Murder!!!
Murder!!! I started my new job a few months ago - I was very open in the interview about my condition, but assumed that this information would remain confidential. Clearly all my friends and family know that I’ve recently had and been treated for BC.
I really looked forward to the fact that my colleagues at my new work place did not know I had had a BC experience - and I’m sure ultimately I would have mentioned it, - but really enjoying a place where BC didn’t somehow define me - where I could get away from it for a while.
Only to discover my line manager has told them.
I have informed him that I am ‘disquietened’ that my confidentiality was breached, but actually I am completely furious, he just does not really understand this, and now I am back to feeling somehow invaded.
Does anyone else feel like this or is this just me feeling somehow, people insist that I declare my mortality!
Not surprised you feel like murder. This is a really serious breach of confidentiality but a tricky one to deal with as you have to work there. Consider:
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An assertive word with your line manager to tell them just how angry you are.
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A confidential word with the Personnel Dept.
You could do both: I think you are owed an apology and an assurance that this will not happen again to anyone else.
I recently started a part time job where I had been very open at interview about cancer. Interviewers kept it confidential then very first day this bloke starts talking rubbish about mastectomies and cancer in front of me and one of interviewers. Interviewer looked uncomfortable as he babbled on, so in the end I cut in and told him I had breast cancer and put him striaght on his wild fantasies. When other people who don’t know about me raise breast cancer I do always talk about mine…I think communicating openly and honestly helps reduce the widespread myths and misconceptions about the disease.
But the point is that we are the ones with cancer and should decide when and if we tell.
Best wishes
Jane
PS Sorry Celeste
Didn’t read your post properly. I see you’ve already had a quiet word…I think you should convey how angry you are, and definitely consider telling Personnel.
Jane
Want to Share a Cell??? Hi Celeste
You really aren’t alone in feeling the way you do. “The masses” have no right to know every detail of our private lives unless we choose to tell them. How I’m not on a GBH charge with some folk I don’t know. My gripe is not quite the same but…
I returned to work a couple of months ago - trying to stress that people who didn’t know , didn’t need to unless I chose to tell them (there had been lots of new staff in over the 10 months I had been off) - Don’t think this is such a major demand. Work, whilst at times uncomfortably close to my BC life is my distraction. In general my wishes have been followed (although asking me questions about how I am in the staff room doesn’t go down well)
Anyway - generally things had gone fairly well untill last week, I know who to avoid, who to speak cautiously too and who is there for me on a bad day. Anyway I finally managed to discard my wig (a really big deal for me - I hate the hair I now have and some, such that i wore the wig for 10 months). Then one “bright spark” decides to shout (and I do mean shout) to me across the room that she could see my hair growing back, you can guess the response / reaction of people who didn’t know what has happened to me over theast year( the incident is now in the hands of my manager who is thankfully very supportive). The individual was one I am very wary of - sent a christmas card last year with a ps in it - “hope the side effects of chemotherapy aren’t too awful”. I don’t wish ill health or a major life crisis on anyone, but there are a few I’d like to see how they handle going throught such times and hear from them how they think they should be treated. This year has really brought it home to me exactly how stupid and insensitve some folk are.
— Thanks Jane & slp (slp?) - perhaps we should form a BC vigilante group - armed with custard pies for insensitive offenders - the very idea gives me some pleasure.
Well I’m now in the situation that I know that they know and they know that I know that they know etc. etc. etc. oh heavens - now I suppose my role is to make it all very comfortable for everyone, or perhaps in these situations we should all just insist that everyone look at our scars!
Slp that situation sounds awful - and that individual should be the first on the custard pie list!
I did give my line manager my very best withering look and a very uncomfortable silence, and as I have to work with him, I shall have to leave it there - I think he got the point! c’est la vie’
Hi I had chemo first and opted to work through it, so my line manager asked me how I would like to tackle the ‘colleague’ question. I asked him to tell everyone (I work in a small unit of 24 people) so that they knew why I was taking days off and would understand about the wig/regrowth etc. but I asked to be treated as normally as possible They were incredibly supportive - I got a bunch of flowers before each chemo - without being suffocatingly over-concerned.
I work with the public, some regular visitors to the office, and if they asked, I told them. I know this approach wouldn’t work for everyone and it must be very difficult if you are starting a new job, but I found dispensing with the secrecy element made it much easier to carry on as normal. We have had quite a few staff changes since my treatment finished, and I haven’t made a point of telling the newcomers, but I’m not bothered if anyone else has.
However (sorry, I’m rambling) I feel strongly that to tell or not to tell must be the patient’s decision, and those of you whose confidential details have been disclosed without your permission should complain to the person who ‘told’, the union (if there is one) and the staff welfare officer.
telling people I’m a Project Manager and work with different sets of colleagues every few months. I would much prefer them all to know I’ve had breast cancer because then it’s easier for me to justify why I’m not going to work stupid hours and why I don’t behave like a “headless chicken” in a work crisis (because in comparison to having breast cancer, it’s not that important) Some of them who’ve worked with me before know I’ve had cancer, but are discreet and seem to keep it to themselves.
I’ve joined a new team of colleagues in the past few weeks and went out with them one evening last week. During the course of the evening, one of them revealed that he has three nipples, which didn’t bother me, but I was tempted to say that I’d only got one and why, but then that would have probably been a bit of show-stopper. Maybe I’ll tell them when I know them better. I don’t know. I just think it would be a lot easier if I worked with the same people all the time and they knew.
According to Breakthrough’s magazine, the actor Mark Wahlberg has got an extra nipple and one in 18 people are thought to have as well. Perhaps they could donate them to those of us who haven’t got any or only have one!
Sensitive Manager… When I was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago I came into work the next day to sort things out before going off for the operation. I told my boss who called me into a room and sat me down, his first line was to ask me if I was OK, I said I was (putting a brave face on it) so he insisted on repeating his question and this time saying “no but really, are you all right” which of course made me burst into tears. He had only been my boss for a few days and I didn’t really know him at all, his insensitivity was only topped by his next line: “so are you going to go for a wig or a baseball cap?”!!!
Fortunately most people are a little more sensitive but I do think that sometimes I bring on flippancy by my insistence that I treat it casually at work, you can then get comments back that actually don’t help, I guess the lesson I’ve learnt is to come out with it and not try to belittle what it means to go through BC diagnosis and all the treatments.
I used to get really upset but somethings changed.
I figure now the problem isnt mine if peoples ignorance cant deal with it.
But I did used to end up in tears because of it or not even want to put myself in a position where I would have to talk to people who may ask me those questions.
I am now fantastic at one liners leaving no room for further question, or turning the question so that the other person has to tell me something about themselves instead, without them even realising what I’ve done (years spent selling cars comes in useful yet again!)
It’s amazing what coping skills we can pick up along the way, just wish we didnt have to!
slp I’ve had someone in a supermarket ask me if my hair is my own now. (Idiot!) I told them it was - was theirs? That shut them up a treat as I walked off with a smile on my face!
The important people dont say those things to us.
about to return to work I’m about to return to work and although I have told a few close colleagues about my diagnosis, I don’t want anyone else to know. Please can you help me with what to say to people about why I have been off work for so long and why my hair is now so short! I am not a very good liar so I know it’s going to be awkward.
— Hi Kathy,
Like you i am a rubbish liar but why not just be vague. If someone asks why you’ve been off just say you’ve been ill. If they ask what was wrong with you just say you’d rather not talk about it or just repeat “I wasn’t well”.
You’d have to be very rude to ask someone why their hair was so short. Surely people would just comment on your new hair style. When people have commented on my “hair style change” i still wear a wig i smile and say “Do you like my change of image?” I know everyone must know it’s a wig but i don’t to talk about it to anyone. I’m now struggling with the idea of going without my wig at work. How do i change from a wonderful dark brown bob which covers a lot of my face to a mousy coloured crop with a high hair line. I work with children so i know i’m going to get stares from parents and children alike.
Good luck hope it goes well andd remember it’s none of their business
Kelley
Why lie? Why a secret? Work gossip can be very upsetting, but get any group of people together and there always will be gossip.
If you don’t want to tell people about having breast cancer then something like: ‘I’d rather not talk about it’ should mean they won’t ask you again. But sadly it won’t stop the gossip.
I try to talk about cancer in an ‘ordinary’ way. I think this helps to diffuse the secrecy and fear surrounding the very word.
Jane
I’m with Jane on this and Celeste Celeste, what on earth makes you think it is now up to you to make everyone feel more comfortable ?, the problem is theirs if they feel uncomfortable not yours.
I do agree with Jane, when I was dx I continued to work for about 3 weeks before packing up for my op, during that time only my immediate boss knew.
On my last day prior to hospital, literally at 17:00, I sent an e-mail to everyone in my dept. telling them that I would be off work for some time and why and then I ran for the door so that I would not have to deal with “I’m sooooo sorry etc.” lines.
This gave everyone a chance to absorb and deal with it themselves so that when I returned, they knew, I knew they would have told others and I could talk about BC in a sensible manner because I had had time to deal with my own feelings.
I agree that it should be your personal choice as to when/if people at work etc. are told but I do think that the longer we keep trying to hide things [as if we have something dirty] the more myths and ignorance will spread.
By talking openly and honestly about our situation we have an opportunity to educate the great British public about the true facts and hopefully get more women breast aware so that they have a better chance if they should ever find a possibly cancerous tumour.
Rgrds/Siggy
I had to laugh. when I read the post Steph put about the woman in the Supermarket…this happened to me too…I was in a local cafe, hubby was paying for out sarnies when I woman came up to me and say “Oh my…you have a lovely thick thatch.is it all your own?”…at that point hubby came back to the table and said…yes it is hers, and I have the receipt in my pocket to prove I bought it for her, now if you’ll excuse us we have to go to Oxfam now to see if they still have some second hand wooden legs left!!"…the look on the womans face was totally priceless!!
Morag he must be one in a million I had to laugh at your post and your husband sounds just great, nothing better than someone with a sense of humour.
Rgrds/Siggy
…we all have different ways of dealing with things Siggy. A work environment with an atmosphere is not a healthy one - so It is in my interest that it becomes a relaxed and comfortable one. I have made my point, there is no need for me to labour it.
I am a private person essentially, and I have already very publicly told my story to an audience of 100 (albeit out of my home area). I am actually working on something at the moment which I hope will educate and inform.
I am currently devising a course for people to deal with people who are experiencing emotional distress as a result of a physical stimulus i.e. breast and other cancers, ms, etc and as a result of accidents. I am very interested in training people to meet the emotional needs of those with physical diagnosis. This is the point at which I feel I can make a difference. I have yet to come up with a name for this course - thought of a few crap names i.e. Body & Mind, Bombshell (too militaristic and not right at all) - any suggestions most welcome - if anyone wants to comment on what should be in the course content I am open to suggestions. Please don’t anyone ask me to run marathons or cycle across developing countries.
Siggy I wasn’t trying to hide it as such - it was just none of their damn business and in my own time and in my own way I would have told them. This was a new job and I needed them to see and know the person before the diagnosis. It wasn’t for my line manager to give out that information.
Take care
Celeste
Point taken and understood Celeste, you are right in saying that we all have our own way of dealing with these issues, and I do totally agree with you about the lack of confidentiality [hope I spelt that right but probably not]
I must say I am interested in your training idea and think that there is a real need for better education in this area, it is really surprising how many people find it difficult to deal on an emotional level with anyone who has a physical dx.
I am just about to try educating a friend of mine who has made quite a few thoughtless remarks of late about cancer, unfortunately I know my own faults well and try to work on keeping them in check so I will try to be a little more tactful then I normally am 
Keep well.
Siggy
Training idea Thanks Siggy - the initial soundings have all been positive. I have already devised and teach on a emotional distress/mental health course - so quite a lot of info is transferable but clearly there are issues around diagnosis and impact that are specific.
At the time of diagnosis I was astonished that the professionals around me did not seem to possess even basic listening skills, - extraordinary really.
You might try feeding back to your friend how her remarks make you feel. I am of the school of though that people are generally good but sometimes clueless, and education is not bits of info stuffed in but anything which causes them to think things through for themselves.
Don’t worry about your spelling my grammar on this site sometimes makes me wince and yet it all sounds ok at the time of writing.
Best wishes (your name sounds really cool!)
So long Siggy