Just need to get it off my chest
Just need to get it off my chest I haven’t posted on here in quite a long while, but I do read the forums regularly. I’ve been struggling with the getting over the end of treatment scenario, but have had some counselling and was finally getting my head round everything.
Got thrown into a minor panic a few months ago when my brother was found to have a pre-cancerous polyp, and we’ve all been told to have a screening colonoscopy (something to look forward to, eh?).
Anyway, was putting that into perspective (worse things happen at sea and all that), when my dad got ill and was diagnosed with very advanced bowel cancer. He is now under the care of the palliative care team, on morphine, and seems to be fading away before our eyes.
I watched my mother die of ovarian cancer 13 years ago, and hate the thought of seeing my dad go through the same thing. On a more selfish note, I’m scared of looking at him and seeing my own worst fears realised.
To make it a little more complicated, he lives in Ireland, so I’m over and back there as much as I can. But with working full time, trying to write my dissertation and all the worry, I’m getting utterly exhausted.
I should be grateful, because all my brothers live close to him, one has moved in with him and they are all hugely supportive, which certainly takes the pressure off me.
I’m feeling sad, angry, scared and selfish all at the same time.
Just wanted to get that off my chest, thanks for reading
Hope everyone else is doing ok
Mary
danan who wouldn’t need to get that load of horrors off their chest!
Rant all you need to- anything that helps lighten the load. Best wishes, sympathy and hope Providence decides it’s your turn for something good for a change, dilly
Peer Support Hi danan
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so down at the moment.
You may be interested in Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service. The purpose of the service is to put you in touch with someone who has personal experience of breast cancer. They have been trained to listen and offer emotional support and further information.
We do our best to match you with someone who has similar experiences and issues as yourself and who therefore understands what is most important to you. I have given the link to this service below:
breastcancercare.org.uk/content.php?page_id=4438
Also, if you feel it would help just to talk to someone in confidence, our helpline will be a source of help:
You can call the helpline on 0808 800 6000
Monday to Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm.
The team is able to talk about both technical and emotional issues surrounding breast cancer and breast health.
I do hope you find these services can offer you some support.
Kind regards
Forum Host
Breast Cancer Care
With love You know, Mary, when I read this, as someone not involved in your life, it struck me so hard how much you are doing and feeling and trying to cope with.
Quite apart from the whole horrific breast cancer bit, which we can all relate to, you’re having to handle all these emotions surrounding your father, and they’re hooking into how you felt when your mother died, so you’re getting a double dose. And, as you say, your father’s condition isa bleak reminder of possibilites.
On top of that, you mention your dissertation, and believe me, I understand that one! That alone can drain you. Think very carefully - it’s the one thing that you can change. Could you defer? Or would you feel awful, doing that? Could you work out a longer time frame, to give yourself a little space?
I’m only working from my own experience - all of a sudden my partly written doctoral thesis seemed remarkably unimportant after all this, so I decided to give it up and concentrate on what I thought was important. But I understand that it may be something that for you, is keeping you sane.
But do see if there’s anything you can trim, to give yourself some time. You need it. You can’t do everything, my love.
Jillie xxxxxxxx
Thank You Thanks for the support.
Jillie, you’re right, and I have thought long and hard about the dissertation. I’ve already deferred it for a year when I was diagnosed. I have considered giving up on it completely, but it’s part of my normality and represents my being able to achieve what I want to achieve in spite of this whole breast cancer thing.
I spoke to my supervisor yesterday though, and she’s extended my time til September, so that at least gives me some breathing space.
I shouldn’t get so down I know. I’m very lucky in having huge amounts of support. Jujst had a little crisis of confidence. It’s such a help being able to offload stuff here, and know that people don’t judge.
Thanks again for your replies
Mary x