I hope this is the right forum for this question - I thought I’d see what all you great people thought about the best ways to give your wife support through this rotten journey we have to face. Obviously what works for one won’t work for another; for example my wife has been inundated with flowers today from former work colleagues and she is moaning about having nowhere to put them!
Our situation is that I work away from home 3 weeks on/3 weeks off, and Joyce has insisted that this must continue. The good thing is that for the three weeks at home I can attend to her every wish, and while I’m away I’m fairly satisfied that there will be enough friends and family available to see to her every wish.
Her mastectomy operation will be taking place within the next 3 weeks or so, I am planning to arrive home at the same time that she is released from hospital (there’s no point in being there for her operation as she will be under the care of the hospital staff, well, that’s what Joyce has told me), but there’s this Mars/Venus thing niggling at the back of my mind which tells me that I am going to have to be hypersensitive to underlying or unexpressed feelings. I am a typical man, and I don’t always get the hidden message…
What have been the successes (and failures) you have experienced? I have already made a major boo-boo (I’m too embarrased to tell you what it is) and there was an absolutely dreadful e-mail from one of her relatives the other day where he made a joke about breasts which Joyce found quite offensive.
I’ll be very pleased to hear your experiences, and I hope that they will form an archive which others will find useful.
Thanks in advance
Mark
Hi Mark
I’m going to have a mastectomy and probably an immediate recon on 1 September. I am finding it difficult with my husband and I think it is because we are both worried and deal with that worry in different ways. If I have a problem I tend to talk to people about it whereas he tends to bottle it up. I can imagine it is very difficult for men to speak to other people about their wife/partner’s breasts and their feelings about them. My husband has said many times since I have been told I have to have the mastectomy that I am not my breasts and that it is not going to make any difference to how he feels about me. But breasts are part of my sexuality and I know that whatever I have done it will not be the same.
I am very scared about having the treatment and do try to block out the fact that it is not that far off. I think you need to do what you feel is right. After all you can only do your best. If you want to go into hospital with her could you not say to her that you feel that is what you need to do. I think we have to accept that everyone is different.
I’m not sure if what I’ve written is very helpful but do wish you all the best
Carol
Hiya Mark
Me and hubby have been married nearly 30 yrs (two life sentences!!) and have faced this damn disease twice - had mast. this Jan and currently having chemo, and my advice to you is: take each day/stage at a time, listen to her worries, be there at any onc appts to listen to what she misses, make good days really good - we’ve been to Spain for a few days inbetween chemo sessions - but most of all, both of you keep a sense of humour.
The op. is doable, and having a spare boob (I don’t know if your wife is having immediate recon) can cause quite a few laughs. Just be supportive - she will have “the pits” days", don’t get too involved with “what happens next”, remember my OH kept asking for dates of treatments, he needs to have it all laid out and organised (a man thing I believe).
I’m quite independent and it sounds as though your wife is the same, and I’ve tried to carry on with life as normal as possible. When I have a bad day, I insist hubby still goes to work/rugby/golf - as long as he’s obtainable, I’m fine.
I hope this has been of help, and I wish Joyce the best for her op and hope that you both get loads of support from this site.
Cheers
Anne
PS - good luck with the ironing, cleaning, cooking etc etc etc etc…