Independent & Self Sufficient Woman - in need of help!

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Hi All

I was diagnosed with IDBC Grade 3, Er + PR+ 45mm Carcinoma on 15th Feb, had WLE and SLNB, fortunately there is no spread and I don’t need further surgery yet, just waiting for find out from the oncology nurse tomorrow if I need chemo, chances are I will as I’m 34 and it is/was Grade 3. I’m going to have to have radiotherapy no matter what and as I’m ERPR positive, oh and up to 5 yrs Tamoxifen.

That’s my background.

I’m really asking for some advice/kick up the rear on how to deal with asking for help from people.

I’m a really fiercely independent woman, always capable, get stuck in, get on with it personality.

In my time I’ve dealt with and survived some heavy child abuse, physical and emotional, I’ve dealt with the breakdown of my first serious relationship of 7 years, I’m a Stepmum with a difficult relationship with the mother, my Mother died of Bowel cancer 3 1/2 years ago, I’ve had a bullying boss at work, I’ve had 5 years of fertility problems, 1 miscarriage last year after 4 years of trying and NOW breast cancer.

Now through all of this, somehow and god knows how, I’ve always managed to get through everything without asking for help. I’ve prided myself on my COPE mentality, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my moments of stress/anxiety but this is a small price to pay?!

However, despite being a “coper”, I am really not used to this overwhelming tiredness I feel, the lack of control I have, the daily uncertainty of how I’m going to physically feel. I’ve always been able to push myself to do things in the past, but now my body is finally saying “Hah, NO chance” to me.

It seems such a silly thing to be worried about, but it’s who I AM and I feel like I’m not ME because I physically feel so knackered - I’ve not even started any treatment yet, I had the WLE 4 weeks ago and I have resulting Seromas after, but even after a couple of days I was up and about “doing” things, even if it was with one arm.

I don’t want to feel like a burden, I don’t want to ask for help, I’m fed up of being told I’ll have to ask for help.

How do other people who are used to being superwoman in their households cope?

Thanks for listening - any advice greatly received xxx

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Hi, Sorry you have to find yourself on this forum, but it’s a good place to come too.
I’m sure you will have chemo if you are grade 3. I think most women are used to coping and you will still be able to cope mentally - but don’t be surprised if you’ve have the odd meltdown. I’ve coped well mentally, but some days the chemo might make you feel rough. Everyone is different with the side effects they get and the drugs they are on. Just take each day at a time and if you are only up to staying in bed or lying on the sofa, then gratefully accept any help from family or friends. If you have step children to look after then you may well need help - depending on their ages. Even if they are older you will probably be pleased not to have to cook or shop on the first few days after chemo. Don’t be afraid to accept practical help help and reserve your coping for mental strength.

Good luck. Stella xx

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Hi Stella - Thanks :slight_smile: It’s not so much accepting help, it’s that noone is actually offering anything, just expecting I think, that I’ll cope like I always have done, but this is something else!

Perhaps it’s my age, at 34 not many of my peers have experience of dealing with something like this.

I’m going to have to ASK for help, which I don’t want to do.
My bottom lip is out I think, I’m just frustrated :frowning:
I do also have good days. Just feel that since I’ve been told I’ll survive this, that everyone is now thinking I’m “back to normal” and that is not the case. I think I’ve been putting on a coping face to people because I dont want to become “cancer girl”.

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Hi El Katrano and welcome to the BCC forums

In addition to the support you have here please feel free to call our helpline on 0808 800 6000, the lines are open weekdays 9-5 and sat 9-2

BCC offer support tailored to younger women such as weekend forums where you can meet up with others which you can read more about here:

breastcancercare.org.uk/about-us/our-services/support-for-younger-women/

Take care
Lucy

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hi

you are like many of us in as much as we are the ones that ‘do’ for others. despitte me having a career i enjoy the nuturing and caring for the family - its Me.

im on my 5th chemo of 6 with mxa nd recon and rads to follow. the first one i was determined carry on but it is soon obvious that although spirit says ‘Yay’ body says ‘you’re joking right?’. you will find that you will ask for help as you need it, because you will need too and to be honest you must, this will allow you to regain your strength so that you can do your stuff.

i have had a fairly kind chemo and am able to cook, clean, school run, etc but only because on the few days i needed help i asked. it will take a while for everyone to get used to this but it will take longer if you pretend all is as it was.

once the dust settles you will find you again.

best of luck. x

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Hi El Katrano,

Asking for and accepting help was the single thing that caused me the most distress through the whole process. I had 2 years of treatment, chemo first, mastectomy, rads then herceptin. I was determined to cope and have a husband who is a waste of space when it comes to anything practical so I knew relying on him was a non-starter. I am very lucky to have close family nearby and my mother finally bullied me into letting my sisters help. I suspect she also had a quiet word with them on the side to convince them that they needed to do things for me regardless of what I said or did. I can’t tell you what a difference it made when I finally gave in to it. I’m certain now that it helped to speed up my recovery. My body was able to use what little energy I had to regenerate.

I think the best advice I can offer is, if you have a family member or friend you trust, ask them not only to help but to organise others to help too. I cried buckets the first time my sisters came to clean my house. I felt so inadequate but it released me from the self imposed pressure.

I’m 2 years down the line now. I’ve been back at work for a year. It was hard at first but you will get back your get up and go eventually.

Good luck, Jan xx

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Hi El Katrano,

Well, I’ve had my fair share of cr*p too, the past 3 years have been especially tough, I too have always been fiercly independant & I’m naturally a jokey person so everyone thinks I’ve been doing fine.
I’ve done pretty well so far (had mastectomy to right breast on 7th March, it was stage 2 so may not need chemo - waiting to find out) but, I have NEEDED some help & I just literally stood up one day at work, the day before I was ‘going off sick’ for my op, I held my hands up as if in surrender & said to my friends “Right! I’ve been joking about this cancer sh*t since I was diagnosed but seriously peeps…am gonna need some help!!”
I said the same thing to my friends & family outside of work & since then have been inundated with offers of help. So much so that it’s been a bit much at times!
Saying that EK, I know it’s awful but, sometimes people don’t know how to handle news like this, so some people may ‘go off the radar’ for a while but, for the people closest to you, I am sure that u will be pleasantly surprised when they rally to help.
U just gotta ask!!
Hope this gives u maybe a little idea or two?
Take care,
Love Chez. xx

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Asking for and arranging for help is one way of keeping some control over your life when it may often feel out of control. What about negotiating some sort of chores rota, giving yourself at least a few days of reduced duties following each treatment? Or let it be known that sometimes you will be out of things and then people will have to look after themselves, at the least. (Good learning experience for them.)

People react very differently, so work out when you can cope as normal and when you can’t, which may vary as you go through. Take notes to your appointments and tell them if you have good or bad reactions, then discuss what to do about it. (Coping and control.) And you are allowed to have times when you can’t cope, get weepy, feel like giving up. Listen to your body when it says ‘No more for now’. That’s essential. Pushing on too long is not good for you or for anyone else.

Sorry you find yourself here with us, but best wishes for a good outcome.

Cheryl

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Hiya El Katrano,

I am sorry you’ve joined the club no -one wants to join, it’s pants but there are lots of us in it and we all help each other through it.

You have already taken a huge step in asking for help by posting here on the forum, so well done you!!

One way I found easier to ask was when I needed drivers for getting to my chemo sessions was to send an email to all my friends requesting volunteers and give them a list of dates. My lovely friends then replied giving dates they could help with.

Like you I am a really independent single mum but have recognised it’s better to ask, 99% of people will willing help. I had a WLE & SNB and mammoplasty, so going driving & food shopping wasn’t going to happen without help.

You have started treatment by having surgery & may well be feeling knackered because you’ve had major surgery and it takes quite a while to get all the anaesthetic out of your system too. Plus the cancer has been draining your system whilst it’s been in you.

You don’t have to be superwoman, and from my own personal experience, you need to listen to your body otherwise it’ll take a lot longer to heal. (In my case I ended up having another major operation because I didn’t listen)

Thinking of you
Love
Helenxx

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Thanks Guys - I sure hope people will really mean it when it comes to me asking for help - So far I have had a close friend take me out for the day doing banal shopping things & another friend offer for us to go to her house for a lovely tea so I didn’t have to cook.

Unfortunately I dont have any family about, other than my Stepdad, but I can’t possibly ask him for help, he only just dealt with my Mum dying and has only just come out of his deep grief, it was bad enough telling him, believe me. I’m sure he would if asked but I just can’t do it to him, he had 3 years of caring for my Mum and it was hard on him. Perhaps thats why I’m so paranoid about all this, seeing what it did to my Mum, me, the family, to be putting my OH through this. My stepdaughter doesn’t live with us BTW and is 11.
Unfortunately I’ve had fertility problems and haven’t been able to have children, we were in at the IVF stage when the BC hit.

Argh, so much to think about eh? Urgh, just when I thought all the fighting was over…

We all survive though eh? And I must remember I am one of the fortunate ones to have this not go secondary and I am so sorry for those that it has and the additional heartache. x

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I am so glad that you felt able to post and your words really hit home to me and i hope i can be of a little help and reassurrance to you.

i am living alone with three teenagers- my husband left two years ago and i had the biopsy on the day my decree absolute came through
so not good timing! i have no family apart from elderly mom nearby.

even before diagnosis, I found it hard going effectively living alone in a student house where there was only me doing the work so, …
when faced with the prospect of surgery and chemo, i was petrified and wondered how i was going to cope, and what would happen if I needed help . teenagers just don’t notice if someone is ill!!!

any way what i want to say is that i have had 7 doses of chemo now FEC and TAX since novemebr 2010 and whilst i am not going to say it has been easy, if i can do it, YOU CAN DO IT!! i promise you.

i am thinking as i am writing so it may seem garbled and if i think of more, i will post again. initial thoughts

this forum has been an absolute gem - so pleased i found it - just keep reading and posting on the threads and you may well find people going through chemo if you have it at the same time as you who will reassure you of side effects /give advice etc.

i was absolutely petrified of chemo - i thought i would be bed ridden for 6 months - the side effects can be grotty but i have found that i have been able to do “normal” things just much much slower and even on my worst days i have manged to do what i needed to do for me and the kids. i did ask the consultant at the outset “what do you do when you normallly live life at 90mph?” and he just said listen to your body and slow down!!

as for asking for help - if it doesn’t come naturally for you to ask for help (and like me it sounds as if it doesn’t) then all i would say is be mindful of your friends and just know who you would turn to if you resally needed to ask for help - for example i have a couple of friends who have given me permission and reassurance that it is ok for me to phone in the middle of the night should i need to, i also know roughly which days/when my friends are available.

I havent actually asked for help much cos i still find it difficult to do so (but i did today cos the garage flooded!!) but i think more importantly i have learned to “accept” any offers of help when they are given rather than say im ok or no thank you -whether it is a meal or someone saying do you want anything from the shops i accept the offer. i have got by for almost 5 months now and you will do too

claire xx

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Hi, and welcome, I like yourself am fiercely independent, that was until I got cancer (again), I have a 12 year old daughter, and 8 year old twins, boy and girl.

My husband is totally reliable, and understands me better than I understand myself sometimes (I find it quite infuriating)!

You will inevitably come to a stage during your treatment, depending on how well you cope if you have chemo and get side effects, that you will need help.

Now whether you ask for it, or whether it is offered? I was on my last legs before I would ask, in fact I have been so pig headed and refused to ask at times I have cried and still struggled!

It is the most difficult thing for me to accept, feeling vulnerable, and thats what I believe this treatment does to you.

No-one is asking you to ever lose you independence forever, just when YOU need to, does that make sense, (I know what I mean!)

Good Luck, in finding your own way with dealing with this dilemma, you will find a way, we all have had to, be strong, be positive, even when you dont feel like it, but most of all accept you are human, and dont see yourself as any less of a strong minded, independent, but perhaps not so self sufficient woman, (but only for a moment).

Keep Smiling, hope this helps Love Liz …

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Hello there - great how many of us are independent and feisty eh? I wanted to add briefly that I finally started asking for help before chemo 3 of 6 -as Cheryl and Elizabeth said it was very very very hard to ask - I have a couple of friends who are unemployed or retired so I asked them.
They were fabulous, did the chores as agreed, and then dissappeared when nothing left to do. I had to learn though to be

  1. disappointed if someone had to say no
  2. trust that it would get back to normal after the chemo…

and it has got back to normal - 7 months on and I can do it all now.
best Nicola

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Standards - some people have very high ones, and the highest standards might need to slip a little bit in order to get from the start of the day to the end while you’re undergoing active treatment. If you’re the sort of person who hoovers the house from top to bottom three times a day (and feels put out that nobody notices!) then maybe drop the standards a bit and only do it once a day. Or if the kids have to be at three different places at once, find out who else goes to the same places and see if you can share transport occasionally. And sometimes my kids just haven’t managed to get to where they were suppposed to be, because I was just too tired to take them, and they were fine about it or made their own arrangements.

The help that you need might be just simple stuff that actually isn’t a big deal for people to give, even if it’s just going round Tesco with someone else and letting them put the bags into the boot of the car. It’s often the little things that really mean so much and that really help so much, so don’t be frightened about the big scary word “HELP”, it’s warm and cuddly rather than dark and frightening.

As for the help for the inside of your head, the BCC forums have been the best medicine out for me so please keep reading and posting, and you’ll meet lots of other frustrated 90mph women who have just had to take their foot of the throttle for a little while.

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It’s a learning experience - I’ve always wanted to take responsibility and be seen to be reliable and one of the hardest parts of BC has been accepting that I’m not superwoman… I’m still getting there with this “acceptance” but am totally humbled by the support I’ve had for all sorts of people - colleagues, neighbours, friends and family. Different people contribute in different ways - the friend who sends an email about funny incidents is as important as the neighbour who takes in the internet shopping if I’ve had to go out. It’s teaching me the hard lesson of accepting my limitations and not hiding them for other people - very humbling as I say in so many ways. This does not mean that this has been easy for me - I’ve felt frustrated, annoyed, overly tired and tearful etc etc but I am gradually “listening to my body” and give myself “down time” for relaxation/mediation/listening to music and am much more assertive in organising my husband and son (19yrs old) who will do things but usually don’t see that they need doing - and sometimes assume that I can’t do something that I can do which also upsets me so we sometimes get in quite a tangle…
Wishing you well with the challenge - do be kind to yourself with finding ways to cope; I love some of the suggestions others have given - so thanks too for sharing these
Fran

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I think the comments and suggestions made here are very helpful and practical. I understand the dilemma and I don’t know if there is a right or wrong answer - I’m sure there isn’t actually. I left a 17 year old relationship last year as I was very unhappy. Some have sort of suggested that it is a shame I don’t have that support around me now. I know where I would rather be and I have family close by :slight_smile:

Very best wishes xx

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All very good advice, I’ll just add my bit anyway…I’m a single woman aged 49 who lives with my dog (lovely but not much help!) I’ve been looking after my parents for over a year, my dad had a 3xcoronary artery bypass a year ago, and was very ill for months afterwards with complications. Meanwhile my mum’s bc returned in a nasty form, my dearest friend and one of my dogs died, and I had a lump in my breast which was being investigated. I almost collapsed at that point (and was put on a sickness warning at work just to add to the fun), got through the diagnosis with the help of a counsellor, the bc nurse, and a bcc volunteer plus the bcc site and the bcc helpline, without telling anyone else about it, and then had to own up and tell my mum who was by then having chemo. At this point I also told my work colleagues and a few friends, and was overwhelmed by the help and support I got. (I’ve had WLE then bilateral mx, but very luckily am clear and don’t need any further tx at this stage).I’ve asked a couple of people to help me with specific things, and they were actually delighted to do it. I ended up staying with my parents for 3 and a bit weeks after the mx, and we kind of staggered through it together. It wasn’t easy, but I was able to thank them for their help which I think made them feel warm and fuzzy and useful, and when you’re ill you do feel useless if you’re used to always coping!
I do hope you ask for some help, the most surprising people come through sometimes. Lots of luck, you will get through. Lynne xx

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Thank you all for your really fantastic help, like everyone else has had to, I’m going to *have* to ask for help and hope people offer and mean it.

I’m feeling in a better place because of your kind words, it’s so great having an online support network of people who actually KNOW what it’s like and are going through or have been through this.

So useful to have tips/advice too!

xxx