my husband is still gone

Well nearly 6 weeks down the road and he has moved into a flat. He still gone but day by day i am getting a little stronger. He seems to be reliving his youth going out all the time drinking etc but also seems to be getting very close to who was my best friend. She has relationship problems of her own and has decided that my husband is her best friend. He is a very private person and I know she has helped him. She doesnt want to speak to me at mo as I am sure she knows what she is doing is wrong. Can anyone suggest how I get through this, if him leaving wasnt bad enough I have lost my best friend. I am so worried they will grow close and form a relationship know I cant stop that but this is devasting me. He said he wouldnt go down that route but I also know he is vunerable with his feelings at mo and is still upset at leaving us all, his choice i know. Is this just a process they go through? Think i was hoping he would be back home by now. He says the feelings have gone for he loves me but not in love with me. I cannot fight with that. Any help on how I deal with it would be appreciated.

karen

Hi Karencats,

I am so very sorry to hear about your current situation. I have to wonder if both your husband and friend have grown closer so as to comfort each other, as they do not know how to comfort you.

It would be very easy for anyone to tell you that it’s their loss, or you’ll get through it - which is all true, but unfortunately does not help how you are feeling at the moment. The only thing I can suggest is to get through things one day at a time. Try to begin each day with something you can achieve by the end of it, even if it’s only ending the day with a smile on your face. Look forward to spending time with your children, maybe try something new.

I think your husband needs time to think about what he wants and maybe work through some of his own issues himself, and hopefully by the time he has and is ready to discuss this with you, you will have the strength to be able to discuss with him what is best for both of you. I sincerely hope that things get better for you in time.

Hi Karen

This website was recommended to me by my Breast Care Nurse and being in a lazy mood, I’m sitting here surfing the net and thought I’d check it out. The first thing I came upon was your message and I felt compelled to post a message.

One day nearly 2 years ago (28th August), my husband came home and told me he loved me but was no longer ‘in love with me’, that he didn’t want to have to care about me, but just wanted to be selfish. Not something I’d ever expected to hear from him (we adored each other and this came completely out of the blue), especially as I’d been told I’d inherited the BRCA 1 gene not more than a year earlier and that I should soon consider preventative surgery. I didn’t know what was happening as I helped him pack a bag for the night…sadly (and this is only my experience), he did not return and we are now divorced.

2 years on (I’m 29 now), I’m finally starting to feel happier…but I will never remember how I felt when my husband left; which is why I had to send you a message. When I look back I remember how fortunate I was to have the support of my friends and family (particularly as I had to start a new job in a brand new Company where I knew no one only 4 days later). I think my determination to not be beaten helped me, along with going to the gym, which filled me with happy hormones and gave me an outlet for the stress and motivated me to achieve something…even 5 minutes running on the treadmill was an achievement when I was struggling to not cry all the time! I definitely agree with dlg23uk when they suggest taking one day at a time (even one day can seem a very long time if you feel helpless, confused, emotional, exhausted and devastated etc) and to achieve something everyday…the sense of achievement might be a tiny boost to make you feel better.

I think that losing your best friend is incredibly tough too…you need to be able to talk and cry with someone. I do hope you have some support around you, people who don’t care how many times you phone to go through your concerns etc. I think that time changes many things and sometimes you might find giving someone space can also change things.

There are so many things I could write on here but I really don’t want to patronise or preach at your or go on about myself…but if nothing else please know that I will be thinking of you and that one day you won’t feel the things you are feeling now. Lots of love, Beck

Hi Karen, i can remember when you first told us about your husband leaving, (had a few ops since) so i was really really gutted to hear that things had not improved and that your best friend is now also involved, i can’t advise you on what to do, except to do just what is best for you and your children, ask for support from your other friends and family, please please don’t be alone

love and hugs

alison

Thank you for your kind words both of you. Well I went out at the weekend got totally drunk snogged a man (which was pretty good). But the husband found out not happy says he knew I would move on and he cried said that all he ever wanted was for me to want him, he said I couldnt even bear to touch him and that has hurt him so much, but there is
no going back and now he can do whatever he likes and with whom (think that was to hurt me). I have had 5 ops over 2 years had the menopause and I am only 39. My libo is nil and no I didnt want sex it hurt so much, I did close off from him but he does not seem to want to look at why. I love him so much but am tired of it all now, I woke up this morning and said sod the lot of them I do not deserve his moods, I saw my so called best friend today and totally snubbed her, I think no one can make me feel any worse and I have to now try and bring myself back up somehow. I no despite what my husband says there are feelings there (why cry) he says not bothered what I do but i am now getting snide remarks about my “boyfriend”. Whether it was a good or bad thing to do it made me feel like I was wanted for a few short minutes whats wrong with that I wasnt going to sleep with him. What will be will be but I have had to fight long and hard for my life and sure i know there are going to be days when I dont want to get out of bed but I know I deserve better. My husband isnt happy now he looks down right miserable but that his choice I just wish he would go and talk to someone other than my so called best friend as I dont think he right but again that his choice.

Oh Karen, you really do deserve so much better in your life, you proved you wanted him, but it really does sound like he has used your illness as an excuse to enlist the pity of so called good friend, who seems no better than he is, its so sad that this man has made you feel this bad, i got diagnosed on the 6th of june this year, i have managed sex with my husband once during my 3 operations, at the moment my sex drive is nil, since going on the tamoxifen i’m too dry to even attempt it, but i have never been accused of not wanting him, as we have spoken of this, mind you, we have been married for 20 years this friday, and yes, i’m sad that even though its our anniversary i know we won be having sex, but we will kiss and cuddle and have a good day out and thats all that should matter to anyone, having quality time together, so i just hope i wake up feeling well, and that we can laugh and joke and have a silly happy day, thats all i live for at the moment, but you do deserve better, you know now that other men find you attractive, go for it girl, you deserve a life, and not all men are incapable of coping with this

love

Alison

Hi Karen,

I can not begin to imagine what you are going through but my thoughts are with you. I think you need to think of your self for once and try to focus on any positives you have at the moment. Do you have a young women’s group in your area? i have contacted my local one and had a great chat with one of the organisers, she was lovely. I have not been able to go to the meetings yet as got called back in for a further operation last week. However i will go next month and have kept in touch. Just an idea for local support and maybe some friend making.

thinking of you
love and hugs
al xx

Hi Karen
I have read your post and feel very sad about all this, and felt I had to ‘talk’ to you, I have been married for 26 years, we are both 45. We have had an eventful marraige, to put it mildly, if you don’t mind me asking, do you think you’r hubby was feeling a bit lost previous to your DX?
I will share this as I think its quite relevant, we split up in 2000 for three months for the first time since we got to gether aged 17, we both had a ‘fling’ to be honest I had more fun than he did, which shocked him to the core, it had always been ok for him to fflirt around etc…anyway, when he left I had a few dates, he was devestated and had a one night stand with someone we both knew, I was upset but thought he had wanted to go with her before, as she had once told me in front of him that he was very talkative to her when I wasn’t around but ignored her when I was around …so knowing men, I knew he fancied her…after he saw that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence he was desperate to come home, I was not in love with him, but still cared, anyway after lots of talks and truths about things from way back, we gave it another go…but we had both needed that time apart, me especially…
It is possible to fall in love again with the same person, and he maybe feeling so bad about everything, maybe he thinks cancer is the end and that he cant deal with loosing you, these sort of things my husband told me last year when I was having chemo, from what you say I think he is struggling with all of this, and maybe the only way for him to come back is to leave, see one of my thoughts is that if he was finished completely with you he would be out partying and meeting ‘new’ people, not ‘safe woman’ if he had the desire to be young and free he would be out having it away with anyone who he got lucky with…this friend of yours has made it easy on him to get comfort, saying all the right things, I bet all they do is talk about you…my husband did this with the one he went with and she told me so…and your husband said that now you have snogged someone that he can do the same…well he left and hadnt done it by then, but is going to now to ‘show’ you…well the truth is you can get over this if you both want to enough, but you have to forgive and accept, so what I am telling you is that if he does go off, but still wants to come back after he has tried the grass on the other side, it is not always the end of the world…and not necessarily something you cant both live with…I know some would say that if their partner ever did this they would not have them back but sometimes you have to let go to keep something, and every relationship is diferent…I personnaly don’t regret splitting up with my OH, should have done it years ago, then maybe would have stopped years of upsets…as when he came back he was the man I first met (boy) and so very nice and lovely, he missed me so much and realised how bad he was treating me, and hated the thought of my loving someone else, and him never having me in his arms again…made him a better man to be honest…
Of course it may be over and this is irelevant but somewhere along the line I don’t get that feeling, but if it is over for good, all the other posts have said it all…

Good Luck

Jax

Thank you for that one jax, he left me 4 years ago and had a fling but was back within 5 weeks. Things were just getting back to normal when I was hit with the cancer. I have had reconstruction that went wrong and have nothing but ops over the last 3 years. Things have been hard on us and I have 3 children 8 and under. We set up a business 2 years ago which has got big very qck and he has admitted that this hasnt helped. He says he loves me and always will but think the feelings have gone, why get so upset when I kissed someone then! He doesnt want to divorce and was supposed to be selling the cars but has done nothing yet! I love him with all my heart by have to admit i have changed and need to find me again. He has struggled with the lack of sex or intimacy and says all he wanted was for me to want him and that I just like the idea of a husband which could be anybody. He now announced he going to spain ( we have a place over there) on which should have been our family holiday, he needs some time away. Maybe this will help who knows feel like he has kicked me in the face and we should have all been going. He was so loving towards me the weekend before he left I had been away and he constantly texting me I just do not understand it and I dont think he does either, but at moment adament he is not coming back, but he still feels the need to text or ring me every day for something trival. It helps looking at your situation and i know that while i sit around looking all forlorn etc he is not seeing the woman he feel in love with and i need to find her for myself. What do you thing jax I just do not know what to do for the best do I give up and move on how much time to I give him? (without him knowing i am giving him that time). As for my friend I know she having problems and feels that she can talk to him as he is a very private person and will listen and not repeat hat she tells him. Think I need to forget about them and concentrate on myself.

Karen

Hi again Karen, i agree entirely with your last sentence, you do need to do that, even though my heart tells me that you would love him to be back and for everything to be back to normal, but how much do you take? and how many flings does he get to have? your a good person, respect yourself Karen, and love the person you are, and you will soon find that people will love you as much as you love yourself. easy words for me i know, but you deserve better than you’ve had.

all my love

Alisonxxxxxxxxx

Hi Karen

so sorry you are going through this, it is not right and it is not fair…I read your letter, and know how much you so want things back to how they were…but to be honest I believe that is not how it should be…men like ours that walk allover us do it because we allow it…Before you even concider getting back with him you need to find yourself, the ‘girl’ you once were before you became besotted with him…I agree with Alison, you do need to love yourself, and respect who you are, a wonderful woman…He is so typical of his type of man, goes off saying he doesn’t want a divorce,( well how wonderful that he still thinks its his discision, ) this is to keep his options open and you waiting hoping that its you he wants?? While I do believe that if you love each other, you can get back together and be a better stronger couple, no way does it just happen, if you dont change and force him to change then nothing will be diferent,but first I would NEVER speak to this woman again, predetory woman are the lowest of the low, you are so sympathetic to her even while writting about her attatching herself to your husband…who cares that she has problems?? so have you and you are the most important person around, and don’t forget that!! Then I would tell him that its over and that he can have the children as often as he wants, maybe in the holiday home in spain…then you can start discovering who you are, minus him…go out enjoy yourself, It is so typical that he has played away from home but your now the baddie, and forced him to go out and do what he likes…well he was doing that anyway, he is a control freak, I hope you realise that…there are some wonderful men out there, with 6 billion in the world, surely we are not destined for only one! I have sorted my husband out Karen, but only through breaking free of his spell…and to be honest if your’s is the sort that cant come to terms with you ‘going out’ with someone else, while he is out doing just that…then you have no future…He is a lost cause and you deserve so much more…But if he is like mine and can come to terms with the fact that you deserve to be treated with respect if he is to have you in his life, maybe after a time apart you can sort this out…You ask about a time…well I did know a couple who split up after many years of marraige that did give a time limit on getting back together, 6 months…they agreed that after that time they would meet and decied to remain married or split…and never mention who had done what with whom in the intrim, they got back together both realising that they wanted to spend their lives together, and how wonderful they actually were…that was 25 years ago and they are now pensioners and together…This is the acceptance and forgiveness I was talking about… but not everyone are as level headed as this and cant help but throw up the past on every occasion,…

I hope you have another good friend you can talk to and get suport off Karen, not all woman are like ‘her’ and if not please talk to your family,

Love Jax

Hi

Thanks to both of you for your comments. I know deep down what I have to to and that I have to let him go to come back (if that going to be the case). It very difficult as if you knew him he is normally the most considerate guy you could come accross and all our friends are so shocked it is so unlike him to be acting in this way. I know what happened 4 years ago takes some kind of man to do that but I nearly did the same thing so I suppose I kinda forgave him (he doesnt know that mind). If He had been some kind of controlling figure or a very distant person this would have been so much easier. He is only 34 coming up to 35 and never had to stand on his own two feet. Maybe that what he feels he needs to do and I know he will always love me but maybe not enough for me. Think that why am so sad about it all we have been through so much and he has been so very good all the way through, but at mo his moods are too much to deal with. He has now asked if I mind two male friends can go to spain next week although he doesnt want to go out drinking all the time, but maybe that what he needs to do to find grass aint greener. I know I can only wait so long and have already been asked out by three guys to which i have declined i not ready my heart is elsewhere for now. Just wish I didnt feel so sad. I went to clairvoyant tues, who got the situation down spookily but said I need to gain control back just not sure how?

Karen