its all getting on top of me again

hi all
here I am in need of support again. Just feeling really down at the moment. I keep feeling really anxious and in a panic and I am scared I will not ever have any peace of mind again.
all contributions gratefully accepted

If you’ll excuse a reply from a stranger

I’m sure you will regain a sense of peace, there IS MOST DEFINATELY an inner strength hiding away in there you know and you will feel better I’m sure

That panic feeling will go, though you might have to fight it with all the weapons you can think of using. Be kind to yourself your body been triggered into panic mode for a perfectly good reason. But now it’s told you , it has to know you know and it’s time to lay off!
Make a list of all the things that make you feel good, that you enjoy, that calm you down and avoid like the plague those things that aren’t good/positive/pleasant for you.

cyber hugs Val

Hi Nightowl - So sorry that you are feeling down and anxious. I know that horrid sick feeling it leaves in the pit of your stomach. The wonderful thing is that we have this site, and there is always someone there to “listen” or help out when you are feeling in need of support. All of us have days that it just all seems too much to cope with, and then other days when we are basically fine. This diagnosis of breast cancer is a dreadful shock, and losing our peace of mind is something that I suppose that each and every one of us somehow have to learn to cope with. Somehow we have to find a way to try to keep everything in perspective. While we are well we somehow have to find a way to enjoy that and feel that if ever something else comes along we will deal with it, but not let the thought of “what if” spoil the life we have today. Not knowing your particular circumstances it makes it a bit harder. But if you have had primary breast cancer, do not have secondaries, then the most likely outcome, by far, is that you will remain cancer free. The difficulty is that this comes with no guarantees and this uncertainty is a very tough thing to live with. I am still having treatment (finished chemo - having rads now), and know that I have all this ahead of me. Perhaps some other ladies further down the line will come along with their experiences and let us know how they cope. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you, and please keep posting. Sarah x

Hi Nightowl

I don’t post here very often now, but just wanted to reassure you. I was dx Grade 3, Triple Neg in Dec 2006 and, like everyone, my world fell apart. I was the biggest wimp ever, I worried about everything (my mum used to say that if I had nothing to worry about, I’d worry about that lol). I had a lumpectomy in Jan 07 and started chemo 5 weeks later. Once the treatment plan was in place and I knew what I was up against I suddenly turned into the most positive, strongest person ever - everyone was amazed, especially my mum. I sailed through chemo and rads and finished all my treatment in September 07. I am now back at work (with a full head of hair) and life is good. BC was always the first thing I thought about when I woke up, but I can go for days without thinking about it now and I honestly thought that would never happen. Like everyone says, you WILL also find that inner strength, where it comes from I don’t know, but you will find it (if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone). It’s still early days for you, so be kind to yourself and if you feel like crying, screaming etc., then do it. It will pass I promise. I was in such a black hole at the beginning that I thought I’d never move on, but here I am 18 months later. I have the aches & pains (chemo threw me into the menopause) and the dreaded heartburn rears it’s ugly head now and again, but other than that, I feel happier and healthier than I have done for a long, long time. I do have days when I think ‘what if’, but it’s probably about once a month and lasts for about 10 mins. I won’t lie to you, it’s not going to be easy, but you will come out the other side a stronger person.

Repeat after me ‘I CAN BEAT THIS AND I WILL BEAT THIS’ cos you will.

Sending you the BIGGEST hugs.

Julie x

Hiya

Me again.

I’m so sorry, I’ve just gone back through the posts and realised that you’ve already finished your treatment. That’ll teach me to jump straight in lol.

Hoping your days get brighter and the sunshine (???) chases all your clouds away.

Julie x

Hi Nightowl - you replied to me on another thread. So sorry you are still feeling down. I think we feel we shouldn’t have these feelings and we should get up and get on with life but its so hard to do sometimes. I am considering seeing a counsellor as I find the way people treat me the very hardest to deal with. It’s as though they don’t acknowledge what we are going through.

Like you - I don’t dwell on the fact that the cancer will come back but it is always in the back of my mind and had to get rid of that. I suppose in time we won’t think about it as often. It sit here, and I bet you do, and just burst into tears and it does help for the time being. This is happening less and less.

Do you work? or thinking of going back to work? I am thinking of going back on 1st July on a phased return and have to ring occupational health to see them and organise a phased return. I see this as getting back to “normal” but not sure how I will cope. If I could I wouldn’t go back but youngest daughter still at uni for another 2 years and debts need paying off - not my debts but ones my daughters have run up and are quite big. OH doesn’t know about them and I know would go ballistic if he knew and that is just another added worry.

I do hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Love and hugs

Liz xxx

Hi Julie
Thank you so much for your positive words. Today I have my last chemo following mastectomy and will have rads. There was a time when I felt positive like you that I would get over it, but lately I have felt ,strangely,that I should worry about it, that the whole thing is much bigger than I had in my mind.
To be honest I think it is because of what I read on this site. I enjoy it very much and find great comfort and support but it has opened horrors for me.
You have given me an opportunity to rethink. It is possible to get back on line and not have this forever ruling my life.
Thankyou again.

Margaret

hi everyone, thanks for your comments, I was getting really down yesterday, but I think it was because I have had a letter to go in and see my manager and a personnel assistant about any ways they can help me back to ‘good health’. I phoned a work friend in a panic about it expecting support, however, no such luck she just told me it would be good for me to face my fears and that they were really good people who just wanted to help me. She also tut tutted because my GP has given me a sick note for another 13 weeks. This did not what I wanted to hear, I am suffering from a great deal of anxiety and panic at the moment and waiting to see an oncology psychiatrist in a few weeks and I do not feel that I can cope with lots of people at a time or even the slightest upset or worry so the thought of facing people at work will give me sleepless nights until I get it over with. I think I will print out the article by Dr Peter Harvey

cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResClient/1761049276601BD68025735B00604834/FILE/article3.pdf?openElement
and give a copy to my manager and the personnel assistant, mind you I already gave a copy to the insensitive work friend but I do not think she has read it or she would not be so disparaging about my feelings

Hi Nightowl - can see why you name is that now !! What were you doing up at 4 o clock ? Or can’t you sleep? I think I’ve had just a few nights proper sleep since my op a year ago.

I printed out the article by Peter Harvey for my OH and daughters to read - but did they? No.

I do feel for you having so much anxiety about returning to work. How long have you been off? I have been off just over a year. The people I work with are really nice. But the doctor I work for (I am a medical secretary) is really lovely but I have worked for him for 8 years and still can’t organise him and he stressed me out big time s he won’t let you get on with your work and just keeps piling things on you. I know when I go back he will be okay for a few days and then he’ll go back to his usual self and I don’t think I can cope with that. I am just going to do a couple of mornings at first and build it up very slowly.

Love Liz xxx

Hi Nightowl
I do feel for you reading your post brought back to me my situation with work in 2006.
I was pressured so much to go back that i evenutally quit the job, which was only part time but obviously i missed the money.

Now i am further on since my Dx treatment and giving up the job i look back and realise i should not have let people pressure and get me to such a point as i did.

This ‘friend’ hasnt a clue how you feel and what you have been through no one has until they have experienced it. You need people to make you feel good and believe me you are doing very well. Anyone who does an op chemo and rads is bloomin stronger than those who havent experienced all that. SO WELL DONE YOU.

I too have seen a psychologist and i do know prob right now your feeling that your not coping and asking questions like ‘why does everyone else cope?’ and ‘why can’t i just get on?’ WELL believe me you will get on and you will soon be able to resume work and live life normally but NOW is obviously not the ‘right’ time to do it.

If your GP has given you a note for 13 weeks off then you need that time off.

Thinking of you and if you wanted will always ans a PM

Hug Rxx

HI nightowl - feeling for you so much! I’m a terrible worrier and non-sleeper too. Finished treatmetn last week, and am back at work. To be honest I feel tons better already going back to work, even though I am still very tired from radiotherapy. The other staff just work round me, and if I grind to a halt nobody minds! Maybe you are not so lucky at work? If you need that time off you must have it and get better. Is there any gentle voluntary work you can do? Its just a thought, I do feel better when something is distracting me, sitting and thinking is the worst thing. If you can get any cognitive behaviour therapy that might help too.
I really hope you come out of this bad time before long, we are all here for you so keep posting…Zoe xx

Nighowl

That is such a good article. It gives you permission to have the room to recover emotionally as well as physically. Take the time offered amd protect your self from extra stress and worry.

And I agree with the post above WELL DONE YOU for getting this far, it is in no way easy.

with love Pauline

Hi nightowl

so sorry to hear how you’re feeling, and the work worries you just don’t need when you’ve been through so much - when treatment finishes the emotional journey has hardly begun, I think, and it is a rocky old road.

I wonder if CAB could advise about your work rights, just so you’d know exactly where you stand and not be able to be hassled about returning when you are not ready? - it is tough having to wait weeks to see the onc psych but I am sure it will be a boon when you do; you might be able to see a counsellor as well, or even, say a homeopathist - that last sounds crazy, and might not be for you, only it so happens I went to see one and have been seeing her for about a year, and I have no idea about homeopathy, but they ‘treat the whole person’ unlike doctors who treat bits, and she is so lovely, and gentle, and listens and it is just a bit of a hand hold through it all, and helps.

All this will pass; it is a dark horrid time, but it will pass.

Hi everybody

Thanks to everyone for their support and good wishes

On Saturday I was beside myself because I had spent all the money I had paying for a holiday in May and 2 days before the mother of the friend I was going on holiday with was taken seriously ill (She had a knee replacement operation, contracted MRSA and then the GP gave her meds that interacted with her epilepsy medication, which caused her to have 2 seizures and stop breathing twice. She had not had a seizure for 40 years prior to this, anyway the upshot was she was seriously ill for a couple of weeks and the holiday had to be cancelled. I have known her all my life and am very close to her so I would not have been happy going away whilst she was so ill and her daughter, who I was going on holiday with definitely could not go. Anyway, on Saturday the insurance company sent me a letter saying that they would not pay out because the knee replacement was a pre existing condition. I was gutted, not just because it means i cannot afford to go on holiday now but because it was the final straw.

Since then I have spoken to a few people and I am going to appeal this decision and if I have to I will go to the ombudsman about it. My GP say that it is like an insurance company not paying out for someones death because we all know we are going to die sometime. and that the arthritis which necessitated the knee replacement is hardly a pre existing condition that causes seizures.

My friend telephoned my boss for me and asked if I could go in to see them in a few weeks when I have had time to try and sort myself out. My boss was very understanding and said that would be okay and that she does not want to put me under any pressure to return as she is aware that the job is stressful and I do not have to worry about losing my job, because they really value me and I have only to go back when I am ready. So that was very reassuring and took the pressure off me for a while.

once again thanks to everyone for the contributions.

Hi Nightowl

What are we both doing up at this time of the morning!!! I was diagnosed 3 years ago, and I find that not many people can or want to relate to bc, its too much for them take in and they prefer to think that its something that can never happen to them. When I talk to girls at work if its ever brought up I mention that everyone has cancer cells and it just takes something to trigger it off, I can see the look on their faces when they realise that it CAN happen to them so I think that it makes them a little more understanding. Im so sorry about your holiday. I had to cancel my first holiday due to bc in the April they company I had booked with carried it forward to the August but I found another lump and had a mastectomy so I had to cancel again. The company refused to refund me. Eventually 6 months later and many letters my bank paid me out as I had cover with my bank account. So keep trying!
Good luck
Debbie x
(PS I am going through a stage of sleeping as you can tell) x

Hi Nightowl

I think your insurance company are totally wrong. It was having MRSA, which was not a pre-existing condition and the interaction of medication which caused seizures, not the knee op itself. Its like going in for a routine op - say having your wisdom teeth out, then having an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic or antibiotics which in turn make you ill. the pre-existing condition was the impacted wisdom teeth, but that was not the cause of the acute illness. You must fight this as its so wrong and it gives the green light for them to practically makes everyone’s claims invalid.

Good luck

Cathy
x