I am feeling really upset tonight as I do not know how to respond to my 7 yr old sons reaction to my hair loss through chemo. He has seen me very poorly due to surgery and treatment and has been coping amazingly. Until I started loosing my hair. He wants me to wear my hat all the time and has made me promise that I never pick him up from school without the hat, which I appreciate and understand fully. However this evening he has said looking at my bald patches frightens him and is beginning to keep away from me. He always loves his hugs usually. What is going through his head? My husband is bald naturally and this doesn’t bother him. We are quite open as a family and I’ve said as soon as my treatment ends my hair will grow back. I am at a loss at what to say to him. Any tips please would be really appreciated.
I’m sorry your little boy is so worried about your hair loss…does he think this means things are worse than they are??Is this waht is really scaring him, or has he heard comments from his friends or some of the other parents?? I run a preschool nursery and prepared my children there some while ago for this, once i knew i was definately going to have chemo.I told them I was poorly and that, in order to make me well again, the doctors were going to give me some superstrong medicine (which, i also told them was not like the medicicines they get for their coughs, colds and other bugs!!).I told them it was SO strong, it would probably make my hair fall out and what did they think of THAT?? of course, they laughed, as they probably didn’t belive me, or the notion that medicine could ever do that to someone was so alien to them.Howver, they did ask why I had to have such strong medicine, so i told them that there is something wrong inside me…which set them off on more questions…so I told them that the ‘something’ is called cancer, but the doctors have told me they can make it all better and then my hair will grow back again.So, hair starts to fall,and the children, by now quite knowledgeable started to comment…‘oh! is your hair falling out??It’s your medicine isn’t it??’ and then when i decided to cut the whole lot off, i didn’t bother wearing a hat or scarf…one or two of the parents laughed inevitably, which shamed them, i think, in front of their wonderful children, who have taken it in their stride and don’t really mention it at all, other than to tell me (in case i have forgotten…they know i’m VERY old at 56! and that i do have small memory lapses, usually when we’re playing counting games, so i can check if they are really listening, but it works, they think i’m old and doddery now!) that I have cancer, i have strong medicine…but with very sincere expressions on their faces, they tell me ‘it’s going to make you better, you know’! Love them all.I have also realised that I have a beautifully shaped head!
So, the point is, reassure your son, tell him this is a temporary blip ( it is, for most of us after all) and that it’s just one of the s/e’s but helping to make you well again.Good luck, and get some funky scarves, or a wig if it makes you fell better when you go out.
Thank you your reply. You sound wonderful with the children and so positive. I feel so so guilty and stupid right now as it appears that my hair loss has coincided with Jade Goody’s and he thinks that as we both have cancer that I too am going to die. I wasn’t even aware that he knows who she is. The trouble is I am having tests for mets right now so I just said among lots of other things that I hope to be around for a long while yet!! What else could I say? I know this all sounds so morbid but I just needed to voice this. I HATE THIS BLOODY DISEASE!!!IT IS CRUEL TO US AND OUR LOVED ONES. I was only saying yesterday how much better I was feeling and how much more in control I felt. Well I suppose this is a rollercoaster ride after all isn’t it.
Sorry everyone
Dee
Hi DosyDee,
My heart goes out to you at this terrible time. I know what you mean, we all deal with our illness the way we see fit but it’s our loved ones that have to watch us and sometimes it does effect them worse than us.
My 11 year old son had a real issue with my hair loss, once mine started to fall out I shave it to a no.1 then took a body scrub to it and the rest came out then. He couldn’t stand to look at me with my bald head. The thing is when I out my buffs on my self esteem hit rock bottom. He is older and I explained to him in as easy a way as possible that yes I have lost my hair but it is because the drugs are doing their job. I told him I had to have the chemo to beat this awful disease or he may lose me. He quickly saw sense. My 8 year old was the opposite he told everyone at school to come see his baldy mum.
There is a project called Climb, the Ulster Cancer Foundation here in N. Ireland run it but there may be similar near you. The project works through kids emotions using art and drama therapy. They explain chemo by blowing bubbles, they get 1 person to blow good cells and someone else to blow “cancer” cells and then the kids run through them, it shows that all the bubbles burst because the chemo can’t tell the difference sometimes, it is very crude but might get the idea across.
The Jade thins has it’s pluses but obviously for you it is causing your son undue stress. Be honest with him to an extent and try not to promise anything. I had lymph involvement but luckily everything else came back clear but I never once promised anything to my boys.
Talk to your breast care nurse for contacts for support groups or organisations which can help with counselling etc. And please don’t feel you need to apologise we all go through mixed emotions and it’s good this site is here to vent our frustrations and fears.
Thanks for your reply Lisa, so glad you understand. It would be great to find out of some organisations here to help children cope with these difficult times and perhaps for him talk to someone who is not mum or dad. I have tried to call my breast care nurse, awaiting her reply. I have also spoken to him about poor Jade Goody and I am hoping he feels better today.
Thanks again and if anyone knows of any organisation recommended to them I would appreciate your help enormously.
Dee
I was diagnosed on the 12/02/08 and had op and then first lot of chemo on 30th Jan, that night I started having nightmares that I would wake up the next morning and my long waist length hair would be on my pillow. So on the monday (and after 3 nights of little sleep due to worrying) I felt really low and thought this cannot get any worse I decided to ask my OH to give me a number 3 haircut! I have 4 children who are 6, 4, 3 and 1 and they were in the room when it was done I was devastated but in a way having them there kept me strong. I then started wearing hats and scarves when I eventually plucked up the courage to go out. I explained to my two oldest children that I was going to have “strong” medicine and that my hair would fall out and then rather stupidly agreed that they could draw on my head when it eventually went altogether (which is going to be any day now!) I have been very open with my kids since my op until now I dont openly use the “c” word becos I dont think that even I have excepted that was what I “had” my way of coping is thinking this chemo and radiotherapy malarkey is my way of seeing my kids grow up and that what I tell them…right or wrong if I dont believe it then what chance has my body got of fighting.
Anyway my whole point is that this whole experience has taught me how resilient children are and that if you are open and honest with them you reap the rewards. I have to admit Jade Goody being all over the papers helped me explain the difference between what she is going thru and my situation and when they saw her on telly yesterday they didnt comment on her hair loss they just said “look at her big lips” which I was pleased about cos it means that the hair thing doesnt matter to them, they tell me everyday “you look beautiful mummy” and really thats all that counts. I think your little boy will get used to it in time, he prob just needs to adjust because in reality what all us poor women are going thru changes our lives let alone those around us and we all have to take time to get used to new routines etc.
I wish you well and I too hate this bloody awful disease we are all encountering…it has turned my life upside down!!!
Hi
Thanks for replying
Yes it does turn your life upside down and life must be pretty tough coping with your treatment and 4 kiddies under 6 as well as all the emotional turmoil this disease brings. I hope you have lots of support especially after treatment. You are right kids are so resilient and perhaps I’ve taken that slightly for granted recently with my son because he’s always coped so well, infact it was my 11 year old daughter who found it terribly difficult at first. So I was a little shocked when my son started having problems. He has a friend over for a sleepover this evening so that’s a distraction.
Hope everything goes ok for you wish you well also.
Thanks again
Dee
It is very tough at times Ive lost count how many times I have cried in the shower, I am sure your children will come round it must be heartbreaking for them to see their lovely mum coping with all this and as I always say to people “I have to carry on regardless” because although I have a great OH (who I have found out can cook and clean!) I have a great mum and dad who are here for me all the time helping with the school runs etc but the times inbetween when Im on my own I just get on with it and ignore all the bad side effects which our treatment brings.
Please let me know how it goes with your children and I will be thinking of you.
julie
xxx
ps. I completely agree with you when you say although children are resilient we take that for granted…I never thought of it that way!
Just to let you know that it’s been a better week for my little one. It may be because we’ve been discussing it more and i’ve acknowledged his feelings and let him know it’s ok for him frightened or embarrassed that mummy is losing her hair. I also spoke about the time when my husband decided to shave his already balding head and the first time we went out I felt embarrased. To be honest I only just remembered that I felt like that. Shame on me!!
I think we both agree however resilient children are we must not take it for granted and perhaps ask them from time to time how they are feeling about what’s going on for them in their lives. That’s probably the same for the rest of the family- to be asked how they are doing or coping?
In fact we went to church today and someone asked my husband how he was doing and he said it is really hard but he has to be strong for me and the kids. He also said it wasn’t about him because I am going through it. But it’s not we are ALL going through it.
Hope you are ok and I am so glad you have lots of support around you.
Take care
Dee
Im so glad the children are better about it now, Ive think you have handled it brilliantly, not only do we have to keep ourselves going through these horrible times we also have to keep everybody else going which isnt easy. My OH is really good but I know he finds it really hard on all kinds of levels, like helping out more at home (cos I do spoil him!) and also the emotional support he has to give me which before he didnt have to cos Im a fiercely independent person who doesnt ask for help ever …until now!
Funny you say about your husband shaving his head and you were embarassed it made me think about when me and my oh (pre-kids) were on holiday in wales one year and he used the clippers to give himself a number 2 but they didnt work so we had to shavce his head, his head was pink and his face and body were brown and I remember him getting out of the car and I was sooooooo embarassed! Shame on me … cos he has been so good about my hair well at least I think so!
Its so true that we go thru it as a family, including my mum and dad cos I know it has taken its toll on them but they dont like to say.
Horrible times eh?? I just had my second lot of chemo on Fri so feeling a bit queasy today, still that 2 out of 6 done so thats something to be grateful about!
How many treatments have you got left and what are you having?