Hi Lainey,
Thanks for your comments,I was just a bit down after phoning my boss to tell her how I got on at Occ Health.This is a great thread for us ,theres always someone there to give a hug or kind word. Right now I need someone to give me a kick up the a**e to get dressed!
OUCH! OK I am going…
Hugs
Dot
x
Hi Ladies,
Am still smiling! Trying not to pin too much on tomorrow in case he says he has to amputate my entire left side LOL! That will truly push me into the bottom of a bottomless pit of wine and chocolate!!!
Dot, you did fantastically well coping with the conference and you musn’t see anything as a failure. If your goal was to get through the conference then hooray! you did it!!! No-one should make you feel like you are taking on too much. We have to have people who will support us in what we want to do, praise us when we achieve it and hug us and not judge when we dont!
I know its hard as we all want to be as we were but I don’t think I will ever be the same person as I was before this. Having never been ill in a real, long term way before, it has certainly changed my perspective on life and health. As Lainey says, baby steps. You want to go back in chunks you can manage rather than overdo it and be knocked back cos that certainly wont help your emotional state.
Lainey, your appointment is today isn’t it or do I have really bad kimo brain? If so how did it go? How you feeling? If not, soz, duh!!
Jenny, hope you are coping okay with going back to work and being kind to yourself.
Love to you all,xxxx
hi ostrich im afraid to say you have a really bad kimo brain lol but you are close its this friday. hubby has arranged day off work and on thursday im going to write a list of questions. going to go for lunch after it so i have something to do after appt if not i will come home and mope around… glad u are feeling better please let us know how u get on tomorrow… lots of love lainey xx
Ostrich,I hope your surgeon sorts out your yucky bits today.(and not amputate too much of your body! LOL!)
Let us know how it goes.
I called my BCN yesterday as I feel my back scar is SO tight and seems to be sticking to my ribs.She spoke to my Surg and I now have appt on 25th to see him.I thought they might get me to see a physio for massage or something but will have to wait till 25th and see what he says.I am getting OH to massage it at night so will see if that helps.
We are going away with friends this weekend so I am so looking forward to that,the girls are booked in for a spa day on saturday while the men do clay pigeons and quad bikes (lets hope we have no visits to A&E) .I am a bit nervous of the swimming cossie (tankini) and getting changed,don’t want to put my friends (or total strangers)off their lunches!
Might cheat and wear it to go to the spa,just have to remember not to forget knickers for going home! I have done that before!
Lainey,am I right in thinking you are in central Scotland as there is a post from someone looking for a meet.I would be willing to travel from Edinburgh if there was enough interest.
Jenny,hope you are well and not working too hard!
Love
Dot
x
hi dot i am in glasgow as it wouls be amazing to meet up xx
Hi,
Just got back. I am feeling loads better now. Surgeon said he doesn’t think its infected, its not open down to the void in my back and the skin showing is looking good and the GP and nurse have been treating it right! I have to have it cleaned of scough (yellow uck) and more dissolving stuff on the uck every day or so at the doctors and he believes it will heal fine in time from the bottom up. If once the uck has gone its still slow to heal he will consider some vacuum type thingy (had switched off by then) to help but doesnt think it will be necessary. Happy for me to carry on with kimo and will write to onc to confirm this just it might take a bit longer to heal because I am having kimo.
Phew, relief! Much happier having someone professional say its okay and will mend and not to panic. Just have to learn patience! Also my last front scab has come off and so have completely closed boob so can begin to rub bio oil in etc and get to know it a bit. It looks pretty good just still quite a few different colours but a boob without leaking or scabs nonetheless! Hooray!
Still cant have deep baths and showers are a no no so will have to continue to sit in waist high water but I have a date with a bubbly bath somewhere in the future and I will continue to dream and plan for it!
Also going to pick up my wig tomorrow!
Dot, your weekend sounds fab! I wish I could be doing something like that. Plan for the new year I think or for my 40th just after kimo finishes! I hope you have a brilliant time and I bet no-one notices anything about your scars just your fab looking boobs! Just dont forget the knickers cos its a bit cold for the GI Jane look!
If I ever get to Scotland I’ll make sure I let you ladies know and see if we can meet for a cuppa!
xxx
hi ostrich thank goodness all went okay thats brilliant its only natural to panic at first though i would be the same but thats great and the best thing is it wont delay your kimo as you want that over with asap. im so happy for you. let us know how your wig looks i bet it will look great. i know it would be amazing for us all to meet but hey you never know love lainey xx
So glad you hear they didn’t need to amputate anything! It will just take time to heal and as you say a bit longer because of the chemo.I can understand how desperate you are for a big bubble bath,after my 2 foot operations I was in plaster for 9 weeks each time so no baths,it was hellish! I had a bag thing but didn’t trust it for right in the bath so sat on a bath seat in the bath and showered down but its not the same!
I am a bit peed off at an email from one of the girls going away at the weekend.She is moaning ,what a tough year she has had and is now having problems at work due to redundacnies (her job is safe!) and she ended the email saying “Can life throw any more crap on me this year?” …I feel like replying yes you could get BC! I am actually quite upset about it,seems daft I know but thats how I feel.
I am normally quite sympathetic but somehow I don’t seem to have any reserves of sympathy for anyone with non life threathening problems.Does anyone else feel less than charitable at times and then feels guilty?
I need to reply or she will think I am rude,so will have to make all the right sympathetic sounds!
Just been out for a wander in the drizzle round the shops.Got my Christmas crackers halfprice in Boots,and a lovely candle in TKmaxx ,its “Pumpkin Pie” flavour!
I can recommend some retail therapy!
I am back to see the psychologist tomorrow ,I can’t believe its been a month already.Better pack some tissues! LOL!
Hugs
Dot
xx
Hi Dot,
It is hard to be sympathetic to people moaning about what seems little stuff. You need to try and remember that in her world they are big things and what’s going on in your world completely slips out of her head making her seem like a shallow bleep! Perhaps you could reply with something along the lines…
I know what you mean, I had this… my two foot operations…BC… - goodness knows what else may happen, life does throw cr*p at you when you least expect it but I am learning to be grateful for what I have!
She’ll probably cringe and think “ooops” and you’ll feel a little better and hopefully the two of you will stay friends 
Someone once said “smile - it confuses people!”
I do feel very uncharitable at times but I have to say there are times when I think, thank goodness this is all I have when I see somethings. If someone had told me when I was 16 the things life would throw at me before the age of 40 I would probably have decided to opt out there and then!
Having attempted suicide myself once I do feel a bit differently and am thankful for just breathing and seeing the sun come up - no matter how dark it gets cos if there is nothing more than this (and I am a christian) then this is better than nothing.
I hope it goes well at the head doc tomorrow - I think they are wonderful and have helped me deal with some real sh*t in my life/head sometimes and tears are brilliant (even if like me you can’t cry like hollywood and end up looking atrocious!)
You do seem much brighter these days but you shouldn’t be worried if you still fall down a hole. What with the head doc, us, retail therapy, etc you’ll get through this,
xxx
My reply was very much along those lines and I ended it “lets hope life doesn’t chuck any more crap at any of us”
I am normally a much nicer person! LOL!
I agree that I am glad that my problems are not worse ,so many ladies on here are in a much worse position.And some people have problems at home and work too!
Sorry to hear about the attempted suicide,that must be hard to admit to,it must have been a very dark hole you were in.I had a friend commit suicide when I was 21,he was 25 and I still wonder why and if I could have done anything.I am glad you are relishing life and as you say its better than the alternative! We will get through this sh*t and put it in a box in our minds.It will always be there but it needs to know its place! I am struggling to get mine in the box,LOL!
Will also put my make-up in my bag for tomorrow,the tear stained mascara streaked look is not good!
I feel I am in and out of little holes just now but they aren’t as big as they were! More like potholes! LOL!
Its a good job we can laugh and I am so glad I got BC after the internet had been invented!
Love to all
Dot
x
You are a nice person! We are all allowed to be grouchy, please don’t think I was saying you shouldn’t be.
What I was trying unsuccessfully to say is that when we are all in our holes they are the worst and whether one person’s hole is another person’s garden of roses they are still holes to that person. Just because we have been so far “lucky” with this doesn’t mean it or something else won’t try and knock us over now or in the future. I was trying to say that your friend has no idea what the BC hole is like and BC to her is something she can and does forget about. For you it will be something you live with, not forget.
I love the pot hole analogy! I fell in a well on Monday and am looking forward to it being pot holes again. I don’t think the road will ever be clear of BC pot holes though and thats the saddest part of this disease - it stays with you even when the cells are gone. The box will always have dodgy sellotape!
I hate to think what hole I would be in if it wasn’t for the internet - you lot have saved me many a time!
xxxx
Ostrich ,you didn’t say anything wrong ,I knew exactly what you meant.
Its nice that we can admit to not feeling sympathetic on here and people understand.It would be hard to say that to people who haven’t been here!
My friend has just replied “thanks Dot,I am looking forward to the weekend” I thought I might get a “You have had a sh*t year too” But no! Nevermind!
I hope your well become less deep soon!
hugs
Dot
x
Perhaps you should let your friend see your scars - maybe then she’ll have some teeny inkling of the mental ones we bear in comparison to the physical ones!
My well is only a pot hole today, I don’t like the dark so tend not to stay down wells too long. LOL!
xx
Well, very surreal. Am sitting here with my wig on my head in an attempt to see whether I feel like a freak or not. Seems v v odd. This whole BC thing seems odd at times like its not really happening - maybe I am just pretending? I certainly haven’t behaved/felt like I would have imagined I would so it seems unreal at times that this actually is happening. Now sitting here wearing a wig I feel both utterly ridiculous and as if someone is going to come through the back door and say “stupid, it was all just a wind up and you fell for it - you even got the wig, ha ha!”
Hmm, odd, definately odd.
hi ostrich i bet you look fine with your wig and no wonder you feel the way you do. when i was told about such a high risk of cancer i was so devastated as i couldnt understand and at times still dont why something in my body can promote cancer and i would need such drastic steps. but after a while i tried to act as though i was dealing with it by speaking about it as though it was happening to someone else and a friend once said i spoke about operations and timing of operations as though i was giving timings to go on a cruise as i was so matter of fact and hardly flinched when speaking about it. so i think at times it can seem so surreal and as its such a huge huge deal we cant get our heads round it. at times i think we go into auto pilot and our lifes go on hold as we are then at the mercy of our consultants and gp’s if they say jump we jump as we have to. but personally i think you,dot and jenny are remarkable along with others dealing with cancer. i hate using the word brave as i hate being told im brave the way i see it is im doing merely what i have to and pray and hope nothing goes wrong but you’s are brave. and you’s are getting there and one day this whole thing will be over with and life can begin again. when i struggle with my feelings i think about you’s and then count my blessings.what i object to is being told god only sends what he knows we can deal with well i question that as i feel at times i cant deal with this that its too huge. but i try and keep smiling and try keeping things in perspective. having a bad few days myself i was sick last night and this morning i know its fear though as my date should be getting pencilled in tomorrow and i ask myself if im violently sick at trying to schedule op how bad will i be going for it. how nice would it be though if this was all a bad nightmare? all my love to all lainey xxxxx
(((((((((((((((((((((0)))))))))))))))))))) hugs and love to you Lainey, will be thinking of you tomorrow.
(I have struggled lots with my faith too and have joined a thread in chit chat and fun marked prayers. It doesn’t always help but the ladies on there are pretty good at pointing out something positive and stopping me getting too angry at God. Faith is strong, just me that is a weak wobbly mess these days.)
Is your OH going with you tomorrow?
x
hi ostrich yes he is coming along with me i probuably wouldnt go if i had to go alone. its strange as i know its happening but it seems this is final. im so up and down today. its been a long 2 years since finding out to now and i will be relieved when its over with its just strange walking into a hospital with no aches and pains or diseases and having such a long op and walking out worse than when i went in. im probuably just ranting now and not making sense . nothing makes sense just now though xx
You are making sense honey, I’d be terrified in your situation. Its a tough decision to make and even tougher to make your legs walk through those doors knowing you’ll be physically worse than when you went in.
Are you planning a boob party or anything tonight?
no i will arrange something though the weekend b4 the operation probuably including burning all my old bras as they will be at least 6 sizes too big for me. i hate the thought of my boobs having their pics taken tomorrow also. im panicing over silly small things. going for a stiff drink after appt tomorrow and some lunch then friends up tomorrow night for another stiff drink or 20 xx
I just had a thought, it may be a terrible one so I won’t be offended if you tell me to go forth and multiply.
Have you considered having a professional picture taken of you with boobs, black and white, topless perhaps? It may be an awful thought to have a pic of what once was and tastless of me to suggest but it may be a nice thought of having a pic of you looking stunning!
I am thinking Gok styley.
Perhaps you already have lots of private topless pictures of yourself anyhow…