Looking like both breasts now

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Hi

I was diagnosed on 13th Nov and have been trying to get my head around everything since then.  I went through the shock, which was very similar to when my Dad died, 20 years ago.  I had the Thursday off, but returned to work on the Friday, I really didIn’t know what else to do.

 

I’ve told some friends, told my aunt, all have cried when I told them - it feels like I’m talking about someone else when I tell them.  Still haven’t told the kids or my mum.

 

I was all set to see the oncologist on Wednesday this week, but the appointment was cancelled as something showed up on the MRI that they want to look into.  But stupidly, when I got the call on my mobile, on my way home from work, walking down a busy street, with lots of traffic going by so could hardly hear what was being said by the nurse with a really strong accent, I failed to ask what they had found and where.  All I remember is her saying that I would need another ultrasound and possibly another biopsy.

 

To cut a long story short, after trying to call the nurse (but she was not there and no one else could help) two days later, I have received a letter with an appointment, for ultrasound on the Lt (which I assume is the left breast - my cancer has been diagnosed on the right).

 

So it’s looking as if I’ve got it in both breasts - or am I jumping the gun?

 

I am so scared of the power of my thoughts at the moment as the other day I was thinking that I would rather have a double mascectomy so that the breasts match - now it looks as if I will be getting what I wished for!

 

I’m unable to sleep without sleeping pills at the moment, I tried to stop but was awake at 4am the other day and had to work the next day, so decided that perhaps that wasn’t a good idea.

 

I am really aware of the lump in my right breast now, I can feel it - is this normal?

 

I have a good friend who went through this last year, and I’m getting all my strength from her.

 

Forgot to say, I’m 43 with 3 boys. 

 

I’ve had a few glasses of wine (can’t do any harm now surely!).  

 

I could write pages wreit now - but I will stop there, you all know how I feel so I don’t need to go on and on.

 

x 

 

 

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Hi HFK1234
Welcome to the BCC forums where you will soon have lots of support and shared experiences from your fellow users here, you can also find practical and emotional support from our helpliners who are on hand weekdays 9-5 and Sat 10-2 on 0808 800 6000

The following link will take you to further information and support ideas from BCC which I hope you will find helpful:

breastcancercare.org.uk/category/cancer-journey/just-diagnosed-primary-breast-cancer

Take care
Lucy BCC

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Hi,

Im sorry you have found yourself here on the emotional rollercoaster of cancer!

This is the worst time for you, the waiting and not knowing and it will get better I promise!

First of all I would try to ring your breast care nurse again so you can find out for sure whats happening otherwise you will make yourself ill worrying and in your mind things will be a lot worse than what they might be. Also you didnt say if you have had a biopsy on your lump…im presuming you have and if so there will be swelling in the area that could make you feel more aware of it.

Im 44 with 3 boys and 1 girl, im a little further on as ive had my mastectomy and recieved all my results and now on my treatment plan…once you start getting results etc you feel so much better and more in control!

Im sure there will be more lovely ladies along soon to give you some more advice and support and there is also the helpline :slight_smile: my breast care nurse was a godsend I rang her constantly in the early days and found she always reassured me, hope you manage to get some answers.

Take care and ((((hugs)))) xx

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Hi HDK1234
I am sorry you have found yourself here also. But it is really helpful to know you are not the only one going through this.
I am a little bit further along but know exactly how you are feeling now, but it will get better one you have your treatment plan. I am 44 with 3 children 1 girl and two boys. It’s hard telling your family but once I did I was relieved. Take care x

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hi HFK- I hope your results are negative.  I’ve had MRI scnas- before and after neoadjuvent chemo.  Your specialist may tell you that while MRI scans are brilliant, they can exaggerate what they find.  I had MRI when we found the hormone therapy wasn’t working very well and the mammograms weren’t showing my cancer very clearly.  We got a great picture of my cancer in the left breast, where we knew it was, but we also found an 8 mm something in my right breast.  I prepared myself for this whole dx thing all over again but in the end the radiologists had another look and decided it was not cancer.  Fast forward 6 months and 6 cycles of chemotherapy; I had MRI number two and not only had the left breast tumour shrunk (a bit, but apparently not as much as we had hoped for), but the right side thingie had disappeared totally. 

 

When I had the pathology results after the op on the left breast we found that the tumour had shrunk from 70mm down to lots of bits no larger than 6mm and the rest of the “tumour” showing on the MRI was actually early cancer.  (Chemo is a marvellous thing!) Every cancer is different, but this maybe goes to show that MRI can be a rather crude picture of what is actually there. Good luck!

 

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Hi ladies, thanks for your replies so far.  I hope I’m replying in the right way on the forum - I guess I’ll find out when I hit the post button!

 

Yes, I had a biopsy initially, which I was really reluctant to do.  As far as I was concerned, it was just a cyst (I have one on my jaw which turned out to be benign, so kind of felt I’d been there before).  It was like have a staple gun put into my breast, the sound of it was the worst of it really.  I was sore after, but it didn’t bruise as much as he said it might.  Although, as you pointed out, 4littlecherubs, that’s probably why it’s starting to hurt!

 

I went back to get my results on my own!  I felt so sure and so cocky that I would be ok, it didn’t even occur to me to take someone.  It seemed ridiculous that my husband should also take time off work for something that will be nothing!  I have just started a new job too, so really felt as if I was getting my life back on track.

The consultant then told me the results - non-invasive tubular carcinoma.  He said it was a good cancer, so I jokingly said “I can handle a good cancer”!  He then got me to strip down again and started talking about cup sizes, he guessed my A cup and that he would need 200g of fat - I sat there thinking how amazing that he knew the weight of my boob!

 

I was having a kind of “out of body experience” after all of that really.  I could only shake or nod my head in response to what he was saying.

 

The shock hit me at 4am the following morning - I woke up and this little voice said “I have cancer” - that was it, I freaked out completely, especially when I thought of the kids.  I never wanted to take my son to breakfast club again - I just kept seeing his little face.  I kept saying over and over “his little face, his little face”. 

 

I sat in a daze the next day.  My husband took the day off and thought that we should go shopping.  It was my middle son’s birthday coming up so I had to get him a present.  It did perk me up and I decided to go back to work on the Friday.

 

The funny thing is that I’ve gone from feeling really happy and grateful for being alive, my kids couldn’t irritate me - how long did I have left with them?  How could I possibly be annoyed with them? To being a moody old cow again!  How has that happened.

 

I also feel it’s because I dared to say that I was happy out loud!  Who does that?  Surely I should have carried on moaning about my woes, I should have known better!  : )

 

I’m dreading telling my mum.  She’s an alcoholic and has done so well lately, this could knock her back, she won’t cope with it - I’m all she has really.  : (

 

I have no idea how my boys will take it.  My eldest (16) has aspergers - so he may even ask for a tenner after I’ve told him (sorry, I am making light of it all - I have to!) .  My middle one (14) is a soppy sausage and will not take it well at all.  My youngest is 7, so I really have no idea how he will take it. 

Do you think I should use the C word to the kids or just say lump?  A friend of mine who has just recovered thinks I should say lump.

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Hi HFK

I thought you may find the following link to the BCC tubular breast cancer information helpful:

breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-information/about-breast-cancer/primary-breast-cancer/types-primary-breast-cancer/tubular-breast-cancer

Take care
Lucy BCC

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Hi again

 

I totally agree with you, it’s better to be honest.  I think I want to know my “plan” before telling them.  Only so that they have a shorter amount of time to worry about it.  If it’s keeping me awake at night, I don’t want to do the same to them.  

 

I really don’t remember the last time that I felt such a deep fear, I don’t think I ever have.  Having to work and carry on as normal is so difficult, but at the same time it’s what is keeping me sane.

 

I’m still in denial/shock about it all.  It’s such a surreal feeling.  I’m just not ready to go yet!

 

Thanks for the link to the tubular cancer, Lucy, it very helpful and reassuring.  But I can’t get rid of the nagging doubt that perhaps they’ve under diagnosed.  I guess that’s normal??  

 

This forum is really helpful (and needed), although I’m not sure I’m happy that there are so many of us! Why why why???  

 

H x

 

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Hi, regarding being more aware of your lump, I am sure mine put on a growth spurt after being messed about with.  It was also uncomfortable for the whole 6 weeks from biopsy to surgery. - So I think you are normal!

 

The waiting is so difficult, and even more difficult for you now they have raised more questions. good luck. X

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Hi HFK1234

I know exactly how you feel my mind has taken me to some dark places, but i have had to pull myself back I know it’s not easy but the only way to get through this is to day each day as it comes, try to stop thinking any further on. I have struggling sleeping too, I got some calm/sleepy music on my phone so put ear plugs in and it helps me, maybe try that. Also below is something I am trying to hold onto - putting the glass down. As the last few weeks I have felt paralysed with fear. We will all be ok xx

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed—incapable of doing anything.”

Remember to put the glass down.

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It’s hard putting the glass down, there will be times when you can’t! Found myself cooking dinner earlier and crying, it’s hard. X