Hi I am so sorry for you to have had an awful mother. My own son is gay and I do kinow from experience how some parents can make their childrens life a misery when they discover they are gay. I always said to my son ,Be your own man and people will respect you for it, He did and now people see him and say his name , not Oh he is gay first. Life has been hard for you,I wish you love and happiness in the future. love suzan x
My mum was a lovely gentle wee soul but my MIL was a nightmare - bitter twisted and cruel at every opportunity. In the end the only way i could heal my soul was to keep away from her. Didn’t see her for years even though she lived a few yards away! I know how much pain these mums can cause. Ironically, when she was dying in hospital it was us who visited her and held her hand,brushed her hair, cut her nails, brought in clean stuff, flowers, yoghurts, etc. The other siblings were nowhere to be seen and it seemed cruel not to help her a wee bit. But she didn’t deserve it as she truely was vile and is not mourned or missed. You reap what you sow, I suppose.
thanks again to everyone who’s posted
am about to do one of my regular culls of older posts (too publicly available for me) but will leave this thread intact
nothing to do with the vile woman having had any value, but i’m glad it’s a comfort for some other bcc’ers that not grieving is ok
there are loads & loads of ups
-
no more keeping an eye on what’s going on behind my back, just in case
-
no more constant low-level feeling of fear
-
an end to contact with my biological family altogether - yipee
-
affirmation from created family, friends & bcc’ers that it’s ok not to grieve your mother’s death - waste of yet more energy for some of us
-
comfirmation that years of therapy have been worth it
-
for those who find the ‘inner child’ model useful, mine’s gambolling about just playing, without fear or judgement, being the happy child she’s more definitely allowed to be
-
feeling that i can look after myself better - the last bit of leaving behind all the nasty, knotty ties that have stopped me (although i can’t break all the habits i’d developed for not looking after myself at once, but that’s ok)
-
singing, breathing, opening up my diaphragm without making myself vulnerable
-
enjoying, when the fact that she’s died pops into my mind, having a little smile then letting the thought pop out again
-
so many more
as you say choccy, onwards & upwards - all feels possible with a big bit of baggage jettisoned, you’ll see
just a little update
me and t’wife didn’t go to the witch’s funeral
we decided that if someone really lovely had died we’d have found a way of getting to the funeral so we’ve put some money we haveen’t really got aside for treats - i’ve already had my inheritance (high blood pressure, bc & a touch of madness) so this is the nice bit &, as per usual, i’ve had to sort it out for myself
we’ve been out for nice lunch, bought some books & cd’s, i got an expensive frying pan i wanted but really didn’t need & we’re both going for a head & neck massage this weekend - cheers, mother
so, for other people in my position my advice would be to say to yourself ‘if i don’t go to the funeral will i look back & regret it in 10 years’ time?’ (my clever wife came up with that one)
if the answer’s a real, calm ‘no’, don’t go - just do something nice / soothing / affirming of your good relationships & friendships instead, & accept that some people’ll judge you but at least you don’t have to make it easy for them by travelling to a gathering of them all
enjoy your mothers if you can, remind yourself it’s not your fault it you can’t
hugs to anyone who needs / wants one