Moulting, aches and pains and trying to ignore blind panic

So my hair is starting to fall out - and I really don’t know how I feel about this because it is a big part of my style. I’ve been fundraising ahead of my “big hair bye bye” on Sunday and want to believe I kinda feel ready to get rid. I know it’s going to be horribly emotional (for my friends and family who are coming to the shaving party as well as me) but I need to take control of something. However, as someone who has had distinctive red hair (dyed) for several years, I know it will be… Weird, scary, terrified how I will handle it…

 

I’m full of aches and pains - my upper back starting aching overnight a couple of nights ago and although it goes off over the day time, it’s made my nights pretty grim. I have a CT scan today so am hoping that doesn’t pick up any cancer elsewhere. I also have an ultrasound for a small swelling that came up on my arm (inner  elbow) last Thursday and which I’ve seen doctors about twice and they have no idea what it is but my oncologist has now seen it and wants it investigated so that’s another appointment. It could be a clot in which case I would need to self inject daily with blood thining drugs (I still don’t know how I managed to give myself a test injection yesterday) or it could be… I don’t know how tithing about it. It could just be because I’m getting the chemo aches and pains and that I have an old mattress that probably should have been replaced some time ago… I’m trying so hard not to be panicked…

 

But inside I am TERRIFIED. I’m terrified of the cancer, I’m terrified of letting everyone down, I’m scared of my own body and my emotions and trying hard to ignore them because … The alternative of letting them out too much makes me more scared.

 

and I know I am being irrational. My oncologist reckons the lump has softened after my first chemo session and that it is smaller. Oh and I’m Herceptin negative.    But I’m just not quite hearing the positive news.

 

any advice? Or just a bit of reassurance from those who are ahead of this experience? It doesn’t help that nearly everyone I see on here seems to have had surgery first and chemo second whereas I’m going the other direction. It all feels … Too much…

Hi Lisa Mary,

 

sorry about the hair, mine is moulting too. It makes you itch, doesnt it? I think your fund raising is a great idea, im just letting mine go in its own time…with minimal washings.

 

re the self injecting…hope it doesnt come to that, but if it does, then you WILL cope!   I have always hated needles, thought I could never do it…but now have been doing it for almost three years. They teach you how to do it in the tummy and often I dont even feel it.

 

good luck with the scan…it may be that the aches and pains in the back are due to general stress over your situation. When I recently was started on chemo…I had all manner of symptoms which went away after the chemo started…headaches, upper back aches, painicked id lose my hair, worried about chemo side effects, etc, plus sciatica too. I am pleased to say they all went away after a while.

 

re the fear…we all struggle with that…sometimes it seems so very real and logical…its a tricky beast. E.g,

I hate the hunt for a vein but yesterday I actually managed to distance my arm/and the stabbing from the rest of me, as if I was watching from a distance…I cant always do that tho.

 

Hearing the positive…now thats a good idea, if you can try to revisit that and hold on to it…I took a friend along last time i got bad news…they said the tumour had grown by 3 millimetres( in June) I came out panicking they’d said 3 centimetres! Luckily the friend had written it down and I felt much better.

 

i think its often true that the fear is worse than the reality…its the unknown. But good you can share it here, we are all in the same situ and sharing ideas is good for all of us.

 

Moijanxx

 

Oh and I had chemo first then surrgery…often it can mean less needed to be removed, ie smaller surgery, but mine didnt work out that way. However, it gave me more time to plan my options …

hugs,

 

Moijanx

 

Thank Moijan - really appreciate the rational voice. I’m always a bit worse when I’m on my own (waiting for a friend to pick me up to go to appointments today). I know that’s crazy. I need to keep myself more busy…

Hi Lisa Mary, i sooo understand, I do it too. Its not crazy, and sometimes we just cant help it!

Glad my thoughts are useful. I think most of us, cancer survivors or those without ca, all do it more than we admit! Its quite the human condition.

 

hugs

 

Moijanxx

How did the hair byebye go? I had an mri this am and mine is all over the place…i was quite itchy in the scanner!  Keep us posted, have you a wig, or are you going ‘naked’ 

 

im waiting for my wig, but have seen some lovely scarves

 

Moijanxx