mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

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Hi Ladies,

Glad to hear you are doing ok Dot. I have had bruises on my new boob since the op (or darkened skin), one in particular where a drain was and over the past day or so its got darker and the skin has softened on top and the tissue has become lumpy. I am trying not to think about it as I have so many other things to worry about but you can’t help it can you? If it keeps changing you know you should get it checked out. It could have been a bleed though you are quite a while on from surgery I suppose it could still happen.

Sounds like your weekend was nice. I love the idea of a wee hotel with a log fire!

I think it will take us all some considerable time to recover from having BC or the threat of it and its too easy to be hard on yourself thinking you should be coping better. Its a life threatening illness and a bigger shock to us than we probably realise so stuff is bound to leak out/upset us etc in ways we don’t expect. I am a far grouchier person than I used to be, and demanding!

Lainey, be kind to yourself. You have had to make a major decision and are facing major surgery. You are bound to get the wobblies and trying to carry on working/kids/family when you are under so much stress is bound to take its toll, x

I discovered whilst “washing my hair” yesterday that one of my wigs has developed a condition - contact frizz. Where my wig hair goes over my collar the “hair” is a bit frizzy. I washed it and its twin today for the first time and found the conditioner too late to have stopped some of the frizz (luckily its underneath and not visible from the back) and realised I should have been conditioning it a bit sooner which would have prevented it. The wigs came out fine thankfully but it was odd standing washing my “hair” in the sink without it being on my head! LOL!

I think part of my lack of issue with taking my wig off is, if I thought deeply about it, due to the fact that I am so NOT comfortable with how my body looks and can’t see when I am going to feel “feminine” or “sexy” again that its almost like a smoke screen - "look at me! I don’t mind not having hair! (but secretly I hate my body!!!). Thats not to say I don’t enjoy the “shock” factor and I think the smoke screen issue is quite small - most of the time its because I think - “I have nothing to be ashamed of and to be honest, part of me wants people to know that I am going through this whilst they rush around with their normal lives”. I like to make them stop and think - “Gosh! How amazing - she’s still carrying on with normal life, even whilst having treatment for cancer!”

Attention seeker or what, LOL!!

Had a busy day again yesterday trying to get stuff done pre-xmas and kimo. Took youngest to get her ears pierced before church as an early xmas pressie then spent the afternoon doing ironing, cooking, washing etc before putting the decs up as I know I wont feel like it this week. Sat and watched movie with youngest before falling into bed.

Off in a little bit to sit in hospital for 2 hours (jeesh!) to get bloods done and see Onc before going to watch 10 year old in carol concert this afternoon before going to docs to see nurse for wound dressing and pick up prescription for medical grade honey before going to watch 10 year old in second carol concert of the day before falling into bed to watch Mamma Mia with youngest as I’ve not seen it yet and OH has gone away today until Weds night. Oh and have to remember to drink LOTS to get my veins up for tomorrow as my vein is still playing up from last FEC!

Take care, xxx

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Just have to decide whether to wear my wig to the hospital or wear my Santa hat as a kimo hat! xx

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Dot, just re-read your post, stick on nipple eh? Is that from your BCN? Do let me know what its like. Are you getting it so you don’t have that odd half cold/half ? look? My nippleless boob looks odd under a tight top as you can see the round flatter bit where the skin was sewn on so I have thought about a stick on as a temporary thing. Be interested to know what you think of yours (I meant the stick on one but you can tell me about your other one if you like, LOL!), x

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LOL! Will let you know!

I am having one made to match my remaining nipple! How fancy is that? ,I thought I would get a generic off the shelf one!

I would think 2 stickies would be better as I will still have the odd half cold/half? look the other way round if you see what I mean.
I am just hoping it will make me see my new boob as a boob and not an alien being!

Off for relaxation,will try not to crash on the way home this week.
Good luck with bloods,concerts,dressing,honey and more concerts…geez I am knackered just typing all that!

Love
Dot
x

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hi ostrich you do have a busy day ahead of you. i love this time of year and all the carol concerts etc at the school. i love xmas so much. you are right to want others to stop and think while they are rushing around as you have came on so well. i know that feeling though as i am one of those people who stops and thinks when i see someone with cancer.i spoke to a lovely lady in hospital 1 day waiting to see surgeon and she had cancer and i can remember her talking about everyday things and she still sticks in my head as she was so positive and doing so well. i think i will have tattoos done for nipples either that or use excess skin from my butt goodness knows there is enough to create thousands of nipples. got my list of questions for next week. what gave me a wobbler was i had read that removing breasts reduces risks but doesnt eliminate it and it hit me that i will always carry the threat of cancer. i would feel so distraught if i developed it after prevevtative mastectomy as i would feel i done all that for nothing. but i know my risks are too high to do nothing. i woke up screaming last night as i had another dream where a surgeon told me i had cancer and i was telling myself not to cry as i will upset others. that part feels so surreal as i always wear a mask and prefer not to let my guard down for fear of scaring loved ones. i use the times im alone to do my crying as then i can deal with it. xx
dot have a lovely day and please be careful as im sure your car doesnt need anymore bumps and you certainly deserve to have relaxation class and to have a nice day . xx

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Hi Ladies,

Just a quickie (probably not knowing me) before I head down for kimo tomorrow (argh!)

How’s the new nipple Dot? I thought they were off the shelf too!! Hope relaxation went well and you got home in one piece!!

Lainey, could I borrow some butt for my nipple! Just joking, my ar*e is spreading like no-one’s business on this kimo/steroid/not working stuff so I could probably make my own plus lots to spare!

I can understand what you are saying re thinking mx will get rid of it all. I have odd pains in my recon boob and a little lump where a drain was but (don’t shout) I can’t think about it now (1) because how can it be anything more since I have no boob there (and I am vaguely aware it doesn’t mean it can’t get me there!) and (2) I am scared (I too had a strange dream last night when in it I woke up and saw a skeleton, just bones and nothing else) looking back at me from the horrid mirror wardrobes on my side of the bed, in my dream I asked my hubby if he was ok with me being a skeleton and he said “yes”).

I can’t really tell anyone how scared I am (apart from you guys). I “knew” when I was dx that this would not kill me. Now I am not so sure and worry about dying from this bloody disease! Let your mask down with us Lainey if you want too, I will try to understand and hopefully you can understand me, xx

Here’s my day…

Had a hell of a morning at hospital for bloods. Appt with Onc booked for 11am, always get sent for bloods first so wearing wiggy (decided against father xmas hat as had youngest’s carol concert at 1.45 and didn’t want to get stuck without wiggy for that as she would kill me) and scarf, coat etc in order to get veins to come out to play (have veins that run away from needles etc) I went upstairs to pathology dutifully at 11am and sat there until 12.30!!! By that time I was melting and fuming and wanting to rip wiggy off! Me and a old man both patiently waited whilst EVERYONE else came and went until the phlebotomist (pleb, LOL!) came out and said “I guess there are only people with numbers still waiting and no-one with an appt?” to which we both replied “NO!!! Been waiting since 11 (10.30 in his case!)”. Finally got in for bloods without passing out from the heat of clothing and wig and then rushed downstairs thinking my Onc’s tyrannical nurse would have binned me as a no show (even though I had checked in) and had been too afraid to go to the loo (therefore bursting!) or to see her (horrid nurse!) and tell her I was still upstairs incase I missed my bloods spot.

Sat looking nervously at watch at 12.45 knowing daughter’s concert started at 1.45 and reading sign stating Onc’s clinic was yet again running 1 and a half hours late and praying that meant from appt time (11 was appt with him) and not from getting down from bloods!! Having promised self to drink lots before tomorrow and forgetting to take any liquid with me I looked over to the WRVS coffee stall as tongue was stuck to roof of mouth and noticing that it was shut!!!

Hitler nurse came and went twice before I could utter a word before I managed about 2 syllabuls (she ALWAYS does that to me) before cutting me off and telling me I was next.

Got weighed and sent to a room to await almighty Onc at about 12.55 and thought “If I get out of here by 1.30 at the very latest I can still drive like a bat out of hell and get to concert”. Paced around the room (went to appt alone) until 1.15 when I was ready to cry as Onc and hitler walked past regularly and I tried to catch hitler’s eye in vain (during that time heard her talking to other women and partners saying “I never get chance to chat to you … yak, yak, yak” (she NEVER talks to me!!!))

I burst into tears at this point in rage/frustration/thirst/disappointment and decided that I was WALKING at 1.30 whatever and screw kimo! Tried and managed once to speak to hitler (well managed to say “I need to leave at 1.30 … daughter’s concert…” before she cut me off and said “Mr ? (not Onc) is working on your notes now and writing your prescription”

I waited until 1.25 steaming with impotent rage before Onc’s registrar (I think) came in and limply shook my hand whilst I wiped tears. I only managed to blurt out my tongue thrush last time and very very sore tongue (I’ll prescribe you something) and very very sore arm from chemo (we can use your other (mx) arm…no?.. we’ll keep trying with same arm, I’ll prescribe you something) before picking up my stuff and running to the ticket machine to find I had clicked over another cost slot and didn’t have enough cash!!!

I then ran at full pelt to the lovely hospital restaurant to pay £1.75 for the privilege of taking out my money before running back to the WRVS shop (now open!) and bying a bottle of coke before feeding the machine and driving like a woman possessed to arrive at the carol concert with a frizzy. knackered, wonky wig at 1.48pm!!!

That’s all before going to the docs later and then second carol concert!!

Told you I would be brief!!! I just needed to get that off my chest before I paint my smile on tomorrow and get poisioned and come home laden with enough drugs to start an illegal supply shop!!!

Hope you are both well, off to lie down in darkened room (thankfully its bedtime), xxxxxxxx

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hi ostrich i would have been so stressed out by that especially when you know you really have to be at the concert. i always picture my kids looking around at a concert and me not being there and them crying.my bcn sounds a bit like your hitler nurse. perhaps thats in the job requirements part of application. what a rip off £1.75 for your money. no wonder you are knackered. i hope all goes well for you today well as good as it can go anyway. however you should have mentioned that lump. i understand why you didnt though and i would prob not have either. how ridiculous eh when we know our risks? and we would be the 1st to tell someone else to get it checked out.xxxxx

i am desperate to get this operation over with honestly i have never been as scared in my whole life. when my son was born goodness nearly 13years ago he wasnt well and in icu and i was told his chances were not good and not to bring the pram out the shop anytime soon. i was terrified again with nasty nasty dreams and the same is happening now. it shows how stressed i am in my dreams as last night hubby,2 kids and undertaker were carrying my coffin in church and my son was screaming. im going to tell surgeon next week of how scared i am of not wakening up from op as i know thats whats getting to me along with everything else. what i would give to be told this was all a bad dream. think menopause is hightening things for me also.

dot i also hope you enjoyed your class yesterday and am keen to hear about the new nipple. are you okay? xxxxx

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Hi Girls,

Ostrich what a day! I could feel myself getting wound up just reading about your wait with the Onc! And I have a really comical vision of you flying into the carol concert at top speed ,wig askew! Although I am sure it was NOT funny at the time! My Dad always says “you will laugh at this one day” and I hope you can laugh at that image in the future.Its a saying that I can apply to most things in my life (except bereavement and BC!).I even laugh at my car accident now as I was just out of my relaxation class so have a vision of someone so chilled that they didn’t spot the other car! Not quite true but thats what everyone thinks when I tell them!
I hope today goes OK and you are able to carry all your drugs!
Is this your last poisoning before Christmas? Whens the next one?

My bruising has gone now so I will probably never know how it happened,may just have been some residual I suppose but I am a few months on now so its strange.

Where is your lump Ostrich ,I have a lump on my back at the rib end of my scar where a drain was.Is yours on your boob?

I had a lovely relaxation class ,then decided to do some shopping in Livingston on my way to St Johns for nipple appt!
It was bizarre at the hospital as I had to report to the maxillo-facial dept and did not want to say in front of the waiting room " I am here for a nipple" LOL!
I was called in and the man was lovely and really put me at my ease,he had a lovely dental nurse as a chaperone.(I bet she never thought she would be involved in nipples when she trained!). He put some pen marks on my remaining nipple the covered it in orange stuff to make a mould.Then mixed up some ? silicone to match the colour (using red blue green and orange!) My new nipple will be ready next week! Maybe I will wrap it up for Christmas! LOL!
Like you I hope to get a permanent one done at some point but this will help me decide for sure and make it look a bit less odd in the meantime!

While doing my shopping I developed a severe pain in my foot (the one that has had 2 ops to repair a broken bone!) so now I have something else to worry about!
Oh and after the leak in our rental flat we decided to bite the bullet and put in a new bathroom suite while the bath (green!) was out anyway and priced one in B&Q at £189.Went to order it the other day and its now £389!!!.The joiner was supposed to start on the soggy floorboards and the weekend but didn’t and will be starting tonight! Meanwhile the poor tennant hasn’t had a bath! Thankfully he goes to the gym!

Lainey ,sorry to hear you are also having nightmares,your poor brain is just over worked with all the thoughts going on.I hope your surgeon can put your fears about not waking up to rest.I have to say I was more worried about waking up, but in pain.However I have to say it was more “uncomfortable” than “painful” and the pain relief was plentiful.

I am starting to think some of my emotional ups and downs are hormonal.I have a mirena coil (surg has assured me I can keep it) so have had no periods for 6 years.But this week I have spotting and my lowest weeks have been a month apart!

I am having a lazy day today ,not going out.I will make cards,watch TV ,do a little tidying and rest my sore foot.

Hope you are both OK today ( hugs for the Kimo Ostrich)

Love n hugs
Dot
xxx

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Hi,

Lainey, Dot is right about your brain overworking. If you remember Jenny started this thread because she was absolutely terrified but she got through it and so can you, lots of love and hugs, do talk to your surgeon because he should be able to relieve some of your fears.

Dot, I am sure I will laugh about all my “hairy” experiences somewhere down the line! This is my last poisoning before xmas, the next is due on the 30th Dec so a rubbish New Years Eve for me! My lump is on my new boob between my nipple space and a dent where a drain was. Might mention it to the BCN today but also might wait and see what happens with it and speak to surgeon when I see him on 7th Jan.

You made me laugh re your nipple! Its true that these situations are funny - if you didn’t laugh you would probably cry! I can just imagine the faces in the maxillo facial dept had you said “I’m here for a nipple!” and I bet that dental nurse did go home and think “that’s odd, I must have missed the nipple lesson at dental nurse school”. You should defo wrap it up for xmas but how about giving it to your OH as a pressie :slight_smile:

I hope your foot is feeling a bit better today!

I have heard of prices going down but not up, unless it was on sale before!!! We did our bathroom last xmas and got a cheap white suite for about £200 (its the fixtures, fittings, plumbing, tiling etc that adds on cost) £389 is a huge amount of money for a rented bathroom!

Was your BC oestrogen/progesterone receptive? I don’t know what a mirena coil is but does it have hormones in it? Are you on tamoxifen or anything else? It might be a relief to find out that your emotions are connected to your periods because then you might be able to control them a bit.

Off to see BCN and then off to be poisoned shortly, will speak to you both soon, xx

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Hi Ladies,

Hope you are both okay today.

Went to see BCN and felt no better for it and ended up in tears after being told - it all takes time, it will settle, be patient (she even joked and said thats why we are called "patients SCREAM). The wound will heal, the lymphodema will settle…

After I wiped my tears I went for my 3rd FEC and a nightmare with my veins! I have had darkened sore inner arm after FEC 2 and hoped they would be ok, even sat with a microwaveable teddy bear on my arm before going in. Veins have gone hard and thinned and muscle around them wont let them get the cannula in. Eventually got a cannula in halfway up my arm towards my elbow and then, OUCH, sudden horrid pain. Chemo nurse went off to get a wheat bag whilst I sat with toes curled. She came back and decided that my vein had collapsed and leaked but that she didn’t think any of the E had gone into the tissue only saline! After discussion with head chemo nurse and me saying I didn’t want them to use my operation arm they tried again after sticking my hand in a bowl of hot water but no go. I had to let them have a go on my operation arm which did play ball except for the last 15 mins it really started to hurt and the chemo nurse said she could see it narrowing and hardening! Great!

They are hoping that by 4th FEC my “good” arm’s veins will have relaxed enough to have chemo and given me some steriod cream to massage my arm with and that my “bad” arm’s veins wont have decided not to play otherwise I will be looking at a pic line!

Sigh! Have had to take 8 tablets this morning to combat SEs and feel cra**py. My mum is coming over in an hour to check on me as hubby has been away since Monday and not due back till late tonight, I really don’t feel up to company and her lovely dog keeps pi**ing and cra**ping on my floor.

Love to you, x

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Ostrich
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Poor you! What a nightmare it must be when they can’t find veins.I guess the veins know whats coming and go hide! LOL!
I am surprised that they used your bad arm but then advice varies so much re lymphoedema risk.Its sounds like a nightmare ,being turned into a human pin cushion ,maybe a line would be a better bet? I understand you are probably thinking what will go wrong next and why can’t my body just behave!
I am so lucky not having to have kimo but I do feel for you and all the others who have to go through it.Mind you ,I worry because I haven’t had it that my BC will come back.There is always a worry ,no matter where we are in treatment isn’t there.I want my life back!

I wonder if BCNs and Surgeons realise how dishearteneing it is to be told “it’ll take time” when it seems to us to have taken forever already.My boob seems to be moving up towards my chin! I have a Posh spice type swelling out the top of my bra.My other boob just can’t compete! So its a chicken fillet for that side,depending on which bra I wear.

Found a bathroon suite for just under £200 in Focus which is 12 miles away but its better than £389! We could do without all this 2 weeks before Christmas!

The Mirena coil produces small amounts of synthetic progesterone.My BC was ER+ but was not tested for PR status.So that worries me a little.I had the coil put in 6 years ago (on 2nd one now) for horrendous periods,I was bleeding 3 weeks out of 4 and very very heavy.I shall keep a diary to see if my mood seems to be linked to hormones/cycle although as I don’t have periods it’ll not be so obvious.I am also on Tamoxifen for 5 years.

Hope your mums visit is OK,get her to do your housework while you relax on the sofa and don’t be afraid to say if you are feeling too sh*tty for company.
I hope you feel better soon,

Love to all
Hugs
Dot
xxx

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Hi Ladies,

Still feeling pretty rough today, lots of bad leg pain and very tired and icky.

Trying to be a bit positive thinking I will feel better in a few days and then only 3 to go! I can be patient, I think!

Dreading husband’s xmas party 300 miles away on Saturday. My eyebrows and eyelashes seem to be jumping ship so not only will I have to cope with feeling icky, wearing a wig, dress, new shoes, I may have to hope I can hold the eyebrow pencil and false eyelashes still enough to get them on in between sipping ginger beer so as I don’t puke!

Dot, when are you due to see anyone next about your boob - if its moving thats a bit worrying! They do seem to take such a while to settle. When I woke up from surgery my new boob was bigger than my old one and now its smaller! I am dreading wearing a frock on Saturday and have brought a stick on bra thingy and hope it wll present 2 similar boobs without digging into my back wound but who knows, what a nightmare it is!

Glad to hear you found a cheaper bathroom suite! You’ll probably end up spending the change on copper piping! Kitchens and bathrooms are the worst because the actual stuff seems cheap, its the hidden costs that bump it up!

I don’t mean to worry you further but I have seen a thread on here from women wondering whether their mirena coil had lead to BC, there isn’t enough research and it may just be coincidence but is your Onc ok with you staying on it? I was sterilized after my youngest (10 years ago) and dont have to worry. My hormones have always played havoc in my life (big time and caused me some REAL problems) and now that I know that my BC was strongly ER and PR I can’t help but wonder how much the hormones lead to where I am now and can’t wait for the menopause (chemo has NOT so far knocked out my periods only messed them up so if this dose doesn’t do it I will be quite happy for the tamoxifen).

Mum came yesterday and then again today for me to dog sit for an hour (which with cups of tea at either end ended up being 2 hours - I was knackered and haven’t managed to wrap a single pressie today (my plan so that the kids don’t go rifling whilst we go away at the weekend) and only managed to doze on the sofa this arvo).

Tomorrow I am seeing no-one, door locked, phone off and will try and get some stuff wrapped.

Son returns from college tomorrow night for xmas so that’s something to look forward to!

Lainey, hope you are okay honey and not working too hard and worrying yourself too much, xxxx

Take care, xxx

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hi ostrich, no matter what you will prob look stunning on sat night and you have came on so far esp taking to the new wig as well. it will be nice for you to have your son home also remember plenty of tlc for you. no wonder you are so tired as i know kimo can take it out of you. i havent wrapped pressies either but i def would if we were away for a night as i know my kids would snoop. that’s 1 good thing about menopause no periods. im dreading hrt in a way as i will be given bleed tablets as because im so young i need to have periods a bit longer so will enjoy the freedom just now.
i am working fri,sat,sun this weekend to allow me to have next fri off for hospital. what a thought. however i decided yesterdya pity help anyone who annoys me in work with their silly comments. visiting father in law tonight cant wait i love visiting him then im babysitting my nieces tomorrow night. they are all girls and the youngest is only 18 months so that will be fun. i may enjoy working on sat instead of being home with 5 kids that’s hubbys job this weekend. xxxx

dot what an expense at this time of year. my hubby works in construction so knows plumbers,elecs etc so when we replaced our bathroom suit it cost £400 for the suite and £100 to have it fitted. which was really good. hope you are well xxxx

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Hi Lainey,

Good to hear from you. Hope you enjoyed time with your FIL and enjoy your babysitting tonight. Take it easy at work, try not to toast too many inconsiderate callers, LOL!

Well plan to stay in today won’t work as youngest’s newly pierced ear (did them on Sunday) has erupted into big red scabby thing and going to take her to docs at 11 so that anything she needs can be given before I go away and not leave child with sore ear/raging temp or anything for eldest (20) to deal with. Have told her I probably wont be in my wig but will be the sick looking thing waiting for her in reception. She’s okay with that (thankfully as I couldn’t face the wig today).

Am going to try to wrap this arvo and hopefully stay awake (slept loads yesterday) so will pop on later. If not will try and pop on on sunday night and let you know how the do went!

xxxx

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Morning Girls,

Ostrich,hope you are feeling better today.Sleeping is good so if you need to sleep you do it! You will need all your energy for the “do” I hope it all goes well and there are no major mishaps (i.e dancing round your wig instead of your handbag or having to retrieve your stick on bra from the dancefloor!) I have bought a stick on bra too but haven’t worn it yet,let me know how it goes!
Hope DDs ear gets better soon.Hows the honey going? Is the wound getting better? Maybe try some on DD!
I do wonder about my coil but my surgeon says its OK to keep it ,I never saw an onc as I have not needed chemo or rads.I will question him again at next appt which is not till Feb. Unless of course my boob keeps heading chinwards! It might be my imagination as it softens but it seems that my implant is more noticeable on the upper inner edge of my boob.It does depend on my bra,whether I look like I have a matching pair or not! I know if I saw him now he would say “give it time”
So I will wait a while and see how (or where) it goes!
Lainey,Hope you had a nice at FILs and manage to survive the babysitting.It must be nice to have family around,especially little ones at Christmas time.I only really have my Dad who is 86 and needs TLC himself.OHs family have avoided us since my diagnosis so its awkward now as I don’t really want to bother with them now.But his Mum has invited herself for Christmas dinner! (I haven’t seen her since before BC)

Bathroom suite is on order for Sunday,joiner has done floorboards and joists so we are getting there.I have to get some lino over the weekend.Hopefully next week the tennant will have a bathroom!
Tomorrow we go to a local “estate” to get our christmas tree.We go to the same place every year ,its a great place and they are all freshly cut from the grounds.I usually get a wreath for the door too.Last year I was in a wheelchair so that was fun! At least this year I can walk and chose my own tree!
Christmas seems to be playing havoc with my emotions ,there was a school singing carols outside Sainburys yesterday and my eyes filled up! Anyone else noticed this?
I am off to see psychologist later so will see what she makes of my wibbly wobbly emotions!
Maybe its time for some happy pills! LOL!

Ostrich,have a lovely time at the “do” (will you keep the wig on? Or do a unveiling on the dance floor?) Make sure you don’t run after your son,let him look after you!
I look forward to hearing how it went.
Lainey,enjoy the babysitting and try not to work too hard.

Love
Dot
xxx

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Hi ladies,

Well back from exciting weekend and night away! (NOT).

Your post made me laugh Dot! Didn’t wear the stick on as decided couldn’t face strappy dress with possibility of back plaster showing so wore a nice chinese dress I’ve had for yonks - show leg not chest was my thought and apart from the risk of control pants showing at the top of the split seemed a safer option!

Hope you got your xmas tree! I love the smell of alive ones but hubby hates the needles so we have fake.

How did things go with the psychologist? ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I haven’t really been affected by xmas but I think thats because I am still in the middle of all this bleeding treatment and am just attempting to get through xmas. I can understand though as I am a sloppy sod normally but think as I am “ostriching” I am not letting it get to me - thoughts of what I might not have/have had/future/lack of etc are never that far from my mind and I do occasionally at the bottom of a bottle wallow in them but I’m too afraid to go there right now.

Lainey, how was the babysitting? How are you feeling? You are off to see the surgeon next week aren’t you? Are you working much in the run up to xmas? I guess it must be tough for you with all them people moaning about the cost of heating/credit crunch etc ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

OH came home from work feeling dreadful on Friday and getting man-flu, I had chemo fog still, son came home and promptly went to a party so me and youngest went to bed to watch the Incredibles and so my home was snoring from 10pm whilst son went and got drunk at a friend’s house.

Dosed OH up on lemsips and took steriods and anti-sickness on Sat morning and set off at lunchtime to get there in time to sleep. Arrived at very nice hotel and jumped on to huge double bed of my own (we had one each) and me and OH slept for a couple of hours.

I stubbornly had my “I’m staying at a hotel and WILL have a bath and use the freebies” bath washing my few head hairs and sitting in bubbles before taking next dose of anti-sickness and making another lemsip for husband.

Went to the bar for a drink pre-dinner (don’t know why I bothered as my taste buds have departed again and it could have been dishwater) and then managed to sit at the do for a couple of hours whilst husband popped in and out to try and cool down/heat up from his hot sweats and I sat there getting hotter in my wig and tighter in my control pants whilst politely making conversation as with either his employees or his boss!

We were back at the hotel by 10.30 and in bed by 11 with husband shuddering with cold and me sweating from steriods!

When we got up this morning he romantically said “We are NEVER having separate beds”. “Aw,” I thought, “Why?”. His answer - “Because I can’t reach you to shove you to stop you snoring when you are in a different bed!”.

He’s now snoring on the sofa fighting his man-flu whilst I hope and pray that my sore throat doesnt develop into anything horrid with my immunity about to fall through the floor!

xxx

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hi ostrich, what a shame you werent at that hotel while feeling better as it sounds lovely, i think everyone is getting that cold at the moment however it’s always worse when men catch it lol. i would have made the most of the freebies also.are you organised for xmas?
i went out today as i needed quite a lot for xmas however i nipped to tesco to get tv’s for kids rooms and when the lady said they were out of stock i burst into tears sobs and all. she didnt know what to say and i cried while paying for other things she kept asking if i was ok and i know everyone was looking at me. i was/am so embarrassed. my head is everywhere at the moment. hope you and dot are having a better day than me …xxxxx

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Oh Lainey! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Poor you,but I do understand, as I have days where I could cry at absolutely anything.As I said earlier ,it was a school choir singing christmas carols outside a supermarket last week! I sometimes feel that I don’t belong in the world that is going on around me.
I hope you get the TVs you want,(have your tried tescodirect).I am much less worried/stressed about Christmas than usual,I think I am too afraid to get stressed on top of my emotions as it would not be pretty! LOL!
I have to take my car in to get fixed today,so might do some retail therapy in Falkirk where the garage is.I’ll need to use satnav to find the shops!
Then I get my hair cut (sorry ostrich (((hug)))) ,mind you the wig is saving you the cost of a hairdo)

Glad the do went well,I am disapointed that you didn’t do an unveiling on the dance floor though! I hope you are getting better in time for christmas.It must be such a rollercoaster being on kimo.

Got my nipple yesterday and it looks great ,just have to work out where to put it.LOL! Its tricky as once in a bra my other boob lifts up and I end up with wonky nipples!
My boob looks much better with a nipple though.I wasn’t sure I would bother with a permanent one but I think I will at some point.

Have to go now but will be back later today or tomorrow,

Take care girls,

Hugs
Dot
xxx

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hi dot that’s brill your nipple looks well. it also allows you time to decide on a more permanet one. i will reconstruct 1 using skin from my backside or thigh. goodness knows i have enough. hope u have a lovely day today. i have never been shopping in falkirk so would def get lost lol. i tried tesco direct with no joy but i saw a plasma for son in asda so i will get that. i went out this morning to buy nightwear and selection packs for kids all the way to motherwell by bus as i dont drive and realised i forgot my debit card. so i had to practically beg the bank for money without id and they thought they were doing well allowing £50. so i will get hubby to pop out later for tv. im sure i left my brain in a supermarket a few weeks ago as im so scatty just now. i called tesco last night to say thank you to the staff from yest as they really looked after me. 1 even came upstairs with me while i completed my shopping to ensure i was ok. how embarrassing. anyway im going to hide more pressies, do housework then relax xxxx

ostrich how are you feeling today ? xxxx

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Hi Ladies, I am feeling a lot better today having got husband’s manflu on Sunday and woke up feeling dreadful yesterday and with a temp of 37.7 to boot.

Decided I wasn’t going to call the kimo unit as its a virus not an infection and I did NOT want to go into hospital again (I HATE THEM as I seem to spend so much time in them these days) so I spent a quiet day at home yesterday drugged up on lemsip etc. I was a bit of a emotional wreck yesterday though, crying at the doctors when they dressed my back wound. They are still insisting that now, 13 weeks since my op and 13 weeks with a hole, that I pay for my own dressings and take them and the medical honey I have to pay for to my appointments for them to dress it. I don’t want to have a hole in my back and am pretty pi**ed off that I have to pay for them to dress it for me. I think what with the steriod crash, feeling unwell anyway it was just too much for me and I spent lots of yesterday randomly bursting into tears. I am sooooo bored with having cancer/treatments/being ill/having a hole in my back and so fed up with being told “you’re so brave”, “tiny steps”, “one day at a time”. My BCN even said to me last week “Thats why we call you patients!” ARRRGGHHHH. You try being pricked/drugged/cut/dressed/bald/wonky/scarred!!!

Lainey, hope you are feeling better and hubby manages to get a TV, its nice that the staff in Tescos looked after you. Its horrid when you suddenly burst into tears in public and can’t really explain why but at least when someone helps rather than just stares it helps a bit.

I don’t know if I told you but when I went into Tescos after my NHS wig fitting and was morosley (sp?) pushing my trolley around I bumped into a friend from church who asked how I was - that was it - I just sobbed like a baby - she was so sweet and stopped and very quietly prayed with me right there and then (I am not that public about my faith and it was a first for me but showed her love for me above what others thought)!

If you find a spare brain in a supermarket let me know, kimo brain is severly affecting me. The amount of times I stand there thinking - did I put sugar in? etc etc! Scary!

Dot, I hope the car repairs go well and shopping is not a stressful experience, xx Glad to hear about your new nipple. How good is the stickiness? Does it stay put? Shame about it shoving your nipples off kilter - now men will stare at you for wonky nipples and not the one there one not look ! - one back for the hair comment, :wink: xxxxxxxx

Its nice to think that you can see somewhere down the line where you might feel normal. I am so unhappy with the look of new boob that I don’t care enough about it to get a nipple for it right now. It was a lot nicer post surgery and is now shrinking, wonky where the implant is on one side and softer and misshapen on the other side with a dent where a drain was. Being patient though I think - I’ll get it sorted down the line once I get over the treatments (thats IF I can ever face a hospital/doctor again, let alone anything to do with cancer even if only loosely related!

xx O