Is it only just sinking in?

Hi everyone

I’ve only posted on here a few times so for those of you that don’t recognise me, I’m 27 and was diagnosed with BC on 5th July. I had my 3rd chemo session last week and have been on Zoladex for about a month and a half. I have felt so positive until recently (even the hair loss didn’t bother me as much as I thought) but everything seems to have hit me at once during the last few days. I don’t know if it’s the Zoladex kicking in or if I just hadn’t been dealing with it before.

I left work early today and have hardly stopped crying since. This is my dream job (landed 4 weeks before diagnosis) and I don’t know if I care about it or can even cope with it anymore. I can’t talk to my family as they think I’ve been dealing with everything so well and I don’t want to scare them by telling them what I worry about. My friends don’t understand and I only met my boyfriend 3 weeks before being diagnosed. He has been brilliant but I wonder if he wishes he hadn’t met me now and I feel tired from the pressure of trying to be “normal” for him and of feeling insecure about the way he feels about me because of the way I look. The last thing I would ever want is for him to carry on seeing me because he feels guilty or out of pity.

I’m so scared of feeling this miserable for the next few months. I’m not looking forward to anything other than the treatment and surgery being over but I haven’t even started to think about some fairly major issues like if this will leave me infertile and will the cancer come back? I want my old life back and am only just realising that is never going to happen.

Please someone tell me that it is normal for it to take 2 months to finally sink in and that I’m not slipping into a depression. I have felt like this since Friday and if anything it seems to be getting worse. I am not a negative person and feel terrible for blurting all of this out when many of you are going through so much worse. I know that I’m lucky that it hasn’t spread anywhere else but I keep thinking that it will come back in a few years and then I’ll have to do all of this again. The thought of any more chemo makes me feel sick as it is and what’s the point? I don’t have any children and I’m not married - I would never do anything stupid but a small part of me is wondering if it’s all worth it.

Don’t recognise myself on the inside or outside at the moment :frowning:

JeeBee

Please don’t worry about how you feel right now, everyone is different and especiallyu when it comes to crying. I have a friend with BC who cried everyday through her treatment whereas I just couldn’t squeeze a tear out.

You are young and all this treatment is do-able, absolutely do-able. Just you wait and see, there will be shed loads of posts on here shortly all offering you positive messages of hope, love and support, you won’t know which one to read first!!

Can I suggest a couple of things? Just to think about:

  1. Is your breast care nurse someone you feel you could unburden yourself to about your feelings?
  2. Perhaps you have a good GP, whether male or female they may be a good listener.
  3. Post on the Younger Women’s forum here - more support from people your own age going through this b%^&*( awful disease.
  4. The BCC Help Line is invaluable and they will talk about anything you like for as long as you like. They can also put you in touch with a peer supporter i.e. someone of your age who has been through all this.
  5. Counselling is an option too - you could probably get your GP to refer you to someone.

There, that’s a start. You’ve got a lot to live for, an awful lot. The chemo sickness won’t last and if it is affecting you then your care team can give you something to take it away. I had 8 sessions over 5 months and was not the slightest bit sick once because there are powerful drugs you can access - just ask.

Please post back and le me know how you are getting on. I will be checking each day but I’d seriously consider calling the Help Line, they are just lovely people who have ALL been through what you are going through.

Take care
D

Hi Jeebee

So sorry you are feeling so low at the minute. But it is normal, honestly, and you will have so many ups and downs, it is like a rollercoaster, but unfortunately you can’t get off it at the minute. You DO have so much to live for, never think otherwise, and do not give in to this. You may not have children yet, but you have lots of family, friends and your boyfriend, and you must try to look on the positive side, and think you can have children once you are through this. Check with your onc, nurse or someone on the medical side and they will talk you through the ins and outs of the fertility side I am sure. I have my 3rd FEC next week, and it is a tough journey we are on, but we are all here to help support you and want to help you.

I am sure that your boyfriend is committed to you, and you mustn’t think he is staying out of anything else other than that. I know it is probably easier for me to say, but I have the same sort of feelings although am married, and wonder sometimes what my OH must think, and whether he wishes he was elsewhere. He says I am being silly, but the thoughts are there. I think that no matter what our dx is, and whether someone else has it worse than others, we are all on the same wave length and have the same worries about all of it. Please let us help you through this, and talk to us or as Dahlia says, speak to one of the counsellors on here maybe.

I have rambled a bit there and am trying to help but not really sure if I have. But believe me, I am here for you and so is everyone else, so please post as much as you like whether to cry, moan, scream or rant or whatever. We will all listen and will all support you.

Take care and hope you are feeling a bit better soon and let us know how you are. You have got so much to live for, never doubt that for a moment.

Lots of Love and cyber hugs
Dawn
xx

Hi Jeebee, oh what we women have to go through eh? i am 45, was diagnosed on the 6th of june, had three ops since then, been on tamoxifen and now zoladex, like you i just got on with it, oh the people who have commented on how positive i am!!! if only they knew, don’t bottle it up, like Dahlia says, you need to talk about your feelings, i talk to my hubby, i find it hard to talk to other people, but i think thats because they don’t/can’t understand, life has changed for me, sometimes i feel very humble that i have a good prognosis, other times i am so angry as i had such a contented life before this happened, no one on here will tell you its easy, but as Dahlia says, it very doable, just keep that in your mind,

lots of love

Alisonxxxxxxxx

Hi Jeebee

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling to come to terms with your diagnosis at the moment, but am pleased to see that you have had some good response to your post from users of this site, who I am sure will continue to give you lots of support.

For some extra support, as Dahlia mentions, you may wish to contact the Breast Cancer Care helpline where the team are either breast care nurses or have experience of breast cancer. The team comes from a variety of backgrounds, so you will get to talk to someone who has an understanding of the issues you’re facing and they can talk to you about both technical and emotional issues surrounding breast cancer.

The number for the help line is 0808 800 6000 and is open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm, Saturdays 9am - 2pm.

Alternatively you may also find of interest Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service. This puts you in touch with someone who has personal experience of breast cancer or benign breast conditions and has been trained to listen and offer emotional support. We do our best to match you with someone who has experienced the issues that are most important to you, for example, you may want to discuss your options for treatment, the effects on your family and friends or simply share your feelings with someone who understands. I have given the link below.

breastcancercare.org.uk/content.php?page_id=4438

I do hope you find this of help.

Kind regards.

Katie
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

Jeebee

I just wanted to reiterate what everyone else has said. We are all here for you and have been where you are at some point. Please dont sit there and think that there are others out here worse off than yourself. That may be true but what each and every one of us is going through is HUGE to us.

Please talk to someone about how you feel otherwise you will get worse.

Sending cyber hugs
Fiona
xx

Hi Jeebee
Just want to add my thoughts - Im 37 diagnosed 3 months ago and this really is a tough journey. Sometimes you smile and occasionally laugh but then you remember and it is the pits.
I sometimes think my diagnosis will never sink in - I still feel all this is happening to someone else.
I think we all put on a face - we have to cope there is no choice. I often say I don’t know how this journey will progress - I have no control over the outcome - what I can control is how I choose to deal with it.
It is tough but on good days we manage on bad days I cry and look at this forum where women I have never met are there for me to moan to and genuinelly empahise with how crap I feel.

Hang in there - your fears are the same as every woman here - I worry about the future. I have been blessed by two beutiful boys and now realise there will never be a third and spend my time worrying if I will see them grow up - it is a sad old disease and then I pull myself together and thank goodness for the chemo that makes me feel sick, for the radiotherapy I still have ahead and remind myself that there is a lot to live for.

Hang in there - we are here to listen and understand - take care.

MuddyXXX

Hi Jeebee
I can only repeat what everyone else has said you are perfectly normal. I dont post often i mainly read but I always find the answers and comfort amongst everyones posts. I am 37 dx in April and muddys post could have been written by me her thoughts and feelings are the same as mine.
Its a tough time for all of us and we all deal with it in our own way, i hope the ladies on here can offer the comfort to you as they have for me by just being here with there understanding words and making me feel normal.
look after yourself jeebee
Rachel

Hi Jeebee,
I am so sorry you are feeling like this i know exactly how you feel, i was diagnosed 19th june and i have cried buckets this last few days for the first time , but we have to be strong there is so much to live for , i am halfway through chemo and honesly its not as bad as you think, there is so much support on here for you, take one day at a time, you will get through this, just a little tip i have aromatherapy once a week at slyndales cancer care and i attend a jewellery making class every wednesday this has helped enormously , i spend a couple of hours making something beautiful that i get to take home with me and you concentrate so much you actually do forget everything else plus i get to bang hell out of materials with a hammer which is agreat release!! hang on in there , we are all holding your hand.
love galen x

Hello Jeebee,
this truck hits us all at different times. It all goes so fast, there are so many decisions to take, that there is no-way that a normal person can take it all in at once.

You have also lots of change going on in your life - a new job, a new BF… that excitement and the initial blow probably kept you busy and going. Now it sinks in… and it is scary. It is very emotional, as it bring all of us to face some very basic fears - fear of aging, fear of … well we know.

I am 43, and have been diagnosed on your same day. I had a mastectomy, now am in chemo until Xmas. I have an excellent job - but I know I have lost probably all chances of promotions… I am great at it, but now I’ll stagnate. I have a daughter, I am separated/divorced. Now I look at myself, and wonder… where, oh where a new BF or SO will appear from? when do you tell “btw I have breast cancer, one boob and I am bald” in polite conversation?

I don’t want to rant. I just want to say that this is horrific, sad, emotional and it is normal to struggle. I understand you don’t want to worry your family, but perhaps there is someone who can understand. I watched recently some Sex&theCity episodes (season 6, episodes 15 to 19), where one of the girls goes through this. At some points she looks up and hold the hand of her friend, and says “please be a real friend. let me also talk about what I really fear”. That is what true friends are about, what family is about: they’ll listen. They’ll worry with you, be scared with you, cry with you… and eventually, laugh with you, share a drink, hold your hand… and much more as your life will continue after this. This is only a pause: there is lots to live after.

Wow - I feel pretty overwhelmed now! Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I have to say, I am feeling like a bit of a drama queen now but that’s how I’ve been - one minute fine, next minute big sobbing snotty heap! After saying I didn’t feel like I could talk to my family, my parents insisted on popping in on me as they were passing and I actually feel so much better for talking to them. My Mum thinks she is going through The Change and recognised lots of my symptoms as being hormonal so I’m hoping it is the Zoladex making me so negative. I feel better for thinking that’s why I feel like I’m not coping, not because I’m not coping, if that makes sense.

Dahlia - Thanks for the kind words and advice. I did consider calling the helpline earlier but knew I wouldn’t have been able to speak. If I continue to feel up and down like this I will call them or speak to my GP.

Dawn - Sorry but I am so glad you’ve had the same thoughts about your OH! I keep thinking that mine would be happier with someone else and that I wouldn’t even blame him.

Alison/Fiona/Muddy - Thanks girls. It’s so reassuring to know that there are people out there (even if they are strangers) that know exactly what you’re going through.

I’m going to make the most of my brighter mood while it lasts and have a nice bath and a glass of wine. I will definitely stop bottling my feelings up and come here again if I need to talk. I’ve always been independent and so “together”, sometimes it’s hard for me to let anyone in. I’d hate for anyone to think I was human :slight_smile:

I hope in a couple of days I’ll be feeling more like me again and will able to return the favour and help pick you up if you need it.

Goodnight and lots of love and hugs
Jo xxxxx

Jo, one of the hardest things that i’ve found is that i no longer feel that i have control of my life at the moment, i have always been a very private and independent person, i have found the invasion of people constantly calling too much, i even resort to lying when i want some peace and quiet so that i can try to rationalise whats happened to me in my mind. i have become a quieter person and my hubby finds it hard to understand that sometimes, but he says i am only a little more reserved than previous to this and he gives me the space i need, even if its only to come on here to talk to people who do understand how i feel. one day i may go to counseling, but for now, well, its early days, i need to come to terms with this in my own head, i still find it all so very surreal.

have a great bath, really enjoy that wine, and sleep sweet dreams

Alisonxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. Wasn’t excluding thanks from Rachel, galen and lilith by the way… I was on the phone for some of the time I was typing my comments (surely there’s no way that took me an hour!)

lilith - Feel like I have a special bond with you since we both know exactly where we were when one another was diagnosed… You are so right about all of the excitement beforehand too. I hadn’t thought about it before but maybe that has been keeping me going. My sister has loaned me the entire Sex&TC DVDs so I may have to skip ahead to those episodes.

Love to all of you xxx

Jeebee… :wink: when you watch it - you’ll cry a bit, and laugh a bit. For me it was sanity - being able to watch and laugh. Hugs, always.

Jeebee

Wanted to post last night but had to go.

You have two things as a BIG BONUS, you are young and you are strong. I had no problems with the Zoladex, in fact my hubby said he thought I had never been happier, only since last December have things got tough (I was dx 3 years ago at age 47). Things will settle down and you will be able to deal with each and every problem that comes your way, talk to your family and friends and talk to your boyfriend. Its early days but this may well bring you closer to each other, theres nothing like being able to help another human being and you will get plenty of help, support, love and care from everyone here. You will find we are there for you in the bad times, good times, will give advice and support, encourgement, truth and honesty. In one day you have made a whole bunch of new friends that understand exactly what you are going through.

We are always here for you.

Love K

Morning you lovely ladies

I thought I would update you all on my mental state :slight_smile:

Went to bed on Monday night feeling really happy after talking to my parents and reading all of your supportive messages and then woke up yesterday and couldn’t stop blubbing again! So… I went to see my BC care nurse in the morning and had a good long chat and cry with her and have decided to take a few days off work. I feel so much better now - think I have taken the pressure off a bit by skipping work and the floodgates have opened… I am being more honest about how I’m feeling with family, friends and my boyfriend and he has reassured me that he doesn’t think I’m crazy and I have every right to be upset if I want to. Went to bed happy last night and feel like me again (for the first time in a week - HURRAH!!!)

Like Alison, I may consider counselling at some point. The nurse made me realise that I don’t actually have anyone I can completely offload to on a daily basis. My Mum isn’t always well and so I worry about stressing her and it’s still early days with my boyfriend. I feel ok for now though and will come here to offload if no-one else will listen or understand!

Lilith - Have made a note of that before I lose this thread. Thank you x

I hope everyone is ok and that today is a good day for all of us :slight_smile:

Lots of love
Jo xxxxx

Jo

So glad you are feeling better and I understand what you are saying. The scary thing for me girls is although I’m not as bad as some of you Lumpectomy/Lymph Node removal and now on Tamoxifen and waiting Rads. I have been so unemotional through the whole thing. I think that one day the bubble will burst and I will be a wreck. Everyone tells me also how positive I have been etc but its like I try and put it to the back of my mind. I have no relatives around but OH thinks I’m wonderful and I hear him on the phone saying ’ Oh she’s fine same old Norma’ and I could scream.

I know it sounds ungrateful but I agree with Alison. As word has got round about my illness I have had people turn up who I hardly see year upon year and they think they are doing me a favour by just dropping in when they feel like it . I think they go and read up on the subject and know a neighbour who’s brothers friends daughter or somebody has breast cancer and have I got this and I should that. I just want to say B***** OFF and leave me in peace.

The best people to talk to apart from the professionals are the people on this site as we can tell each other our innermost feelings and thoughts without being patronised.

Raise a glass to us all

Norma

I understand, Lucy. Sorry, I didn’t realize it was against the rules *smile* guess we all have fuzzy brains huh.

Dear Jeebee

This is the first time I have used this discussion forum and I saw your initial letter and wanted to reply to it as I was also recently diagnosed with BC and have a lot of treatment to get through still.

When it first happened, I was in complete shock. I couldn’t eat, sleep or even cry - I was kindda numb. My sister spoke to my GP to get her to prescribe something to calm me down and help me sleep. It worked and very slowly I came through the initial shock and started to feel more positive. The positiveness came from friends, family, medical staff who were and are amazing. It really does help to talk and surround yourself with positive people. I told all my friends and family not to tell me anything negative at all as I knew that I was very delicate and couldn’t deal with anything.

The initial feelings I felt were the worst feelings anybody could ever ever possibly feel - you aren’t on your own and everybody deals with things in different ways but you do eventually deal with your situation.

Something to cheer you up if you fancy. I am also young to get BC and my chemo nurse suggested I apply to The Willow Foundation. They organise special events/days out for seriously ill young people. I applied for this and my application was accepted. I am having my special day out this weekend. I am taking all the people who have supported me and kept me going for a meal and I’m really excited about it. Why don’t you look into this as I’m sure you would be eligible like me.

Wishing you a lovely weekend.
Rebz

Jo

So glad to hear you’re feeling better. I haven’t been on here for a couple of days and have only just read your post, otherwise I wouldve responded sooner !

The advice and support you have had from the others is, as usual, brilliant and I have to agree with what they have said. Must admit I was an emotional wreck at the beginning but as time has gone on, have felt much more positive.

Anyway Jo, it’s about time us Peterborough girls got together I think - will message JulieL and we’ll get something sorted !

Take care

Sending you lots of love and a big hug

Julie xxx