Has anyone else had experience of a relationship/marriage breakdown during cancer treatment?
I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in August. I had a lumpectomy and partial lymph node removal on 1/9/10 and my husband moved out of our home 48 hours later. There are many reasons for this which I won’t bore you with now, but I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.
I’m really struggling. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and I feel as though I’m not having emotional time to recover from my op and even think about further treatment and I’m sure this amount of stress won’t be aiding my recovery.
I know it’s ridiculous but I worry that the stress will make the cancer worse/come back!
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low but am trying hard to keep it together for my son. Luckily I have an amazing friends/family network who give me lots of practical and emotional help but at the end of the day when I shut the door, I just feel really bloody alone!
all of my friends/family have been great listeners but the one person who want/need to be here for me is the one person who isn’t. I find I fluctuate between hurt, anger, disappointment, crying and frustration. The frustration is because every conversaition I have with my husband always ends with me in tears and him angry with me and telling me how hard it is for him and still believing that his behaviour is perfectly acceptable. It’s quite hard to explain exactly what has happened without writing a war & peace length novel but I feel it always ends up being about him. The final straw for me was when I had been home for 24 hours after surgery and he announced he wanted to spend the weekend at his sailing club! When I was obviously underwhelmed a row ensued and he then said “I have taken 3 days out of a very important sailing championship to look after YOU this week” at which point I felt enough was enough. I hadn’t had my bloody tonsils out. I’ve got Cancer!!! His resentment was so hurtful.
Also whilst waiting for diagnosis he wouldn’t talk about it and after the umpteenth attempt i lost my temper and he said “get a grip. anyone would think you already had cancer the way you’re behaving!”
I’m going to stop with the rant now as it could go on for pages and pages but sadly I don’t know if i can forgive him for the way he has behaved through all of this.
Dear Bish I am sorry to read that you are having such a difficult time, I am sure you will receive valuable support here from your fellow users. In addition, please feel free to call our helpline for further support and a listening ear. The lines are open Monday to Friday 9-5 and Sat 9-2 on 0808 800 6000.
What a terrible experience. Mine was slightly different in that my divorce came thru the day I was diagnosed. However, there are a number of ladies on here who have had a similar experience to you and I’m sure someone will be along soon with their story.
I got so mad when I read your post, I showed it to my husband. He says if you tell him where your husband’s boat is, he’ll drill a hole in the bottom of it!
Seriously though, even if your marriage was already rocky and he doesn’t want to acknowledge that you have cancer, your son should still be his joint responsibility with you. He’s abandoned him too. There’s no excuse for his behaviour towards you or your son.
Talk all of this through with a counsellor - your mind must be going round in circles.
Hugs
Lilac x
Hello Bish,
I really feel for you and what you are going through. I know my husband has found the whole experience overwhelming and frightning at times and I have been stronger than him. I think for men they do not have the emotional support that women usually receive in our situation, its often down to us to support them too. My husband internalised his distress and has been emotionally fragile, that said, he has been there at all the times for me, even when its not been easy for him.
Your husband has not acted in your best interest but perhaps a period of time on his own may make him realise what’s important in his life, you and your child,and make him reassess his actions. Does he have any support, family and friends, who could maybe help him to help you?
I’m sorry that you are going through this along with the cancer treatments but you seem to have good people around you, take comfort from them and allow them to help you both emotionally and practically, I know that people close to us so much want to help but dont know how - tell them, it will ease your burdens and make them feel they are helping. Do please look after yourself and focus on your son, you will get through this - we are a lot stronger than we think.
Take care,
Ann
Just a thought, but perhaps your husband is stuck in the denial phase of getting to grips with this cancer. You know the old denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance thing?
You’re the only one who knows if things were on the rocks before or if this is something he needs help getting through so that you can stay together. Sounds like he needs to talk it through, when he’s ready. It’s so hard to accept what cancer does to us and it must be just as hard for our partners to come to terms with it, too. I think men are often less mature about being selfless that we are.
I really hope he comes round to realising what your relationship is worth. We’re all resentful about giving up the things we love, giving up the illusion that life was going to be a long and healthy one. I can understand that it might make a husband behave like a fool and if this is out of character, he probably needs some time to get his head around it all.
Wishing you well for the treatment. It’s tough with a toddler (I have a 2.5year old too) so that network will be invaluable. xxx Jane
Hi bish1 its hard enough for you at this time without you having to deal with husband issues you can only deal with one problem at a time and you are the most inportant person in all of this stay strong for you and your son. Make some arrangements for your son to spend some quality with his dad so you can get some deserved rest.You will get through this maybe at the end of this you might think your better of without him do you realy need the heartache take care elaine
Hi Bish
My partner also walked out on my straight after surgery! I hadnt seen it coming because there wasnt a problem as far as i could see. He was always VERY positive about the cancer but said that he found it hard always being positive and upbeat when i was down but he also had to be upbeat when i was having a good day. He said he couldnt let me see how scared and upset he was.
He moved into a flat of his own and we argued and i cried everytime we spoke. Eventually we agreed to not talk or contact each other for a week. He was in this flat for 3 months and the week after we agreed to stop talking we got together and he is now home. He is seeing a counsellor and im seeing one seperately.
I really really hope you stay strong, do whats best for you and your little boy and things work out the best for you!!
I’m going through a similar situation, my husband is still here but I feel like telling him to get lost.
I have 3 weeks ago completed chemo, lumpectomy 11 nodes removed (no cancer found), 23 rads.
I am the same in that to go into detail I would be here all day but my husband was hardly any help to me and my 3 year old daughter and more interested in his golf. I also found out he has run up debts I didn’t know about and I’m finding it hard to forgive him as he keeps lying to me.
I’m not going back to work until after new year and we have a huge mortgage etc. I just don’t know what to do.
bish you are not alone, i have been married just under 3 years and now going through divorce, its ok saying that the other halfs find it difficult but i needed support not comments like
‘you are acting like its terminal’
‘what part of this illness makes you moody and snappy’
‘i would handle it differnetly if it was me’
on asking him to take time off he said ‘what for you might not be ill’
i think the same with you is that the diagnosis was a scapegoat for other issues, if they cared enough and were not as selfish (like my oh just carried on as normal with golf, work, gym etc) saying its his way of handling it is a lame excuse when we need support they should be there and if cant support us through this then what hope is there for the future.
in saying all this it is still tough as i do miss him and wish things could be different all i can say is take the support of family and friends and dont feel alone as there are always wonderful people on this site to help xxx
My sympathies to you all. I’m like Julia in that my divorce came through the same time as I found out that I had another type of cancer and needed more surgery. It is tough managing on your own. I live on my own and so use my long suffering friends but I also saw a counsellor. My BCN managed to organise a few free sessions and it really helped me with the feeling of being totally overwhelmed. Whilst hopefully your husbands attitude will change, you need support now. You need to ask to get help or burst into tears as I did! Feel free to 'rant ’ here though as long as you like.
Mine is the same story was in a happy loving relatioship I thought and then out the blue after discussing arrangements for our wedding he bust into tears and said he didnt know what was wrong and left me in the first week of rads! that was on 21st Oct 10, since then he was calling me telling me how he needed support from me and wanted to see his friends and have a life but he still cared and was unsure of what he wanted then he moved his things out the house on the 16th Nov 10 and then contacted me to ask for a car key and toolbox back in Dec to which I met him on the 6th Dec and he told me for 2 hours how much he missed me and kept kissing me and touching me. How it hurts that if he did miss me so much he left me! I have heard nothing since from him and I am trying to put my life back together and I am finding it very hard because I still love him so have started counsellor and hopefully I will get my life back.
I really don’t know what’s the matter with some men.
My husband, 8 months after I was dx, decided that he preferred the company of an old girlfriend from his teens because she was exciting. He was 64 and we had been married for 27 years.
I have to concede that maybe I hadn’t been very exciting over the previous few months.
That was 2 years ago and it still hurts.
Not that he had given me any support whatever. Never attended a hospital appointment and as my operation was on a Thursday he was unable to take me into hospital because he’s a journalist and it was ‘going to press’ day.
L, you will get your life back. Give yourself time. No matter what happens with your husband, there is life after marriage breakdown. I now do all sorts of things that I didn’t do before and my friends have been really supportive about the BC treatment. I still see my ex occasionally and am astonished at how I don’t miss him at all.
Haylzy - the Citizens Advice do money advice sessions at my local cancer support centre and can help you with things that you are entitled to. (Don’t forget to get the free prescriptions form if you haven’t already!)
I found your post very interesting and perhaps, to a little extent, know how you feel.
Well, this is before my DX - been with partner for 23 years - I then get new job - fell totally in love with boss - even told partner - partner obviously not happy - then found lump - then DX with BC - now feel can’t really have a say in the direction of my life - must rely on good will of near and dear (not that I’d do anything anyway).
But my partner made me feel so bad the other day I thought it would be better if I kicked the bucket quickly so he could get the insurance and make a new life for himself.
It really is a very strange place we inhabit with BC. Oh god, I’ve just re-read the above - I’m not a miserable toe rag really!!!
My husband loves me but is having a real problem with my scars - the elephant in the room. He can’t get away from the fact that I’ve had cancer and that it might come back… therefore he’s trying to step back emotionally from me, it hurts but I understand and at least he’s explained it!
It’s Poo isn’t it…x
My husband told me while I was having Chemo that he ‘didn’t know how he felt’ about me anymore and said that I had pushed him away. Well, I was devastated but we had some long talks and eventually he said he wanted to talk to the Breast Cancer counsellor. He went a couple of times and I thought things were back on track.
However, over the christmas period I felt he’d started acting the same as before and after weeks of walking on egg shells around him I asked him what his problem was. Again he said he’s not happy, couldn’t say why and that he didn’t know what to do. So last week I told him to leave!
It’s not the route I wanted to take and I’m hurting big time inside but something just snapped in me last week and I thought it was about time I worried about what was going on with me and concentrate on my treatment rather than stress about him.
My way of thinking at the moment is that if he’s not got it in him to stick out the shittiest time in my/our life then I’ve not got it in me to be with someone like that.
Of course, ask me in a couple of weeks when my anger has subsided and I may be feeling a little more emotion about it all and hoping he’ll come back.
He’s tried to contact me but I just don’t want the hassle at the moment. Strangely enough, I’ve also slept the best I’ve done for months in this past week - go figure!
Karen