things and I decided to ring my sis last night to find out what she was up to this weekend. I knew all her friends who were here were going off yesterday, so she would be on her own.

I asked her if she wanted to see a film with me on Sunday, but she said she had pretty much mapped out her day and was going to look at flats again. I then asked her when she is coming over here again and she said the middle of the week (she flies home on Friday). I said there was something on at the local theatre and if she wanted to go she could stay the night as the spare room was clean. As there is somewhere she needs to go the following day I said my OH would be fine about taking her. She ummed and aahed then said her friend from here was back off holiday on Monday and she thought she had the middle of the week off, so she would probably be seeing her, but she said she would think about it.

Well ladies, that has spoken volumes to me about the situation. I had some time on my own this afternoon and when I was cleaning my bathroom I had what alcoholics refer to as “a moment of clarity”. I now realise that this is how she wants to play things and it’s not my fault if she cannot face up to my illness. I feel I handed her an olive branch last night but it was rebuffed and I cannot think what else I can do. The psychologist said to me yesterday there was a danger I could end up letting this thing with my sister control my life - she felt it was unfortunate that I was moving forward in such a positive way, but this had pulled me back in over the last fortnight. I now realise throughout my illness I have been in a bubble where I have been worrying about my sister and her attitude when I should really have just been worrying about myself and my OH. It’s not my nature to be selfish and I was always known for being reliable, but I now need to learn to put myself first. Shame it took so long to realise this, but there you are.

I’m seeing the psychologist again in September and she is interested to see how I will be feeing once my sister is away again. I know my sis is planning to come back in November for a month and I need to work on having a coping strategy in place by then.

I was always a wee bit sceptical about counselling, but I am so grateful to have been referred as I’m seeing things in a different light after every session. I’ve also had an email today from someone I was at university with 12 years ago and that has really cheered me up. It’s nice to think someone from all that time ago is out there and kind enough to want to know if I’m OK.

Hi Cherub

I dont think we have spoken before and sorry things have obviously been bad with your sister.

I just wanted to reiterate what you had said about counselling/psychology. I too have been seeing one for the last however long its been, and I too was sceptical, but oh my god - how grateful am I that I went to her. I know it very much depends on how you ‘click’ with each other, and I am certainly not one to open up to people easily - but she is a wonderful woman, and through seeing her I have completely sorted myself out. I have a renewed zest for life that I have not had for years (was only dx 1 year ago), and in a weird way, if it was not for getting cancer, I would not have been referred to her (as she only sees cancer patients), and I would have still been stuck in a habitual black hole because of things from the past.

So just wanted to say - glad you have found it so helpful, and if anyone else out there doubts them, I would def say give it a try.

Take care
Love
F
x

Hi Cherub

I feel for you with your sister as I had a similar experience with my family. I worked for a family business and perhaps I should have moved on years before but I thought that I was helping them. I was diagnosed with bc in the April, had a lumpectomy and then 25 rads. All the time when I was having treatment my brother never came to see me. When I was having rads I had to travel to Liverpool everyday then go into work. No-one asked me when I went in if I was ok or anything. In the September I found another lump had a mastectomy and then chemo, the week that I found out my dad, brother and sister in law drilled me in the office for 2 hours about what I was going to do about work. Like your clarity moment I then thought I need to get out of this.
To cut a long story short, my family never spoke to me all the way through chemo, even though my parents live 2 minutes away. I think that they were frightened that my brother and his wife who is now in total control of the business would go mad. My mother rang me just as I had finished treatment and I really had to work hard at turning the other cheek and trying to understand why it all happened. It has never been discussed since. I have tried to offer an olive branch to my brother, which has been very hard because I hadn’t done anything, but he is still very cool with me. This all happened 3 years ago and I must be honest time is a great healer. Maybe it was always this way and I just didn’t see it, or I put up with his total lack of compassion. I think now that it is his loss, he has never know illness or felt the terror that comes with the diagnoses of cancer, and maybe, when his life isn’t all roses he will have some kind of insight of how it feels. I did try to talk with a councillor but to be honest it just brought all the terrible emotions back.
You have tried with your sister and eventually time will heal the raw wounds.
Debbie xx

Blimey have just read all this stuff about sister and familys from cherub and other posters.
I only put on about my brother and his family yesterday in the ‘living with BC’ section and i hadnt read all this before.
Glad to know i am not alone but also sorry for you guys having to put up or deal with all this shit too.
Surely it should be family members putting up with our behaviour not the other way round because we are the ones with/had cancer.
Its difficult, when writting it down, to really explain about family problems because its all the physcological stuff that goes with it.
I cant go to a councilor as i live in France and my French is definatly not good enough to explain all my problems with my brother and SIL from hell. Find it hard enough in English!
I really feel though that we shouldnt put up with people (family or freinds) that just bring you down constantly and are negative about everything and as mole says to me we should just divorce them all. :wink:
I am waiting for one final email from brov to decide wether or not i cut him out for good.