oh cherub!

Sending you a warm enveloping hug - this bl**dy thing is horrible, i think we all wear the “I’m Fine!” mask - but iside we are all a mass of fears and bad thoughts. Am so please that you’re 3 yrs of NED so far, I am still in treatment can’t wait to have those letters!


I am going for my bilateral mastectomy tomorrow thurs, GP has given me some Diazipam to help me to relax and so aid sleep. I have just read your posting. A good friend of mine sent me a note it also seems adequate for you at this time. Here goes

Don’t Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, when the road your’re trudging seems all uphill,
when the funds are low, and the debts are high, and you want to smile but you have to sigh
when care is pressing you down a bit, rest if you must but DON’T YOU QUIT
Success is failure turned inside out - the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and you never can tell how close you are, it may be near, when it seems afar
so stick to the fight when your’re hardest hit…

Its when things seem worst that YOU MUST NOT QUIT!

Keep strong Cava I know times get hard, they are for me at this moment in time, but we will get thro this hard time with happier times to follow…promise!!

luv Ang x

Cava it’s horrible, what a sad weekend you’re facing. How cruel that so many anniversaries coincide. Your closeness at the end leaves you with warm memories and you draw some strength from these. I feel for you and hope the sun shines for you soon.

We don’t know, do we… we just don’t know.

I’m 52 and early in this horrid ‘thing’, had surgery, finish chemo next week. I’m fed up with it. Fed up with my eldest D 22 and her father and my lovely chemo nurse telling me how well I’m doing. They see the outside, falsely bright, coping, grumbling a bit but hey, I kept my hair so it’s all pretty good, huh? It’s too much hassle to talk about how I feel.

Last visit to my oncologist I asked when the transition is made from “I have” to “I had BC”. He said, you can already say you HAD it. You don’t any more. You had successful surgery, you’ve sailed through chemo, you’ll have rads and hormones and everything that could possibly be done for you will have been done. You’ll have yearly mammos for a while.

So why do I worry about every new mole? Is it in my skin? When my piles bleed from chemo-induced constipation or diarrhoea. Is it in my bowels? When I get a cough. Is it in my lungs? When I pile on weight. My liver?

A dear colleague in his 40s was dx with brain tumours in April, just after my op. His funeral is on Friday. I’ll go back to work, I guess, after rads. He was one of the nicest people I ever met, he got ill after me and it’s killed him. The guilt of surviving is irrational but I can’t shake it off. Some days I don’t even want to be ok, the days when the teenagers are too difficult, when money worries are too much, when sheer lack of energy and focus make getting dressed a huge test… and coming here for the first time in weeks and reading of more tragic young lives destroyed by this b****r of a disease… the rising publicity about this blasted Pink month leaves me cold when so overwhelmed by pessimism.

Be gentle with yourself and know we are thinking about you and wish you well.

All i can say is thinking of you, I have my husband and mother in laws loss close together and its hard but sometimes makes me fight harder to try and enjoy what they lost but other times so hard.

Thinking of you


Love the last comment ca-va hope you feeling better xx Eileen

Was very moved to read your post-and wish I could hug you in person. But failing that, sending some virttual hugs your way at this nightmarish time. I’m glad that the day dawned a little brighter for you and that you now feel able to carry on.I think the anniversaries are always particularly hard times-not only do we grieve the loss of our loved ones, but we fear for our futures too.
My Mum died of breast cancer on her 50th birthday (which is 2 days after my birthday, so I prefer birthdays now to be quite low key). My father, father in law, and favourite uncle all died of differing form of this c*** disease withing 2 weeks of each other, so I can relate up to a point to your feelings at the moment.Simply overwhelming…Take care,x

Many hugs sweetie. How sad that the anniversaries of their death all fall together in time - and therefore are piled together in memory and missing them. It is a tribute to you that through so many of them you were there, holding their hands, hugging, being the rock for them in their time of trouble. I held my Mother’s hand as she drew her last breath; I replay it in my mind regularly. The should, could, wish I had, what if I had game of reliving the moment when in reality it is about my missing my best friend.

Sunday is fast approaching. Just know that there are many who are lifting you in prayer so that this day will not be so awful. I have come to think of my parents and my mother-in-law, all of whom OH and I took care of until their death, as the saints in my life. Those people who I looked up to and admired; I can keep them alive in my heart by honoring their memory in daily living. I have drawn independence and open mind from my Dad; loving kindness and a strong faith from my Mom; perseverance from my mother-in-law (present) and humility from my former MIL who passed away quite a few years ago. Perhaps you will have a rainbow of character from your saints as well.

Wishing you all the very best

Hi, my dad died on 16th October 2005 after a long struggle with dementia. I was diagnosed with BC on the 5th October 2006 a month after being told my test results were clear.

My dad was originally from Belfast and I have never been there as my dad stopped going after both his parents died in the early 60s. I’m going over there next week for 4 days as I think this will give me some closure on dad’s death and help me to move on from my own situation as I am now very ready to get on with things again. I am looking forward to going as I haven’t been away since last October. I also have something of my dad’s to throw in the water there as I feel a part of him needs to go home.

When I was waiting to have my lymph node surgery done, I had a dream where I said to my dad I had found a lump and would maybe be visiting him. He replied I was being silly and it would be a very long time before I would be visiting him again. I also had another dream about an aunt on that side of the family my dad was close to, she died about 10 years ago. In the dream I was on the phone to her and she said my dad had told her I wasn’t very well, but she wanted me to know I would be all right. I like to think of both of these things as omens. When my dad was going into care I had a dream about my late mum coming to tell me we had to be strong as a family and pull together to get us through dad’s situation.

When I was at my worst I used to hear my dad saying “you just have to keep going” and that was what kept me positive.

Hi Cava

Just wanted to say that you were justified to feel as you did and you absolutely did the right thing to come on here and rant. This site has saved so many of us from such great despair.

My own ‘I’m fine’ mask is fitting pretty good too today (it’s my 2nd yr aniversary of diagnosis and I’m still here), no doubt it will slip in time, but I know that there will be a repair kit, ready and waiting on here for me with the label ‘When feeling sad, frightened, lonely or angry, apply BCC adhesive to help stop mask from slipping’


Hugs cava. Glad that your day wasn’t as stressful as it could have been, and pleased for you that you feel some kind of closure-that’s a good step forward for you,x

the english word for erica is heather i think



((((((0)))))) for cava from Turkey where I am at presentXXx