Losing my head as well as my hair

Well, it is happening, my hair is coming out, not in clumps but enough to make me notice. I thought I would be ok - few tears and then move on - WRONG!! I am sobbing and can’t stop, why me?? I knew this would happen so why has it hit me so hard. I had my hair cut short last week in anticipation, I love the new style although I know I won’t have it long enough to enjoy.
I hate my wigs and don’t want to wear them - I have lots of bandanas but think - why should I? Its not fair. I keep thinking the worse is over , the tumour is gone so why I am so devastated about this. I can’t stop crying, then feel bad because there are so many of you out there being brave and I feel pathetic. Sorry to go on but this is the only place I can let my guard down, I feel like I am going mad.
Sorry to go on. thanks for listening, I need to go and lie down for a while, this ranting and raving has left me knackered,
thanks for being there, sorry for being selfish, I am thinking of you all and sending lol,
Tracy xxx

Hiya Tracy,

I’m so sorry you are feeling so sh*t right now! I think I can safely say that I totally understand where you are coming from as I was devastated when I lost my hair. Like you, I knew it was coming, and I’d even got my boyfriend to shave it off for me too!! So, it wasn’t like I had a lot left to worry about. Or so I thought!!!

The day it finally came out, which was 2 days after my 2nd Epi, I cried ALL day!!! It may sound dramatic but I just couldn’t stop myself. For me it felt like I was losing my whole identity. Also, it was a visible sign, to the outside world, that I was ‘ill’. Before I lost my hair, despite the mastectomy scar and everything else I never really felt I actually ‘looked’ ill. Once my hair had gone it was like I’d had ‘cancer patient’ stamped on my forehead.

I absolutely could not even bear to look at myself in the mirror that first ‘bald’ day. It was my boyfriend’s birthday and I felt terrible crying on his day but I just couldn’t stop myself. Nothing truly prepared me for how gutted I was to feel about losing my hair.

HOWEVER, I can honestly say that I got used to my ‘new look’ very very quickly!!! The tears soon stopped and I started revelling in the fact that it no longer took a wealth of expensive hair products and electrical appliances to get me ready for the day!! Where I’d previously spent a fortune on my ‘do’, I started spending a fortune on make-up and skin care products instead. The girls at my local Clinique counter love me!!! You will honestly be amazed at how quickly you will come to terms with the hair loss, trust me!

I’m now half way through CMF and my hair is now growing back, slowly but surely. So, all told, I won’t have actually been bald for that long. Before I know it I’ll prob have forgotten what it was like to be hairless!

You are certainly NOT pathetic Tracy, so get those thoughts right out of your head! This is a tough time right now, and you’re right to feel sad. I promise this feeling won’t last though,

Take care mate,

Kelly
-x-

Hi Tracy,

I am so sorry your feelin like cr*p! However I know that when it happens to me quite soon (if the cold cap doesnt work) Im gonna me sooooo upset. You have every right to feel this way so dont beat yourself up about asking the Why Me questions, god knows I do all the time.

I just hope that you start to feel a little better soon hun.

Take Good Care

Love Lynne.x

Hi Tracy

Sorry you are feeling cr*p. I am sitting here thinking how will I be. I am trying to be strong about it, and have everything waiting for when it does, but am really truly dreading my hair falling out and I know that I WILL be crying on and off. Not sure how I will cope with it, but like Kelly says above, we will cope and we will get use to it. I am terrified that I will look like an alien … and how my kids and hubby will feel. But as have no choice, not much can do but try and be strong.

Am thinking about you and hope you start to feel better soon. Don’t beat yourself up too much and remember we can all get through this.

Take care
Love
Dawn
x

Hi Tracey
My thoughts are with you!
I am also dreading that stage - it has only been 12 days since 1st chemo & every morning I wake up in dread.
I am sending you a big cyber hug and I hope you are feeling a little better soon.

TC
Mel
x

Hi Tracey
no need to apologise for anything on this site - its here to rant and rave and let off steam and to allow others to help you get through this

I’ve been a baldie for 4 months and it is something you do get used to - i’m not happy about it but I accept it and get on with it. have you thought about shaving it off as I found the hardest part was watching the clumps fall out, after shaving I did feel better as it was done - one good cry instead of crying each day you lose more

Hi Tracy

Be assured that I cried like a baby when my hair was coming out, it was the first time I cried over any of this. It only took 16 days to shed the most.

It’s horrible, just an awful thing to go through on top of everything else so you’re entitled to be upset.

As everyone else says you get used to it, I have days when I get sick to death of wearing a wig but in all honesty it’s so much quicker to get ready in the morning, no fiddling with hair, just stick it on and go! No bikini waxes either. : )

Cecelia. x

Tracey hi

I am probably just slightly ahead of you in the ‘hair falling out steaks’!! I had my 1st chemo 3 weeks ago, used the cold cap and it hastnt worked. Most of the top of my head is now bald and the sides and whats left is thinning by the day. I am biting the bullet and my other half is coming round in the next couple of hours to get rid of the rest of it. I am fed up taking absolute handfuls off the bed and out of my comb etc every day to the time has come. I am going to have a couple of voddies before he comes - not that it will make much difference - I still anticipate I will cry like a baby. I am very emotional at the moment anyway with all this bc stuff and the fact that my mum is in hospital and we were told today that her brain will slowly (or quickly degenerate) - she is always crying when we go into visit as she just feels abandoned and does not remember that we visit. Its horrible leaving your mum llike that and I dread visiting . I feel awful saying it but getting my 2nd dose chemo 2moz and if I feel anything like last time I wont be able to visit for a week or so (feel guilty about that too tho).

Anyway, enough winging - time for a voddy I think
Sending hugs to all of you
Fiona
xxx

Tracy,
You are not being selfish - and what you are experiencing now sounds very similar to my own situation. My hair started falling out BIG TIME 3 weeks after my 1st chemo - I just did not know what to do with all of it, had no idea that I had sooooo much hair on my head. I tried to stash it in all sorts of places - down the loo, down the sink, in the bin, under my pillow and tired myself out with the hoover trying to ‘hide the evidence’, it hit me hard even tho’ I had been so sure that it would not bother me that much and told all my friends/family that I was ready for it. I WAS NOT!!! I felt like a dry old christmas tree where the pine needles drop in a heap when someone bangs the door. I was convinced that one strong gust of wind would do for me completely in the hair Dept! Bandanas - don’t get me started - my daughter, normally so patient, despaired of showing me how one is supposed to be worn and here was me thinking the ‘Kylie’ look would be so easy to adapt to. I cried and cried! Now, 2 weeks on and having done chemo no. 2, I am coping much better and can actually look in the mirror again without cringeing. Just hang in and wait for the storm to pass once again - it will, I promise you.

Anoush XXXX

Tracey

Firstly, please don’t apologise - we’ve all had our rants on here, and we’re all here to support each other. I’m so sorry you feel so cr*p at the moment, and its all very well me saying it’ll pass and you’ll soon get used to it, but I promise you will.

I’d just had my hair cut into a pob (posh bob!) and highlighted, when I was diagnosed. I was gutted, I loved my hair and was devastated at the thought of losing it. It started coming out after my second chemo, and I remember sitting in front of the mirror with a bin in front of me and hacking away at it with the scissors, whilst sobbing my heart out. When my husband came home from work, he convinced me that now was the time to shave it off - which he did for me - and we both cried. I can totally relate to what Kelly says about you feel you have “cancer patient” stamped on your head. I was very cruel to myself initially and couldnt pass a mirror without saying “Hello Freak”.

It took a few days but I did eventually get used to it and the tears stopped. I did buy a wig but never wore it, instead I went for bandanas. (I got mine from the bandanashop online). I am now more than used to being a “baldie”, showers are so quick these days, no hair to wash and no legs/armpits etc to shave, and I can even laugh at myself now.

Tracey the way you feel at the moment is perfectly normal - please don’t be too hard on yourself. I know its a sh* time for you at the moment, but it will get better I promise you.

Sending you lots of love and a big hug

Julie xx

Dear Tracy

I am sorry to read that you are feeling so low at the moment, I can see that you have had wonderful support from your fellow users, in addition, please feel free to contact our helpline if you feel that it would help to talk to one of our specialist nurses who can provide further support and a ‘listening ear’. The number is 0808 800 6000 and it is open Monday -Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm.

Kind regards

Sam
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

I had a mastectomy iin December, and started EPI/CMF chemo in Feb just finished in July. I hated when my hair fell out, and I hated the wigs, just wore hats and caps. My hair is growong back great, even theough it is 2 shades of grey and a little bit wavy.I love it short it is so easy to keep just wash it and rub it with the towel, brilliant for my holiday in Portugal next week.I know what it feels like when it is falling out, very upsetting. I felt ugly and lacked confidence, but I must say I feel a lot better now. Lots of Love and hang in their 159

Good morning everyone,
Thank you so much for your support - I don’t know where I would be without it. Today is another day - my hair is still coming out but as I read all your messages I actually feel myself getting stronger. Thank you all so much for being there.
It feels strange to be the one needing support as normally I am the strong one around my friends and family, constantly reassuring them that it is going to be ok. Maybe I need to be more honest with them as they think ‘I am so strong’ and ‘coping well’. The problem is that (and please let me know if this is for you as well), you don’t want to be constantly down and crying with them as I worry they will get fed up (I am sure they won’t). I don’t want them to think ‘oh god, if we go and see her she just be crying’. I am being unfair as I am surrounded by amazing friends and my husband is amazing, I couldn’t ask for more. The friends I have made on here are priceless - so again, thanks!! Enough of the sloppy stuff, I have just put mascara on (yes, I am now part of the make-up wearing world, wasn’t before)!!! Don’t want it running down my face.

Sending lots and lots of love to ALL of you,
Tracy xxxx

Hiya Tracy,

I know what you mean about wondering whether people will get fed up with you being down and stuff. I only ever cry in front of my boyfriend, and even then sometimes I’m wondering if he’s thinkin ‘enough already, you’re taking the p*ss now’!!! Thats just daft though as I know he would never think that.

I am glad that you are feeling stronger today, hopefully this will continue with each day that goes by. Like you, I have now become a regular make-up wearer whereas I never was before! Mind you, I tried to put some mascara on earlier, having left it off for a couple of weeks as my eyelashes had all but vanished. Well, it turns out that although they are now growing back they’re still nowhere near long enough for mascara! So, I must’ve looked a right idiot, wandering round with mascara on my stumps!!! So, got myself some bath bombs from ‘lush’ and a new lippy to cheer myself up. The girls in ‘lush’ were lovely, although I was a little puzzled when they started telling me about all their lovely new hair products. I thought ‘are you taking the p*ss??’. I had my head scarf on!!! Bless 'em, I think they realised their gaff pretty quickly and were quite embarrassed as they gave me some freebies!

Anyway, take care of yourself mate and keep in touch,

Kelly
-x-

Hi Tracy

Can relate to your last post, as went on a mega downer last night, and ended up crying heaps. I feel that I can’t break down in front of friends and family as been so strong, and that they all think I am ok, as look ok and still have full head of hair. I hate trying to stay strong in front of people all the time and feel like screaming and shouting my head off. Still no hair falling out as yet, so started worrying my chemo not working … ohh how the brain works sometimes.

Anyway, not too bad today, but still feeling a bit grumpy and down, but hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Take care everyone.

Love
Dawn
x

Hi All
Wanted to add my pennys worth. I am 39 and I think losing the hair wa the worst part so far for me. Up until then I could ‘hide’ my boob and tummy scars from operation but the hair loss is so much a big 'I’ve got Cancer ’ sign. I have the wig - which is fine and looks ok but boy does it itch - got the hats , but not really a hat girl and bandanas are comfy but a bit ‘hippy’ no offence to anyone so the hair really is the pits. Mine is worse than awful looking - like a witch . My ever honest 8 year old even says ‘no offence mum but you look ugly with no hair’ my 11 year is a little more diplomatic ‘you’re still the same person’ but whatever way you look at it my bald barnet is not a pretty sight.

On the postive side I remind myself that this is a sign the chemo is doing exactly what it should be doing and hopefully saving my life so I will put up with it. My hairdresser reminds me of the fantastic opportunity - who else gets to try a brand new style starting from scratch - yeah right - I wasn’t convincved either!!

Keep you chin up ladies and remember we can spend a fortune on hair dos this time next year!!

MuddyXX

Hi Tracy

So good to hear you are feeling stronger today. Don’t worry about crying - I remember doing it solidly for a whole week and convinced my husband must be so pi**ed off that he would leave me ! Both he and my friends have been absolutely amazing though, and I don;t know where I would be without them - although even now I keep apologising for being ill ! Stupid really.

As I said before, it does get better and before long you’ll feel more positive and the tears will be much less often - promise !

Take care

Love Julie xx

Morning ladies,
Thank you again for your replies,
Kelly - I have just posted a reply on your thread from Thistle, you really are a good support and friend, thank you honey.
I am off into town on Friday to buy some more bandanas as I think the wig thing is not going to happen, I don’t know, we will see.
Dawn - I am glad I am not the only one to rant and rave, hope you felt better. I had a bottle of wine but unfortunately that now makes me feel sad in the morning (must be turning into an alcoholic)!!!

I find I am sleeping more through the day which surprised me but I suppose the body is responding to the chemo by shutting down. My 11 yr old keeps saying ‘are you ok mum?’, he is a bit worried but I tell him that this is how we know it is working.

It will all be worth it in the end I keep telling myself. So, again thanks ladies and anytime I can be of any help - please shout, you know where I am,
sending you all lots and lots of love, Tracy xx

Hiya Tracy,

you’re absolutely right you know, it WILL all be worth it in the end! Just hang on in there. Tell you what, muddy hit the nail on the head about the whole hair loss thing. I was only saying to my boyfriend yesterday how ‘lucky’ I am to be able to start from scratch all over again, with lovely new baby soft hair that hasn’t been coloured or permed to within an inch of its life!! I’ve already started collecting pics of trendy short styles in anticipation of the day I can smugly walk into my hairdressers and book an appt!!! My OH reckons my hair has grown so much already that I’m gonna start needing to use products on it soon to tame it! Bless him, I think he’s just being nice though!!

I hope your bandana shopping goes well on Friday. We are off to stay with my family in Kent this weekend and I can’t wait. We haven’t been down there since I was diagnosed so it will prob be a bit weird. Really hoping I am feeling good, got my usual upset belly at the mo. Gonna be sure to have a good few drinks, I haven’t had more than a couple at a time since I started chemo and I’ve always enjoyed a good drink.

Are you remembering to put your travel claims in on JPA? My OH has been putting mine in for me. As I’ve now lost my ‘home to duty’ money I’m glad of the extra cash!

Take care and keep in touch,

Kelly
-x-

Hi everyone !

I had my first chemo 3 weeks ago and my 2nd today. Exactly 14 days after the first my hair started to come out. I was sat here on my own and gave it a tug and there is was a handful. I just wept my heart out. People don’t see the mastectomy and scars but your hair is such a personal thing. I have always looked after my appearance, especially my hair. Never went out without mascara so losing the eyelashes will be hard too. Another week on an my hair thinning very fast. I hoover the bed every morning and leave a trail of hair behind. So it’s time to shave it off.

My daughter wants to shave my head which I think will be a good thing and I am hoping what I have will last until Sunday as my other daughter (daughters aged 20 and 23) will be home and they can do it together. I know there will be lots of tears but I am sure will bring us closer having experienced it together. I have a wig but don’t think I shall wear it all the time. I have a few scarves and hope to find how to tie them. Anybody got any websites where they give you ideas?

I think I have been very positive with all this but do have days when I cry. I still have my sense of humour which does help and everybody tells me how brave I am and I feel that I am. I had a routine mammogram (I am 52) in March and was not called back for follow-up until 3rd May. I phoned up after 4 weeks because I hadn’t had any results and was told they were short of consultants to read the scans !! As it was the tumour was half the size of my breast and feel angry that I wasn’t recalled before. Then I look at it the other way - if this mammogram hadn’t been done until next year I do think it would have been too late. It was very flat and I really couldn’t feel it.

Brenda x