my newish partner (since Feb) left me last night - he had promised to be my rock says he can’t cope. I feel like my right arm has been cut off. My consultant was writing to the PCT to ask if I could have some eggs harvested and fertilised before chemo starts - now that won’t happen - I feel suicidal. Have a financial advisor coming out this morning, my critical illness cover will pay my mortgage apparently. so then I need to make a will leaving the house to my 9 year old. Spoke to the Samaritans last night, the woman kept saying “you’ve got to be strong for your daughter”, I put the phone down on her in the end, I am just in despair
my last chance of having another child - gone.
the person who was going to look after me post-operation - gone
the man who asked me to marry him, who was loookin for engagaement rings with me yesterday - all gone and I can’t cope with this alone
3 hours til the helpline opens
even my spelling’s gone
dear rosemarywine
Please don’t despair. It seems that many men can’t cope with this, but although you must be devastated it may be better to know now than further down the line, say after you were married. This double blow is a tremendous shock and it will take a while to recover - do you have some friends you can rely on? Can somebody take your little girl for a few hours so that you can have a break from trying to ‘be strong’? I am sure some of the others on the forum will be along soon to offer more practical advice (don’t have kids myself, so not the best person)
I am thinking of you.
Sarah
i just want to ensure my critical illness cover pays for the mortgage, then kill myself. i can’t face this alone. My dauheter has her dad to look after her and she is better off with him.
daughter
Dear Rosemarywine,i havent got loads of words of wisdom for you and often worry about replying in case i say the wrong thing but it upset me when i saw your post and thought of you feeling this low. Just wanted to say please hang on in there.All of us on this site have been through many different emotions and i am sure many of us have felt like you do now.I dont know much about egg fertilisation but can they not just take the eggs without fertilising them and keep them? GILL
im so sorry for upsetting you i
just dont have anyone to talk to
dear Rosemarywine - you are not facing it alone, all the others on the forum are here to help. We all have really black patches when we feel nobody around us can help, but there is always somebody on the forum who has been through similar or worse. I knwo quite a few have had partners leave, and am sure they will be responding soon to give support.
just try to keep going an hour or day at a time and keep posting
oh my dear, you are in a very dark place right now, even darker than before, but remember the day you were dx, that had to be darker than now and you pulled yourself now, there is light in the end of the tunnel - do not give now, esp not for a man who is not worthy of you right now.
you are not alone, we are all in this BC hell together.
Your daughter loves you and needs you. A mothers love is strong and so are you.
K
thank you so much i know i have much to be grateful for its just i cant see it at the moment. my tumour was only 1.2 cm x 9 mm when they measured it so i think there is some hope
god i wish i had a mum
there is always hope!
we all have dark days and when your support goes, its hard to get back up again, but you will get up, as BC will not beat us! It can’t, we are mothers with young children, they need us to live.
By the way, you sound in a better place, am glad
by the way, am arguing a lot with my OH - do you want to borrow him for awhile? 
thanks for the offer but no thanks, I want a full double mastectomy, they neednt bother with the reconstruction, i am done with men
damn it - I can’t even give him away! (I hope it made you smile anyway)
I’ve had a mast - as to recon, will think abt it next year but I do want one as I want to wear whatever I want
smile
K
i just did
Fiona
well thats the worst part of the day over and the financial advisor is coming at 10 to discuss my critical illness cover paying off my mortgage, i have just realised i have put a low cut top on, i hope he doesn’t ask which one, i might say guess?
chuckle chuckle
let your top on! enjoy it! I am so envious, I can’t do that now as the one-boob look is so not in this summer :0)
goodluck for today.
karen
thanks, i’ll tell him to make the most of the view whilst we’ve still got it!
Fiona
rosemarywine Ive just read your posts and I thought I would give you a quick reply I was diagnosed 16 months ago with bc I found the lump myself it was very big I had a mastectomy and 8 sessions of chemo I lost all my hair and had tp go about in a wig I was feeling like you at the time. Now 16 months on I have a new job full time and my life is so good again. I have just booked a big holiday for 2 weeks in Majorca I never thought I would be sitting here today they way I felt at the time. It is hard to take it all in when you are first diagnosed you dont think there is light at the end of the tunnel but believe me there is I am living proof. I live with my one boob very happily I am just so glad I am here to tell my story Ive just had my one year check up and they are so pleased with me. Please dont think I am being smug telling you this I just want you know there is hope. I love my life now and do all the things again I use to do.I had only moved back to Scotland after living in Birmingham for 28 years when I found the lump I was only here a week so it was so hard as I had to find a new doctor and was settling in to my new house and it was hard as I didnt know anyone here. I will say though the treatment I got here was fantastic and I love my new life here in Scotland. If I can help you with anything else then dont hesitate to ask I will answer anything I can for you. You Take Care Love Linda xxxxxxxxxx
thank you Linda for giving me some hope
Fiona x