I feel really embarassed at the moment, but I just seem to keep bursting into tears at the slightest thing.
This is my third operation for my cancer last Friday(two lumpectomys and one node biopsy) After the first two operations mentally I was in an ok place, even though they were more scary in that I was waiting to find out how if the cancer was invasive as well as the DCIS (it was) and whether my nodes were involved (thankfully they weren’t). I seemed to cope so well, but now I feel so down. Just feel like there is a huge black cloud on top of me that won’t budge.
I can liken it to hormones, thats exactly how I feel.
My son who is 18 and is a lovely quiet lad, is going on holiday with his friends today to Magaluf. Him and his friends are really nice boys certainly not yobs, but I am worried sick about him going away incase something happens to him. He goes in half an hour and I am crying now just typing this, how stupid am I?
Thanks for listening to me rambling yet again, I just seem to be all over the place at the moment.
Probably everything catching up with you is what is causing it, let it all out and you will feel better for it, you’ve been through a hell of a lot xxx
Its gratefully received. My son just said to me “mum why do you keep crying I will be fine”. I feel so silly! Some of the parents are going to see the boys off. My hubby is going with my son. Apart from the fact physically I don’t feel well enough to go, I would not want to embarass him by bursting into tears in front of all the other mums and dads like a stupid idiot!
It doesnt help that a friend who I have known since I was four who I am quite close to kept promising to phone last week, but never managed to, and I text her over the weekend saying how I was feeling and never heard back from her, so I am getting upset about that too.
If anyone dares tell me to “be positive today” I can promise I will stick there positivity where the son does not shine!!
Three Ops is a lot for your body to cope with, and the physical strain has an impact on your general sense of well-being. Be kind to yourself for a few days, big hugs, and I hope that as you recover you will feel less down too xxx
Thanks Roadrunner, that has REALLY helped. I wanted to here about nice kids going and being ok, as all I keep thinking of is those yob types you see on the telly on these brits abroad photos and worrying that the place will be full of them, so thank you, your post has helped.
His dad has just taken him and I was clinging to him for dear life and crying. How pathetic eh lol
Thanks Project women. This was actually my 7th operation in just over a year. I had two bowel, one on my knee and a hysterectomy all last year. The hysterectomy was end of November and I was diagnosed with cancer beginning of March so there has not been much time in between.
Think I have just hit meltdown, I also think I have been a bit in denial. Pretending I didnt have cancer, and that it was just like when you have an abnormal smear. Waking up in the Marsden on Saturday morning in a ward with cancer patients really hit me hard. I am wondering about maybe some councelling, I didnt think I needed it, but now I am not so sure.
You’ve been through a lot so it’s not surprising you feel tearful! Plus your boy is going off on his first big adventure - you are bound to worry, I know I did when mine did the same and he came back just fine!
Thanks Nymeria, he went to Turkey to a quietish resort last year with his friends and they were fine. Its just “Magaluf” and some of the types of people it attracts is terrifying me. I think topped with that and the operation only being on Friday I am a total mess lol its helping coming on here getting it all out, so thank you.
ps I still worried like mad when he went to Turkey mind you lol
hello sgl
as el katrano says, you have been through a hell of a lot. i believe that just getting through all that has a cost and maybe when you don’t have to be so strong your unconscious mind allows you to vent your feelings. i hope that makes sense - you wouldn’t choose to be feeling like this, but its healthier in the long run than internalising your feelings. please don’t be apologising, this is an appropriate response to whats been happening. think about how you would respond to a friend telling you this, and be just as generous to yourself.
have a peaceful day - hope its sunny where you are and you get the chance to rest.
as for your friend - there may well be a good reason why she hasn’t responded yet, but if not, then maybe she just can’t help how she is and, sad as it is, you might need to look elsewhere for support. that has been my experience, but i have wonderful new friends now. again, hard to take at the time though
i hope i’m making sense - never completely sure about that!
be kind to yourself
mon xxx
hello again, just read responses you’ve had in the meantime. just wanted to say counselling sounds like a good idea and loads of us have really benefitted from it. thinking of you
mon xx
I go through phases of welling up whenever anyone says anything nice to me - but it dies down the further I get from each chemo session, so at the moment I’m blaming it on that!
You’ve been through the mill over the past year and if you think that counselling might help then go for it. Don’t forget that there’s all sorts of diff counsellors and types of counselling out there and it’s not a ‘one size fits all’.
SGL aww sweetie sending you great big cyber hug … I get like this often I become a blubbering mess I really do im same some days im happy laughing & just getting on & then I have those days where the slightest thing even happy things & im in peices again Im filling up as I write this cos I know just how you feel, I can only describe it as getting on a MASSIVE Roller coaster that you have to stay on for now & you got the good bits that fill you with smiles & then there are the BIG dips that fill you with fear & dread, so that when you feel your on the smooth bits it just leaves us with the ‘limbo’ feelings & we are emotional creatures us girls so we have to go with it & let it out I say its cos we are intouch with our emotions that we are like this & CAN BE … keep looking straight ahead huni there will be a fun bit there coming soon.
Im sure your son & his friend will have a great time & be back with you sooner than you know & he will be thinking of you all the time too
Are you trying to do too much?? The very idea that it crossed your mind to go out to see him off sounds as if you are. And did i read you were in the garden yesterday with friends.
i know some people on here are up doing the hoovering the next day, but everybody is different. Your body has had to cope with so much, one illness/operation after the other. And you had more pain this time, pain is not just a drain on the brain, it is a drain on the body, it has do produce all these chemicals to try and cope with it.
I think it sounds as if you should be looking after yourself. Admit that you have had an operation, that it hurt and that you need some TLC and rest.
Also you were very worried just before the op, and now it is over, so crying at the slightest oportunity is away of releasing all the tension, so burst into tears whenever you feel like it.
if you are worried that this was not a good send off for your son, why not send him a text saying that your are feeling better now and you hope he has a great trip.
So I am not going to tell you to cheer up, or to be brave,you have been so much its only natural to be down and weepy. But do look after yourself and give your poor body a chance to recover and heal
SGL, completely ignoring all the rest of the crap you’ve been dealing with, you have just had an operation that involves anaesthetic, and getting over the anaesthetic OFTEN results in low mood and crying. This could be just a PHYSICAL response to the anaesthetics, and could be something you have absolutely NO control over, so for goodness sake don’t feel bad about feeling bad, you’ve just had surgery!
As for all the rest of it, you know your son, he’s been away before and was fine and didn’t get into trouble, so he has a very good track record. You might want to text him to tell him you’re fine and that it’s the anaesthetics getting to you, that he should have a good holiday and not worry about his soggy mother, in case you’re chasing your tail and worrying that you’ve made HIM feel bad (I know the guilt thing so well…) and that will also make you feel better.
As for everything else, I echo what you’ve already heard from others. Be kind to yourself, find a nice shady spot in your garden and go and rest. Never mind whether you deserve it or not (by the way, you DO deserve it), you NEED it and so you should be a good girl and REST. There, Dr CM has spoken! (Disclaimer mode on: I’m not a doctor and not medically trained. Disclaimer mode off.)
Feeling down and tearful is absolutely normal, especially if you’re trying to return to your previous activity levels quickly. Give yourself time, and if in a few months you are stuck at down and tearful or if it seems to hit much too often, see your GP. All of this can set off actual depression, not surprisingly, and in that case it is foolish to suffer when help is available.
On the other hand, if you really feel you can’t cope now, see your GP now.
Will your son be able and willing to send you an occasional e-mail from Magalouf just to set your mind at rest?
thank you so much for understanding and caring. I think old and lumpy has a point about me doing too much. I was dead heading flowers and pulling up weeds when hubby popped out yesterday, and then when mum and dad came around, against there wishes, I kept jumping up and getting this and that. Setting the table when dad went to get a chinese, making drinks etc. Sorting out umbrellas before they came in the shade, because I felt that I could do it. Not because anyone expected me to do it. My own fault for being so silly. I have just been to see the practise nurse and broken down in there (went to have dressing changed) and she told me not to be so hard on myself and I have been through alot. I ended up being sick in the car and am now resting on the sofa. I think its time I gave in and accepted things, rather than trying to pretend everything is normal when its not. Hope that doesnt dramatic, its not meaning to be.
I have text my son saying have a lovely time and I am just being tearful because of the surgery and because I love him, but to go and have a lovely time.
I have also text my friend and told her how I am feeling, but not in a confrontational way, but an honest way.
Hubby is going to put the umbrella up in a shady spot in the garden and I am going to lie there quietly (well thats not strictly true lol he is gardening so no doubt I will be bossing him around) lol thanks for understanding, you ladies are brilliant when it comes to support and understanding.
Mezzomama, he has his Iphone, so he has promised to text me once a day so I know he is ok.
my brain isnt working that well at the moment, so I can’t remember each and everyones name who has written to me on here, but I just want to say a huge thank you to all of you as its really helped and very kind, especially when you all have your own personal battles.
I’m sorry to read you’re having a tough time at the moment. As well as the support you are receiving from the other users you might find it helpful to talk your feelings through with someone from the BCC helpine, they are there to offer emotional support as well as practical information. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open weekdays 9 to 5pm and Saturday 9 to 2pm.
hello sgl
cheryl said it all! relax, enjoy the garden, have a glass of wine if thats ok for you and do a bit of day dreaming. i’m well impressed about you telling your friend how you feel- that is something i’m hopeless at.
take care and enjoy the sun - but not just today!
love, mon xxx
