Lucky to be alive?!!!

I have read many posts during the past however many months it’s been since diagnosis, drawing a great deal of support from you all - BUT - I am now in a very dark place. Active treatment finished in July, and people expect me to be as I was, strong, in control, sensible and active. I am currently sitting in a darkened room playing computer games to shut my head up. My life that has been “given back” to me is shrinking daily. It starts with the image of a missing boob and the pain from it, followed by deciding what to wear that won’t hurt me or hang off me  due to lost weight, then it comes to dealing with the wayward eyebrows, f***ing hair that won’t conform and culminates in getting back into dressing gown and refusing to go out. And if my stupid mother says “I wish I had curly hair like that” again I may very well choke her. I AM NOT GRATEFUL. I have been given my life back (for now) for what? To spend the rest of my days in abject misery to please everyone else???

Am sending you massive hugs MrsAngry, this is one so**ing cruel vile disease which takes away so much from  us all, I too have had moments when I have felt like you so you are not alone, and if one more person tells me to be positive or well that I’m still here I will bl**dy well smack them, nobody understands what its like to go through breast cancer and its horrendous treatments unless they have been there themselves, and noone understands the emotional turmoil it all leaves behind, am so sorry your feeling so low, there is probably nothing I can say that will makes you feel better right now, its seems like a rollercoaster that you cannot get off at times , just be kind to you , and try and take each day at a time then it all doesnt seem so overwhelming   take good care of you, and keep coming onto the forums to offload when you need to for get some much needed support.

 

Best wishes to you 

L x

 

 

Dear MrsAngry
Welcome to the BCC forums where I am sure you will continue to find lots of support and an understanding of your feelings, please also feel free to call our helpliners for a listening ear, practical and emotional support, lines open 9-5 weekdays and 10-2 Saturdays on 0808 800 6000

You may find the BCC ‘Moving forward’ information and support of interest, here’s the link:

breastcancercare.org.uk/moving-forward

Take care
Lucy BCC

<Empty imported post>

Thank you all ladies for your kind words of encouragement. I don’t like this pathetic creature I see right now, but I do know I’m entitled to be angry, so I suppose there’s still some trace of spark there somewhere. After WLE came a fall downstairs resulting in a punctured lung, chemo while that healed resulting in blood clots on the other lung with 11 months of daily Heparin injections, hospitalised for chest infection, mastectomy, rads, triple neg so no more for me, then my dad died and my sister behaved like a total **bleep**, causing arguments between me and my mother - it’s been a while since I felt anything other than a victim and out of control.  It’s impossible to get across how wretched I feel when I look ok to everyone else, and they don’t want to hear it anyway.  Forgot to mention:  Before I got myself to the doctor with the lump, my daughter’s husband walked out on her and 3 children, leaving them having just moved house and with no cooker or TV 2 weeks before Christmas, and I was immersed in sorting out both hers and my mother’s problems as dad was in the later stages of Alzheimer’s, whilst my dear sister was in her retreat in France for several weeks, and THAT is probably the reason I ended up having such aggressive treatment, neglecting myself but still looking after my parent’s affairs both before going to the GP and throughout treatment.

Mrs Angry - you are strong because you CAN articulate your feelings and understand what a battering you have taken. This may help - when we are diagnosed, I think we focus all our energy on the treatment we are having, then when it ends, the adrenalin plummets and we don’t know what/how to cope with the next bit. and of course we are all different, with different tolerances, different reactions, different support systems etc etc.

So you are NOT a wimp, you are on your own specific route and YOU ARE PERFECTLY ENTITLED TO BE. You have to follow your own instincts, otherwise some emotion could pop up years later and poke you in the eye. I repeat - you are fully entitled to deal with the whole BC scenario in the way that is right for you.

And as for families/friends, it is NOT your job to please them, it’s up to them to help you - so ask for help in clear terms in a calm manner which demonstrates that you expect them to actually DO something! Someone once said (Oprah Winfrey?? Judge Judy??) caring and loving are not just words , they are ways of behaving…

And get to your GP or clinic, in case some medication could provide temporary help…

much love and big hugs

grumpy

WOW!  So glad I plucked up the courage to post, and what a relief to be finally understood. You amazing ladies are of course saying things that I know make a lot of sense, but it’s been so hard to cut through the misery and see it for myself. I am not a patient person and expect to be able to move forward, so perhaps I will consider medication for a while just to clear my head. I also probably need to practise saying “no”, but it’s very hard on me emotionally to do that so I end up feeling guilty for not doing what I feel I should.  In the meantime, my mother can go and get a perm if she wants curly hair like mine!

Wish I’d read these posts before I started a new thread. I too am feeling the after effects of treatment where my body has healed but my head is only just coming to terms with the new person I have become. My mood swings are shocking I actually don’t recognise myself and act like a woman possessed its a wonder someone hasn’t slapped me ( sometimes I wish they would just to try and bring me back down to earth) i feel I have nothing in common with my friends, that their lives continue to move on while I’m here trying to work out what the hell the last 11 months have been about. If one more person tells me how good I look, at least a stone overweight, nothing in my wardrobe fits, my chubby face, lack of hair and my mother In law keeps saying ‘you’ve got loads of clothes!’ To which I repeat your right but none of them fit me… If my mother tries once more to fix my scarf or alter my wig I may throttle her (then feel like the worse daughter in the world, because I know it’s because she cares and thinks she’s helping) my husband tires his best, but I find myself screaming and crying its a wonder he’s not had me committed. I feel like I’m or a merry go round except there’s not much to be merry about. It’s Christmas (now tomorrow) I’m usually hyper and bouncing off walls… Which is why we decided to book our wedding for the 28th, which is now a blessing because like everything else cancer robbed that from us too (we got married 5 weeks after my diagnosis, on the advice of my oncologist) I have 200 guests who are coming to celebrate the end of a crap year and all I want to do is lie down in a darkened room and sob my heart out not put on a show of how fabulous I was taking on cancer and winning… God that felt good just saying it out loud! I’m sure like the treatment I’ll get through this ‘phase’ but right now I’m struggling x

I can sympathise with the PJs bit, although my boss prob wouldn’t have been too impressed at me turning up to work in them… I was forced into buying new stuff as I had to go back to work. Believe me I had no desire to shop and when I did it wasn’t a happy experience. Mainly because like you I didn’t recognise the person staring back in the mirror.

It’s great that you’ve got some support and taken comfort from the friends you’ve made here… And the depression isn’t as black. I’m on the mind I’ll try without drugs for now but if things don’t improve I fully intend on going to the gp for help. Mainly because I don’t need to add sectioned to my horrific year…

I think it’s still important to say to people just because the treatment has ended doesn’t mean the mental scars have. I’m coming to terms with the fact bc has changed me, and I won’t ever be the person I was before, right now I’m just figuring out who this new person is x

Hi my name is Lynn and I completely empathise with you…I am also in that deep dark place, its not nice and I am struggling to cope with it now x

Hello ladies,and especially Mrs Angry     I am so pleased that I came across this thread, I can so relate to all that you have said.     I am one of the lucky ones, in that I needed the left MX in Nov12, but escaped the chemo,rads, and other drugs,but it still affects you emotionally    I have had reconstruction to the left side, and on Mon 31st March am going back in to have my right side reduced to look more even!.(It was meant to be on 10th march but surgeon went sick so spent 3 hours in admissions suite then returned home.      I finished work in Oct.11, after months off with stress the previous year  and a lousy line manager and having to take Citalopram-still on it! then my mum had a fall in early dec and struggled on until early Feb. the care home was outstanding. my sister lives in France, she managed a visit- about an hour  at the Christmas on their way to see her son. and to come over to the funeral, they wore  jogging bottoms and fleeces!  I then had problem with my left eye- ? Tia - probably stress related.so another op  then in the Nov 12  was dx with DCIS in left breast, My sister saw me for about an hour that Xmas on her way to visit others. I have not heard from her since.she was over this Xmas, and at the end of the summer.   I had my reconstruction op on 4 Nov 13 3 weeks later my lovely grand daughter aged 10 was hit by a car, a frantic call from our daughter- who was 8 months pregnant I took care of the 2 boys( 6 & 8 yrs)  my husband followed the paramedic to the main hospital- oops  at way over speed limit,  home some 8 hours later. Our daughter is bringing up the children on her own.  The nicest thing from all this is we now have another beautiful grand daughter-now 8 weeks old. My husband has been there for me all the way, but sometimes I  feel a bit  smothered.   I am not looking forward to next op as hate the admissions suite that i have to check into on the morning. its horribly noisy and overcrowded.with day surgery minor cases as well as ladies like us Its a case of musical chairs and doctors etc shouting for their patients then hunt the empty room  .I’m not sleeping and cannot get it out of my head, my husband stayed with me  last time.and plans to do so again. mainly because I am partially deaf and find it hard to hear my name in all the mayhem. 

 I agree with clothes not feeling right, and comments from friends of  o you will be alright. (growl)   Like Lej81 says, BC has changed me,I will be a new shape in a few weeks, but not sure about it, Just all mixed up.

Sorry if I have winged but it does help. 

My youngest grandson has a special word Huggles,  so sending lots of them to all of you.

I don’t think any of us should carry any guilt about any of the riot of emotions we feel - fury, fear ,hopelessness , apathy…it is hardly surprising and they don’t go quickly as what happened to us did happen. I am dealing with impact of breast cancer which I was diagnosed with 2 years ago. Having said that, I am still managing the impact of having had leukaemia as a teenager 30 years ago. I am not trying to be a pessimist but just to say to be kind to yourself. These feelings don’t magically disappear even if people expect that we should be " over it by now".
A

It has been hard to get people to understand that the " recovery" phase is neither easy nor finite. There will always be a risk hanging around out there. It sounds really weird but sometimes I almost envy people on chemo, even though it was a complete nightmare, because they are obviously ill and there is a whole support structure around them.