well i dont normally write anything on paper. But tonight I suddenly felt the urge. I could not show it to my husband because it might upset him. But having gone to the effort i feel i have to share, so I thought I would put it here. Its sounds much more negative than I actually feel. And i will feel so silly being such a vocifiourous poster if when I get my results its an all clear. but being happy will overule all feelings of silliness. Here is what I wrote
life’s going on,the dogs still need walking, i need to eat and wash my hair --but that big black hole is there-constantly.
I dont need to look at it yet. If my eyes glance that way they well up with tears so I quickly look away and turn to what is happening next today.
I am avoiding friends, how can I smile and chat and pretend there is not a big black hole just behind my right shoulder waiting for me to look into it. If I admit it is there to them then I have to admit it to myself.
i smile and chat to my family and band as if I am always going to be here on this side of it. I smile and chat to myself too, it makes me feel better.
Here in this world I am well, I dont have cancer, I will not need surgery, I will not loose my hair and fingernails, i will not be so tired that I have to stop drumming and leave my band. And I can go on holiday next month. The world through the hole is the one I dip into when I read what others not in my safe place are experiencing. It is not here,it is on the other side where bad things happen.
i am not scared, because I am here in my happy normal world. But the pull of looking over my shoulder is getting stronger. I resist. Its much nicer ignoring it. Like some drunk in the corner, you know they are there but you dont catch their eye incase they engage you in conversation.
come thursday, results day, I will take a deep breath, turn round and dive in to see what it holds for me, good or bad. Nothing I can do can change it.
But in the meantime i am quite happy here in cloud cucko land .
I have just read your post & it was exactly how I felt in jan this year, thinking this is not happening to me, someone will say in a moment no it is fine you dont have bc, you will not have to have chemo,lose your hair, be scared out of your mind.But Im still here, having gone through a lot of the treatment, & survived just. I hope you have a positive result on thursday, but if you dont, be sure to know there are lots of us in this together, & you will get through it. The black hole is not that deep, you can jump in it & jump straight back out again with lots of helping hands. Lots of positive thoughts to you Lesley xx
OAL, GREAT post, and I quite often shove the cancer crap into it’s black hole and turn my back on it, and just get on with living my life, even with the baldy head and loads of treatment ahead as well as behind me. I don’t think your post sounds negative at all, it reads to me just like someone who’s trying to keep herself together until she finds out whether she has anything she’s going to need to deal with.
I know just what you mean about avoiding friends too. And if it works for you, that’s fine. (The bit about fingernails, that’s from a particular type of chemo, not all of them steal your nails, so you might not go anywhere near that particular one.)
Even if Thursday’s news isn’t good there’s still a fair chance that you can go on holiday next month, the wheels take a bit of a while to turn and there are necessary pauses, particularly right at the beginning.
Keep writing, keep posting if it helps.
thanks for such a good reply. Using this site does help. It gives you a chance to vent worries and feelings as they occur without bottling them up. And it is good to read how others are handling all stages of the battle, from early worries to dealing with treatment and after.
Thanks OAL for posting so thoughtful a contribution - and sorry you have to write it too. Yep - since diagnosis last April I live in two worlds and try to keep in the positive world of the immediate but it’s a constant challenge and the waiting for results is one of the hardest parts to cope with. It’s impossible, I think, to be positive all the time and convey this to family and friends to help by giving this support to them.
Thinking of you - it’s good to know you can express your feelings and share with all of us; this site has been invaluable for me on many occasions…
Take care and keep in touch
Fran
We all feel the same at this point i think. I go for my grading results today. Sitting here with a face mask on as if looking nice will make a difference. Just terrified the dog!
I am terrified it is somewhere else, is this a normal feeling. I now feel that Breast Cancer is fine…could not cope with more bad news. I wish i could send a body double today. I have never ever felt this fear, it rises up like bile but we do carry on as all the ladies on here prove. This site has been my god send.x Lorna
Hi OAL
Writing things down is a great way to get your feelings out. I’d never written anything down before BC but felt I needed to ‘get it all out’ somehow and sat and wrote in bits and bobs for days. I used to go back and alter what I’d written as my feelings changed. It was very theraputic and helped to get my thoughts in order.
I think everyone agrees that the waiting is the worst thing. I remember waiting for my initial results and it really was terrifying. I do hope your results are not what you fear. Do let us know how you get on we all have out fingers crossed for you.
Jan
good luck with ur results lorna alex xxx
hi old and lumpy,
i can relate to the big black hole, i think of it more now as a muddy puddle,
it is a scary place your in at the moment, keep posting and think positive,
will be thinking of you on thursday, let us all know how you get on,
good luck, wishing you the very best liz xxxx
Hi OAL
I doubt there’s anyone on here who hasn’t ignored that big black hole while it lurks in the corner of their consciousness - its all we can do, isn’t it? and for some of us, its a place we never need to go. I hope its that way for you, but if not, you know you have friends on here
hope the results are good ones
monica xxx