Mum has passed on

Hello everybody

hope everyone is doing ok. Please excuse the spelling on this post, I am writing this from my mobile phone. I posted a couple of weeks ago regarding my mum and not coping. Mum had now passed away. She died on Thursday last week. I miss her so much. She was only 58 and I only just turned 30 in August. I feel I am too young to loose her. I just don’t understand why this has happened. Her cancer was diagnosed at such an early stage a couple of years ago. Why has this happened? I have a sister as well. Does that mean we will also get it at some stage. I don’t know who to discuss this with. She suffered so much just before she died. Her cancer spread to all her major organs. I don’t know how to go on without her. I wish she was here. When and how should I get tested. Please help.

Hello Snazzy27,

First of all please accept our condolences on the loss of your mum. Please do contact the helpline here and have a chat with one of the nurses about the way forward with screening for yourself and your sister. Calls to the helpline are free, 0808 800 6000, open M-F 9-5 and Sat 9-2

I have put for you below the link to BCC’s publication regarding breast cancer in families which you and your sister may find helpful to read.

breastcancercare.org.uk/healthcare-professionals/publications/quick-order-list/*/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/70/

Take care, kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator

Hi Snazzy

I’m so sorry to hear your news. I totally understand what you’re going through - I lost my mum in '99 when I was 33, you’re right, it’s far too young to lose a parent. I’m just dashing off to work but wanted to send you love and support and I know you’ll have lots of friends along soon to help. Please feel free to PM if you wish. I’m so sorry for your sad loss. Lots of love. Cathy x

Hi

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. I lost my mum when I was 35 and knowing how special mothers are, I think losing them at any age is very hard, especially when it is hard to know what happened to make them so ill so quickly.

You have a lot of questions you need answers to and to start with, there is a wonderful organisation that offers free counselling (over the phone is you live outside London) to anyone who has been affected by cancer. I would ring them and pour your heart out. They will help you make sense of what has happened and help you work out who you need to talk to to get the answers you need.

Here is the link
cancercounselling.org.uk/services

So sorry to hear your news…:frowning: My dad died when i was 25 and it is so hard to lose a parent when you are still young…

Sadly breast cancer can be so unpredictable and unfortunatly sometimes if a few cancer cells have escaped it is still possible to have a bad result even when the initial results seemed so promising… For example alot of people don’t realise that Caron Keating (Gloria Hunniford’s daughter) had a grade one - no spread tumour when first diagnosed…

Only about 10% of breast cancer is linked to a family problem - so unless your mum had alot of relatives who also had it or ovarian cancer your sister and yourself should be okay - although i am sure you will both now be looking out for anything strange anyway…

Take care

Theresa x

So sad to hear your news. I lost my Mum to breast cancer when she was just 64 and I was 38. It was some years ago now but the feeling of being lost and alone remains.

Take Care

Andie

So, so sorry to hear the news of mum, Bc is no where in my family, yet I have it, and my mum sufferers severe rhuematiod arthritus and i worry about me leaving her, and her not coping as im her carer.
So sorry again, make sure you come back on here and have a good chat
keep talking.
Julie

so sorry to hear about your mum, loosing your mum is never easy whatever age you are, mums are so special! love and prayers to you and your family, Debs xxx

My thoughts are with you and your sister at this awful time

My mum died from cancer when I was 26 back in 91 and I still feel the loss today.

She will always be part of you and your sister though and that will never change, those we love, who touch our hearts are always with us

Love to all you family, look after each other, Alex xxx

Just wanted to send love and tell you you are in my thoughts.
My mum died 2 years ago, and I know she is OK now but our loss is huge. One day the sweet memories will outweigh the grief and I hope thats not too long for you and your sister
sending love
Monica xx

Really sorry to hear that your mum has died, I hope you can get the help and support you and your sister need this is as we have said many times a very cruel disease. I am 58 and my daughters are 27 expecting first baby in Feb and 40 with 2 grandchildren, 1 great grandchild and the pain knowing I have to leave them a little early is unbearable.
Take care of each other and seek out help phone those help lines.
Love Debsxxx

Hi there!

I’m so sorry to hear of your mum passing on, my thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time!

Me and you are in the same place right now, my mum passed away in April this year aged 56, i also turned 30 in July this year too.

Like your mum, mine suffered towards the end she was in bed from November last year up until she was taken into hospital at the beginning of April. She started off with breast cancer in 2007, she developed 2 brain tumours aug 2008 and by the time she was admitted into hospital this year in was in her bones and lung too.

I miss my mum so much, at first i cried everyday now its a couple of times a week, little things will set me off, she is constantly on my mind, she is the first thing i think about when i wake up and the last before i go to sleep. One thing i have learnt through this horrible journey is that i bottled alot of my emotions up, since my mum has died if i’m upset i will let it out, it is ok to cry, scream if you need too. It doesnt cure how you feel just helps by relieving it.

I have another hurdle i’m expecting my 2nd child which is due a week before my mum’s anniversary of her passing away, my mum was there with my first child, you could say i couldnt cope, but she was always there and that hurts so much, because she knew i really wanted another baby we have been trying for 2 years, and now she wont be there to meet it, although i know she will be in spirit, it’s not quite the same.

You will probably feel you are alone right now, i do from time to time, but you need to remember the good times you spent together, trust me that does help!

I’m sorry for waffling on, but please dont feel you cant cope, you can and will in your own way, hurdles will come along but they pass just as fast.

Please take care and i am sending you lots of hugs

Kerry xx

I lost my Mum to IBC after a 16 month battle. Prognosis wasn’t brilliant from the start as it was inoperable. But still was given chemo and radio, which initially responded well. I got married this year and had a baby 13 weeks ago and I think Mum and Dad kept a lot from me. Mum passed away 10 days after being told there was no further treatment. My baby was 5 weeks old.
I am finding it very difficult and have really come onto this site to talk to people who are in similar circumstances. My husband also lost his Mum when we were 17. We are now both 28 and are new parents without a mum between us. We both have fantastic Dads, and brothers, but there is nothing like the relationship between a mother and her daughter is there. We were so close. I am missing her terrible. Was with her when she was diagnosed as we just thought it was an infection, then basically didn’t leave her side until she passed away. I am in shock, still can’t believe my lovely mum has left us.
Would be great to speak to anyone else about this IBC I am finding it hard to accept it. Before Mum had it I didn’t even know cancers like this existed. It must be one of the worse. It is so disfiguring and cruel.
Just trying to stay strong and bring up my beautiful daughter like my Mum brought up me. To get busy living!!!
x

Hi Frankie81,

I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to lose your mum at this time in your life. I do now know a bit about IBC. There are a few of us with IBC who post regularly and we have a dedicated forum on here.

It is a rare form of breast cancer, there are only a few hundred cases a year in the UK. It is very aggressive and is commonly mis-diagnosed initially as an infection. GPs may never see a single case during the whole of their career but if they are following guidelines their patient should still be referred to a breast clinic if antibiotics don’t make a difference after a few days. IBC spreads very quickly beyond the breast and a long delay in diagnosis would certainly reduce the chances of a good result from treatment. Feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk more about it. I’ve been lucky to get an early diagnosis. I’ve had chemo, mastectomy, now having radiotherapy and will have herceptin for a year. My mum also has lung cancer with brain secondaries. She is responding to treatment too and I know how devastated I’ll be if/when her condition gets worse.

I’m sure your mum would be very proud of how you are coping with your new daughter. Do you have aunts who could help? It’s not the same as having your mum but they might have some good advice.

Jan xx

Frankie81

I lost my mum over 30 years ago (I am 52) and I want you to know that your mum has passed to you all her skill and knowledge and good memories to teach you to be the best mum for your daughter as she was to you. You have everything you need because your mum made sure of it. She has now passed on the torch to you knowing you will be ok.

It is so hard to lose someone you love and when you can think more clearly from the pain you will realise exactly what your mum passed to you.

I wish you and the family all the very best at this difficult time.

God bless xx

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for all the messages.

It has been such a difficult week. This is the first time I have had to actually sit down and check my emails. It’s been a week and yet my mum’s death still feels so unreal. It still hasn’t truly hit home. I cried the first few days and now I find that I am so scared of crying because I am afraid that I may never stop.

As I said before there are just so many emotions running through me at the moment that I just dont know which one to deal with first. I found the past few days I have been so agitated, snapping at everyone close to me.

FrankieB, my mum was also diagnosed in 2007. I think back now and the doctors told us because we found her cancer relatively early that the prognosis would be good. Like you I just dont understand this disease at all. She was in remission last year and then had a relapse after only 3 months. She suffered so much. I think that is the most difficult part to deal with. I think had she just passed away, perhaps it would have made it easy. She was in so much pain and when I close my eyes at night that is what I think of. I just dont understand why her.

I start work again on Monday and I hope that I will have the strength to actually carry on. Everyone seems to think that I am doing ok but inside I am really just not coping. I can’t fall apart. I have a daughter as well who is 13 (I had her when I was quite young;-)) She is the same, hasnt’ really cried. She was very very close to my mother and has also just become so angry. My mum was the one to give me advice about life, my daughter, well everything generally. I feel I have lost everything, not just a mother. I feel lost and yes very very alone, despite having people around me. I find the people I speak to just dont understand what I am going through.

I will be giving the helpline a call as soon as I muster up the courage. I would really like to be given the opportunity to find out exactly what happened to her body, how could it spread so quickly. We had a scan performed about 3 weeks before she died and it was clear, showing that all her major organs were clear, well only in one of her lungs. Then the week before she dies it spread to her major organs. How is this even possible?

I sometimes lay awake in bed just thinking of it all and wondering how I will continue my life without her. I am really dying inside. I just can’t believe it has all happened.

Thanks again for all the support, God knows I really need it and appreciate it immensely. I just feel as thought there is no-one else I can talk to about this.

Snazzy27 I know how you feel, as I said before I lost my Mum 7 weeks ago today actually. I have a daughter who is 13 weeks old. I feel as you do, although I have a very supportive husband and dad and brother, I feel very alone. Me and My Mum had a special bond. As many daughters do with their mothers.
My Mum had IBC which I have later found out to be the most aggressive type. Again, as you, what I saw her go through was tourture. From when she was told there was no further treatment to when she passed was just 10 days. She had only had radiotherapy 2 weeks before. But I think deep down we all knew, we could physically see the Cancer taking over her poor little body. She was so brave and dignified.
Its like you say, beyond crying, its like crying is a scratch on the surface and infact doesn’t make you feel any better. I feel lost with her. Totally empty. I am in total shock and disbelief. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact she got cancer let alone she has passed.
BUT - We must remain strong for our daughters, like our mothers did for us until the very end. They would not want us to be sad. This is not the end of them as they live on in us and are with us everyday. My Mum said to me before she went that she will be able to see more now than when she was here and she loved the idea of that! :slight_smile:
We will get there.
Thinking of you and your family. x

Hi ladies, so sorry to hear of all your sad news.
My mum died in January. She was diagnosed in 2007 with aggressive breast cancer. She relapsed only a couple of weeks after treatment was completed. In January she went into hospital on the Monday (walked in there) and was diagnosed with a blood clot on her lung. In the early hours of Thursday she was helped to the bathroom and left there by the nurse, despite severe shortness of breath, was found half an hour later on another ward where she collapsed and died shortly after.
I cannot reconcile in my head that this is a “cancer” death, surely the one “good” thing about dying with cancer is that everyone gets to say what they want to to each other, this was not to be. Like some of you, I don’t understand the progression of it all.
We have a complaint underway against the hospital for several things, so that makes it all quite stressful, but it does get easier to bear. I have 4 children up to the age of 10 the youngest was only 18 months when mum died. She won’t remember her as such, but we go to nanas garden (grave) regularly and make it pretty. The older ones think mum is the biggest star so there is much excitement when we see a bright star!
It is harder in some ways to have children at this dreadful time, but they also make sure you have lots to smile and laugh about. even when you don’t really feel like it. As I say it does get easier to bear, I do have days where it feels like yesterday but I can see I will be OK and so will all of us, we have to for our lovely children. I think for many years every happy event will be tinged with sadness, as obviously it would be even happier with mum. Sadly, I can’t change that, but I can make the best of what I do have.
I have droned on a bit, but I wish you all lots of love and strength to get through these most horrible of times.

Hello Snazzy and everybody,

I’m so sorry to hear all your sad news of the passing of your Mum’s. I’ve been sitting here in tears reading your posts. Firstly because I feel so sad for you all and I think because I feel so many of the frustrations and emotions you all have and ask the same questions over and over again, also because, although I still have my Mum I know that I will be in the same situation sometime in the not too distant future. I am 31 and my Mum (62) has secondaries in her lung, brain and bones. She was originally diagnosed in 2005 with DCIS and no spread and then her secondaries were discovered this time last year (Nov 2008). She responded really well to treatment and in June this year she was almost in the clear, but within 3 months she has had a big relapse and now has over 20 tumors in her brain and we are running out of options. It destroys me to see her suffering so much and knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do to help her. I don’t know how I’m going to watch her get worse. I can’t bare the thought that she might not be there to see me get married or meet her grandchildren.

However, I do take comfort that we are all able to be here to support each other and that there are people we can talk to who understand what exactly what we are going through. No one will ever be as special to me as my Mum and I’m sure you all feel the same. As long as we can celebrate their lives and share our happy memories and stories, we will get through it.

I send a big hug and lots of love to all of you,

SunnyBear Xx

Hi There

I am reading this and gaining so much comfort to know that I am not alone.I am 31 and lost my mum in May this year aged 55 after a very brave 3 year battle with IBC. She was admitted to the local hospice in January for a rest and to enable them to try and control her pain a bit better. She was there for 17 weeks and was never able to return home. The emotions I experiened during this time were some of the hardest I have ever had to deal with and this has continued following her passing. I too witnessed her immense suffering and would have done anything to ease this for her. I was with her every day and took lots of time off work but unfortunately was not with her when she passed. I miss her more than I can ever say and like so many of you have said don’t think anyone can understand how I am feeling. I feel that i have to put on a brave face when inside I am crumbling. It has changed me and I still find it diffiuclt to let myself be happy and enjoy life. It would be so good to be in contact with some of you girls as I can see that we woudl be able to offer so much support and understanding.

Sending love to you all

Anne Louise