I don’t know if there’s any point posting here. You can’t do anything. I just feel so alone and scared. Needed somewhere to say what I’m thinking.
I first noticed a small lump in my breast back in the spring and completely ignored it because it din’t hurt. I was getting piercing pains in my armpit but did not associate the two at all. Just thought I must have caught myself shaving.
At the beginning of November my cousin told me she had just had a lump checked out and recommended that if I ever had one, I should do so too. I admitted I did have one, and it had slowly been growing, but wasn’t causing too much discomfort. So I was talked into going to a GP. I had to wait 10 days as I insisted on seeing a female doctor. I expected her to say it was hormonal because I’m going though the peri-menopause. I thought maybe I needed HRT or something.
Instead she put the fear of God into me, going on about a large mass and swollen lymph nodes, and saying I needed an urgent referal to the hospital. I don’t know what else she said as I totally phased out. How I drove home, I don’t know.
I sat by the phone waiting for the phone call for days and days - in fact it was a week after my doctor’s appointment, when the hospital finally rang, and the appointment was made for 16 days after I had seen my GP. It all seemed to be happening so slowly, and in the meantime, my lump was getting larger and more painful by the day.
So I went with a friend last Thursday. What a waste of time it had been asking asking for a female doctor. Three times I had to strip to the waste to be poked, prodded, injected etc, and twice it was by men. I felt physically violated. It was so traumatic. So I had mammograms, ultrasound scans and 3 biopsies taken - two from the lump and one from the swollen lymph node.
I go back for the results on Thursday 5th. The lump is huge now, and my breast feels like it has been pierced by a knife or something. It really hurts. Both armpits are very sore too. To say that I’m apprehensive of the results is a slight understatement. I’m feeling like a dead woman walking. It is totally overwhelming and terrifying. I wish I was dead.
Whilst waiting for replies from other users maybe you would like to talk things through with a member of our helpline staff who are there to offer emotional support as well as practical information.
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Hi and let me say I do feel for you. I found a lump whilst on holiday and have been told it is suspicious and after the core biopsy it is almost definitely cancer. I have my results next Monday and feel in limboland and like you planning my funeral! There is nothing you can do which makes it so hard. I am trying to keep calm and have only told a couple of close friends.
Take care and I hope all is ok and if its not you will cope x I will keep an eye out for you on the forums
I am often told how difficult it is to communicate through writing especially when it isn’t easy to find the words when talking. It sounds as though many of you are struggling in each of your own way and maybe one persons way of expressing themselves is different to someone else’s. Reaching out to each other and sharing your innermost thoughts and fears is not always easy and often not always possible with people who know and care for you. Breast Cancer Care provides a non judgemental place for people to share their fears whilst respecting each others feelings. Many people will have experienced emotional pain which clouds how the world is seen, please everyone, think before you write, whether you are in that dark place or whether you are responding to posts.
You have totally misinterpreted my last statement in order to direct a very hurtful and nasty comment at me. Why did you feel the need to be so nasty?
You will see from all my other posts on this Forum that I am not a nasty person and come on here to offer support to ladies and to give honest advice which I believe in.
Please read again Anna’s advice to refrain from personal attacks on other members.
I will continue to advise people to try and stay positive. If you want to take this as pressurising then you are entitled to this. But please don’t accuse me of things when you do not even know me. You have never made contact with me before and I have posted a number of times.
Peace and POSITIVITY to everyone going through cancer treatment.
Thank you both. Sam Lee, I really appreciate your insight into dose dense chemo. Sounds like it is definitely worth it. Don’t worry, I’ll take all the medication going if it’ll give me the strength to kill this cancer and rebuild my life.
SJB - Hi there sweetie. If this brings some comfort and understanding then I am pleased I have responded to this. I too left going to see my GP for a very long time. I had felt something that was not perhaps right almost a year before. To be honest I can’t even remember the day I felt something. It wasn’t ignorance that I didn’t do anything it was perhaps my mind that convinced me that it was nothing. Then a couple of months ago I thought - oh, it feels like a lump now and it feels bigger! Again, I think I had convinced myself that it was still nothing to worry about. My breasts are quite large and I just thought it was breast tissue. Yes, how wrong was I. I’ve recently had a 30mm with margins 50mm removed during a lumpectomy. I still feel like this isn’t happening to me but realisation it is. I just wanted to say that we are all different in the way that we deal with things and there should be no beating ourselves up about “we should have acted quicker etc”. We are all dealing with our own personal journeys and we should all take the strength and support that we get from the forum. I am perhaps like you. I’m quite a private person and to talk to strangers about something so personal is perhaps harder for some of us. I know what it feels like to be in a dark place and it is some times hard to feel strong and positive but please take some strength from knowing that you are not alone. I am physically as I am on my own at home but I have not felt that when I read other ladies stories and their journeys. Just wanted to say take very good care of yourself and accept that you will have good and bad days and try to ride either day out as best you can. Sending you lots of love sweet. Mands xxx
I know you can do it sweetie. When I read your post I knew you were in a right state. I also knew that you were in the right place for encouragement, support and information. It’s a very hard journey for all of us here and we are all here to support each other. You took a first wobbly step in posting how you felt and I know that you perhaps upset a few people and I totally got that but what hit me was that you were crying out for help! I really hope you continue to get that help here and now realise that the lovely ladies here are in the same boat as you. There is so much help here and other places to help you on your journey. Don’t suffer on your own love - grab everything with both hands and when you are not feeling that you can talk or post - ride it out. If you can’t bring yourself out after a day or two then you really need to hold that hand out and ask for help. You sound proud like me and private but I really know that we all need to reach out to get through this. Anytime you want to rant and you don’t feel like you can do it on the forum then please do PM me and I’ll try and be there for you lovely.
Well, I’m back home from my CT scan. That was fascinating. I’m assuming the bone scan is similar. My taste buds seem a little neutral now but otherwise no side effects. Not sure if that’s normal or not.
Happy new year SJB, well done and go girl. I’ve hit a little blip so to hear that you are doing so well lifted me slightly. Wishing you all the best for 2014. Lots of love and hugs. Mand xxx
It’s the William Harvey Hospital in Ashford Kent, but we live out in the country. I will ask about it, but they don’t even have any drinking water. When my mum asked if I could have a drink they told her to go and buy me something from the coffee shop at the hospital entrance!
Hiya sjb Absolutely brilliant news, I’m really made up for you! … This is the best news i have heard in such a long time! … Thank you for sharing your good news with us all and keeping us all updated on your progress! … You take good care and enjoy every moment, you absolutely deserve to at the very least! xxxx
Really pleased you have been given the all clear, that went quickly didn’t it? I wondered if you could give me some information on the full lymph node clearance as I have to go back in next. Thursday to have one. I am wondering about recovery etc.
x