Has anyone else noticed a massive change in their personality after BC and treatments? I was diag in Oct 06. Mast them full axillary node clearance, fec chemo, rads now arimidex.
Recently I have decided I can’t live with other half as slightess things he does really annoy me. Have had our rocky times as some of you will know but last week I completely lost control of myself and went crazy.
We frequently disagree and have minor arguments but his attitude towards me can be so offensive and thoughtless I flipped, threw things. Sobbed in a demented fashion. He came and put his arms around me and I hit him! I am so ashamed, this is just not me, and by losing control I know that one day this will be re-visited by him.
I appologised a couple of days later and explained that he was making me so stressed I am terrified my BC will come back. I was mega stressed before 1st diag and feel there is a connection.
Thankfully he agreed that we should look at splitting or trying to give each other more space. I told him he would have to move out. It has taken me quite a long time and lots of failed attempts to get to this point. I hope we have turned a corner and things wont get so bad again, but I must put me and my health first, something most of us find very hard I know.
Don’t know if anyone can shed light on my behaviour but feel good off loading a bit.
Thanks
Irene
Irene sorry for you it must be hard for you. It’s bad enough worrying about the future with regards to bc without struggling to maintain a relationship. I thought you had managed to sort things out with your husband. I think having the diagnosis of bc does change you how can it not do. The realisation that the future isn,t endless and the real fear that we may not live that long makes us decide to make changes. Some people retire or take exotic holidays and perhaps some may decide that plodding on in a relationship is a waste of precious time. I know you have a family and are a doting grandma. How would it mpact on them ? Not their lives I know but it could be hard for you. I have changed. I have always wanted to please everybody, not too bothered now, I am more outspoken and feel justified in spending a bit of money on myself. Did you ever go sailing.? wish I could be more helpful. Take care Eileen
Dear Irene - What a horrid and upsetting time for you. It must be frightening and confusing for you both. Many people get enormous help and support going to Relate. With help, it might be that you can work through this, but even if you do decide to part, it can be really helpful in understanding what has gone wrong and making everything less painful and traumatic than it might otherwise be talking it through with a counsellor. At least if you can keep talking to each other then that is the vital thing, whatever the outcome. I do hope that you can get some help to see you through this time. Please let us know how you get on, and you know that you can always let off steam here in complete safety! By the way, there is no evidence that stress causes breast cancer, and although stress is awful, please don’t think that because you are having this dreadful time it will make your breast cancer come back, the last thing you need is to burden yourself with more negative and frightening thoughts. Good luck. Sarah.
Dear Irene im sorry that things are so bad at home for you, but perhaps the BC has let the real you come out, well thats how i feel anyway, it has made me look at everything in my life and my relationships with everyone, and i certainly dont put up with people who annoy me, which isnt like the old me at all. maybe you need some space on your own to find yourself again, I have tried to explain to my nearest and dearest how this cancer lark has effected me and they really dont get it do they? I feel i have no energy to spend on trivial things and am being constantly told normal life goes on, but i dont feel like that, not yet anyway…
Anna
Dear Irene
I have just read your post and can relate to what you are going through in many ways. I think what having BC does is put into perspective how as Seabird said, precious life is. I think many of us plod on with mediocre marriages, rubbish jobs, shallow friends, rude kids etc etc because we hope that somehow, life will get better all on its own and I suppose, because we are too scared or too tired to instigate change. Its only when something like this happens that you wake up and realise that life is short, whether you have BC or not and not to waste it on things that you can change. We can’t change what happens to the BC, but we can change other things in our life which piss us off. I don’t know you, but I guess your marriage was a bit shaky before BC came along and this crisis has just highlighted the problems. As Seabird says, there is no evidence that stress causes BC, but stress is not good for us generally as it gets in the way. What I have done is sit down when I am not stressed! and work out what exactly is causing me grief and what can be done. If you know sincerely in your heart that your marriage is not good and its not just a reaction to the BC, then start making steps to do something positive. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. The biggest crime would be to waste it.
Good luck
Cathy
xxxxx
Hi Irene,
I,m in a similar position. I fell out of love with my husband about 4 years ago, after a very bad Christmas and because he has a problem with Cannabis, he also wont take a steady job. I still have feelings for him and I enjoy his company and I,m sure that he still loves me and the Kids.
I think a divorce will destroy the kids and because all of his extended family are my neighbours I have decided to coast along for a while.
On my DX last May he was as devastated as me and very supportive. Ive put on a brave face for most of it but if I,ve had a night out with the girls he usually starts an argument when I come in, ( he is very possessive ) have acted with extreme violence towards him also ( kicking and punching, throwing things etc) on these occasions usually fuelled by too many drinks.
Its as if all my anger and frustration comes out if he picks a fight. Also I lost my Mum suddenly last October she had a massive Heart attack at 61 , all of this comes spilling out aswell.
He says he is scared of me and I should go for couselling. What does everyone think ?
Lots of Love Andrea x
Hi Andrea
It sounds like you’re feeling very angry at the moment. If you want to talk to someone in confidence the team on the helpline will be only too happy to talk to you and just be a listening ear if you feel you want to share your fears and concerns feelings. I am sure the feelings you are having are only natural but can understand your worries. BCC are here to support you so please use us if it will help. The helpline is open Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm and Saturdays 9am to 2pm. The number is free phone 0808 800 6000.
Kind regards
Sam
Bcc Facilitator
Hi Andrea - We all hear a lot about domestic violence, often from men directed towards women. However, it is just as bad when it is a woman who is attacking a man and although for some reason people seem not to take it so seriously it is devastating, and dangerous, for both parties. You are very brave to own up to this “extreme violence”, but you cannot let this continue. Please, please get help. You OH has admitted he is frightened of you. You must be frightening yourself. You have admitted to your self you have a problem, you have asked us what we think. Please, please contact a domestic violence helpline and/or your GP as soon as possible before this situation gets worse. Counselling with an organisation like Relate may help you and your partner understand how you have got into this situation, and work out where to go from here. You must get help. You have been through so much already, life must seem an awful mess but there is help available and you do need it. Next time you feel like lashing out, please do it here!!! Please let us know how you get on. Big hug, try to be gentle with yourself and those you love! Sarah x,
I think it is really important to find the space you need to focus on your own healing. A negative relationship can only harm this. I was in a fabulous but impossible relationship for four years, ended Dec 06, after we’d been trying to work out how we might manage to share a home - difficulty with his ex family the biggest issue - and basically he lost his bottle and moved away. I found out lots later on that proved he had another relationship running parallel to me, and had to run from us all - me, his ex and the ‘other’ woman. Looking back, the stress of the last 3 months was immense, I was on the pill (age 50) and he kept saying I should come off it, it would give me BC. Maybe he’d noticed a slight inversion that I didn’t recognise. Jan 07 I came off the pill, put on a stone and a half, by late 2007 I could feel a lump, dx at mammogram Jan 08… funnily my ex husband, separated 10 years ago, is still my best friend and at my side through every appointment, having been through his new partner having lumpectomy, chemo and rads just after they got together! Lyn xx
Hi Irene and all
You poor thing. I can sympathise with you. My husband and I have not got on for many years. We married in 1975 and I left him a year last June. Got myself a flat and enjoyed that time on my own. He was a very possessive man and I was always treading on eggshells. Lived on my nerves for years but plucked up the courage to leave. Then along comes the breast cancer last May. He told me he wanted to look after me. I thought about it and came back to the marital home because we have 2 daughters in their twenties and I felt that it was better for them to come and visit me at the family home. Friends were worried that I was doing the wrong thing and even offered to look after me in their homes.
I moved into my daughters room and am still there. At first things were okay and he did look after me very well but now I am getting better things are deteriorating again and I would love to me on my own. I can’t do it financially as when I was in my flat it took most of my wages so therefore I run up credit card bills. I do feel beholden to him and feel should make a go of it but the nasty, shouting, possessive man has come back.
What a mess.
Love to you all
Liz xx
Hi Lizzie, I can identify with the walking on eggshells bit. I work with women mostly but I have told my husband that the handful of men at work are gay, otherwise I wouldnt be able to pass the time of day with them at the coffee machine. He even wasnt happy that I was talking about my menopausal symptoms with my male GP.
Best of luck to you
love Andrea xx
Gosh Andrea !! Why are they like this?? I worked at a doctors for 10 years and he hated me going out on a night out because "he didn’t trust the doctors " !!!
I too have hit out a couple of times and usually fuelled by drink. I suppose thats because I try and keep my head when sober.
What a mess we are all in. We went to Relate a few years ago - I arranged it so that hopefully he would see what he was like. They certainly had him measured up in a few minutes when they asked me what the problem was and I said it’s the way he treats me, the way he looks at me with distate, shouting etc etc. They asked him and he said the cats and money !!! it did actually make him realise what he was like and did change a bit but not enough and then went backwards.
Irene - please let us know how you are xx
We all have enough to cope with never mind putting up with all this stress. When I was bad on my chemo he told me to pack my bags and go live somewhere else.
Liz xx
Hey Liz
Maybe me , you and Irene should get a flat together. Leave our Husbands to it. If it wasnt for my kids I would have left him years ago.
I feel guilty about calling him as hes been lovely for a few days, he has a bit of work on and money in his pocket.
Bound to be back to his grumpy irritating self in a few days.
Andrea x
Oh girls, what crazy lives we lead! Andrea, I so understand your last sentence. I get all worked up and look for a flat, get one, then he is suddenly nice again and I think why go through all the trauma of moving and managing on less money when we may get back together again later anyway.
I am so mixed up. We are definately getting along better but for how long.
Seabird, my GP, oncologist, surgeon and articles I’ve read, all say stress lowers your body’s immunity to disease and so I am affraid I have to disagree with your statement.
Also, if the only thing giving me real stress is my husband, then I think that’s really sad. He should be my rock and my support as I have been for him through his many past (though none as serious as BC, illnesses and injuries, he’s a joiner and was a rock climber).
I was very lucky to have insurance that paid off my mortgage when I was diagnosed. My sister pointed out to me that his life has improved since I was ill. He didn’t work for a year by choice, living off our savings and my income (sick pay). He now has a cushy job he loves but the pay is rubbish. Before my BC he had to earn a certain amount to help pay the mortgage etc. For this reason I have realised that if we do split, he will have to move out not me, I’ve been through enough in the last 18 mths to last a life time!
Eillen 765, hi, hope your ok. Yes I got sailing a couple of times and loved it. Hoping to go again this summer. The weather was terrible in the autumn. Grand kids are lovely, they keep me sain, though it’s hard to see all my kids struggling to make ends meet in this tax laiden country we live in. Don’t get me started on that one though!
Irene
What doesnt kill you makes you stronger xx
Thinking of you hun.
I wont share too much personal stuff on here but you know i am only a phone call away, havent chatted for ages.
Rx