I recorded the programme to watch when I think I’ll cope better with it. As JaneRA says in our day (60s) we weren’t told what was going on. I just remember visiting hospital on lots of Saturdays, spending ad hoc nights with neighbours and on the way home from school one day a neighbour called me in with my sister to tell us “God’s taken Mummy up to heaven” and then going to school the next day as if nothing had happened, no funeral, no memories etc. I regret and resent it even now.
Thanks goodness for progress in this area and what a wonderful organisation we have in Winston’s Wish.
I also watched the programme and found it very moving, I have 2 young daughters. A friend of mine really pissed me off by saying that she wasn’t going to watch it as it would upset her too much, I thought that was a narrow minded and thoughtless opinion .
Since my diagnosis I have been open with my children about what happened too me and create a daily scrap book about what we have done.
I really liked the memory cards that were created at Pam’s funeral and will add that I idea to my funeral request list.
I too watched the programme last night and found it very powerful, sad, but very well handled and there were some really uflifting moments as well. And thank you, Dawn, for sharing your experience of taking part in this programme. I think it is very important that children are told what’s going on - obviously making allowances for their ages -. There is nothing worse than a child guessing that something is wrong, not knowing the facts and wondering about all sorts of things. My OH also lost his wife when he still had a young child at home, but the family did not find it in them to share either the path leading to their mother’s death or share the bereavement. As a consequence they have all suffered greatly. When I was re-diagnosed (only one year after marrying OH), it brought a lot of emotions back to him and it was very hard for him. I have been very open with my family and friends, although I have not always shared the more horrendous side effects of chemo - suffice it to say I was not feeling well. I have a ‘bottom drawer’ which is full of memories - cards, letters, diaries, photographs etc. and I hope when my time is up, this might be of some help to my family.
I couldn’t bring myself to watch the programme last night, but am really glad the work of Winston’s wish is being recognised. I feel a bit of a coward not watching, but this discussion did spur me into starting to write a book for my son to read when he’s old enough, about my life, and ours together as a family. I have also spoken to the childrens support worker at our local Marie Curie hospice, and know that we will all get support when we need it, which will continue after I die. I hope, through the programme, more people will know that they can access this type of support
i watched the program and was very moved by the boxes, i lost my mother to cancer when i was a small baby, so dont have any memories at all then the family broke up as my father was drinking and i was put in a home. i wish i had some meories of the time when we were a family, i dont even know what date my mother was born on! as my father died a long time ago, we never saw him again after i was put in a home. now i have breast cancer and have grown up kids , i have kept a diary of my cancer journey, from the day after diognosis, and we have loads of photos and memories of family life, i think this is a wonderful thing to do to help families going through this ,whatever the age of the children the grief is still the same. lynn x
I have secondary BC and three children, so I’m glad the programme was on. I felt able to watch last night, but had the video set in case I couldn’t. I’d already visited Winstons Wish website for ideas but of course haven’t started doing anything yet - it’s too painful, and I want it to be perfect! The programme gave me some ideas - I liked the cards Pam wrote for her children with ‘do you remember when…’ and ‘most embarrassing moment…’ etc., and i could imagine starting to write some of those now and again when I think of something. I’m sure it’s much better to start when you are still feeling well, in fact, I think all Mums should do something like this whether they have BC or not. I guess it’s human nature to want to push it out of your mind, and that’s why so many people never get round to writing their wills.
I thought the psychologist was excellent, and the programme was done really sensitively.
I’m now thinking of organising a big party, as Pam said ‘I don’t want you doing it after I’ve gone, I want to be there!’
Jacquie
I too have secondary BC and 3 (relatively!) grown up children. I found last night’s programme very moving. None of the children are at home at the moment and my hubby couldn’t watch it all - he went out several times - but did watch some of it with me. It seemed harder for him than for me.
I’ve been collecting odd bits for a memory box since I got my secondary diagnosis in June but felt very motivated by the programme to get on and do a bit more and in fact do a box for each of the 3 children, despite the fact that they are all 20 plus. Indeed my hubby asked today if I’d do a box for him as well which made me happy in a funny way but also made me cry (we were on our way to the hospital for chemo so it wasn’t the best timing!). I too, Jacquie, liked the cards Pam was writing - I’ve ordered some from the Winstons Wish shop, so they look a bit more special - and can imagine me just jotting things down as I think of them. One of the things that upsets me is that I may not be around for key events for the children - graduation, wedding, grandchildren etc - and I’m also thinking of writing cards/letters specifically for these. I can always throw them out if I get to be there in person!
Hopefully the other 2 programmes will be as moving and sensitively done as the 1st.
Just watched the 'mummy diaries which i had recorded and its nice to read the above postings.
I just kept thinking all through it how bloomin cruel cancer is. Pam was tremendous how gorgeous did she look on the night of the ball.
So wanting to enjoy life so young and such a wonderful lady. I just love Felix he is a son to be proud of, sort of feel her hubby will struggle with him. She knew how to ‘cope’ with him.
I think reading the above posts the programme ‘did’ different things for each one of us.
I sat with my 24yrs old daughter who is often unemotional has never been able to cope with my Bc DX. The prog brought us so much closer poor Al she sobbed and sobbed throughout the programme. I wanted to protect her almost felt guilty she had watched it with me. All i kept sayin to her is OMG imagine if i had, had terminal cancer when you and Cath and Mel were young.
The programme made me grateful that i have been able to bring my children up and they can fend for themselves.Made me determined to enjoy the life i have.
My best mate died at 36 from BC Dx at 33. She left 2 little girls 10 and 7. How their dad struggled. I only wish they had had the support of the psychologist who was excellent. the girls never went to the funeral, they were bundled off to a church camp.
One of the times i broke down and cried was the mum cleaning the childs little bag saying i dont want when i am gone for people to think they are dirty and not looked after or words like that. Us mums do so many little things men would not think of. Hubby was not interested in the prog which is typical of him.
Well done to the ladies who took part and Dawn looking forward to seeing you on the prog.
Although my kids are 24 23 and 19 they are still my babies and i am going to buy 3 boxes tomorrow and set to doing memory boxes for them. Hopefully i will see grandchildren but if i dont then their mums can show them the boxes.
sorry I should have said that my ‘friend’ hasn’t had cancer. I felt that I should watch the programme because it would be helpful in what could lie ahead for me. Feeling grumpy this week as a friends who had origionally been given an excellant prognisis very sadly died.
Really sorry to hear about your friend - so sad to lose any friend for whatever reason but it will also remind you of the undertainty of this b**?? of a disease.
Oh Becks, I am sorry about your friend. Grumpy is a good response - I often find I’m not sad, but grumpy, and trace that back to an underlying anger. Just have to try not to take it out on the wrong people though!
Liverbird I agree about the lunchbag. I think with mine it’ll be not doing their hair and never thinking to wash their coats!
Yes, I found myself looking at scrapbooks in TK Maxx today… must get on with it.
I didn’t know WW had a shop, Kay, I’ll go back and have another look.
Love to you all,especially Becks
Jacquie x
Arh Jacksy
the not washing coats reminded me of my friends hubby. who i mentioned above who died. He and the girls came to mine every week for a meal and the evening. His coat was so grubby and in the end i had to say something to him and wash it.
I had a little laugh in the prog though at the dad trying to put on the makeup arhhhhhhhhhh bless!!
Hope you have started the memory boxes and do we all get an invite to the party your going to organise?
I didn’t realise this programme was on so consequently missed it, the girls at work were talking about it and couldn’t believe the strength of the women they were watching.
I have set myself a reminder for this weeks programme, as has been said, i too have thought of words etc., i want my family to have when i’ve gone.
Winstons Wish is a fantastic charity, they were there to support my my friends daughters when she was dying and sadly died, my sister-in-laws children have benefited alot from them over the years as they lost their dad in a car crash some years ago…
Dippykate…I find you very inspirational and always have x
Dawn…I admire you letting your family be involved in this programme at such a difficult time x
I believe that death, no matter by what means has always been a taboo subject. However my Mum used to often talk about death (Mum died of heart failure) and when it happened it was easier to deal with. She asked that her grand daughters (aged 8 and 10 at the time) should attend her funeral at a time when it was thought that children should be excluded. They did attend, and as adults now they only have lovely memories of their Grandmother and have no fear of death or attending funerals.
With my own 10yr old, hubby and I have told her everything and she has coped very well. I have already gathered details of my family and kept details of trips etc in a memory box for her - I think it an excellent idea.
I have also encouraged hubby to do more practical things with her now - such as hairdresser and dentist visits, cooking, washing etc etc - because although I’ve written lots of stuff down in my ‘mummy manual’ often doing something can be a lot harder. (I’ve even feigned illness to make hubby actually do more of the domestic stuff !).I know that this has given hubby lots more confidence and helped to get rid of the fear of the unknown - and given me a lot of laughs watching him do some of the basic chores !
All of the above has also helped me since I know now that my family will cope well after I’ve gone. I’m looking forward to seeing more of this program to see if I can get any more ideas.
Have just blubbed my way through the second episode. It seemed more tragic tonight. I am so sad that Vanessa died in the early hours of this morning. I have teenagers as well as a younger child, and was glad of some of the insights, though it was all a bit close to home as well, because of their ages.
What a couple of wonderful Mums - I hope I can be as thoughtful, open and of good humour when my time comes.
With love to you all
Jacquie xx
Same here. Just watched the 2nd episode after missing the first. I cried alot, particularly with the young family. It’s soooo cruel. I think the councellor is doing a marvelous job though and though my kids are now adults, I do have grandchildren, and i would like them to understand the real me, so it has given me some good ideas, should I need them one day.
My condolences go out to Vanessas family. You are all lovely people and your Mum was a star!
what a wonderful episode last night and so sad to know that vanessa has lost her battle and what a strong lady! she has daughters to be proud of and they had a wonderful mum. hope when my time comes i can leave my family with such wonderful memories, my heart goes out to them at this sad time. lynn xx
I watched the second episode and was so impressed with the way this dificult subject was handled. The bravery of those women shines out and the incredible strength in quite small children is amazing. I think we forget sometimes that although everyone on here is fighting their own battles in their own way, apart from older chidlren on the ‘Family and friends’ thread, the voices of smaller children are never heard. My heart went out to Wendy’s two little ones - but I think their dad had handled the death and funeral thing exceptionally well, especially at a time when he was under desperate strain himself. My older girls (both with chidlren of their own now) have watched the programme and asked whether I could make a sort of memory box for them. I already have, as I have said earlier, a bottom drawer full of memories of all our lives, but I think the girls would like something a bit more personal to them. Although I am NED at present, despite spread, and I don’t think I will meet my maker just yet, I think it is a good idea. And as some of your girls have said, better to undertake such an important job when you are well, rather then leave it when you are really ill.
My heart goes out to all of you who are finding themselves in similar situations with small children.,
I too watched the second episode last night and cried. I must say I find the teenagers most upsetting - probably because my daughter is 14. I never mentioned to her about it the last 2 weeks and she didnt watch it (she was at youthie anyway!!), cos at times she has been upset enough. I have been open and honest with her from the beginning and at the mo no-one has said my prognosis is bad (primary bc) so didnt want her worrying for nothing - however - if she had seen it advertised and wanted to watch it I certainly would not have stopped her.
My heart goes out to the bravery of these women taking part and their families - and Dawn - well done to you for taking part - I am sure it has helped enormously?
I swithered with the idea of getting the memory cards etc from Winstons Wish but didnt want to seem to premature as obviously apart from having primary bc I am ok at the mo. What do others think of this?
Love and hugs to you all
We are all brave women
Fiona
xx
I too watched last night and cried. I was really glad though that my husband watched with me this time (last week he flitted in and out). So we cried together and then talked a lot about things.
I think both families were great and as Jacquie says, I just hope I can deal with things as Vanessa and Wendy did in such a positive way. Vanessa’s two girls seemed fantastic and she must have been so proud of the way they were dealing with things. My heart went out to them, again (as others have said) perhaps because they are nearer in age to my own 3.
Today my memory cards arrived from Winstons Wish, so I’m really motivated to getting on with my memory boxes now.
I have a secondary cancer diagnosis now, Fiona, and didn’t think about any of this until I got that diagnosis earlier this year. However the more I have thought about it, the more it feels like just such a positive thing to do. So if you feel you would like to do one, I would go for it even if you decide not to share that decision with your daughter - one of my daughters isn’t too keen on the idea and feels it is too early for me to be doing this, although I have tried to explain my reasoning behind it and that it isn’t that I’m expecting to die soon or indeed giving up being positive about being around for some good time yet! It’'s almost like an insurance policy - or making a will. And I really like the idea of adding to them over time.
