I saw my Dad yesterday, he has advanced cancer, got prostate cancer 4 years ago, had the treatment but then started getting pains. He was so scared that he left if over a year before telling anyone including his Onc. It was too late, it has now spread all over and he is dying. This is so morbid but I feel angry at my Dad, if only he had mentioned it straightaway etc etc… I love him to bits but its scares me so much having had BC myself 3 years ago - is this what’s going to happen to me. Every time I see him I learn something new about cancer, the treatments and the whole scenario, watching him slowly deteriorating is breaking my heart. Its such an effort to smile and be positive when I am with him, I sit holding his hand and all I want to do is to hold him close, hug him and cry. I am crying now as I am typing this, I am so afraid of losing him and feel so completely selfish as I am so scared for me too. I have been given a very good prognosis (91% chance of it not coming back) but we all know there are no guarantees.
I just had to say all this but I know it may also upset others, I do apologise, I do not wish to make anyone else feel uncomfortable, but as we all know it is ONLY the people who have gone through this awful experience that understand how one feels underneath all the bravado.
I know exactly how you feel, my father had prostate cancer and unfortunaltey died, however he never told anyone about pains or blood in urine or starting to become incontinent for at least a year and then he told my mum. They went to the doctors and he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer. He asked my mum not to tell a soul not even me and my two older sisters. He used to come in from work and dash straight up stairs as he had an an “accident” and would just thro his jeans in the wash and go back to work. I lived with my OH and we split up so I came home and they day after I returned home my mum told me that he had prostrate cancer. I was devasted(although we were not close) but I couldnt let on I knew to my sisters so it became really hard. In the end i told mum she had to tell my other sisters and we all had to hide it from dad. He got really sick and didnt eat for three months - and never once did we mention the C word to dad, I think he secretly knew we knew but anyway…
There came a time when he had to go into the hospice and they were wonderful. He had been diagnosed 5 years before he actually passed away but the hospice asked mum if she could manage with him at home for a while. Mum and I got a bed downstair for him and he came home. He still wasnt eating or drinking but he asked for a glass of water so i gave him one and then he got tremendous pain in his chest I had to call for an ambulance - they asked me my dads medical hisptory and i told them he had prostrate cancer and he just looked at me and I truly beleive he was glad I knew without him having to explain. All the pain was was becasue he hadnt eaten or drank for so long it was a shock to the cold water was a shock to the system.
Sorry to waffle - i think were I am going with this is I couldnt even hold my dads hand to let him know I cared, so while you have your dad, give him the loves and hugs you crave to give.
Thank you, its comforting to know you understand. Dad has terrible pains in his stomach and chest, the pain was so bad two days ago the hospital thought he was having a heart attack - he literally came back from the brink. Dad has been going to the hospice every Tuesday - he loves it there and they have told him that when the time comes he go there “to pass away”. The hospital have just rang them but unfortunately they have no beds. Dad’s going home today and Mum is going to try her best to care for him at home - just wished I lived closer to help.
Thank you again for talking to me, i appreciate it.
oh kelly sweetie, i know it is very hard for you i lost both my parents when i was in my 20s and i still miss them,sweetie, i would say spend as much time as you can with him,
there will come that awful call to say he has passed, i dreaded that babe
i feel for you sweetheart with all your worries, but remember to live every day and make it count hon
we will be here to support you always, and lynne i,m so sry for your loss too, its such a void that cannot be filled
i fully understand how your feeling about your dad, my dad was dx with bowl cancer in feb this year,
he had the op but they also saw spread on liver, when he went back a month or two later for liver op
it has spread everywhere, back to bowl,liver,stomach,tubes.
so they took one look and did nothing just closed the wound.
he has been put onto chemo to try slow things down but he knows hes dying.
hes to have a ct scan after his 3rd chemo to see if its worth carrying on with it.
i too feel like you, watching him is that whats going to happen to me, i hate watching him die
knowing i cant do a thing to stop it.
We spoke today on the phone , hes talking about christmas wants a huge tree this year, he said as it will be his last christmas,
i didnot know what to say, as hes proberly right, thats if he makes it to christmas.
I am so sorry to hear your going through this, its an awful time, but I just wanted send big hugs for you & also to K - I hope your dad is ok today too.
Hi Kelly
When I read your post about your dad it made me weep so much. I so understand what you are going through as my dad had a stroke the same week as I was diagnosed with BC. He survived but his quality of life is not so good being unable to communicate and not get around and other medical problems. His mind is also affected and he has no idea I have had treatment for BC this year. His prognosis is not good and we have been told he could have another stroke any time which he is unlikely to survive.
The biggest problem I face however has been my mother who I am sorry to say has always been difficult and demanding to say the least. Throughout my dad’s stroke and rehabilitation and my treatment for BC she has made life hell for everyone including his fantastic carers and now refuses to let me and my sister see my dad.
All I can say to you is just keep being there for him, holding his hand, hugging him and letting him know he is much loved. You are not selfish, just a loving daughter and bit scared (like the rest of us) not knowing what life holds for us in the future but try and take one day at a time and remember we are all here for you.
Thank you for your words - they really are comforting - as is a lot of my invisible friends support.
Dad insisted on coming home from hospital last Thursday. He is now in his own bed and surroundings but he seems to be fighting it the whole time although his Consultant has told him he is dying. We have had major renovations and a large extension to our house to enable easier access for our wheelchair bound son, it is almost finished, Dad is now saying he wants to come down next Sunday to see it. The trip will be far too much for him but he said he is going to take double dose medication - what do I do - it is something he really wants to do but I am scared for him as are my Mum and brother. His best friend has said he is giving himself goals to aim for so that he can focus on that one thing to keep him going. What is everyone’s opinion on this. I would hate for him to come down and then something happen to him that night because of me!! Oh help.
I am re-reading everyone’s posts here, my heart goes out to you all. There is never an easy answer to life’s problems and bad times and I just feel so bad that people have such awful ends - why can’t we all just go to bed and never wake up. Too simple I suppose. We all have a lot of courage and I would love to hold all you hands - instead I send you big hugs and a lot of appreciation.
Im so glad your dad seems to be comfortable and at least in his own bed. Times are never easy, its alwasy one thing after another then another and then Wham, another. Its good that he is giving himself goals as its an acheivment for him so let him do what he has to do.
Your Dad just wants to tie up every loose end. My own father died of Cancer (which he fought every inch of the way) but he seemed to just know when it was time to give up and go home. He was watching Westerns on TV two days before he died. If something should happen to your Dad whilst he is visiting you it will NOT be your fault. It will be far worse if you don’t let him come if it’s something he really wants to do. He is very brave and so are you.
Oh my dear you must let him come and visit if he is prepared to fight his condition and pain to get there. He will take so much pleasure in seeing your lovely new extensions especially as this will so obviously make your son much more comfortable. Life is very precious and we all fight hard to keep it but if your dad can find the courage then you can to. He will let go when he is ready to no matter where he is.
Have a lovely day with your family and thinking of you.
Just spoke to my Dad. Goodness, I don’t know how to get through this. He sounds dreadful, so tearful, weak, and in so much pain. He was so determined to try and come down on Sunday as he really wants to see our extension, but he is just too ill, he’s so disappointed and crying. I can’t bear to hear my Dad cry. I am going to see him tomorrow - what do you think girls, should I take some photos of our extension. Its quite a large ext. for better access for our disabled son. We have had a through floor lift, stairs turned around, kitchen ext. outside with new bathroom with hoisting faciltities etc. I don’t want to upset Dad further, but don’t know by showing him photos if it would make him feel worse or better. He can hardly get out of bed now, Mum helps to wash and dress him in the morning and he sits in the chair. Mum has asked for a lightweight wheelchair so perhaps she can take him outside for a while if he is up to it. This is just so horrible - never lost anyone yet so close to me so don’t know what to do.
I value your advice and opinions, just be truthful and honest with me, I would really appreciate it.
I’d show him the pictures, I think the best thing is to act normally and a bit of distraction may help. Even if he can’t come and see it for himself he then has the opportunity to see it through the photos. Make the best of things and give him a bit of respite from illness. That’s my view anyway. My grandmother had terminal stomach cancer and she used to enjoy watching coronation street and that was something my grandfather remembered she enjoyed up to a few days before she died.
Oh dear, things are going from bad to worse. Just heard, Dad’s Macmillan nurse has been round and is now trying to get Dad into the Hospice asap. Things are looking really bad. My poor Dad, what can I do, going to see him tomorrow and must prepare myself for a shock, apparently he has really deteriorated over the last 2 days. Does this happen so quickly. How do I be my normal self when I am with him, I find it hard to hide my feelings.
I have only just caught up with this thread and I can not even begin to tell you how much I feel for you right now. I lost my dad through non-hodgkins lymphoma when I was 16. He literally deteriorated before our very eyes and it was absolutely horrendous. I could not believe just how quickly the disease took hold.
There are no words right now that anyone can say that will make this better for you. So, I’m just sending you and your family a most humungous 'cyber hug, hoping that if finds you ok
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My thoughts are with you today, particularly as you make your way to visit your dad,
I echo what Kelly says, I lost my dad when I was 21 as you know from my previous thread and it can happen very very quickly.
I would take the pictures in your bag just incase he feels up to looking at it, it seems very important to him to see it at least photos are a good substitute.
As for preparing yourself, you never will. We were asked to go to the hospice and told it would happen that night so we sat and sat as he lay unconcious and he went peacefully that night but it still didnt prepare us for it, nor how hard it was to support my mum at that time as she was also in pieces so we had to be strong for each other.
I will say a prayer for you and your family as I say mine before bed.
I have just got back, don’t know how to describe what I feel. My mum is just so insensitive to my Dad, I am so angry with her. Dad is dreadful, I thought I had prepared myself but when I saw him my world just fell to pieces. He is like a shrivelled up old man of 7st. He is bleeding internally from his stomach, bowel and his waterworks, you just have to tap him and he flinches in pain and no-one seems to care. The Macmillan nurse has said he is trying for a bed in the hospice for Monday but can’t promise anything, Mum has arranged to go out for the day with her friends on Tuesday, how can she leave him, Dad and I just sat together holding hands and crying. I know this sounds so callous and cruel, I just wish he would go to sleep and not wake up. His pain and misery would be over and he would be at peace. Life is so unfair, my Dad wouldn’t and never has hurt anyone, would take his shirt off and give it to a stranger if it would help them.