On 28th April at approx 2.30pm the consultant said he was sorry to tell me it was BC. Apparently he was ‘as shocked as I was’…I DONT THINK SO!! A lump I’ve had for 3 years and they kept telling me was very unlikely to be anything sinister, turned out to be my worst fear. I’d pushed for them to remove it because I was sick of loosing sleep and worrying. I thought I was stressed and worried then…
I’m due to go back in for (not sure of abbreviations and lingo) WLI to try and get clear margins and a SLB on thursday 15th May. Then I start the chemo etc. Im petrified. There doesn’t seem to be any other way of discribing this living nightmare.
Everyone on here seems so dignified and calm and I’m in a total bawling stupor. I can’t see anything but death. I couldn’t eat anything for the first week or so which made me feel even more in a state.
When am I going to calm down about this, my head is totally done in. I have constant nightmares when I do manage to sleep, only to wake to the living nightmare that there’s no escape!
I think I’m actually loosing the plot, I’m sick of crying yet the tears keep coming. All I keep feeling is I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die.
I’m 41 married with 3 kids (10,14&17).
Is there anyone who can explain why I’m not handling it like I should.
Sorry that you have had to join us here and in answer to your question that you are not handling it like you should - there is no right or wrong way to handle this we are all different in how we reat. The good thing to come out of this is that you have joined this forum and will receive loads of support to help you get through. All the ladies on here have had to hear the news of a dx and being on here for support has managed to get them through.
Try and break you treatment down into small managable chunks that you can cope with rather than looking at the whole picture, I was dx in Nov and I am still only taking one treatment at a time. Its too much for you to try and take it all in at once.
Please ask any questions or come on here for a rant - there will always be someone to help you through.
So sorry to hear you news. When you are first diagnosed everything seems very hopeless and death seems the only way to go. I too felt a little like this but after a few days of tears and gnashing of teeth I suddenly found some kind of inner strength. I thought, bugger this, there is NO WAY I am going to lie down to this. I too have 2 children and my husband. Take it a day at a time. There are still times when I sit and have a cry. My family are now comfortable with this as it does not do to bottle up your emotions. Everyone deals with this differently. I hope you find your inner strength real soon. Thinking of you
X
Karen right just break it down. I felt exactly like you, cant think of anything else, thinking you will never feel happy again, crying and thinking that you are going to die. But I think that is shock and you have to give yourself time to come to terms with what is happening. Fortunately it only took me a few days to get my ‘positive head’ back on and it sounds like you have had a really stressful time for quite a while so it could take you a little longer. I have now had my mastectomy and yet to hear when the chemo will start but I feel ok about everything and after all I am going to get over this.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I will try my best to take your advice on breaking the treatments down to managable chunks, everything seems so negative at the moment, you know the glass is half empty feeling!
I can’t get over how calm everyone seem’s on here, I must be a total looney, although maybe that’s nothing to do with the BC!!!
Thank you again Karen for the love & hugs and taking the time to reply to my post, it’s really appreciated and very kind of you.
Hiya
I’'ve just been diagnosed too and I’m so scared… just wanna get out of this nightmare now! My first lot of biopsies came back clear then on Friday he told me that it was there. I’m terrified.
The way you are feeling is completely normal. You’ve had such a shock and your brain will learn to adjust and cope in time. I felt exactly the same as you when I found my lump and was diagnosed. I couldn’t eat or sleep and my doctor had to prescribe something to help calm me down. All I kept thinking was I just can’t believe this is happening to me and I can’t deal with it or cope with it. Exactly like you, I felt like it was a living nightmare. I won’t say it’s been easy, but slowly and over time, I began to deal with it better and better and when I look back, I realise what a long way I’ve come now. I was diagnosed last June and started 4 months of chemotherapy followed by an operation, 3 weeks of radiotherapy and Herceptin for a year.
I think once you start on your treatment plan, you will feel more relieved. You will get lots of support on this website, I certainly did and it is good you’ve found it so early because I didn’t start using it until well into my treatment. You really will learn to cope with what’s being thrown at you. You will see from some of these threads that there are so many people in the same situation as you and by supporting each other, it really helps and gets us through the worst.
I’m really thinking of you and can so emphathise with how you are feeling right now but please do believe things do get better.
Believe me when I say that we have all been at the scared and totally lost it phase and although we seem calm now it hasnt always been so, although you will find it hard to beleive you will soon be the people on here offering advice to those newly dxd because you know the fear that they are going through. Once you have had chance to take it all on board and as I say break it down into manageable chunks it is far easier to cope with and this site is just fab for helping pick you up dust you off and set you on your way again.
You ladies are so kind to spend the time replying to my woes and worries. I really don’t feel any inner strength right now and I’m hoping it kicks in real soon coz I’m running on empty, at least it feels that way.
My hubby keeps telling me all the usual stuff and giving the pep-talk but I just haven’t got that optimism…yet,but I hope it will come. Blimey, the way I feel at the moment, if the C don’t get me the blinking stress will!!
Thank you all again, your support and kind words are invaluable,
love to you all
Dee
x
I think we all deal with it in our own way. For myself, I was in such a state of shock I don’t think I took it in for several months. I was dx in Feb 07, don’t think I threw a wobbly until August!
I was 44 at dx, my children were then 11, 14 and 17.
I have had a mastectomy, 8 cycles of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and am now taking tamoxifen & herceptin.
I’m not going to pretend to you that it has been easy, it hasn’t, but you will get through this. As everyone says, take it a day at a time, look after yourself, and accept any offers of help you receive.
I think the only reason people on here seem calm is because we have had longer than 5 minutes to get used to this sudden and totally unexpected bombshell that has landed on our lives and changed them for ever. You need to take a deep breath, slow down and do what everyone here is saying, take it one day and one step at a time. In the first few weeks the only thing I could see in front of me every moment of the day was cancer, I was consumed by it. Breaking the news to my 18 and 19 year old is the worse thing I have ever done in my life. One minute I was bobbing along quite happily, no fuss, no bother the next thing I’ve got a consultant, a surgeon, a specialist nurse, an aneasthetist, an oncologist, a radiotherapist to name but a few of this ever expanding team around me and slowly slowly I started to trust what they were telling me and I started to believe that I could see a way through this.
All this has been going on since 2 April 2007 when I was sitting at my desk at work and I scratched an itch I suddenly had just above my armpit and put my finger straight on the lump. My head went into a complete spin, I felt like I was having some kind of out of body experience, the office continued to function around me and I couldn’t believe no one could here the alarm bells going off in my head. I went to the doctors the next day and fortunately for me he took it very seriously and referred me the same day. 1 month later I got the DX.
My good news is that I have had all my treatment and have been told that I should now be absolutely fine. I am on 5 years of hormone therapy and will have annual mammograms of course but I am writing this post sitting back at my desk a size bigger with dark curly hair in place of straight blonde hair and my fan blowing in my face to control the hot flushes but well and truly alive and kicking.
I know a lot of ladies on here are coping with a lot more than me and I have absolute total respect for them in their fight for health and happiness.
Firstly can I welcome you to the forums, I’m sorry to read that you are having such a difficult time and I’m sure you will continue receive such valuable and supportive advice from the othe users.
I thought you may also find helpful Breast Cancer Care’s Resource Pack, it has been designed for anyone newly diagnosed with information to help you better understand your diagnosis, test results and various treatments, it is available via the following link or by contacting the helpline: breastcancercare.org.uk//content.php?page_id=7514 You may find our helpline useful to call to talk through the specific concerns about treatment possibilities that you may have, they can talk to you about our other support services too and also offer support, information and a ‘listening ear’. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 Monday - Friday, 9am - 5pm, Saturday, 9am - 2pm. I hope you find this helpful.
It’s so good to hear everyones support and good wishes. I don’t have any other family around other than hubby and kids and as I don’t work, no friends either so this kind of support is very appreciated.
As I said before, I’m waiting for the positive attitude to come, desperately waiting as I feel so down, that’s a bit of an understatement to be honest!
BTW I have ILC and I’m in the Buckinghamshire area.
Maybe I should start a club for the totally scared and frightened, what do you think Ali aka chewbacca? Today has been better for signing up to the site and hearing from you all that have been so kind to spend some time trying to help me.
Thank you all, Ruby, Karen, Debs, Alison, roadrunner and Ali,
love n hugs to you all
Dee
x
Hi Dee, great idea, lets do that!
I start things then can’t finish them!.. I’m off work and it feels odd 'cos there is nothing wrong with me (Aye right!) other than some bruising and unbeleivable levels of terrifiedness (if thats a word) What age are you? where do you live?
I know exactly how you feel, im 35 and was diagnosed earlier this year and I cant believe Im saying this now - it is up and down but I went through all the same emotions when I was diagnosed - nurses must have been sick of me and had permanent shakes and people at work said I looked troubled all the time, i would cry at the drop of a hat and think why me and Im going to die - I never thought I would be where Iam now though - Im the biggest chicken ever and dont know why people tell me Im brave and I thought I wouldnt be out in public and just wanted to crawl in a hole. Terrifed today as seeing oncologist tomorrow to discuss my chemo starting. I always thought it would be the surgery that would be the worst and albeit wasnt pleasant (had masectomy and lymp nodes removed) after 4 weeks I was bridemaid and after 5 back at work and driving and out partying with friends - yes it still hits me like a sledgehammer but most days my heads above water - just hope Im not kidding myself.
Believe me, I never thought I’d be on here saying it gets easier to deal wtih but it does some days - I walk into hosptial and talk to staff withouth thinking about it, yet last year I would be sick just even visiting someone, my fear of needles still looms strong mind!
Keep strong, you’ll discover that you have more strength than you realise
xxxx
Yes Lisa, I know what you mean about the needle thing and hospital’s used to have me extremely stressed…now I just burst into tears in the car park and my hubby drags me around to which department I’m meant to go whilst I bawl my eyes out hanging on him.
I don’t know how I’m meant to manage this thursday (15th) when I go in for more surgery. They’re going to try to get clear margins with a WLE, plus the SNB. Now I’m crying again at just the thought.
Ali, I’m 41 and in Buckinghamshire, u? PETRIFIED is an understatement for how I’m feeling. I know totally what you mean about it spreading. I know this isn’t possible but if you could atleast know you had to go through this c**p but you’d be free of it, it would give you strength maybe to deal with it but if it’s spread, how on earth are you meant to find strength.
My body aches from crying and lack of sleep but my mind’s asking me is the pain really ‘aches’ or has it spread!
I have now found myself wondering around the house swearing to myself??? Heads done in…properly!
As the other ladies have said the way you are feeling is completly normal. I was dx on 21.12.07 at the age of 34. At the time of dx my kids were 1.5, 4 and 7.5. As a parent all I thought about was how long have I got left. My youngest had just started walking and all i could think about is i’m there mother and I need to be here for them.
I couldn’t eat, sleep, concentrate. I was like a rocking horse kept wanting to throw up and friends and family came around alot in the first few weeks of dx and each time i looked at them they in turn gave me a look of pity which made me cry even more. I was also prescribed diazapam which i took for a while to help me calm down and take the edge of things. It was only unitl i got my treatment plan did things calm down abit and as a human we all plan to do things when we get old. For me that plan was thrown out the window and all i could see was death. I started thinking about planning my own funeral - thats how low i felt.
Anyhow - now I;m not going let this thing take my life and niether are you two. Yes it will always be a part of our lives but we have kids and a future to live for and we will all do our best to ensure we are here for us, our kids and hubby/partners. I now do not look into the future and enjoy the present and that is a lesson in its self as we can get so absorbed in the rat race and forget and miss all the beautiful things happening around us. I appreciate things so much more and am greatful to be alive. I’m on my 5th dose of chemo and its not as bad as expected. I manage to do school runs, shopping, eating out alot more than b4 and enjoy whats around me.
Try not to worry too much and keep your chins up
((((HUGS)))))
Sukes
Hi Dee,
Sorry you’ve had to join us (we are a GREAT bunch however)!! I’m Lauren…25yrs old (think i’m the baby of the bunch)??
Everyone reacts in different ways, no-one can believe how positive i am…I’m having to wipe the tears from everyone else’s eyes!!
I had a mastectomy last week, after finding a lump whilst breasfeeding
It’s not anywhere near as bad as i thought it’d be, i’m wearing a mastectomy bra and prothesis and i’ve been wearing lowish cut tops with my big white plaster still on but no-one would even know i only have one boobie!!
I’m due to start chemotherapy next week, followed by radiotherapy and a few years of anti cancer drugs but am soo thankful that i’m here…I’d rather be without both boobs and still be here for my tiny babies… 3yrs & 11 months…
Try to stay positive, i promise it really does help…Get rid of the cancer and start fresh, i’m looking forward to my reconstruction…It’ll be my little present for getting through everything else!
Lots of love to you.x.x.x.x.xx.
Dee
I dont really know what to say except that what you are experiencing is what we all go through in the beginning. Im 41 also and was diagnosed a year ago! It is really cra* to say the least. Things do improve slowly though once you start the treatment.
Hang in there babes.
love Julie X
