my wife

my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 mos ago. We have gone through chem and are half way through radiation. She has become hateful towards me and our children. Saying that I have turned them against her. I have done everything I know of to help her through this time but she doesnt see it that way. Could this be menopause? we have been married 18 years and she is considering divorce. Has anyone else heard of anything like this?

Hi scotty

Whilst you await replies from your fellow users, here’s the link to BCC’s publication ‘In it Together’ which is aimed at partners of those diagnosed with breast cancer. You can either download a copy or order a copy on line. It contains information about organisations which you may also find helpful such as ‘Relate’ which is a relationship counselling organisation and they provide help via the phone, website or face to face:

breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/inittogether_web_0.pdf

Best wishes
Lucy

Hi Scotty4

I am not a psychologist or a counselor so all I can give you is the benefit of my experience.

When I was diagnosed with BC in September 2007 it was the most devastating time of my life. I thought I was going to die. I felt resentful as I felt that men always remarry and someone else would swoop in and take over my husband and my children. I have worked hard to help my husband further his career moving all arond the country (usually with a baby attached to my hip and with no help from my family) to enable him to get promotions.

As soon as I was diagnosed I began 6 months of chemotherapy. I hadn’t been through the menopause but hurtled headlong into it overnight as a result of the chemicals. I had a mastectomy and all my lymph nodes removed and then needed radiotherapy. I am now on hormone treatment to stop me producing oestrogen as my cancer was exteremely sensitive to this hormone. My oncologist tells me that I have had a double hit as I didn’t trickle gently into the menopause as most women do. Also post menopausal women still produce some oestrogen but as I am not producing any he tells me that my symptoms will be more fierce(hot flushes, mood swings etc.)

My husband has been wonderful throughout my treatment but I still have times when he infuriates me and I critcise him. I think he realises that it is still a difficult time for me and never gets into a confrontation.

Have you explained to your wife how incredibly proud you are of the fact that she has undergone such difficult treatment and that it has been very hard for you seeing the person you love in such turmoil? Talk to your wife about your fears of losing her and how you want to do everything you can to keep your marriage. Ask her what you can do to help her. Support and reassure your wife .Tell her that you have plans for your future life together and what they might be.

Good luck!

dear Scotty

I am also not a counselor, but can only draw on my own experience. Even setting aside the menopause, the whole diagnosis and treatment for bc is deeply disturbing in ways which are not just physical, and then to add in the hormone fluctuations of the menopause it is not surprising that we sometimes behave in an aggressive or distressing manner. I certainly did and said things I now regret. I can only echo the advice above, try to keep very calm and reassure your wife of how much you love her and how important your marriage and future together is. I am sure you have done everything you can think of to help, but maybe there are some things you can’t spot and which she is reluctant to say, so do keep talking and asking. Perhaps more time to herself might help, so finding ways of taking the children away for a short spell may give her some quiet and privacy which she may welcome.

Best wishes

Sarah

Hi Scotty

I can only ditto the advice above but wondered, if you find it hard to talk together without getting into a confrontational situation could you write it down in a letter maybe. Tell her how you feel, how you and the children are so proud of her and that you all love her and want to see this thing through together as a family.

I kept a journal whilst I was having treatment which I found the other day whilst clearing out my undies drawer ready for the Christmas delluge and I sat and read it. It brought back how bad it was and how hard the treatment was but also made me realise how far through it I have now come [treatment finished Jan 08 apart from now on tamoxifen]. The written word can be very powerful and can’t easily be interrupted with the classic “Yes But” habit that we all have that stops us saying what we need to say.

Good Luck to your wife and I really hope you can get through this awful time in one piece.

AJxxx

Hi Scotty

I don’t know whether your wife visits these forums but maybe you could point her in this direction and let her get some of the feelings out in the open that she might be bottling up. BC is devastating and the onset of the menopause is equally devastating. You don’t say how old your children are and if its difficult for you all to talk to your wife/mum why don’t you write her a letter and leave it so she can read it alone.

Best Wishes

Anniemay

Hi Scotty,

My wife too has this dam BC. We have been OK, but it may just be that she is being this way with you to protect you ? It may be that she actually knows you love her and she loves you, but she knows this is a terminal disease and it may just be she is trying to distance herself from you to protect you in the end.

Terry

After my rads had finished and i started taking Tamoxifen it was like " well, thats it then, you have HAD cancer, its been bloody terrible BUT you have had it removed , you have finished your treatment so lets forget it now and get on with our life", i think most men seem to have this opinion. Its much more deep rooted than that.
Also i think the hormone thing is playing a huge part in your wifes actions plus we dont know how your relationship was like before she was diagnosed.
I hope you sort it all out. I like the idea of writing it all down in a letter.Good luck

With all due respect Terry, a diagnosis of breast cancer does not automatically mean it is a “terminal disease”. I intend to live to see all my children grow up and realise their true potential in life and be happy and settled. Modern medicine now means that more people than ever are surviving and after 10 years post diagnosis are getting the “all clear” because they are at no greater risk than any other woman on the street.

Hi Scotty,

I’ve no kids & my partner has been so supportive throughout what sounds like the same treatment route as cora123. I’ve had the same symptoms/side effects & my consultants have told me exactly the same things - the treatment has changed my character completely & I hate myself for that even though I know it’s not my fault. My partner just tells everyone I’m bad tempered etc because of the drugs !!!

I also like the idea of writing things down & think that would help without you both getting upset etc if you were to discuss it. I’ve bottled stuff up & it’s not good but that’s the way I am. Perhaps you could show your wife this site, what you have written & the replies.

Wishing you both all the best & don’t let this disease ruin things,

liz

Hi Scotty
I am no expert but was dx in Augs and half way through my treatment and all i can say is some times when we are scared we hurt the ones we care for. I felt like leaving when i was dx not because i had no love for my family but because i did the worry on their faces and concern i felt i could only take away by not been around them but when we talked and i relised thats what their fear was it made me stronger.
I can’nt guess how your wife is feeling now but for me my fear will be worse when i know all my treatment has stoped and i am approching my mammagram as i will feel i am on my own and not been sure of the future is very upsetting she may feel she doing this out of love not resentment like liz said if you can not talk try writing your feelings down on papper or through a email or prehaps get her to come on to the forum and air her fears.
Poppetx

Hi Scotty

Again I’m no expert, but this thing does make you feel like an alien - you are physically disfigured, loaded with drugs then moved about like a piece of meat on the radiotherapy machinery (albeit that the radiotherapists are really lovely), your self confidence takes a battering and you don’t know who you are or how you fit into the world any more. It may be that she is scared now coming to the end of her treatment, a lot if us feel abandoned then after such intense medical input, and because so much has happened since diagnosis it may only be now that she has the chance to draw breath and think about what has happened to her.

My husband probably thinks he has done all he can to help me through this, but he has not done what I would have done if it were him; perhaps talking to her about what you can do to help her better might be of benefit? It might only be something little that makes her feel better.

Good luck
Kinden
x

Hi Scotty,

Having a BC dx really does your head in. I was horrible to my OH, I have kicked and punched him, told him I hated him and wished i had never met him. I have shouted and been really impatient with the kids. I started drinking a bit too much and kicking off at my friends.
It didnt help matters when my Mum died suddenly at 61 of a heart attack just after my 3rd Chemo. I found my self resenting people with a happy healthy life also.
After Rads finished I started feeling a little happier and its been up hill all the way. I still feel down sometimes and I worry like mad about every ache and pain but almost back to normal, and my OH just took it on the chin and now just laughs about my behaviour.

Your wife may be depressed so should speak to her Gp. Best of luck with everything.
Love Andrea xx

Cora, of course I was not meanining for all it is terminal, but it is a chronic disease, however the mental result may just be the same.

XX

hi all … I am a year on from DX …This disease has ruined my re;lationship with ,my husband we dont talk we do nothing together when i was first DX I wanted to deal with it on my own …I pushed him away but having said that he kept me at arms length never touched me or spoke about stuff and how I felt about myself post mastectomy …a year on we live in the same house I cook i clean I go to work we do nothing together …he drinks a lot and it gets me down so I am usually in one room and he is on his laptop chatting to his “mates” if i say anything to him he says that we are fine ,but we are not .He has been out of the country for over a week and he is due home tomorrow…I wish he wasnt coming ! I am a vile person I cant help myself and my moods I really dont know what to do for the best …I wonder would I miss him if he wasnt there I really feel like I have been taken over by an alien I have changed so much !!! what i really want is to be happy and not just have to make do it is so hard …if only my OH would tell me how he feels that would help .

There is more to this disease than just surgery and treatment it goes much deeper than that

Hi everyone,
I too had a personality change after primary diagnosis, I had key hole surgery to remove my ovaries the mood swings were unbelievable in a row I broke in my bare hands a lecruset dish, did I feel guilty did I hell I just miss the dish and looking back I know it was madness. Now dealing with secondaries there is a bit of anger that my life has been cut short and sadness that I will have to leave my loved ones but I feel there is no point wasting energy, I just use what I have to enjoy my shorter than expected life.
Mazaroo just imagine your hubby had lost his willy, would he be feeling terrible, would he withdraw from you, would he be vile and have bad moods? I have never met him but I bet the answer is yes. Would you tell him how you felt or would you turn to your lap top? Maybe if the answer to this is yes you have still got a lot in common and it could be time to talk.

Love Debsxxx

I am also seeing big changes in my wife’s mood. She is on her 5th cycle of 8 She balmes me for every thing she would not talk to me now we have a two year old daughter as well. What I find distressing is her Jekl and Hyde character she is mostly quite nice to her freinds but truns her anger on me. Is this normal?

Haile,
Please don’t think your wife is deliberately being horrible.I’ve just finished my treatment and still don’t feel 100%.I’m so lucky that I have a great hubby and family who just laughed when I had the odd tantrum and blamed it on the “cheeky chemo” and steroids.Most of us have had to cope with surgery,pain,sickness,tiredness and all the symptoms of the menopause as well as disfigurement and hair loss.With the best will in the world it can be difficult to stay cheerful even with a naturally cheery disposition.Anyone outside my family would say they thought I was coping wonderfully as they never saw me on my bad days(or should that be months!)It’s a sad fact of life that those we love most get the worst as well as the best of us.I’m sure your wife cares as much as she ever did for you.She’ll just need a bit of patience and understanding.

Incidentally,my mum keeps on saying she “really feels for” my huby and he’s doing a grand job with me.She nursed my dad through cancer for 4 yrs,so knows how hard it is for partners.Good Luck!

Tricia

Hi all,

If you’ve not come across the article below it is a good read.
Dr Harvey(a clinical psychologist) seems to articulate some of the confusing feelings cancer patients experience.

cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResClient/1761049276601BD68025735B00604834/FILE/article3.pdf?openElement

or Google ‘Dr Peter Harvey end of treatment’

Regards
Misha

Hi Scotty
So sorry to hear you are having this problem within your relationship. My wife was diagnosed some years back, but I still remember similar problems between us. In our case it was partly to do with her medication, in our case Tamoxifen. My wife suffered the most horrendous side effects. It appears to affect different people quite differently, and I believe many drugs are hormone based, depending on the type of cancer. One thing we men don’t understand is hormonal mood swings.
The one thing my wife wanted was to do everything she could, and not be treated like a “china doll”. Of course it was necessary to be there for her as she tired easily, and there were many things that were beyond her.
As a peer supporter I have spoken to many men in similar situations, and the one (and only) thing I always advise is that it is her condition, and she must be allowed to manage it in her own way.
I reall do hope you come through this together. Contact the BCC helpline if yiu want to talk to a Parner Volunteer peer supporter, there are still a few of us left. It’s the same phone number as for the ladies.
All the very best to you both
Steve