Missing my darling Valley Girl

Dear All,

(Sorry - just read this back and far too long, and gloomy).

Whilst compared with some of the heroic struggles the amazing ladies on this website, and my beautiful Sue made, this will seem like self indulgent twaddle, I hope someone can help me.

Today was my 41st Birthday, and my first without Sue/ Valley Girl, who we lost on January16th this year.

Sue had been first diagnosed in 2003 and inspired everyone with the way she coped with invasive surgery, chemo, radio and increasing bad news on the spread of this filthy disease over the next five years. We never believed we would lose her (and therefore never had the ‘big conversations’), and, in the end, the final stage was - for Sue - mercifully short. Whilst I would have her back in heartbeat, it could not be as she was at the end.

My challenge is now dealing with life without her and I am finding that increasingly difficult. I am lucky in that I have a wonderful, loving family who adored Sue and want to be there for me now (we did not have kids…not sure if that makes it easier, harder - or just different). I have good, supportive friends, who continue to drag me out despite it being the last thing I want to do. I have an understanding employer who has given me plenty of time off and is cutting me a lot of slack now I am back in an interesting and rewarding job. I have a bereavement counsellor who is not afraid to give me a metaphorical ‘slap’ and helps me deal with things. I am reading a book by Joan Didion (‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ - recommended) which gives useful insights into loss.

…so I’m doing all the right things.

Most of all I had a beautiful, highly intelligent wife who made sure there were a number of things to keep me focussed…she left a series of projects which she knew I knew were important to her and would thus be very important to me.

However, these are coming to an end and I now find myself struggling. The word I keep coming back to is indifference. How can life have any meaning when I have lost my partner of twenty years and the person who gave my life meaning?

I have come to realise that grief is different for everyone and there is no rule book. However, if anyone has any thoughts or techniques to deal with the terrible emptiness I have inside I would really appreciate it.

I miss her so much, and I really don’t know how to build a life without her or even if I want to. I am certainly not thinking of throwing myself off a tall building…if nothing else, having seen the way so many ladies fight so hard for a full life it would be grossly self-indulgent of me to even contemplate the same…the future looks incredibly dark when I contemplate more than the ‘one day at a time’.

Again, apologies for the length of this note…and love to all those affected by this wicked disease.

There is never any need to apologise on this forum, it is here for all of us to vent whatever emotion we have.

I am so sorry for your loss. You deal with grief by one moment at a time, the first year is the hardest I am told.You remember the good times and the bad times, you ring your friends and you laugh about all the times you had with Sue. You have to laugh, or just start with a smile, Sue’s journey in life was not that long, but I’m sure she was strong in her battle, now it is your turn.

You must remember that your beloved Sue is with you, she has to be, she loves you. If BC takes me before I am old, I have promised my OH, that I will still always be with him (hmmm, I think I actually said “haunt” him).

She is still with you.

k

Hi

First and foremost can I just say I am so sorry for your loss. I only joined the forum a few months ago so didn’t “know” your wife but she was obviously an immensly strong woman who loved you dearly and wouldn’t have left you without fighting with all her might.

I don’t really know what advice to give other than I watched my dad go through agonising grief when we lost my mum very suddenly [not to cancer but she was only 52]. His pain was unimaginable, they were just starting to plan their retirement and looking forward to spending time together after raising 3 daughters in often difficult financial conditions. They had 3 small grandchildren who were the light of their lives and he was completely and utterly lost, at times we thought we would never make any breakthrough with him but slowly, slowly, slowly he started to come back to us.

As far as I can tell the only way to deal with such a massive loss is as you say “one day at a time”. The first year is particularly difficult because you all have to do everything for the first time without her. Her birthday, your birthday [hence why you are particularly low today], wedding anniversay, Christmas etc culminating in the 1st anniversary which will be a huge time for you.

Just remember its Ok to talk about her, laugh when you want to and cry when you want to. She will always be with you and she will always be the beautiful loving wife you loved and will continue to love.

Take care

AJxxx

Thanks for your thoughts and best wishes - much appreciated.

Dear Husband of Sue
I read you post and we seem to have a great deal In common I lost my wife to BC on May 5 this year and I will celebrate my 40 birthday in September and my beloved was also called Sue.
So I guess with those things that we have in common there are many things that we don’t have.
Currently taking some time away in New Zealand and I guess if I am honest I have just started my journey in coming to terms with my loss.

If it helps you and only if it helps you I would welcome you to share with me what really helped in those first couple of months.

For me it helped to get away and recognise with the help of a very good friend ways of being kind to myself. Also reading various books on the subject of grief by Kubler Ross and just relaxing. Also the sights, sounds and smells of NZ
I wish you well
Martin

Martin,

So sorry to hear of your loss. No matter how long the struggle before, nothing can prepare you for what follows.

In fact I went to Australia soon after we lost Sue, so (fairly) close to where you are now. Sue had asked that her ashes be scattered at Cremorne Point in Sydney - we had lived overseas for a time and this was Sue’s favourite spot - and we had a ceremony with some dear friends from Australia.

We spent a very happy Christmas in New Zealand and there are few better places to find some calm and peace.

I hear you re being kind to oneself. I find that very difficult to be honest, and it can be quite easy to indulge in a bit of self-flagellation (sp). I am sure it is not what (either) Sue would have wanted - not easy to avoid though.

I will look into Kubler Ross’ books too - thanks.

For me the first couple of months were all about keeping busy. The Australia trip included stops to see friends and family in Hong Kong and Singapore, and the cliche about paperwork was very true - there was lots to do. This avoided the point where you stop and ‘look at the walls’. All I suspect unhealthy as you can’t avoid that forever - it was just too difficult at the time. Now I am back at work I am conscious I never really gave myself that time - a mistake.

I was also determined to finish Sue’s projects off - amongst other things she had sketched a renovation of our garden in full knowledge that without it I would let it go to rack and ruin. She had also made some designs for a planned Tshirt business which I arranged for a run to be printed, and sent to friends and family, which were very well received. Our local race for life - which Sue took part in last year - was also a focal point.

Spending time with my family was hugely important, and the appointments with the counsellor were - whilst no quick fix - of some use.

Very obviously I was - and continue to be - motivated only by things which involved Sue and I. That is the problem for me now as I need to do things for me, and that brings with it feelings of loss/ sorrow/ guilt that Sue cannot share them.

I wish you well on your journey Martin. One feature which is obvious to me is that there is no rule book in these matters, and everyone deals with it in their own way. I hope you find peace without your darling Sue, and really appreciate you taking the time to write.

My best,

To Sue’s husband and Martin,

I just want to say that I am so sorry that you have both lost your precious wives to this cruel disease. My sincere condolences to you both. I also wanted to say that I am 32 years old and have been with my partner for only 2 years, before that I was on my own bringing up 2 children and living quite a lonely life. Since meeting my partner I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and can honestly say that it has been the happiest time of my life. I guess what I am trying to say is that although your wives were extremely unlucky to get this awful disease and lose their lives to it, they both sound extremely lucky to have had husbands who evidently adored them. Please find comfort in the fact that although their lives have been cut short, they sound as though they experienced love that many people never get to feel and that is a gift.

I hope I have made sense and I hope that you both go on to lead very happy lives in time.

Sinead x

Guys

My partner died after a car crash in 2000, he was only 38 and we had so many plans that never came to fruition. AJ is right in what she says about anniversaries/milestones in the year. R loved the idea of new year and i was never keen… i now loathe it!

Eight years on i can look back and remember without the pain but it takes all of us different amounts of time to reach that point and i know some people will always feel the loss with pain. In the first year i felt so lost that i sometimes rang my own telephone number to make sure it was engaged and i was still there. I have children so part of me kept going because i had to.

grief is a matter of each to their own but the trite saying of time being a healer is true for me. My children are almost flyign the nest - they are astonishingly lovely young men and i feel proud of what i have achieved with them. I have got together with someone i first met when i was 18 and the real beginning of our relationship, 30 years later, has been shadowed by my diagnosis of cancer and all that follows. My prognosis is good but whether I live or die I shall never regret loving the people i loved.

Your wives were lucky to have you, they will never leave you because they were with you and they are there in the dark nights, holding your hands and willing you to live on.

take care

J

Hi guys,
I am so sorry that you have both had to suffer the loss of your partners to this wicked ugly disease and I truly hope the pain soon leaves you.
I too am terminally ill with this s…tty bc and dread the day when it takes me from my loved ones, but when it does I want them to have a good life and enjoy it as much as they can safe in the knowledge that they have my blessing.
This forum has been invaluable to me over the past 4 years and now realizing that it will give comfort to my husband(Ian)is something that I am grateful for.
My wish would be that he always remembers how much I loved him and a tidy house!

Take care

Love Debsxxx

As a lot of you will know I lost my beautiful daughter Lisa, an only child, 3 weeks ago. The pain is awful and its all I can do to keep from going to pieces. I can’t find the words to explain how I feel and I break down several times a day … I try to keep up a brave face in front of others but when I am on my own its dreadful, I miss her so much being my very best friend too and we were always together…I saw her every day even before she was diagnosed with this awful disease. Life was always exciting when she was around even when she wasn’t well. She was one of those people who really did light up a room and lots of medics have told me they will never forget Lisa. I just hope the pain eases a little soon. So I know what you must have been through and still going through you two guys.
Simon, Lisa’s partner is beside himself, totally bereft and feels empty … he has lost his inspiration and his hope for the future … they had so much planned even after she was diagnosed as even with secondaries she didn’t expect to die for some years. Simon has in fact gone back to work today although he didn’t want to but he is talking about taking some time off soon because he doesn’t think he can cope with work just now.
One of the worst things for us is that Lisa was only diagnosed a year ago (May 3rd 2007) and so it was really unexpected that she should die so suddenly and so soon after doing really well. Although this site is for people who have breast cancer I continued to post on behalf of Lisa because she was so unwell at times ( mastectomy and brain op when she was in hospital for some time) and certainly towards the end when she was in hospital and I knew that people wanted to know about her. I have had such wonderful words sent to me on this site and it really helped. So I am pleased that you have posted Sue’s husband … people on here can be such a great comfort and come up with some really wise words. Maybe a thread ought to be started for loved ones of people with breast cancer who are too ill to post themselves. I have noticed that occasionally someone disappears from the site and often I have wondered if they are too ill to post but it would be nice to keep in touch via a loved one and maybe it could even be a help to others in the same position.
Because Lisa was an unusual case I was hoping that what I wrote about her would be some help to others. I have yet to have results of her post mortem which I will post when I get them.
Hope you get lots of replies and keep posting. How about a thread for loved ones?
Love Sue x

Hi Valleygirl,

I’m 31 and I too lost my wife to breast cancer 10 months ago (I was 30 and she had just turned 34).

I received a wealth of support from the amazing people on this site. If you do a search for comments made by ‘Taz76’, you should be able to read some. I hope it helps.

And to Zotam: I don’t know if Simon reads this site, but maybe it’s worthwile having a read of my post and letting him know, as we seem to also be similar ages and have lost similar inspirational women.

All I know from reading this site (still 10 months on), is that cancer takes the most amazing people. How it does that I will never understand…

All the best,

Taz

Hi Valleygirl’s partner

January is such a short time ago and grief indeed needs time. I don’t think we ever ‘get over’ the loss of someone we love but I think time changes perspective in surprising ways.

I think Joan Didion’s book is beautiful (and I am so cross that I was unable to get tickets to see Vanessa Redgrave in the play based on the book at the National Thetare.)

For me, and perhaps for you, reading helps me deal with difficult stuff. C.S. Lewis wrote a moving short book called A Grief Observed and though much of it relates to his religious faith it is I think a wonderful book for anyone suffering after the death of a loved one (I’m not religious.)

Also recently I have read what for me was a mesmerising book by David Reiff, the son of the US writer Susan Sontag. Called Swimming in a Sea of Death it is a beautiful and painful memoir of his mother and of his feelings that he was never able to have those ‘big conversations’.

Go gently on yourself…and remember that somtimes it is OK to say ‘no thanks’ to those supportive friends who keep wanting to drag you out.

best wishes

Jane

Simon would love to read your posts Taz. Everyone he has met recently are a lot older than him and I think it is good to know someone else is in the same situation. People tend to say to him that he will move on and get a new life and things like that but at the moment he just wants Lisa back and life as it was as he says himself that life was perfect as it was and he doesn’t know how he is going to cope without her. However I can’t seem to find any of your old posts …you can only seem to find them by knowing the titles not the names of who sent them …That is why I started most of my subject title with the name ‘Lisa’ so that anyone interested would know who it was and could look it up later…or even I could find it easily …what was you and your wife’s story? With Lisa the end was so sudden and such a great shock when she was doing so well. Maybe there are things for others to learn by the death of our loved ones … I do hope so because it would help in a strange way if I thought Lisa’s early death helped someone else.
Sue x

Hi Sue,

I think I found it:
breastcancercare.org.uk/bcc-forum/discussion/15384/

Or if that doesnt work, do a search under ‘comments’ made by taz76.

To Valleygirl, maybe its worth a read too as I know the pain is all to similar in your situation.

Taz

Thank you Taz … I have found it now … and I have passed it on to Simon. Such a lot is similar to Lisa but unfortunately as she died so suddenly and after only one year since dx she hadn’t made any plans and that has been so hard. She honestly thought she had longer and so did we and the medics. But like Lara, Lisa too was in hospital 2 weeks and had the awful breathing problems on her last day. They seem to think that a mixture of infection and cancer cells were circulating around her brain and causing swelling. We hope the post mortem comes up with the reason. Lisa too was beautiful … truly lovely, everyone who knew her says how attractive she was with the widest grin and beautiful eyes. The last few days she lost the sparkle/life in those eyes as she couldn’t see very well and had complete palsy in her face and so lost her grin. It was as if someone was practicing black magic and putting pins into a doll and taking her best features. She too had a very puffy face which she hated but was absolutely convinced that she was going to come out of hospital Ok. She only went in because of the excruciating pain she was getting in her neck and they said they could manage the pain for her. Its this that still haunts Simon.
Two years ago they had such plans like you and Lara … they got engaged last Easter (07)and were going to get married in the Autumn but after the dx of cancer Lisa wanted to wait until she had hair again… so they planned for this Autumn coming … then in Feb they discovered 2 brain tumours … and it all went downhill from there. I have posted all about her as it happened and the name ‘Lisa’ is in all my subject headings. They had an extension added to their house and had originally planned a family this year or next.
Simon may write to you … its all so raw for him at the moment … he went back to work yesterday for the first time since Lisa died. She died 3 weeks ago yesterday … we were with her and had been sitting with her around teh clock for 5 days … the worst day of my life and I can’t imagine anything ever being worse than watching my beautiful girl die. Simon was totally bereft and inconsolable. If only we had half expected it. We knew she had terminal cancer but no one prepared us for it so soon. When she had her brain op the surgeon said it may only be a year but as she was so well afterwards he didn’t believe this. I feel so cheated that we didn’t get the summer at least. It was like a nightmare that we were hoping to wake up from. In the 3 short weeks we have been through so many emotions as you will well know. I am sure that reading your posts will help Simon … just to know that there is someone else just like him and who knows exactly how he feels.
Thanks again Taz for taking the time to write … love to hear from you again should you feel like it.
Love Sue x

Hi Sue,

To be honest I don’t know what to say. You are right in that Lisa did not have time to make any plans. But then I think about your gorgeous girl and realise that whilst she suffered, she suffered relatively short. It is one thing to have more time with a loved one, but to watch my wife go through 2 years of secondaries, with INTENSE pain, and watching her body become ravaged by this disease oh so slowly was simply torture. Sometimes I look back and say yes we had more time to enjoy, but this came at the expense of horrible, horrible days and nights of pain, fear and loneliness. You just can’t win either way!

Reading your words about how the cancer took Lisa’s ‘best’ features really hit me hard, as I could relate totally to this. The other thing is when you say if only you had half expected it. I have thought this many times. To lose someone slow or to lose them quickly - both are intensely painful, but I feel that the good thing is Lisa probably really didnt have to spend so long worrying about death itself. She was too busy living life with her beautiful optimism. One of the things I found about experience is that when a relative dies so suddenly, its much easier on the person that passes away, and leaves a massive shock to the survivors. Conversely, when somebody dies a very slow and following intense suffering, it’s much harder on the person that passes away, but easier (from the point of view of preparations only) on the survivors. I know in my situation, I would have much preferred my wife to have been spared the suffering she had been spared many, many times. There were times I remember her begging for God to take her.

What I am trying to say is no matter how much you prepare, it really hits you just as hard. And if quality of life is not good, then really what is the point of more time if only for that person to suffer intensely, both physically and mentally. Just something that I pondered and I am not even asking for an answer. Everyone has their own belief.

Now for the main point of my post. You are truly an amazing woman. You probably don’t feel it but you did everything possible, and more to be the protector and carer of your Lisa. You are the epitome of a perfect mother that somebody could ask for and as powerless as you feel for losing her, remember that you made her short life so happy, you made her smile and you were clearly one of, if not the best, thing in her life.

I honestly believe Lisa see’s you every day, and will forever remain connected to you. Just keep reminding yourself, and Simon too - that the cancer took whatever it could, but it couldnt take your love!!

In my wife’s own words that constantly echo though my head, she used to tell me ‘I love you so much. The cancer took everything from me but I am so glad it couldnt break us up’.

Love goes on Sue. Remember to remind Simon about this. How he was the light of Lisa’s life and thank GOD she got to experience the love that many in an entire lifetime never find.

I hope I make some kind of sense.

Lots of love to you and Simon and please let him know that at least one person out there knows what he is going through. I never believed anyone could love someone as much as I loved my wife, but it’s obvious now I was wrong.

Taz

Dear all,

Thanks so much for the comments on this thread. I have read the messages several times and it just reinforces what an arbitrary and wicked process it is with this wicked disease, which has taken so many extraordinary young women.

K - I hear you re keeping tabs on your other half. Sue comes to me in my dreams, and she is perfect. No oxygen canisters, no wheelchair, no bandana…just beautiful. It’s the best part of my day.

Sinead/J - thanks for your kind words, which were a real comfort. Sue was loved everyday that she was with us and that is what is most important, not what comes after.

Jane - I am seeing Vanessa Redgrave and ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ a week on Monday. A tough, and hopefully helpful night. Agreed re CS Lewis…a very raw, and powerful read.

Sue/ Simon - so sorry to hear of your loss. So very hard at this time, and no comfort I can give you. I hope Simon is going OK at work…small steps at this stage.

Taz - so very brave of you to put your heart out on these pages. What an amazing lady LaraC must have been too. We are all truly blessed to know such extraordinary people.

Martin - thanks again and adding ‘Bucket List’ to the list. Someone quoted me a line from Abe Lincoln: ‘It’s not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years’. I think we all have seen how true that is.

So, here’s the thing I am struggling with.- and I am sorry to be so negative after the inspiring messages…this is just how I feel. Taz had the amazing Lara C, Martin and I had our beautiful Sues, Sue and Simon had their wonderful Lisa. As they were all and everything to us how can we possibly build a life without them? Isn’t it so difficult to be motivated to do anything that is not related to (in my case) Sue?
And…I’m off and running now!!..I was at a BBQ last weekend with friends from school who know me better than most, and who loved Sue dearly. We sat around and made small talk AND DID NOT MENTION SUE ONCE!!! Now I am sure that is with the best intentions…not to upset me etc…so the wrong thing to do though. I don’t want to move to that place where Sue is not the main part of each and every conversation…as she was when she was with us. OK, not all the time…not one mention though?
And people talking about ‘moving on’. Yeah, easy to say - do you want to try it?!?! I didn’t want/ choose to try it.
I think I’ve said enough, and been miserable enough. It’s just that this stuff is so damn hard and (a big) part of me feels bad about not being miserable.
Anyways, off to a far too big and lonely bed, looking forward to some sweet dreams.
Love to you all

Rob

Rob

You are haveing a tough time and it is a very personal journey that you are on.

For me what I hold close to my heart is the fact that I know Sue would not want me to be unhappy and to go on with my life.

I wish you well.

Martin

Hi to you all,
my husband Donald died of stomach cancer 1986 he suffered and fought the most couragous battle for 2 years. I was only 35 with two daughters aged 16 and 4. I was a licensee of a very busy pub which on the one hand was good plenty of company and surrounded by lots of people but at the end of the day when I locked up turned out the lights and went upstairs I was alone. It was a living hell and yes a bed that had at times not been big enough was huge. Because Donna-Marie was only 4 I made sure we always talked about her daddy friends didnt find this easy at first but did manage it after several reminders that it helped me as well.
The waves of grief were unbarable just when I felt I was handling life without Donald something would happen and I would be floored. Ten years later I met Ian and he was so different from Donald or maybe he wasnt anyhow I fell in love and my daughters were both pleased for me. We married in 2004 one month after I was told I was terminally ill with bc. My first thoughts were ''oh my God I am going to put Ian through all that pain." We talked about it and he said I had coped and eventually so would he. Donna- Marie is the one who has had to deal with grief for most of her 26 years she is a beautiful sweet kind soul I know it will be really hard for her but I am sure she will cope. Two years ago she was married to James and just befor we walked her up the isle she said to Ian and I “if I could have daddy back for one hour this would be th one” My reply “dont worry I know hes here and is so proud of the beautiful young women you have become just as I am”
Please forgive me for waffling on what I am trying to say is the pain will become bearable and you will never feel that they have totally left you.

Love Debsxxx

When I lost my mum in a car accident 17 years ago when she was 52 I thought life would never get back to normal and pretty much it never has, but was has happened is with time we have built a new normal. This is very hard because you feel that you shouldn’t be living without them [moving on as people say] but you will slowly start to realise moving on doesn’t mean leaving them behind, you take them with you in your heart and in your head, they are never more than a thought away and they will stay with you forever.

We all still think about mum every day and we talk about her whenever we want, she is not and never will be a taboo subject. There are times that are still so hard, like seeing your daughter dressed up for the Prom or watching your son drive off in his new car hating the fact that she has missed all their lives and they have missed having her in their’s but I know she is there and she always will be.

Your partners were very special people and that is the way they will stay.

AJxxx