Wasn’t sure where to post this…but here goes. Haven’t posted on the forum for a while but have often read other postings. I was diagnosed with Grade 3 invasive in May 2004 and on the Tango Trial, EC then Taxol and Gemcetabine. Had 4 out of 12 lymph nodes involved. I have no recurrence… I have a couple of friends who had a similar diagnosis and also both on the Trial and we met having chemo. We have always kept in touch mainly by texts, always through any scares and through scans and mammos.
A couple of months ago, my friend told me she had fallen and hurt her leg and they told her it was ligaments. We texted a few times and in Aug I asked how her leg was and she said gettin better. Anyway, two nights ago I texted her again and she didnt reply and the next morning her mum sent me a text saying she has only weeks to live. I was devastated, it was such a shock and surprise. I rang and spoke to her mum who said that the cancer had returned in her leg and then they found it in spine, lungs and liver and she has lumps on her head. She is paralysed from the waist down, she had two chemos with no effect and was then put on palliative care. Her mum took her home to look after her. She will not see or speak to anybody apart from her mum and dad and near family.
I just dont know what to do…I have spoken to the other friend and she is the same as me, I had to tell her what was happening. I respect the wishes of my friend who is so ill, but feel so desperate. It has all happened in 10 weeks, how can this be? There are so many treatments and so much help, I never thought that now people like us could go from NED to a couple of weeks to live in such a short period. I feel like I’m in a trance, I can’t see my friend who has shared this horrendous journey with me for so long and I have no-one else who understood things like she does. I cannot even begin to imagine how she is feeling. I guess she wanted to spare me for as long as possible, but not to be able to help each other is soul-destroying.
I dont know if I have explained things very well, or if you can understand. I miss my friend so much. I dont know where else to turn to let some of this pain out. I’m sorry if this upsets people but I feel like I’m going mad. I want to shout and scream at the unfairness of it all. I cant say too much to her mum as she is in so much pain too.
Oh wisps ,what a sad story.I understand why you feel helpless but its difficult when she doesn’t want to see anyone.
I can’t offer any wise words just a big hug!
Its a difficult thing to do but could you write a letter to her.I have no idea what you could put but you know her and maybe could put something about the support you all gave each other, and just that you are thinking of her.
Its very hard to see someone with a similar diagnosis take a different path and so quickly too.Can you phone the helpline just to vent your anger at someone who understands?
And please do not worry about upsetting us ,we are all there for each other,and you are not going mad!
I would definitely write a letter and say you would like to visit her (if you do). Maybe she feels she can’t stand anyone seeing her the way she is now, or maybe she just doesn’t have the energy. It’s very upsetting but I remember being called in once to see a manager at work to be told not to go and visit a friend of mine who had been diagnosed with a brain tumour, his family felt he couldn’t deal with visitors. I had to respect that although I really was sad I couldn’t go.
Hi Wisps, I agree with the suggestion of a letter. Like your friend I too have secondaries. I’ve been lucky, so far, with various treatments but I’ve also made friends with others in the same boat who sadly died very quickly. I had a very close friend who shared the same onc, the same treatments as me, she lived in the next street and also chose to spend her last days with only her close family by her side. I miss her terribly but I’m sure one day I will make the same decision.
When someone is close to dying they often want to see very few people, it’s part of the process (for some) of coming to terms with dying and leaving their family and friends behind. I do hope your friend is as pain free as is possible…Take Care…x
I also think a letter is a good idea. I know it’s not the same thing, but when I was first diagnosed 2 years ago, there were 2 friends of mines down in London that I just couldn’t bear to ring as it would have been too emotional and difficult. I wrote letters to both of them and we corresponded back and forth all the way through my treatment. I found getting letters very uplifting.Every time one dropped through the letterbox I couldn’t wait to open it.
So sorry to hear about your friend and how traumatic for you.
One of the hard things about the support and love we can give each other living with breast cancer is coping when someone we know dies or is dying of this disease.
I also think a letter is a good idea but not one which makes any demands. Tell her what she means to you…thank her for what she has given to you. And maybe end by saying ‘no need to reply’. Don’t ask to see her…that feels a burden to me…but keep your letter open so she can ask anything of you if she wants to.
A few years ago I discovered by chance that a woman I had been friends with 10 years previously was dying of cancer. (someone I’d met through work and then mainatianed a friendship for a year or two before we drifted off) I wrote a letter to her in a hospice just telling her some good things about the short time we had known each other. She died a couple of days after the letter would have arrived. I never knew if she read it, or if someone read it to her or read it after her detah or…or…but it didn’t matter…itt helped me and was the right thing to do.
I too think the idea of a letter is a good one. Maybe a further insight - I have just lost a friend very suddenly to this wretched disease. I was able to spend a lot of time during her last few days with her but one of her main concerns was that ‘it would pull me down’. I reassured her I was there for her as much as she needed me. She felt that she couldnt share with friends who did not have secondaries because she felt it was too frightening for them, yet felt she could talk to me because i had secondaries for some time. That is why I agree with the others that the letter would be good and I would be tempted to say that if she needed me she only had to say.
Thank you all so much for your support. It has really helped me. I too had the idea of a letter but wondered whether she would even read it. Well, today I shall write and send it. I really want her to know how much she means to me and what a good friend and support she has always been through many difficult times. Hopefully I have also helped her too - I just wish I could be there for her now. Yes I guess it would frighten me in some ways, seeing her but I believe I could overcome my fears for her sake. Anyway, I will write from the heart and just maybe she will take a little comfort from it. I am very concerned too for her mum, who I also met at chemo, she is a lovely person and my friend is in the best place with her care and love.
Thank you for taking the time to understand how I feel and why, there is no-one else who can…
I will let you know if I hear back from my friend.
It is difficult to write something that isn’t doom ridden, she might appreciate a little light relief about things that are happening outside her situation as well as some kind words of appreciation. Good luck it won’t be easy to write but if you write from the heart you can’t go far wrong
Well wrote my letter and sent it. Heard nothing until today when my friend’s mum told me that she passed away last night and that she was so brave. Can’t believe she has gone and so quickly, but if she was suffering then now she is at peace. Thanks to you all for your support. Am waiting to find out when the funeral is. Dont even know if she read my letter, but it’s not important now.
On behalf of the moderation team at Breast Cancer Care please accept our sincere condolences to you and your dear friend’s family. Our thoughts are with you all.
If you feel you need to speak to someone in confidence at this sad time, please don’t hesitate to contact the helpline, the staff are here for you. 0808 800 6000
I am sure she read your letter Wisps. Its such a shock when someone close to you dies so quickly. I am so sorry but as you said if she was in pain and frightened hopefully she is at peace now. As Jane said I am sure the letter helped you and her. Often people don’t want to see others when very ill but its such a good idea to write a letter.
Sue x