Mum's personality changing living with cancer

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Hi all,

Apologies if my post rambles on, but I’m looking for some advice.

My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer initially in 2003. She was diagnosed with bone mets in 2007, secondary liver in 2009 which was reduced with chemo, and in 2011 the liver tumour came back and she was put on taxol, which she initially getting every week (too harsh and she ended up in hospital), and is now getting infusions every 2 weeks. She has recently had her 12th chemo, and has had another scan, which will determine whether she needs another 6 chemos- total of 18.

Over the last 6 months or so, I have seen a dramatic change in my mums mood…she stays on her own, and I am her only daughter. I see her every weekend and i take her to the shops if she feels up to it/get her food shoipping, every few months I stay over, and I come round to see her after work a couple of night a week. (I stay 10 mins away from her). She has a couple of friends (who do not have BC), who she sees every week, but they do not go out, as they dont drive and she understandably does not want to walk much as she is tired and weak.

I have noticed that she has become increasingly snappy and moody, which initially started to be aimed at me (she stated I don’t do enough for her etc), which I try not to take to heart. However, she had a big fall out with one of her friends last week when her friend did not phone ger to wish her luck for her ct scan, to which she got upset, phoned me, then I had to phone her friend to try and iron out the situation. My mum was upset, as her friend had her son up from down south, and had forgotton to phone her as she was busy, which my mum got really upset about as they have been friends for years…I know a big bug-bear for my mum is people saying they are too busy, which eally upsets her as she is on her own most days which I feel incredibly guilty of. She worked full-time up until 2 years ago, and I know she misses work greatly, especially…(only one of her work friends has kept in touch since she left, which also upsets her)

Every week she goes to a hospice, but I wouldn’t say she really enjoyed it. The hospice is for all life-limiting diseases, not just cancer, so there are not many there she can connect with. She is going to this through the Macmillan cancer care nurse, who has been great, but has a huge workload so cannot see my mum that often as she is not a priority case.

My last hope is to take her to the Maggie’s centre, which I am taking her to this week, in the hope she finds and interacts with like-minded people who she can interact with. I feel is she widens her social circel to involve people who know what she is going through, it can only better the situation and make her a bit happier.

Does anyone have any other ideas? Sorry for the rambling, and I hope to not sound insensitive…I obviously do not know what its like for my mum to go through all this, but meeting others can only improve her mood and well-being, and help me relax a bit more as I also worry about her cancer and how isolated she feels.

Any ideas/thoughts much appreciated!

Thanks in advance,

Nicola xx

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Hi Nicola,

I think taking your mum to Maggies is an excellent idea. I go to a Maggie’s centre and there are lots of resources and advice for example a psychologist, relaxation classes, pilates, financial advise, cooking demonstrations etc. There is something for everyone at these centre’s. I also go to group for women who have been diagnosed with secondary BC, and I have found this helpful over the last couple of years. There should be a group near where your mum lives, the one that I go to is now run from the local Maggies centre.

Hope this helps

Alex

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Great Alex, thanks for this. I’m really hopeful that the Maggies centre can help, as there is really no other options available out there. I ve been online, and they look to offer fantasic things.

Thanks so much for your reply,

Nicola x

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Nicola,
What a caring post…
Have you thought about getting her a laptop and getting her onto this forum? Alternatively, you take her online, let her see what is here?
I know that I needed a place to vent, to be scared, to ramble, to cry… this forum was my safe place.
You could show her the various sections, posts etc… search for specific topics that might interest her?
The ladies on here, especially with secondaries, are exceptional in their support for each other.
Wishing you and your mum well
Marguerite

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Hi Nicola

In addition to the support you have here please feel free to call our helpline for further ideas and for some support for yourself whilst you are helping your mum through this, the lines are open 9-5 weekdays and Sat 9-2 on 0808 800 6000. The following link will take you to the secondaries information page and down the left hand side there are various support services BCC has available for your Mum:

breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-breast-health/secondary-breast-cancer/

Hope this helps

Take care
Lucy

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Thanks for your lovely reply…yes I have thought wbout introducing her to this webiste- especially the live chat forum tomorrow night- I think she definately need a place (On-line or not), that she can vent her frustrations.

Thank you for your reply- will speak to her tomorrow about coming online.

Thanks again, x

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Nikki, what a lovely caring daughter you are.

I haven’t had Tax myself but several people have mentioned that it really does affect your mood and can make you feel really down and depressed. If this is the case with your mum, she should hopefully see some light at the end of the tunnel again when this course is over. There are a few threads about docetaxel and its effects, you might want to have a look and see if they seem to be similar to what your mum’s going through.

Best of luck to both of you.

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Nikki, I hope you don’t blame yourself for any of this.

You don’t say how old your mother is, but I am another older woman (63) and although I have had much less treatment than your mother, it has been hard, as you know. I confess I have snapped at my husband, who has supported me very well through this, when I should not have and I have suddenly gone all weepy for no particular reason other than being weak and tired. I have had something similar with work and losing touch with colleagues who I thought were also friends.

Two particular things occur to me: one, that your mother has developed clinical depression, which might call for treatment on its own and two, that anaemia can cause both weepiness and irritability.

Do you think she would bring these ideas up the next time she sees her doctor? Or if you go with her to appointments, is there any opportunity to mention your observations? I don’t mean mentioning the fallings-out, but mood swings and not being able to see friends or to socialise.

I’m not familiar with the Maggie Centre, but that might also be a place where you could share your concerns with someone who might be in a position to help.

It’s good you are able to help her as much as you do.

Best wishes to you both.

Cheryl

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Thanks choccimuffin- so nice of you to take the time to reply. Just want her to meet likeminded people that can relate to her- even more than what I can. Thanks again for your lovely reply.x

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Hi Cheryl,

Thanks for the reply.

My mum is 64, and I feel she is finding the treatment particularly hard this time, and I suspect she is starting to get fed-up with the quality of life she has at the moment, and does not see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t blame myself for it, but I do find it hard to be around her when she is like this, as does my fiance who bites his tongue, as she has reduced me to tears many a time in front of him for no apparent reason. I would never fall out with her, and even how nasty she gets, I would never hold it against her, or not talk to her, as I know how much she needs me as she has no-one else. Even when I have tried to talk to her about how she feels she point blank refuses to talk to me about how she feels (she never has been the type of person to have a heart-to-heart about anything), so she is by nature a bit of a closed book (she has been on her own for many years after splitting up with her last partner 15 years ago) She is by nature a bit moody and a loose cannon temper wise, but I have never seen her as bad as this before.

She has her CT scan result this Thursday with her Oncologist, and I will be with her. I have thought about bringing up her moods with the oncologist on Thursday, and see what she says? Not sure if its depression or not…my mum would never admit to me how she feels, so its a hard one. Do you think its wise for me to bring the subject up on Thursday at the appointment?x

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Hi Nicola

What a lovely daughter you are, I think you are doing everything you can for your mum so don’t worry that she doesn’t see someone every single day. I can imagine that she must be getting pretty fed up with Taxol but if she has always been a moody person with a quick temper then that’s probably why she hasn’t got too many friends. I think its awful that she reduces you to tears for no reason, just because we have secondary cancer that does not give us the right to be nasty to the people who love and care for us, even if we do feel a bit bitter at times at our unfortunate situations. You do not mention any other family members, do you have brothers or sisters or does your mum have any siblings that could help lighten the load for you?

I hope the gp can help you.

Best wishes

Linda

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Hi both,

Thank you for your replies- both very useful in helping me cope.

I don’t have any brothers and sisters, so all the responsibility lands on me. My fiance helps me out when he can, and goes food shopping with us, and takes her out when I’m working. My mum also looked after her mum for 28 years, and I think thats partly the problem, as she expects me to give the same service almost as she still lived with her mum when she died at 29. I moved out at 26 and have my own house, which I think my mum is happy with as she would’nt want the same to happen to me, but maybe she is a litle jealous of. It’s so hard for me to talk aboiut her like this, as she can be good company- she has a good sense of humour, and is generous to a fault. Due to her being on her own for so long she is a bit of a sociopath and doesn’t know how to relate to others well smetimes, and the cancer only makes it worse. The time she did reduce me to tears she stated that I did not do enough for her and that I had no clue how it felt to have cancer, and I feel I live in he shadow of her, and what she did for her mum, and she is always comparing me to what she did.

I think I will say to the Oncologist on Thursday and see what she says.

Thanks everyone for your advice- it has been very much appreciated.

Thanks again x

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Hi,

Have you considered phoning your mum’s breast carenurse and letting her know your concerns in advance, so that they are prepared on thursday to approach your mum in the correct way? Or ifher bcn isnt helpful/around, maybe give her oncologists secretary a call to put them on notice?

My bcn organised counselling and a referralto a psychiatrist specialising in helping people diagnosed with serious illnesses. She can organise therapy, medication etc depending on the situation.

The bcn should also haveinfo re cancer support servicesin your area.

Finally, you yourself could probably do with somewhere to offload and some support. My local cancer support centre extends their services to family members, and maybe you could join/investigate local carer’s groups and charities to provide you with support and back up, and maybe even as another potential avenue to access support for yourmum.

I had taxotere chemo and, as chocciemuffin said, i did not feel at all like myself on it and i was horrid to my husband on occasion, just becsuse i felt so wretched.

Good luck, and i hope your mums scan results are good and that you both get a bit more support soon.

Vickie
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