Dear All,
(Sorry - just read this back and far too long, and gloomy).
Whilst compared with some of the heroic struggles the amazing ladies on this website, and my beautiful Sue made, this will seem like self indulgent twaddle, I hope someone can help me.
Today was my 41st Birthday, and my first without Sue/ Valley Girl, who we lost on January16th this year.
Sue had been first diagnosed in 2003 and inspired everyone with the way she coped with invasive surgery, chemo, radio and increasing bad news on the spread of this filthy disease over the next five years. We never believed we would lose her (and therefore never had the ‘big conversations’), and, in the end, the final stage was - for Sue - mercifully short. Whilst I would have her back in heartbeat, it could not be as she was at the end.
My challenge is now dealing with life without her and I am finding that increasingly difficult. I am lucky in that I have a wonderful, loving family who adored Sue and want to be there for me now (we did not have kids…not sure if that makes it easier, harder - or just different). I have good, supportive friends, who continue to drag me out despite it being the last thing I want to do. I have an understanding employer who has given me plenty of time off and is cutting me a lot of slack now I am back in an interesting and rewarding job. I have a bereavement counsellor who is not afraid to give me a metaphorical ‘slap’ and helps me deal with things. I am reading a book by Joan Didion (‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ - recommended) which gives useful insights into loss.
…so I’m doing all the right things.
Most of all I had a beautiful, highly intelligent wife who made sure there were a number of things to keep me focussed…she left a series of projects which she knew I knew were important to her and would thus be very important to me.
However, these are coming to an end and I now find myself struggling. The word I keep coming back to is indifference. How can life have any meaning when I have lost my partner of twenty years and the person who gave my life meaning?
I have come to realise that grief is different for everyone and there is no rule book. However, if anyone has any thoughts or techniques to deal with the terrible emptiness I have inside I would really appreciate it.
I miss her so much, and I really don’t know how to build a life without her or even if I want to. I am certainly not thinking of throwing myself off a tall building…if nothing else, having seen the way so many ladies fight so hard for a full life it would be grossly self-indulgent of me to even contemplate the same…the future looks incredibly dark when I contemplate more than the ‘one day at a time’.
Again, apologies for the length of this note…and love to all those affected by this wicked disease.