Hi everyone, I have posted on here recently about my mum’s secondary diagnosis.
Last Monday she went to get her chemo tablets at the hospital, at that appointment they kept her in and she died on Sunday. I had been with her the previous Monday to see her consultant who had assured her she would be starting treatment that week only to go back on that due to no appointments being available. My dad spoke to the consultant on the phone on the Wednesday and explained that my mum was getting extremely ill and described all her symptoms; she told him that although it looked distressing to him they see it every day and she would be fine to wait. I also spoke to a registrar at the hospital who did sound concerned but was overruled by the consultant and she did say they wouldn’t have been able to fit her yet anyway. My dad also phoned the hospice because he was so worried but they also said she could wait for her hospital appointment.
I feel so upset every time I hear my dad re-telling the whole story because after being told there were lots of treatments for my mum to try for her liver mets she never even got the chance to try a single one.
Apparently this is rare but it’s not like no one had told them the symptoms! Surely someone should have helped my mum earlier?
I just feel so gutted for my mum and my dad, they had so much to look forward to and my dad seems so lost.
Hello Julie
I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. Lots of people here will be thinking of you with love.
I hope that you and your family are able to find a way of getting through your grief
monica xxx
Julie so sorry to hear of your loss. I do so hope that you will find some way of coming to terms, eventually, with the circumstances of your Mum’s passing.Sending you hugs J xx
I’m sure we can all hear the pain in every single word you’ve written. I’m so sorry you lost your lovely Mum so quickly and unexpectedly. Sadly, I’m afraid I have no answers for you - all I can think is that although there’s more that can be done for this ugly so-and-so of a disease these days, it still isn’t always the case unfortunately, and wasn’t so in your Mum’s case. You must feel so bitter that her treatment couldn’t have started earlier - it may well have bought her extra time with you that was true quality time with her loved ones, but equally so, perhaps her liver mets might have been too advanced, and she may still have passed away - and perhaps even as quickly as she sadly did.
Oh Julie, I’m just trying to find the words and possible explanations for you - I do hope that nothing I’ve written here has upset you, cos I’ve not intended to - quite the opposite in fact!
I can only extend big, gentle virtual hugs to you at this awful time. Please take all the time you need to come to eventually start to come to terms with losing your precious Mum. xxx
Dear Julie,
I lost my Mum in similar circumstances to secondary BC some 25 years ago. I was very very angry and blamed the staff in the end but it is just a reaction because you’ve lost your lovely Mum.
Cancer is so utterly unpredictable…
My Mum went in for tests and never came home again despite planning to end her days at home. It broke my heart and I still can feel the pain of losing her so many years later…
I was dx nearly two years ago now and of course I have a greater understanding of BC now.
Maybe the consultant did get it wrong but whatever happened your Mum was obviously deteriorating… It is so hard to accept such news especially when you love someone so much.
I really do hope you have some wonderful memories of your Mum when she was well and healthy. Try and remember those rather than her in the last stages…
Such a difficult time for you and your family.
My heart goes out to you.
At least your Mum is suffering no more… She is at peace now.
Take comfort from this. The anger can be a symptom of your pain.
None of this is easy…
I trust you can accept my posting,it is well meant, I can assure you.
Hello Julie
I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I can feel the pain in your words and I hope that you can, in time, feel less pain and you can remember all the good times you had together.
hi julie just read your post. so sorry to her about your mum. dont know how old you are or your mum. i lost my mum in 2008 age 64. she battled bc for 17 years. in 2009 age 40 i was dx with bc. i miss my mum so much and know the pain and heart ache you and your dad are going through. thinking of you and your family at this very sad time. gaynor xxx
So sorry to hear your news - I know how hard this is as my mum died just two weeks after being dx with secondaries 9 years ago. You will have so many questions and “what ifs” in your mind at the moment and it is so hard to come to terms with. There is nothing I can offer to make it easier - in my case I came to realise that the only thing that might have changed anything would have been if a dx could have been made MUCH earlier, but it wasn’t and it was just too late, but of course I don’t know if that would have been the same for you.
So sorry for your loss.
X
I am so so sorry to hear your news.My thoughts are with you and your Dad and other family. It is hard losing your loved ones and particularly so in these circumstances. Of course you are angry, maybe when things are a little less raw you might think about going to the hospital PALS unit to talk about your concerns about your Mums treatment, but for now you need the strength for yourself and your DAD.
No one can say anything to take away your pain but I do know that eventually the pain becomes less raw and you will be able to think about your lovely Mum and the good memories without it hurting as much.
A part of your Mum is always with you and I hope that the knowledge of her everlasting love will give you the strength you need to get through your grief.
Julie, I don’t have anything useful to add, other than to send you and your dad my best wishes.
I lost my mum 28 years ago and still think of her just about every day as some point or another - whether it’s when the kids do something silly and I wonder what my mum would have thought of that, or I see something funny and think to myself “mum would’ve laughed out loud at that.” So in a way she’s still with me. I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you don’t ever completely lose her as long as she stays in your thoughts.
Dear Julie, I’m so sorry to hear your Mum has passed away. I began writing to you on your other posts because you seemed to be having the same problems I had, my family had, when my Mum died of ovarian cancer, she was a very young 71. Mum was diagnosed 14 days before she died and like your Mum had the sudden swollen abdomen that the hospital never drained for her. She was admitted to hospital because she was told she would receive a CT scan quicker but then waited nearly 14 days before she finally had the scan. Two days before she died one doctor told her she would be starting chemo the following week the very next day a doctor ‘reassured’ Mum if she died over the weekend they would not resuscitate her. (All during this time we were asking questions and getting all sorts of different answers. My sister was practically living at the hospital.) Afterwards they admitted they had even put the wrong cause of death on her death certificate. And as we sat with Mum after finally being told her organs were shutting down and she was dying they were giving her antibiotic shots. This all happend 3 years ago. My sister asked to see my Mum’s hospital notes and was constantly stalled over ‘patient confidentiality.’ In the end we knew nothing could now change our circumstances and my sister is still traumatised by the way things were handled 3 years on. I fully accept my Mum was in the very late stages of ovarian cancer but we were constantly fobbed off and even on Mum’s last day we realised she was dying and just took it upon ourselves to stay with her but the staff never told us this was the case until nearly the very end. Take very good care of yourself, you and your family would have been such a huge comfort to your Mum during her last days. I’m sure of that. I’m so very, very sorry. Lots of Love, Belinda…xx
Julie, the first thing I would like to say is how sorry I am to read about your sad loss.
The second thing is that for your own peace of mind, I would urge you to write to the Oncologist in charge of your Mothers treatment, to ask why treatment was not initiated earlier. I really hope your Mothers Oncologist can reassure you, but equally, if there was a degree of negligence (which is what I sense you are worried about), then at least you can lodge a complaint, to try and prevent a similar situation occurring again.
God bless.
Julie,
Firstly im so sorry re your loss.
It reminds me of my dads death 2 weeks before his 65th…we had planned a big party in Leeds. We live in Belfast…
Dad wad dx with prostate cancer 3 years earlier, just dx with bone mets…first appt with onc on mon, suddenly died the sun before due to a bleed…multi organ failure, he was peeing blood, my mum being mum, had a num for cancer ambulance, so waited hours rather than calling 999…i couldnt get there for a couple of hours as i was in dublin…im a nurse and cant explain what the emergengy meant as mum wont want to bother anyone… He died 2 hours after i arrived at a and e…
He had been taking anti inflammateries for bone pain and was on asperin, about to start a new drug the next day…night before had a great night out for a meal with mum and friends…
A very fit man,still running…Life in unfair…and now both mum and i have BC!,
Jill
I am so sorry that this has happened and in this way. It is awful for us all to recognise that our doctors, who we trust can be so wrong about this disease. I hope you and your family can grieve for the loss of your mum before finding out if something more could have been done to treat her. I really want to send you my condolences, take care. Debx
Dear Julie,
So sorry to hear your news, there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better at the moment, but here is holding your hand. My Mum died in January from bc, she never got the chance to have any treatment either, but because she went down so fast. She died within a month of her secondariness diagnosis. Life is just not fair sometimes.
Take care of yourself now
hugs
Maria
My father died of stomach cancer 30 years ago now and there wasnt any treatment other than surgery. My father died 6 months after diagnosis, my mum and i were warned and given plenty of time to prepare and spend the time with him before he died. Just wanted to add this so that people know that it isnt always like this. I am so sorry that you didnt get the chance to prepare for your mums death and that it was in such a difficult way. Thinking of you xx
Dear Julie
I’m so sorry to read your post. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad time. Again like CM I lost my dad 20 years ago, and he is also still with me. I hope you and your family find some comfort soon.
With love BD xxxx
So sorry to hear your news Julie
You have been so supportive of your mother that I am sure you have many happy memories of her and I hope that with time you will be able to refocus on those
Thoughts are with you and your family
xx