mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

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361

Hi

So glad to hear that an expert says its healing now.What a very handy friend to have.Healing form the bottom up is good so fingers crossed!
I replied on your other thread,so won’t duplicate here. Missed this thread yesterday somehow!
No idea what G-CSF is ?
I am off to get dressed now and pop into M&S (20% off) and Boots (1000 extra points when you spend £50) before my stress class for a bit of retail therapy!
Are you snuggled under your duvet?
Re patience…I don’t have enough either ,my surgeons favourite saying is “give it time” But I want to be better NOW!

Take care,
Dot
x

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Hi Ladies,

Long time no speak, its been very quiet on our thread, is everyone ok?

Sorry I haven’t been on much, just coming out of the 2nd FEC fog and then weekend with son home from college.

How did your retail therapy and stress class go Dot? Looks like you did it in the right order - retail therapy and then stress class to relieve stress caused by shopping! I am going to embark on xmas shopping this week but will try to do most on line.

Lainey and Jenny how are you doing?

Have you made a decision on your surgery yet Lainey? Are you settled back into work now Jenny?

Its funny how our lives run so close for a while and then go off into different directions. I suppose thats how we met and as BC isn’t a standard illness we all have different experiences of it and are at different stages in our journey.

I am still hanging desparately onto returning to something resembling my pre BC life at the beginning of March, as soon as kimo is finished and refuse to think that that wont be the case. That being said I am beginning to think I was mis-sold this new boob and everytime I dip into the reconstruction thread and read people’s issues re their LD and think of my not 100% pre-arm movement, odd shaped boob, large musle running under my arm, jumping boob, lack of nipple I find myself thinking - jeesh - I may be over ambitious!

I have such a beauty routine (if you can call it that) for someone without hair you wouldn’t believe it. I rub bio-oil onto my breast and head (to keep scalp nice) nightly and attempt to massage the breast a little to soften the bottom up where I think the implant is sat (boy it feels weird cos I can feel it pulling in my back!), brush my wig and sort out my sleep cap, do some exercises for my arm but to be honest I am not trying as hard as I could and things are tight, not only along my arm but in my back, brush and interdental my teeth and mouthwash to attempt to save my gum disease from taking my teeth and then clean my face, moisturise etc as there’s no hiding bad skin without hair. Before BC I hardly bothered with a nightly routine now I am desparately attempting to feel I am doing something so that perhaps when I look in the mirror at the end of kimo I won’t be too horrified and will see a chance of realising my dream of the beautiful woman on a beach next summer with great boobs (or at least one), a short sassy hair do and not too many horrid wobbly bits!

Sorry, rambling on, no-one to talk to except OH who wants to talk about flooring the loft, son who wants to quit college, youngest who needs help with homework and eldest who seems to be determined to get sacked by being sick every Monday!

Love to you all, xxx

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HI LADIES IM OK. I WAS OFFLINE THERE AS I HAD A HUGE ARGUMENT WITH BT OVER THEM RIPPING ME OFF AND I TOLD THEM TO CANCEL SERVICE WHICH THEY DID. BACK ONLINE NOW OBVIOUSLEY. I HAVE MISSED YOU’S ALL SO MUCH I HATED NOT CHECKING YOUS WERE OK. I HAVE DECIDED ON USING MY STOMACH FOR DEFINATE. GOT APPT ON 19TH TO HAVE PICTURES ETC DONE. HOPE YOUS ARE ALL WELL. LOTS OF LOVE LAINEY XX

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Hi Lainey!!

Just literally sat down to see if anyone out there. Don’t post much in the evenings at the moment as usually in bed tired but think I haven’t come off the steriods the same this time.

Glad to hear you are okay and still with us.

Glad too to hear that you have made a decision - its bi-lat with immediate recon isn’t it- tram or diep (why I ask I don’t know cos I don’t know which is which but thought I would look knowledgeable LOL!)

Will surgery be in the new year then? New year - new boobs and new tummy!!!

xxx

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hi ostrich when i last saw surgeon she explained she had to do it within 18 weeks so would prefer me to tell her when i would prefer it making sure i have someone here to look after me etc and we both agreed on mid feb so im looking forward to it. just to getting it over with. its one thing after another just now testing my stress levels. hubby cut through an electricity cable yesterday and was sent to hosp he seems ok but unsure if any damage was caused. yes its a bi lat tram flam op. sounds crazy i think.glad your doing well… love lainey xx

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Hi girls!

Glad you are doing OK on Chemo Ostrich,I think you are amazing,you just bounce back after every burst wound etc!
Talking of which,hows the healing going?
Like you I am learning to live with my new boob,its not perfect but it IS much better than the alternative.In my job I have seen many recons in the past and I have to say mine is much better than most I saw a few years ago.They tended to look just like skin stretched over a tennis ball!
Once my scars fade and I get a new nipple it will look even better.
I managed some retail therapy last Thursday.I got a bra (they never have my size) in M&S and a party top in per una for my Christmas do’s.With the 20% day the queue was massive! However it was worth it as my bra went through at £2!!!
We have had a stressful weekend.We have a flat that we rent out and it flooded and flooded the flat below too! A pipe between the bathroom and kitchen sprung a leak!
The insurance co have been a nightmare! They sent an emergency plumber who isolated the leak however to repair it he has to take the bath out ,BUT they won’t put it back!
Also the backstabbing amongst our the club has escalated.I can’t go into details (it all sounds so petty anyway) but it is very upsetting as we have been accused of all sorts!
I have done 2 lovely hampers for the Maggies Christmas Fayre,they do look lovely (even though I say so myself).I just want to give back for all the support.It is such a great idea.My local Maggies was the first one and now there a quite a few.
I have my Aunt arriving for 3 days on Thursday so that will be great but has required a fair bit of housework in preparation!

Lainey,
Glad things are going in the right direction for you,enjoy Christmas and worry about the op later!
Hope your hubby is OK?

Love to all,
Dot
x

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hi dot thanks i will try and enjoy christmas. i love christmas just hate new year for the past 2 years as i know whats ahead of me. anyway thats a lovely idea to do that with the hampers think i will also do a couple as maggies centres are amazing and offer so much support and practical help. again it will be nice to be able to give something back. thats rubbish about the flat but typical insurance companies. i must admit im looking forward to buying bras as im really large just now 36jj/k so i have to go into my local lingerie shop,order them then wait around 2 weeks. really not practical. sorry to hear about others squabbling you must feel like screaming at them. thats the thing when we have been to hell and back and others around us argue over small things its very difficult.have a nice time with your aunt. are you doing anything special at christmas? we are hoping to have xmas dinner with hubby’s dad as we lost his mum 5 years ago and we invite him up every year and every year he cancels as he feels he is imposing which is so not the case he is much loved and certainly welcome so im going to annoy him about it until he cant refuse. hehe. love lainey xx

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Morning Ladies,

Hope your hubby is ok Dot, x

I suppose all these things (plumbers, bras, relatives, insurance companies, children) are what keep us going - its normal life and I suppose what makes me feel “normal” rather than suddenly the world being different just because of BC.

I had a winge at my OH the other day telling him how I felt about myself, life etc and bless him - he came home last night and told me he was taking today and tomorrow off. Part of me thought, aw, the other part thought, darn. Here I sit today and he is up in the loft with his best friend (they are surgically attached to each other) flooring the loft and having a great time, occasionally shouting down the stairs to me to fetch a drill bit, put the kettle on! Tomorrow his plan is to accompany me to see the surgeon and pop into Ikea on the way home to get more stuff and then back into the loft so I suppose we will get some quality time together then LOL! Much as part of me wishes today and tomorrow could be something out of our ordinary life - a memory to treasure - the other part smiles that life goes on and doesn’t change and that these days will still be a memory.

Going to spend my time today doing my xmas shopping on line in between making coffee!

xx

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hi ostrich, thats true life still goes on and a quick pace i often think that also that irrespective of how im feeling life goes on i value it as a good thing as i think i can get too wrapped up in cancer issues and love at times listening to others moan about nothing (normality). i had a nasty day at work on sun as i was taking calls and i had already adv manager i was very emotional that day and i had a cust that asked how i would feel having cancer and having to wait a full day for an engineer. i lost it i burst into tears and tapped my friend on the shoulder signalling her to take over my call. i went into the bathroom and collapsed in a heap crying for a long time. gee i looked awful afterwards but it demonstrates that when we think we are coping it takes just 1 comment to put us back again. crazy thing is my friend is from liverpool and customer never noticed glasweigan-liverpudlian accent. im going to rethink my career over next few months. have a nice day tealady hehe… love lainey xx

jenny- i havent heard from you in a while and really hope your okay you are in my thoughts xxxxxx

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Lainey,

Sorry to hear you had a rough time at work, its true that it takes little things sometimes to send us over the edge let alone people who have no idea what we are going through cos they are stuck in their own world. Big hugs to you, hope you are okay now, xxxxxxx

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hi ostrich, hubby was allowed home yest from hosp but was back today as he keeps being sick they electrical volts have damaged his muscle. feel sad now xx

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Lainey,
Is hubby still in hospital?
Poor you,just as you were getting settled with a date for your op.
We are here so feel free to moan and mump.
I am so p*ssed off with the plumbing/insurance nightmare,it just keeps going…arrgghh!!!
Still its not life threatening I guess!

Been to Psychologist today ,she certainly knows which buttons to press to make me cry!
She thinks I am getting better and so do I!
Aiming for back to work mid December.Happy Christmas to me LOL!

Fingers crossed your hubby is OK
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love
Dot
x

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hi dot they have sent him home but i feel helpless as he is sore and crying which hubby never ever does. think he got such a fright. he keeps being sick also.he says he keeps picturing me and kids. he was told by the top man yesterday if it wasnt for his gloves he would have been dead and no-one would have identified him as they wouldnt have been able to. thats whats sticking in his head. i keep reassuring him that he is here though and he will be ok but if feels like its only words…
good on u for trying to get back in dec mind if your not upto it dont push yourself. wean yourself in gently. love lorraine xx

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Hi,sorry to hear about your poor hubby.Its probably worse for him with what you are going through.It certainly makes us and those close to us acutely aware of our mortality and the poor fella has had his life flash(sorry!) before his eyes.I don’t think it was necessary for the Dr to say he would have been unidentifiable! How was that going to make him feel better? It would have been enough to say the gloves saved his life.
He needs to rest and if hes not sleeping get him to the GP for something to help.
Take care of yourselves,
Love
Dot
x

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hi dot we went to doc today and she sent him to hospital again to get checked over they say he is making good progress and his ck levels have dropped which is good. they also had a word with him telling him thats its ok to be emotional about it due to the shock. we went for lunch and visited his family which i feel has helped. thanks dot love lainey xx

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Glad to hear he is a wee bit better,what a shock he must have got (theres that shock word again sorry LOL!) He has had such a fright it will take time to get over it.I hope you are OK and looking after yourself too!
Just got to make up the bed for my Auntie who arrives tomorrow.It’ll be nice to have her around and do things like shopping! I miss my Mum who dies 5 years ago and I am an only child! This Auntie is actually my dads cousin and has lived in Spain for years,we only see her every couple of years.
Probably won’t be on much over the next few days as it would be rude while we have a guest! But I will be thinking of my BC friends,
Love
Dot
x
Ostrich,hope you are OK too!

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hi dot i hope you have a lovely few days with her and we will be thinking of you too xx

ostrich and jenny i hope yous are ok too xx

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Hi Ladies,

Lainey, I am so sorry, kimo brain meant that I read that it was Dot’s hubby who had an electric shock! Duh! So sorry honey, I do hope he gets better soon, it must be awful for all of you, sorry I haven’t been on to keep in the picture and offer my support, xxx

Dot, I hope you enjoy your time with your Auntie, nice times with friends and family are golden to me, x

I ended up spending yesterday evening curled up on the sofa with wine and Holby City (heaven for me) and then as hubby was off today to accompany me to see surgeon I have been out all day. We went to Ikea before the hospital (as its in Bristol) and then another huge shop on the way home.

Surgeon is really happy with my wound and says it will take about 2 months to completely heal so I am being positive that when kimo finishes I will be fully healed. He says there might be a bit of a horrid looking scar but that down the line they may be able to do some plastics to improve it. He also says I have a bit of lymphodema in my breast due to the fact that the fluid doesn’t drain as it used to when it was actually a breast and not a muscle. I suppose that makes sense as they don’t connect the muscle to the lymphatic system in the chest wall. He says it will settle down. He also explained that my enlarged pores and dark hairs are due to that too and they will settle. He also thinks my implant has a bit of a capsule round it so thats why it isn’t entirely natural looking at the bottom but feels again it will either settle or they can do something surgically down the line. I feel okay about all this and think though I may be facing further surgery (in addition to nipple and otherside up lift) there’s no urgency and its more a tweaking thing than anything else.

I have then spent the last 5 hours trying to help husband fit loft ladder, in pain (woke with bad low back pain twinging which has moved into my hips and now into my hips and thighs), whilst speaking to 16 year old son on the phone who wants to leave miltary college and return home and has brought it all to a head tonight. I have ended up speaking to him, colleges here that he has approached, the college he is at etc all whilst trying to do the above and pay 10 year old some attention and not tell 20 year old (who is yet again sick from work) to get off her ar*e and pull her finger out before she looses her job.

I am so tired and feel so ill I keep wanting to burst into tears. I haven’t stopped since this round of kimo when last time I was sat on the sofa by 4pm at this stage due to low blood count hitting the floor.

I know its lovely that life goes on but this is one of those times when I need my youngest not to stick her bottom lip out when I ask her to put the kettle on and need my husband not to keep trekking in and out of the house trying to do DIY no-one is forcing him to do and let me put my feet up whilst he sorts out all the cr*p and cooks the tea.

Sorry, winging I know. I am now off to sit on the sofa and tell the world to bog off for a couple of hours. Might pop on later, xxx

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ostrich you are certainly not whingeing you and your family have to remember you should be taking it easy just now. it’s baby steps at a time for you and although you have had your op your still undergoing treatment that will knock u for six while medics pump ur blood full of poison. it must be such a hard time for u undergoing treatment and still having to run the family etc. again thats another example of probuably wanting to shout out and get them to notice you are going through a hard time. but you are doing great. i get times where when people complain about nothing such as going on and on about missing a bus where i think and what do u know what shit i have to deal with everyday yes u are correct its part of everyday life but u need to be looked after also. my mum was the same as u 12years ago when i was 20 and i thought i could do what i wanted and if i couldnt be bothered working i wouldnt. changed days now though with the mortgage to pay etc. just take it easy ostrich as u dont want to get stressed and then drain your immune system where u will make yourself more ill… p.s dont say sorry for not being on here as i know u come on when u can . we will all get there. and perhaps when we are all better we could try and meet up somewhere halfway as we have all been a great support for 1 another… take care ostrich and remember take time out for you love lainey xxxx

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Ostrich,what a pantomime going on in your house! I bet you wish you could eacape! Yes its good that life goes on but don’t let it stress you as your body is working hard with all that nasty kimo! Try to find some chill time for you.
Glad the surgeon is happy with your wound,hopefully it will behave now!
If your hubby is determined to do DIY you can send him round here!
Hope you get things settled for your son,it must be hard for you if he is not happy,could it be because he is away from you while you are ill?
Take care,
Love
Dot
x