I'm in bits and I don't know what to do

Hi ladies
First off, let me say how I feel bad for not keeping in touch on the forums, and I feel awkward posting here once again without offering anything much in return (can’t even remember my original login details).
A bit of background: I was diagnosed with 1.9cm lump, grade III TN with no LN or vascular invasion early in 2012 aged 27. I had a WLE, and six cycles of FEC chemo (had horrible reaction to the TAC, so it was stopped). I was found to be a BRCA1 mutation carrier, so I decided to have a mastectomy. I had tissue expanders put in at the time, and then these got swapped for silicone implants.
I thought i was getting through it, getting on with life, moving on, I’d started dating again, and I was so looking forward to the next few exciting steps in life. Also - my periods came back after the FEC & Zoladex.
Except a few weeks ago I found a lump in my armpit. I knew it was a lymph node. I (apparently) didn’t have an axillary clearance done at the time of my MX because the SNB at the time of my WLE was clear. The initial pathology report says that there are cancer cells in that lymph node - and, at the moment, that’s all I know.
I had one of those dreadful chats with the breast care nurse, you know - where they see everything in black and white and I’m just utterly bewildered, scared and feeling as though life is totally unfair. I thought I was going to get past this. I’m sitting here with so many questions, and the horrible horrible realisation that i just can’t go on like this.
I know this is completely ridiculous because I have so little information at my disposal (I don’t know how many nodes are involved). I know I’ll have to have a CT and a bone scan for staging. I know the oncologists are going to suggest chemo again - and I just don’t think I can do that again. Not because it was so awful - but because of the effect on the rest of me. I still clutch to these hopes of one day having a baby. But the thought of another 6 cycles - presumably it’ll be paclitaxel and gemcitabine this time around - is just too much to bear.
I’m going to start a new job next week.
I’m so sorry to rant at you all. i just don’t know what to do, and if anyone could tell me that theyve experienced this and come out the other side - I’d love to read your words.

Dear Tarliah I’m so sorry to hear you are having a terrible time. I’m afraid my situation is a bit different to yours, so I can’t offer any advice, but I wanted to say that you will find support on here. In my experience the hardest thing is the unknown. Until then, you are in limbo. Knowledge is power and once you know what you are dealing with, however good or bad, you will feel better.
all best wishes to you
Zuleika x

Hi tarliah

Welcome to the forums, I’m sorry to read you’re having such a tough time at the moment.

As well as the support you receive here do give the helpline a call and talk things through with a member of staff. They are there to offer a listening ear as well as emotional support and practical information. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9 to 5pm and Saturday 10 to 2pm.

Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator

Hi Tarliah, Im so sorry to read your post it sounds like a scary and uncertain time for you. Im not sure if you are a member of the Younger Breast Cancer Network (UK) on FAcebook, but I know there are ladies on there who have had similar experiences to the one you find yourself facing. Here is the link facebook.com/ManchesterYoungerWomensBreastCancerNetwork?book…
The group is a secret group so all posts are confidential. I am sure you will find the support you need there. If you send a private message with a few details about yourself oneof the admin will join you to the site. We have nearly 500 members from all over the UK.

Tarliah, please dont say sorry or feel guilty for not keeping in touch we are all individuals some days we need support and some days we dont no one should be in judgement over how we cope with BC.
You have had a terrible shock just as you were moving on and making plans. All I can say to give you support is dont be hard on yourself, you have dealt with this awful awful disease once showing your strengh of character and resolve and with the right support you can again.
As Queenrefusenik says use the link and keeping asking questions and getting support on here as you need it.
Big Hugs x

Hi Tarliah, your post is what these forums are about. I am a Newbie but I am sure someone on here will have had a similar experience. Try ringing the Helpline as suggested in the above post. I rang them shortly after my diagnosis and they calmed me down. Also phone your breast care nurse and tell her you are finding this news especially hard to cope with. She can arrange for you to see a counsellor to support you and get you through this uncertainty. Sending you cyber hugs Kathy xx

Hi ladies

Thank you so much for writing back. And thanks meconopsis and bowl of cherries for the virtual hugs - they really help.

The limbo is the hardest thing and just wondering what happens next.

N xx

Actually, just to ask Queenrefusenik - I’m being a bit stupid with regard to the facebook group, do I just send a group message? I can’t see how to message only admins.

N x

right follow this link facebook.com/ManchesterYoungerWomensBreastCancerNetwork?fref=ts next to the option to like the page is a message option click on that and you should then be able to send a private message just explaining in brief your situation. One of the admin will then reply and join you to the group. If you are still stuck message back on here.
Helen x

Thank you Helen, I’ve just sent a message.

Hugs x

That’s great. i will look out for you there :slight_smile:

Hi. Can I just thank you all four posting on to this site…I have had a scary few days and it has helped to read your stories.
I am 43 and just diagnosed…no details yet. I found two cysts this year and the third lump felt different I was referred to breast clinic. The mammogram was clear and the ultrasound didn’t find it at first…once I pinpointed it they said they needed to do a core biopsy to check it. I went private to get results quicker and was told Friday that I have breast cancer. It was life changing appointment. I have my NHS appointment on Monday to find out my diagnosis again. They suggested that surgery would be at the end of August…it seems such a long wait and concerns me that it is growing and spreading. I am in an awful emotional place at the moment and feel that life is going on around me but I am not really part of it. I cry suddenly and frequently.
Any advice for coping please x
I am trying to take each day step by step but it is such a scary journey.

Hi Rugby
So sorry to hear your news. It is so hard to get your head round everything isn’t it especially when you haven’t got a treatment plan yet. Monday will hopefully bring you more answers. Im not sure if you have read all of this thread, but if you look above you see that i have mentioned the Younger Breast Cancer Network (UK) which is on Facebook. It was started by one of the forum members from here (Tors). There are 500 of us on the site,we discuss everything, our ages range from 21-mid 40s, please come and find us there. Im sure it will be of great help to you.
facebook.com/ManchesterYoungerWomensBreastCancerNetwork?fref=ts next to the option to like the page is a message option, click on that and you should then be able to send a private message just explaining in brief your situation. One of the admin will then reply and join you to the group.

Thank you, I have just joined.