Just a bad day

I’m kathryn and have just had 2nd FEC on Wed. Stupid thing is I feel physically better than I did last time (am just absolutely shattered) but emotionally am all over the place. It was my little girl’s 4th birthday yesterday and could barely find the energy to watch her open the cards and presents, my hair has finally decided to go and now i look at least 90 and I just can’t stop crying.My OH just doesn’t understand. He keeps talking about “picking up the sword” to continue fighting this together, but i’ve never felt more alone. He keeps talking about making it up to her next year, but how do you explain that to a 4 year old? My wig arrived yesterday but I can’t bear to look in the mirror to try it on. (How stupid is that?!) I feel so mixed up emotionally with no one to turn to who doesn’t say a) get on with it, pick yourself up (my OH)or b)bursts into tears making me feel even worse. (my wonderful mum). Sorry to moan but don’t know where to else to turn to. x

Hi Kathryn

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down.

You are bound to feel low going through chemo and dealing with your emotions over your daughter’s birthday, we all have horrid low and dark days with this disease and often its hard to find anyone who knows how alone you can feel.

I felt the same at various times throughout my chemo but a couple of days after my first chemo was the worst I was an inconsolable blubbering mess. I talked to my Onc and it turns out that the sudden stop of steroids can bring you down with a horrendous crash resulting in the bottomless pit I fell into. My Onc tapered off the steroids for the next time over a few extra days and I didn’t crash so badly.

Not diminishing how you feel or saying you wont feel sad and alone on other occasions but it might be worth talking to your Onc about how you felt this time and see if he can help.

xxx

Hi kjdm33

I’m sorry to read that you’re feeling this way, please do give the helpline a ring, they’re here to support you through this. Calls to the helpline are free and are open again tomorrow morning at 9am until 5pm (Mon to Fri) and Sat 9am - 2pm 0808 800 6000.

I’m sure you’re fellow forum users will be along shortly to support you as well. You’re not alone in this.

Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator

Dear katherine
I’m really sorry to hear that you are having a bad day and feeling so low. What you are feeling is so normal - many of us have been through it unfortunately. It’s hard seeing such a change in yourself so quickly - i was devasted when my hair came out, my eyelashes went, my eyebrows thinned a lot and i felt very bland looking and horrible but I did have a bit of fun with the scarves and wigs once I’d got my head around it all a bit more. I also attended the Look Good Feel Better workshop which is free and where you are given make up, shown how to apply it and generally just pampered for an afternoon - you should try it as they have them all over the country.

Also in terms of how you feel regarding energy - the effects of the chemotherapy are cumulative and although I didn’t suffer as badly from the FEC, I certainly did with the Taxotere, so much so that I was completely out of action for 3 days and felt like I was in another world. I felt extremely emotional and sorry for myself but then I snapped out of it and tried to get on with things. I tried to keep myself busy and made as many arrangements as possible. It’s not easy - nobody will say it is, but it is doable and you will get through it. In fact, I did take some drugs which helped me to calm down and feel a bit more in control and helped me sleep and I’m still taking them now. There were people who couldn’t provide the support I needed, so I sought out the people who could. There are many support groups and people such as your breast care nurse, the Breast Cancer Care helpline and these people can really help you. Be kind to yourself and don’t be hard on yourself, let people wrap you up a little - you deserve it.
Take care and big hugs
Ruby xxxx

Hi Kathryn,

My heart goes out to you. I was a bit emotional after FEC 2, i think it was because i was starting to feel physically weaker which i didnt like - lasted a few days and then picked up again. Any sad song on telly or radio would send me into floods. And how hard for you with a young child? but i bet she loved her presents and cards.
My children; two boys are a few years older and i have been very honest with them and they are taking it in their stride at present.

MY OH, who has been brilliant, just thinks i will get well and thats that. But as i will soon be on chemo five, he has come to recognise the SE’s and my fatigue and knows how to handle me.

I have come to terms with hair and breast loss, in fact i was numb when they both happened and havent really got really upset about them at any stage - i do hate the fact it is difficult to cover the chest area properly but again living with that!!

Its not nice, in fact its downright nasty and there is a good thread on living with breast cancer called i dont feel lucky that you should look at if you havent already.

Anyway i hope i have helped you in some way. Although the treatments do get a little harder, i think your ability to cope with them gets better, or it has for me… I can have a laugh about it, i can make fun of myself and i can think about the future.

All the best
Linda