Hi all, this is going to be a bit of a novel I fear but I really really need to offload away from friends and family.
I’ve finished surgery, chemo, rads and now on Tamoxifen.
I’ve been OK on Tamoxifen so I don’t think this is related but of course it could be.
I’m totally overwhelmed all of a sudden. I think I was fairly emotionally numb over the whole active treatment phase and seemingly, even to myself, coping emotionally well. I had a few blips emotionally but nothign major, despite some bad SEs.
All of a sudden, after I’ve finished all the visits to hospital and things, I’ve started to feel really emotionally unstable.
To be fair we have a lot going on. We’re renovating our attic, we’ve had our roof off and replaced and now we’re doing it up internally, well my OH is and I watch.
In the meantime my Stepdaughter who is 12 has come to live with us because of problems and we’re sleeping in our living room so she can have her room (2 bed house, 1 bed is being renovated).
She is fairly traumatised herself at the moment due to probs at her mums and I’ve been her vent point for her emotions, someone to talk to and to care for her.
And we’re living off £60 a week for 2 adults and now 1 child. Not claimed benefits for her yet as she could have changed her mind and wanted to go back to her mums. We’re now going to have to tell her mum we have to claim tax credits and benefit for her because we can’t cope financially and she has this idea in her head that we’re loaded.
This is probably going to cause a huge row and it’s hanging over me.
I just feel like everything is collapsing in on me after being so “strong” and “brave” and “inspirational” through treatment and I feel really alone with it.
I tried to talk to my OH about it last night, well, about the things I’d heard his daughter say about life at her mums, it was upsetting the hell out of me but I couldn’t show this in front of her as I want her to have someone she can openly talk to who isn’t reacting in horror so she clams up.
It had really really got to me hearing all this stuff, i start telling him and he flips and says he doesn’t want to hear about it because theres nothing he can do about it and it won’t change anything. I pointed out that is how I feel but he can do something about how I feel hearing this coming out of his daughters mouth, and that is to allow me to talk to him about it so I’m not keeping it all inside. He said “oh so you want to pass that burden on to me do you, thanks” and I said “WOAH… she’s you’re X*R()£ child”
I felt really really angry and upset with him, all I’m asking him to do is let me let some of my feelings out.
He did apologise later, but I do feel like I can’t speak to him.
this is the cherry on the cake now and I just feel really really lonely. I’m scared of recurrence, I’m scared of the stress doing me no good, I’m really tired and i’m not resting as I should, I feel bad for stepdaughter, I feel angry at mother, I feel angry at OH and I’m scared about my future. I’m also feeling guilty for those people who are living with secondaries, I’ve had primary and have an 86% chance of no recurrence so it feels very self indulgent.
I hate cancer and how insidious it is, it doesn’t just destroy our bodies, it can destroy our emotions, our relationships, our hope adn our future.
How black am I feel right now? Grief.
I don’t know what I’d do without this forum as a vent, really.