Lost

Hi there, Just recently signed up to breast cancer care website and enjoyed reading all the different discussions.
Im just 18 so still young.

Thing that is bothering me at the moment is, i recently lost my mum to breast cancer/ovarian cancer in Aug.
My mum elaine, was told she had breast cancer last may, she went through with chemo and finished the chemo in March this year. To celebrate her finishing the chemo we went off to america for 3 weeks (not knowing that it was going to be our last family holiday) When we came home in june mum was rushed into hospital after having alot of pain in her back and not eating at all.
After spending a week or so in hospital getting tests etc … the found out that mum had cancer in the ovaries and it was TOO LATE to do anything … she then got 4-6 months. She then decided to come to beat this (as she would say) I then left my studies to look after my mum. It all came to fast … 10 weeks after being told she only had 4-6 months … Mum peacfully passed away.
(if mum was here she would tell the story so much better)

And now im thinking did the chemo do anything??

Also this now im feeling as if my friends etc is just not asking me “how im doing” dont really mention the subject of my mum or anything. As its christmas around the cornor think they have forgotten its going to be my 1st christmas without my mum.

Mummy diaries is such a wonderful program, iv cried at the last two programs. I just wish we had more time with my mum to make a memory box, memory cards and a letter. Really good program to show people that things like this does happen.

Hope there is someone out there to just have a chat etc

Amiee

Aimee

I am a lot older than you at 39 and going through bc just now and have a 14 year old daughter. Without sounding patronising my heart goes out to you and I am so sorry at the loss of your mum. It must have been all such a shock to you.

I’m glad you managed to have that last holiday together without knowing it would be your last one cos I am sure you all made the most of it anyway.

dont know what to say about your friends - if they are all your age group - they maybe just feel uncomfortable about the risk of upsetting you - but maybe you just need to say that you still need to talk about your mum and want them to do the same?

As you say mummy diaries is such a wonderful programme - and I am sure none of us that watch it has a dry eye - I find it particularly upsetting with the teenage kids because of the age of my own daughter.

There is nothing I can say to comfort you apart from the fact that I am thinking about you loads and hope you have the support you need from other family and friends. You have the memories of your mum and by the sounds of it you had a lovely relationship and I am sure she knew what a fantastic daughter she had.

Hope others can give you support
Lots of love and hugs
Fiona
xx

Dear Amiee

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and that the time you had with your Mum after her diagnosis was so short. As Fiona has said your friends probably don’t really know what to say to you, but don’t be afraid to tell them you do want to talk about your Mum. I have BC now and I also lost my Mum to breast cancer, exactly a month before Christmas 20 years ago. It still hurts but with time, things do gradually get better. I am sure that you have some wonderful memories.

I hope so much that you have family around you to comfort you. I wish there was more that I could do to help.

With very best wishes
Anne

Aimee,

Fiona has said all that I would have said. I am even older than Fiona and therefore much older than you, I am 47, with two sons - age 13 and 15. You have been through, and are still going through such a difficult time - your friends , I think, must not know how to help you through this. If you have the strength, then maybe you should say that you would like to talk about your Mum. I’m sure that onec they have this signal from you, then they will know how to help.
Aimee, truly I know there is nothing that will take away your pain - but keep talking to us; we will listen and try to help you through this
Janeyb
x

Dear Aimee

If you want to talk through how you are feeling please feel free to call our confidential helpline for a chat with one of our helpliners, the team are breast care nurses and people who have had experience of breast cancer themselves and will be able to offer you support and a ‘listening ear’.

The helpline is on 0808 800 6000 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.

Kind regards
Lucy
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

Dear Aimee

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness. A friend told me once that grief is the price we pay for loving someone. no one can take away your pain and hurt but let people help you bear it. if you are only 18 i guess most of your friends are around that age and have probably had little experience of bereavement. They are no doubt scared of how you will react if they talk about it. If you are strong enough to broach the subject with them they may follow on. I hope at christmas you will be surrounded by people who love you. It does not have to be the big celebration it perhaps used to be just try and spend time with those who love you

Be strong and take care
Hilary

Hi Amiee

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I too am much older than you, in fact I have sons and daughters of a similar age group. I agree with what the other ladies have said and I hope you can find some comfort in their words.

I notice you asked ‘if the chemo did anything?’

To answer this can you say if you mean ‘did the cancer help slow things down?’ or Did the cancer harm my mum?

Perhaps if I give you my thoughts on cancer which others may agree with or disagree.

Chemotherapy attacks and damages all cells to stop them reproducing so where as cancer cells can be stopped from reproducing, good healthy cells are damaged too. This can cause a low blood cell count which leaves us vulnerable to infection. This is all treatable but not everyone likes chemo.

I personally have taken chemo in the hope it will destroy the cancer, it didn’t work the first time but I am about to start a new chemo regime. I have a good chance of a longer life span with treatment

Sometimes chemo is given knowing it will not cure people it just slows the progression of the disease and gives people a future, but the length of time is usually unknown.

I think your mum would have been told this and the fact she was willing to give it a go shows that she was a fighter and believe me this would have helped her too.
So I think the answer is yes the chemo helped.

Please use this site for as long as you need we are all here to support and don’t worry, no question is too silly or too personal, someone will always reply.

Take care
Carol

thank u all so much for ur help!

xx

Hi Amiee

I have recently joined this forum and am so sorry to hear of your loss.

I have recently lost my mum to cancer. I am 28, which to me seems such a young age to lose my mum ,I can’t imagine what it must be like for you.

It was a bit different for me as my mum had cancer for several years: she was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000, had the all clear for about 4 years and then she got bone cancer. For the last year she was constantly in hospital and her health gradually deterriorated. In the end the doctors said she did not have long to live and there was very little they could do for her, although by that stage she had decided she could not put herself through any more treatment as she had been through so much already.

For the last month or so she was in a hospice where they made sure she was in as little pain as possible. She died there on the 21st October.

I know exactly what you mean when you say your friends find it heard to talk about it with you. My friends don’t really talk about it with me and it’s upsetting when I hear people talking about their mums as I know my mum is not here anymore and I will never see her again. I think that is the hardest thing to come to terms with. I am getting married next year and although I am very excited I know it is going to be very tough emotionally as mum won’t be there.

Although it is horrible what you are going through believe me if you can cope with this you can cope with anything. In the past year as well as losing my mum my 29 year old fiance has been diagnosed with bowell cancer. He has been through his treatment etc and is expected to make a full recovery. It may sound a cliche but going though this sort of experience does make you appreciate life and want to live each day to the full. I have entered to do the Moonwalk next year (where you walk the London Marathon at night wearing a bra to raise money for Breast Cancer) and my ambition the year after is to run the marathon.

Although it has been devestating losing my mum, I am trying to get on with life as I know she would not want me to be sad all the time. Allthough I miss her so much I know I will always have memories of her and the time we spent together and am sure you will have special memories of being with your mum too.

Take care

Lisa x

oh Aimee,
what can i say - nothing, just send you hugs. It’s always hard losing your Mum, but to lose her when you still need her so much is very hard for you. It will get better, the hurting will ease, but you will always miss your Mum. You will never forget her though and as time goes on the memories of the pain will fade and you’ll remember more the funny things she said or did. You’ll remember how she looked when you got your GCSE results, and how she used to laugh. You’ll talk about her as you always did because, in your memories she is very much still around.
Friends often find it hard to know what to say, so they don’t say anything at all. Sometimes you’ll see people turn around and walk away - it isn’t that they don’t care, it’s that they really don’t know what to say at all.
Christmas will be hard, every “first” after someone you love dies is hard. But there will be happy times, even this year! You and your family are going to have to work out how you’re going to deal with family traditions etc. Some like to do everything differently, some like to keep it all the same - it is what suits your family that counts.
It isn’t too late to build a memory box. You can put in special photos, last year’s birthday card, a note she wrote … and you can make a book of your memories, and memories from friends and family. They can write down stories of when she was a little girl, or from when you were a baby! And you can keep them all special, in a box.
Hope this helps
love and hugs
Ruth
x x x x