Just cant get cancer out if my head!!!

Public Archive
1

Hi
I was diagnosed with bc on the 6th dec last year so its been abiut 6 weeks.
I think about my cancer every wakung minuite of the day. I just sit there taking it all in. I gave cancer
ihave cancer it seems so unbelievable!!!
II keep thinking how many years i have left and reading others stories. Is it one year, two, five?
will i get mets? doesnt everyone get a reaccurance or mets at some stage?
gave others felt like this. do you ever feel better about it or be able to take your mind odf it?
Im recovering from mx and awaiting chemo dates so i guess i have more then normal time on my hands to think!

sorry what a worrier I am i think stillbin shock maybe?
Thank you for lustening to me unload.xxxx

2

oh apologies for my spellings…cant type well on phone

3

Oh Lavendersun, you have just about summed up how we all felt in the first weeks. All I can say is it does get easier. the time between BC thoughts gets longer.

There are literally HUNDREDS of women who have been through BC years ago and are fine now. Yes, there are also hundreds who have had secondaries for years and many who have died young, but a cancer diagnosis does NOT mean you will be in the latter 2 groups! Focus on all those who beat it, and remember treatments are improving all the time.

Try to do something you enjoy every day and notice that you are enjoying it. It sounds stupid, but I found it helped me a lot. I went for walks and made a point of listening to the birds and looking at the trees and appreciating them properly. Nature might not be your ‘thing’, but whatever you enjoy: coffee with friends, trashy TV, a pub lunch, shopping - whatever do it and enjoy it without feeling guilty!

You WILL get through this, and this time next year you will be where I am: today is the First anniversary of the routine mammogram that started my BC nightmare. I didn’t have chemo (borderline, offered and declined!) so my journey was shorter than yours, but I’ve been back at work since June (part time until September) and i’m gradually getting back to ‘normal’ - or at least a new normal. Yes, I do still worry about BC returning and I do get paranoid about aches and pains, but not EVERY day any more!

You WILL get there! Rant away on here. We understand. Hugs xx

4

Hi Lavendersun,
I’m just 11 months on from initial diagnosis and treatment and I felt exactly as you do now at the time. However I can say that having gone through chemo, rads and still ongoing with herceptin I really don’t think about cancer all the time. Yes, it proably crosses my mind at some stage each day but I totally refuse to let it ruin my days. Xxx

5

oh jcj
thank you so much what a lovely reply. its all so hard and its goid to know im nit completely crackers
when i feel its all too much.
actually i love nature and really enjoyed a dog walk in the woods fir tge fiist time in weeks the other day. i like
your idea of doing something you enjoy and taking notice you enjoy if. i will try that.
i baked a cake this afternoon but just had dark thoughts all aftetnoon. i will try harder.
my sis in law has come to stay to help she means so well bless her but is actually driving me nuts!
anyway thank you those words mean sooooo much. off to ice the lemon drizzle cake.
hugs xxx

6

Try not to write rude words with the icing! Though it might help! I found swearing at the empty room helped sometimes too! :slight_smile:

If you like nature, try to manage a walk every day - even if it’s only around the garden on your tired days. The fresh air and exercise really does help with the fatigue and emotional turmoil caused by treatments. As we get into spring there’ll be all the new growth to look forward to. The tiny lambs in a field near my house kept me sane through the great chemo debate and rads. I used to go and sit on a stile looking at the lambs (and crying sometimes, but they didn’t care!)

I can imagine how hard it is with a well-meaning visitor around - make sure she realises you need your own space sometimes during this difficult time. x

7

hi kittyqueen
thank you for your lovely post.
I see you are on herceptin so you must be her2 pos. you know i am too and no matted
what anyone says its the hef2 that freaks me out.
how do you feel about it?

thank u.
hugs xxxx

8

Hiya…trying not too post too much as I feel I should be moving away from the forums but I’ve been where you are now and just wanted to say that it does get better…I ate slept and breathed cancer when I was first dx…I can honestly say that 8 months after the end of treatment…my treatment finished in May 2012…right mx 3*fec and 3*tax…that I don’t think about it all the time…I am afraid of what the future may hold but no one knows what is going to happen…we’re not meant too are we?..my advice is too take it one day at a time and as JcJ says enjoy your life…if you feel like having a rant post on here or have a good swear whatever floats your boat is OK…apple

9

I remember when I was first diagnosed, it was just before one christmas, I was putting up the tree wondering whether I would still be here to do it the following year. That was 27 years ago, over the last 5 years I have had a couple of recurrences and am again on treatment, but I am still here.

Not everyone gets recurrences, I did’nt think I would after so long.

Godd luck.

Jan

10

I think I can safely say that in my experience what you are going through is PERFECTLY NORMAL! Of course you are living and breathing cancer it’s to be expected as it’s really not long since you Dx, and bc is BIG and SCARY.
For me it’s just a year since Dx, done the chemo, had the surgery and now all I have left is THREE Herceptin:) Yes, just the three left, and one day you will be in my shoes and be thinking just the three left, and then that’s it!
I now no longer obsess about cancer, infact apart from the obvious scars - I had a double mx with immediate DIEP recon -, I actually have to remind myself sometimes that I have bc!
But, you will come through to the other side where bc doesn’t occupy your every waking moment - promise.
Sue

11

Hi Lavendersun,
When I was first diagnosed with BC and told I was HER2+ I didn’t have a clue what it meant…just thought whooo it means herceptin…then I googled again and again and again lol…scared me witless at first BUT I camed to realise that we are very very lucky t be able to have this treatment. There are still not a lot of stats available on herceptin for early stage BC but here’s hoping that the beast never comes back xxxxx
Love
KQ

12

A 'very big thank uou to you all. you are all so kind to spare me some time to give me hope and support.
thanj you thank you. i honestly do feel bettef after all if your lovely posts. wish j could fadt forward the next 6months!!!
mmmm writing swear words in my cake icing lol !!!
hugs to all xxxxx

13

Lavendersun, just reading through this thread. I know this probably won’t help, but bear with me! When I was diagnosed on 7th March 2011, like you, my every waking moment was absolutely consumed with breast cancer, fear of dying etc. I kept thinking, “not me, surely. They must have got it wrong”. But unfortunately they hadn’t got it wrong. So I just got on the treadmill of hospital appointments and treatments etc. I have to be honest, and tell you, I cried at some point, EVERY day from diagnosis for 10 months. I have lovely friends who loved and supported me and took me out and about. I had counselling for 8 months (which really helped) and eventually, in the new year last year, I felt I’d turned a page in my life. I stopped wearing my wig on New Year’s Day, despite only having a little bit of hair! I started focusing on getting back to work on March 6th. (I am an oncology staff nurse at the hospital where I’ve been treated!) I was still having Herceptin when I went back to work and didn’t finish that until 29th June. It was a very difficult time, I’m not going to deny it.

And now, here I am. almost 2 years since my diagnosis. And I can honestly tell you, it does not consume me any more. Never thought I would say that! Don’t get me wrong, I do still think about it several times a day, and think i always will, but it doesn’t overwhelm me like it used to.
My counsellor told me once, it is like doing a jigsaw puzzle. When you are focusing on one section of it, that section seems massive and all consuming. But eventually you fit that piece into the bigger puzzle. And suddenly it doesn’t seem so big anymore.
And, for me, that’s what breast cancer is like. For a time, it was HUGE in my life. But now, I’ve fitted it into my life and it doesn’t feel as big as it did. It’s part of the bigger picture that makes me, ME.

I notice you said in one of your posts, that you will “try harder” to not let dark thoughhts come into your mind. Don’t fool yourself, every single one of us on here has had those same dark thoughts, and more! But I just want you to know, life does get easier. I promise you. I know you can’t imagine it at the moment but it does.

Dont be too hard on yourself! It’s still very early days for you. Surround yourself with people who love you, they will cushion you through this horrendous time. And as someone else on here says, do lovely things and take the time to enjoy them.
Wishing you the very best with your treatment.
Keep in touch
Mandy xxx