I had a mastectomy in july 2006, up to that point i thaught my husband was supporting me. But 2 weeks after my surgery he devastated me by laughing at me and telling me how odd i looked. I was heart broken and have had no support from him since. It seems that it is now impossible for him to even look at me, if i start to undress he will leave the room or turn his back on me. i have questioned him and tried to talk to him (as he also cant bring himself to touch me either) but he tells me its my imagination. This last weekend he has actually admitted that he cant cope with the way that i look now…is this a common reaction?, has anyone else encountered the same thing? im in bits and although i desperately want reconstruction i cant face it for fear of his laughing at me again. Is there any literature out there for partners of mastectomy patients? there does seem to be very little i can do to help him come to terms with things. When i was first diagnosed he said he always knew i was going to get cancer and die! He now seems to have decided that i am going to die and is just waiting for it to happen,
despite the fact that i had no lymph nodes affected and the margains around the cancer were very good. What can i do with this man as divorce seems more and more appealing as time goes by.
Any advice that can be given will be very greatfully received.
Dear Diane
Welcome to the BCC forums where I am sure you will receive valuable support and information from your fellow users during this difficult time. Whilst you await replies, here’s the link to BCC’s publication ‘In it Together’ which is aimed at partners of those diagnosed with breast cancer and your husband may find this useful to read. You can either download a copy or order a copy on line. It contains information about our helpline and organisations which you may also find helpful such as ‘Relate’ which is a relationship counselling organisation and they provide help via the phone, website or face to face:
breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/inittogether_web_0.pdf
Best wishes
Lucy
If its any help Lisa, my daughter, had an immediate recon and she had the LD flap. She was so pleased with it as she said that she felt she still had a boob. Simon … her fiance who she lived with … was wonderful and didn’t mind at all and I think its because she still had a breast. He is one of the most squeamish of people that I know but I think that maybe with some men a scarred breast is better than no breast.
I feel so sorry for you … as if you haven’t been through enough. You don’t need this when your confidence is probably low anyway. Maybe consider the recon even if it only makes YOU feel better. Lisa had her mastectomy and recon late November last year and bought a low cut top to wear on New Years Eve because from the top you would not know that she had had a recon.
Hope this helps.
Love Sue
Rosebud454
Hi Diane, Your husband certainly has insensitivity in bucketloads doesn’t he? Has he always been like that or is it something new.
You don’t say how old you both are and maybe he’s not mature enough to cope with this and embarrassed. What you need around you is positve supporting people. He should not be treating you like this after all you have been through. I too had mastectomy in Aug 2006, followed by chemo. I am being put on the plastic surgeons list for recon in the new year. Having lived like this for over two years, i feel now that one breast is not enough and i need to feel like a ‘normal’ woman and try and get some self esteem back.
Good luck
Rosie x
Hi Rosie,
i am 45 and my husband is 46. He is very insensitive at the best of times and im begining to realise that his way of dealing with things is to avoid talking about them, then that way he does not have to admit that there is a problem. He is what i call a promising person…he promises the earth but cant deliver! But it has taken me 25 years to notice it.
i too have sort of decided that i have had enough of my chicken fillet boob but can not decide what type of reconstruction i would go for once i pluck up the courage to go for it regardless of any possible comments that i might get. i have encountered a few problems besides the attitude of my husband and its partly put me off going back to the hospital. firstly though i must say that i have an excellent surgeon and very neat scar…but it has left me with tight skin tissue that may not be very good for reconstruction and i would also need to have breast reduction on the remaining breast.That is another descision that i need to make.
my first problem was when i had a bad allergic reaction to the steroids that i had prior to my first Adriamycin chemo…it took me a week to get over that,
then i had a dreadfull reaction to the chemo and started to go into multiple organ failure and a rapid decline im my eye sight, so i refused any further chemo treatments. luckily though im still here to tell the tale. (sense of humor in tact !) I was also left with chronic fatigue and collapsed frequently as i just hadn’t got the energy to stand on my own two feet, it was a struggle to get out of bed just to get to the bathroom. and when i did have the energy to get into the bath i had to sit there till i felt i could summons up the strength to get back out again.I also ended up with a frozen shoulder post op. Then 6 months after my mastectomy i was told that i have Osteoporosis with considerable deterioration in my hip joints. It has been a long road for me so far and i still get very tired so i am a little limited to what i can do…but im here, still fighting and im getting better slowly and i think that i will possibly be considering reconstruction when i get to the end of my tamoxifen treatment. i am very hot all of the time on these tablets and i think that now im not on a rollercoaster that travels at maximum speed ( just one that is slowing) i would like to take time and deal with things one at a time. i have felt very bombarded by things and its seemed that every time i thought things could not possibly get worse, they did just that and just to top it all off my father died 9 months after my mastectomy.
On a more positive note though, i had encountered so so many problems all at the same time that i asked for counselling and i was horrified when the only appointment i was offered was with a male psychiatrist! ( no dis-respect to male psychiatrists) so i signed myself up for a part time course that i could work at in my own time and i have qualified as a counsellor…other peoples problems seem so much easier to deal with than my own and they make me see that i’m just not the only person that has problems and decisions to make.
Thank you for your kind words. Diane
Hi Diane
I was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 weeks ago and had a total mastectomy and lymph node clearance on my left side. I had immerdiate reconstruction, the surgeon has put in a breast enhancer, to keep the breast shape and will do another op after my chemo and radiotherapy in about 7 months time. I am only 28 and i felt it was very important to me to have immediate reconstruction as i thought it would help me deal with the whole thig better and make it easier generally. I would say to you, it has definitely helped me, i live with my partner and he thinks it looks fine, i just have a breast shape and a long pink scar currently, but eventually it will be a breast implant and they tattoo a nipple and aerola on. If you yourself feel unhappy with the way you look, i would def reccomend this, it has really helped me feel more ‘normal’ (whatever that is!!) in a very difficult situation.
xxx
When I had my mast it took my OH 6 wks to look at it because he is squeamish. I must admit it is me that has been self conscious about how I look and he swears it makes no difference to him.
It has taken me 2 yrs to come to terms with my appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ‘happy’ with how I look, just accepting, and I now undress etc infront of him, but it took a far length of time.
I think your husband is a brute. Insensitive is too kind a word. I don’t blaim you for considering a divorce.
Good luck, chin up kid.
Irene
Hi all … I had a mastectomy in October 2007 …recon in Jan but as I am in constant pain the finishing touches have gone on hold ie a nipple and they have detected another lump on the mast side so waiting for an MRI on the recon boob on 16 jan .I personally dont like the way I look i look weird undressed but fine dressesd .my oh has never seen my op …and never wanted to and never touched me since !he has issues he lost his mum to BC and cant handle the hold thing as I am “such a strong brave person and can cope with every thing !!!” I quote !! I have resigned myself to the fact that this is how it will be .men are funny cretures not wired up the same as us …I have tried talking to mine but i have given up as long as we dont mention Cancer we get on great !!! Shame isnt it ,
diane - your husband clearly has ‘issues’ and needs help, possibly more help than you do, ironically, you are coping, he isn’t - but he is letting you down when he should be supporting you; grown-up men do not have a problem with the post-m-op female body - it is a loss, a sorrow and a tragedy, but so is all of life, and we cope with that and we help each other through. That is part of what marriage is all about, and your husband is failing you in this. The question is whether he can, is willing, to deal with his problems re your body, because unless he does, it seems to me the marriage is doomed - he has a responsibility there; and if he doesn’t face it, then you are carrying a passenger you don’t need. I am very afraid he thinks that you are going to die so you are no use to him anymore, and so he is mentally ‘making alternative arrangements’ - he is wrong to think like that, and needs to change his thinking in order to be any use to you. Do you think he can or will change his thinking? Do you think he can or will talk to you, or another close person, or a counsellor, either with or without you (he might be able to be more brutally frank if you weren’t there, and if his true thoughts could come out into the open he just might, unless he is really a waste of your time, see how wrong they are.) Sorry if I am being brutally frank myself, I am a bit of a blunt instrument but I am sincerely trying to help, and he is not being exactly tender with you and he ought to be.
s
Diane,
Everybody has said it all really. I’m appalled at his behaviour.
One thing I would say - are you desparate for reconstruction because of his attitude? Or would you have been happy as you are if it hadn’t been for his comments and attitude?
It is major surgery again and you need to be sure you are doing it for the right reasons.
Good look.
Love Caz xxx
Diane your husband and mine must have been seperated at birth I read your thread and I could have vwritten it .I have had this treatment from him for a year now there are other issues but we are very close to breaking up …I really cant take any more today was the final straw we have just had a massive row and I dont want to be with him any more I think it is too late to get back what we have .i look at him and feel dislike almost hatred for the way he has treated me I got sick thats all …i deserve better…have concluded that I am not wasting my life on a selfish fookin idiot no more x
Maz
I so, so sympathise. Whilst my husband has been a tremendous support throughout all treatment the sex side of our marriage is dead and I cannot see it coming back. We have been married 30 years. Maybe I am expecting too much!
Before this I felt an attractive woman for my age, liked clothes, wore make, always took a lot of time with my hair. Now I feel absolutely mutilated. I cannot look at myself. I know of other women who bath and shower in the dark.
A reconstruction has never been discussed for me. I hate the underwear for prothesis. You no longer have the freedom.
Of course I could go on and on. But we all take such a physical and emotional battering. My husband has said nothing hurtful. But treats me like a china doll. I am often ill now. Which I hardly ever was before. We have both become very depressed at the continuous treatment and trips to hospital.
I so sympathise with you its awful when the intimacy goes I too have been married for 30 years this bloody disease ruins everything .I have not had sex no for almost two years !!..after our huge row on new years day and I told him I was leaving he is being so nice to me ,but is it just too little too late do I give it another go ???
I have another lump and a bone and mri on 16 jan so have decided to get that out of the way first then decide .
Dear Diane,
I’m sorry that your husband has behaved in the way he has. I’ve been very lucky. The day after I returned home after my mastectomy operation my husband told me I was to stay in bed and then spent all day in bed with me gently kissing and hugging me. Later on in the week he helped change my dressings. After the dressings came off, when he saw the results of the surgery, he simply said that I was still beautiful and that he couldn’t wait to make love to me. He kissed all my scars. When I decided to have a reconstruction he made it clear that that whether I had a reconstruction or not he would still fancy me, and that the decision must be about how I felt about my body rather than how he felt about it.
Your husband’s reaction is not unheard of but it isn’t kind or honest or tender or loving. Nor is it true to reality. Having a mastectomy does not stop a woman being attractive, interesting, or beautiful. (It’s worth noting that single women often have worries about this and yet still find new partners.)
If you are considering a reconstruction find out all the information you can and remember that the reconstruction has to be about how you feel about yourself rather than just how your husband feels about you. Your husband may be sitting around seemingly waiting for you to die but you don’t have to buy into this. When I was considering a reconstruction a lady in her fifties who had already had a mastectomy and reconstruction came round to chat to me about the operation. She couldn’t stay long because she was on her way to her waterskiing lessons!
Hope that this is helpful. Good luck.
Best wishes,
Sue