Hello, i posted recently after discovering that i carry the faulty BRCA1 mutation. With my husband by my side we have seen the alll the relevent people and made some decisions. I have decided to have risk-reducing breast surgery and immeadiate reconstruction. My operation is scheduled for early Novemeber. I am now feeling calm and in control of my destiny.
What I am hoping for by posting is some advice on both what i will need for my hospital visit! And also advise on how to talk to my children about this? I have two boys, one age 7 and one nearly 4. They are my world. I know they need to know what is going on in a way that they can understand and cope with. Some things i have read suggest they should be brought up with the knowledge of BRCA1 so there is no secret to tell or news to break when they are older. Has anyone else talked to young children about these issues?
Hi. Good luck for your forthcoming op, can’t help you with stuff to take to hospital as I live in the middle east and everything is provided. But, I do have 3 children,ages 9,13 &16. I told them straight away what was wrong with me, in a gentle & reassuring way. I didn’t use long medical terminology. I explained about the lump & answered all their questions. Now, 9 months later we talk about it all the time, make jokes about me being a druggie, and my post-chemo convict haircut! if you are positive and up-beat about it, then so will they.Be positive about your operation, look forward to your future with your family and move on…if you do, then they will! Hugs to all of you. X
Hi there - my children are 5 and 8, and whilst I told them that I had a lump and that I needed an operation (in a hurry!) I didn’t use the word cancer for some weeks after my op and they could see I was getting “better”. I felt this gave me time to choose my words carefully and to be as reassuring as possible. But once I had told them I personally felt so much better that there was no secret, and that we can talk about it any time any place - and we do! As the children and I had talked about cancer before in other contexts, I wanted that bit of time to make sure I had the right words to explain my situation.
Sorry this doesn’t match your position exactly, but I just wanted to share my experience. Children are very, very adaptable and surprisingly understanding sometimes! As long as you provide the reassurance I’m sure your boys will take it in their stride. Maybe telling them now will give you a platform to raise the issue with them when they are older.
I first had breast cancer when my kids were 11 and 14 so much bigger than yours but was just honest with them from the start about the cancer. At that time we didn’t know about the gene change so it was t really brought up till later on. But now they are 20 and 16 and just been diagnosed for a 3rd they are very aware but not as scared as we all were back in 2006.
When kids are young they are easily distracted even if they are shocked for a see while if you then switch on cbbc and have ice cream for tea it def softens the blow more than with older kids or adults who are often much more acutely aware of the implications.
If you had to go for surgery to get your appendix out say you would prib just say something along the lines of mummy has a bad bit in her tummy and needs an op. So could just tell them mummy has a bad bug in her boobs called brca and needs to have an op to take it out. As they get older they may ask more questions about it. Eg if at any point you mention other family members who have the gene.
But I guess a lot depends on the individual I was always very honest with my kids about where babies came from, periods, sex etc so this was really no different in my eyes but I know some do try to protect kids by saying babies are left under a gooseberry bush or the like.
All the conversations I had with my kids were like either “oh ok” or “yuk” but usually finished “can I go and watch telly now?”
Our boys were a similar age to yours when my wife was diagnosed, and we told them pretty much as soon as we knew - the eldest was noticing the hushed discussions, so we decided openness was important.
Your position is a little different as you are going for risk reducing surgery, rather than treatment.
Hi my 2 boys were 2 and 3 the first time I got cancer so nothing was discussed. They are 7 and 8 now and I also have a 2 year old boy. I still never really discuss things with them, I didnt want them burdened by discussions about my health so everything is treated in a really matter of fact way and I have broached things this time round as they have cropped up. They know the docs took my first boob as there was something wrong with it but this time round although I told them and they know my other boob is gone, because they are older i dont walk round topless in front of them so they arent seeing it and i tell them I am having medicine at the hospital when I go for chemo and rads. I grew up thinking my mum was on her last legs all my childhood and it really affected me. In fact I am 42 she is 75 now and still convincing us that she is on last legs!!!The surgery isnt too bad and you wont be away from them for too long so guess you just have to weigh up the need to tell them against their actual need to know.
Yes I agree, just be relaxed and factual on a need to know basis. they need to know you are going in for an op, they need to know its your boobs cos you wont be able to pick them up or cuddle them properly for a bit. I would use cancer because children have big ears and someone else might let it drop. But you can stress that after the op it will all have gone.Obvioulsy itsis a personal choice though.
Thanks everyone for all the replies. We are generally an open family and normally i give very honest factual answers to the boys working on the theory that if they are old enough to ask the question the are old enough to hear the answer. I am going to see the counsellor (?) on friday so will ask his opinion too. I think i will begin by telling them gently about it and that i will br having an operation later in the year. I hope that then there questions will prompt me to tell them what they need to know. Calm and Relaxed i shall be!
Strawbs, like yours my family has always been very open, so I tried to tell the kids (12 and 14, and 21 and 23) what I thought they’d want to know, and I also encouraged them to ask any questions they wanted. Even if they didn’t want to ask me, I arranged that my oldest daughter (21) could speak to the BCN if there was something she didn’t feel able to speak to me about (didn’t happen, she just asked me) and that the youngest two could ask her if they didn’t want to ask me (again, didn’t happen, they just asked). I got a bit of a shock while going round a busy roundabout when the youngest asked a question I hadn’t anticipated. Nearly crashed the car when she said, in not so many words, “what happens to us if you die?”!!! Wasn’t prepared for THAT one! But it’s logical, really, that that would be what was bothering them. Kids do care what’s happening to mum, but they want to know what the impact will be ON THEM! So you should expect some really odd questions. Might be “who’s going to take us to school?” or “Can I have school dinners instead of packed lunches?” or any manner of child-centric question.
I suspect the genetic thing might come out in conversation if they ask “why?” That seems like the ideal opportunity to explain (not quite sure what terminology you’d use that’d be appropriate for kids the ages of yours).
Best of luck, with talking to the kids and with all the treatment ahead of you.
Thanks CM! It really does help to here that you can tell your kids this stuff and that family life just carries on afterwards. The questions will tell me what they need reassurance about. It feels natural to me to be open and honest. The counsellor also gave me some info to read about talking to children which was helpful. Anyway, thanks again, strawb x
As the children and I had talked about cancer before in other contexts, I wanted that bit of time to make sure I had the right words to explain my situation.