Hi everyone,
Wow. I read your comments and I seriously do not know where to start. Nor do I have any real explanation for why I posted other than it just ‘felt’ right and I knew that my wife would want me to. There are so many points raised by people here that I really do not know where or how to begin to reply.
This is not a post about beating the odds, this is a post about what can happen, and does happen, to many people with secondary cancer…
To start with I am talking with hindsight now, the pain is still so great, but the pain of watching my wife suffer was even more, and if it means that she gets some peace now at the expense of my future happiness and a lifetime of her suffering, then so be it. I would prefer that to anything. This disease took everything from her, literally, except for me and my love for her.
It feels so weird to be talking about her in the past tense, but I guess I have no choice - this is reality and happy endings are not necessarily reality. I even hesitated about posting further - am I a bringer of bad news? I dont want to be one to bring others down, but this is exactly what my mentality was. I didn’t want to hear about the ones that didn’t make it, and so I only concentrated on what worked. When it becomes secondaries however, that head in the sand mentality was not good at all.
LaraC was the stronger one of us. She denies this, and people point to me as being strong to support her through it all, but I was not the one that had to face my own mortality! We both took care of each other and I think this is what got us through it. I spent ALL my time very carefree and loving her for who she was. It helped her so much that despite the cancer ravaging her once perfect and feminine body, that I saw through it and lover her for her. I used humour and carefree day to day living to get her through it all, and laughter truly was the best medicine. She on the other hand prepared for her own death slowly - by making sure that everyone around here was taken care of in some way or another for after she passed away. She lived the whole last 2 years with the hope of long life, but without the delusion of anything more than a 5 year span (she was young, with BRCA positive gene and hence aggressive).
I think this is what made our final 2 years so amazingly wonderful. LaraC decided that by taking care of all her ‘loose ends’ early on, in case she died, she could spend the remaining time living life. For such a young woman, I don’t know how she managed the positivity. But honestly, we went away on holidays, savoured every day, spent time together as much as possible, but at the same time - I got through it all because she gave me space. It was this balance that worked perfectly. My space was my time to ‘escape’ and her time to cry, grieve, moan - to do it all when we were apart. This was the plan, but of course many times we grieved and cried together. All our lost dreams, and the pain of watching her suffer in extreme pain were unbearable enough many times for us to break down together.
The other thing that LaraC did was plan ahead for her passing by making the most of videos and photos in her final 2 years. She knew she would die young, and so she planned ahead by leaving behind as much audio and video of who she was. She did this mainly for her young nieces and nephews, knowing full well that in years to come, these would be the most valuable things to preserve her memory, spirit and bubbly zest for life. This is also a HUGE relief to me in the aftermath of her passing.
At the risk of going on - LaraC also kept a neat folder of ‘todos’ for us to follow in her passing. Not a thing was spared. What to do with her clothes, plants, jewelerry, finances and things. When to remember her, how to remember her, where she will ‘meet me’ when we tried to connect afterwards and most importantly - honestly - notes of approval and letters detailing her love and support for me and wishes for me to live a happy and fulfilling life. Speaking to others who did not get this, it really helped me alot to have her beautiful handwriting expressing such approval and desire for me to ‘move on’ after her passing because as guilty as I am sure I will feel one day, this approval will be like ‘gold’ to my heart.
Talking helped alot as well. I read some posts with others here who say they find it difficult to talk, but fact is slowly prepared me for the invevitable. LaraC used humour and mixed in lots of ‘if it ever happened’ type phrases rather than ‘WHEN it happens’. You know what I mean. She dressed up the hard facts but looking back at it, her wisdom and awareness of the value of these type of talks really is priceless. I can almost say that there is nothing now that has gone unsaid, and I feel that at least I don’t feel there are things I didn’t say.
Otherwise, I am a very affectionate guy and yes our sex life suffered so much. LaraC and I were at the prime of our lives, and the cancer had a huge blow on our sex-life, but we made up for this with continuous hugs and kisses. It really was so important to both of us that we maintained this affection, although LaraC did encourage me to ‘pay’ for it if things got desperate. It was after all, something she could no longer provide. Whilst I didnt take the offer, it really did help to know that that was an option, that she didnt approve of, but would understand and not hold it against me.
To summarise, what helped us was the fact that we tried to live life to the fullest, but acknowledged reality and prepared for the eventuality. It is incredibly painful now, but LaraC’s actions all worked out in the end. Here I am today, with many comforts over others, in that my wife took care of everything she knew would be painful for me and her family to take care of later. Regarding what gave her strength - she made it clear time and time again that I was her beacon of strength and that had I not been with her, she would have given up much, much earlier. I guess the key was love each other more, than you love yourself!
For those that remember, LaraC and I got married (7 years together) in May 07. It was a bittersweet marriage and the happiest day of my life until I die. She had full brain radiation in July and really, I think she lost the will to live when her faced puffed up, her hair fell out, her once beautiful body was wrecked and savaged, and a trip to the park was no longer possible. It was at this point that not even love can conquer a zero quality of life. In true spirit that she lived, she passed away quickly and within 2 weeks of entering hospital for breathing issues.
In the aftermath, I pray every night that she will visit me in my dreams, but she has not yet. She told me she will, if she can, and that she will look out for me. In terms of how I feel? I don’t feel sad that I lost her half as much as I feel sad for her and the things SHE misses out on. She had so much to give, and had such perfect maternal instincts.
DaisyPink - Yes having secondaries at any age is awful. Its a mixed bag. You can never be the ‘right’ age to get cancer, but as a young couple living with cancer to hit in our prime - we do feel ripped off completely in that we could not move on to the next stage. She always told me in hospital ‘You should not be coming here to visit me in the chemo ward, you should be coming here to visit me and our new baby’. The only thing we did as a young couple going through this was to look at celebrities. My wife followed Belinda Emmet particularly closely (lived similar lives cancer wise) and when Belinda passed away, it was a huge blow to our inspiration.
Sparkler and dm1968- Yes I have to consider myself lucky that I did share what I did with my wife. Many people have told me the same in trying to reassure me with their condolences and you are 100% correct. Of course 39 is still so young and whilst you say you have not found your soulmate yet, its not fair that in the scheme of things you feel you are running out of time. Your only 39! And to have kids and risk not seeing them grow up to adulthood is mindboggling. I cannot imagine. I often wished I had a child to remind me of LaraC but facts are it can be harder as you say to have them and watch them lose their mother. I wish you both the best and full support. I think the best thing for your kids if you are worried about the future is to invest in lots and lots of video footage of all of you together. If things work out, then perfect, if they don’t god forbid, then at least your kids will have these to hold on to. It’s just a suggestion.
Pinkerbell and Rosie2 - I am hoping that in time I can see this. I have an extreme fear that I will ‘forget’ my wife and our memories. I have such vivid memories and the thought of me forgetting things about her or us is scary.
Terry - I know what your saying. To say that at least you have seen them to grow into young adults is surely meant as a comfort to yourself and your wife, but in reality, a 44 year old can see so much more from her kids’ future. I’m sure your fear is no different to mine was. Age is all relative to what you have achieved.
Blondie - Your husband is probably me about 2 years ago. I am posting for many reasons, it helps me for starters (by sharing), but also because I know that this site played a large part in my wife getting through the emotional turmoil. I didnt even know her username until after she passed away, meaning it was her one area that she came to open up about things that no one on the outside ‘could understand’. I even have fond memories of doing the daily quiz with her each morning! My wife never asked me how I felt, but instead she took care of things quietly and we kind of continued along. I knew it was dire, but I did maintain a bit of ‘hope’ right up until the end. This hope my wife told me, always kept my wife inspired because when she felt down so many times, she used my hope to pick herself back up. There really is no substitute to talking to each other, and at least if he won’t talk about it, point him to my post perhaps. I am happy to answer any questions if he wants to ask. Otherwise maybe mix it in with humour and don’t make it so formal, as the formality of it can be very scary for a guy who has to bear the thought of losing his girl.
I have NO idea how long this post is and if you got to the end, but I hope it made some bit of difference to somebody and thanks for your kind comments. You are all going through your own crisis’s and yet you still took the time to listen to ours.
P.S - I am scheduled to give blood next week - something I never would have done before, but after seeing the wonderful effects, Im converted.