As some of you probably already know, I finished my chemo on 31st August, had mastectomy and node clearance on 3rd October, and am now waiting for my rads to start - which will be 26th November for 3 weeks.
Having too much time on my hands has got me thinking negative thoughts (not like me I know). This seems to be quite a wait between my chemo finishing, and my rads starting. Although I’ve had a mastectomy and my Surgeon confirmed all the cancer had gone, what if “something” has happened while I’m waiting for my rads ?? Could it be elsewhere ??
Sorry to be a pain, I know I’m usually Mrs Positive, but I’m not feeling it right now !
I too start my rads on the 26th November for 4 weeks having finished chemo at the end of October. On my ‘wobbly days’ i also wonder the usual, has the chemo worked?, what if one of those stray cancer cells escaped and is whizzing round my body ready to rear its ugly in a few months. Even reasurance from the doctors will never take those thoughts away.
I have read a few of your posts and you do seem positive most of the time, but you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have these thoughts sometimes so don’t beat yourself up about it.
I guess for all us girls coming to the end of our treatment we have to learn to cope with our ‘dark thoughts’, and thank god for this fantastic forum.
You have come through so much, give yourself a pat on the back and good luck with the rads, where are you having your treatment?
Bless you for your comments. Like you say, I suppose most of us do have these dark thoughts at times, and my problem is I’m stuck at home most of the day now, which gives me lots of “thinking time” - which isn’t maybe such a good thing ! Have already planned to hit the shops tomorrow and have lunch out - retail therapy always helps - lol !
I’m having my rads at Addenbrookes in Cambridge - takes about an hour to get there from here . Bit of a pain, but its got to be done ! Where are you having yours ?
Thanks again for your message. As we both start our rads on the same day, we’ll have to compare notes !
I agree that the ‘in between treatments’ period is a prime target for those black thoughts.
I too am usually positive but this cancer really does dominate life at times doesn’t it. In my experience it feels as if you can’t move on or settle to anything.
This is my third round of treatment and after each period I have managed to get back to near ‘normal’ as I ever will be but this blooming waiting gives me too much time to set my own prognosis.
I needed to distract myself whilst waiting for my chemo and jumped the gun yesterday by signing up to go back to work until it begins. I got the call from the Chemo clinic today to go in next Tuesday. That’s my impatience for you.
I hate being at home all day the only way I have distracted myself is to take my daughters dog on long walks, or should that be its taken me. I hate supermarket shopping and usually avoid it like the plague but lately I have been seen browsing round the baked bean tin aisle.
I hope those darker feeling subside in the very near future and tomorrow is a really good day for you.
Carol
Hi Julie and all
I am going for my planning session this afternoon and start my rads on Tuesday 27th November, until Monday 7th January. It looks as if we will be going through this together - at least for a few weeks!
I am not looking forward to rads at all. I am lucky in that I had WLE and SNB and they found my nodes were clear, so no chemo. My problem is that the tumour was less than 1mm from the chest wall and I have to have extra bursts to the tumour bed after my 5 weeks of rads - and I have been warned that it could scar my lung (I’d already been told to expect bad burns as I am a big girl - F cup). I am still sore from surgery and hope that goes before the soreness from rads starts!
You are right about the hanging around at home. I am very lucky, as for the first time in years, the waiting time at my local hospital is down to 3-4 weeks, so I haven’t had much of a wait. I find it hard to concentrate on reading (my usual refuge) and TV long ago lost its charm. As I am still sore under my left arm, I find it hard to do anything which moves my arm against my body and anyway, I’m not really up to much concentration. Browsing the Internet and looking at places I hope I will be able to visit one day helps alleviate the boredom.
I am generally very positive about the whole process, but sitting around and thinking, it does tend to focus one’s thoughts on things it would be nicer to ignore. Mind you, when I think about it, a lot of people I know and see around the place appear even more gloomy - perhaps it’s November - not us!
Let’s hope that all of us can get through this time with a smile and a song - well maybe not the song!
take care,
Hope the retail therapy today did the trick, it has worked for me over the past few months. My credit card has never had such a bashing!!!
I am having my treatment in Reading and went for my planning session and tatoos yesterday which was fine. After grotty chemo, rads really doesn’t bother me just got to be done. We will definately have to compare notes when we all get going on the rads road.
Like you I am at home all day (have been off work since August) but now I am starting to feel a bit more human I do find my mind going into overtime and thinking the what ifs!!! Like Lesley the novelty of daytime tv wore off around September and with the turn in weather cannot enjoy the garden.
Yes, pleased to say the retail therapy worked - and I’m off into town again this afternoon - LOL !
I’m glad to know I’m not alone with these dark (some might say “silly” thoughts). I can definitely relate to the daytime tv thing - that novelty wore off me too after a few weeks, and once my hubby goes to work, and the kids go to school, the house just seems sooooo quiet !. I’m still not used to it.
You’re right though Jackie - we CAN get through this !
Thanks for your comments… glad I gave you a laugh!! Where would we be without a sense of humour…
Just wanted to wish you luck with your rads. I’ll be reading your comments as you progress, if you don’t mind, as I’m already at the planning stage in my head! My Onc keeps saying “one step at a time” but that’s too slow for me… I’ll be half-way into next year before Christmas…lol
Even though I’m still in middle of chemo I sometimes worry about whether it wouldn’t have been better to have rads first and then chemo… since all of blighter was in the breast to start with. But I guess they know what they’re doing! We need to believe that, anyway.
Hiya…ive finished all my rads now…mid september time. The darkside always pops up when your inbetween your treatments…sounds silly, but now mine is all done (apart from tamoxi) I think i was happier (freaky i know) when having treatments than not if that makes sense.
They have to go through all the horrible possibilities before you sign that magic form etc. I was told my heart and lungs would be scarred as well as other bits and pieces…mostly its all worse case scenarios…and as we cant see inside our bodies then we worry more.
I had hysterectomy 3 weeks ago…and at the pre-op check the nurse who was doing the check said…that unless she hadnt physically examined me, read my file…and had done my mastectomy pre-op she wouldnt have known that id had any treatment whatsoever. My heart and lungs are fine, with no sign of any scarring at all, bloods are all fine and back to normal…in her words im obnoxiously healthy…and how the blooomin heck (well she used different words) thats happened with everything thats been thrown at me and that my bodys gone through is anyones guess…kind of felt smug all day after that lol. Was nice to phone people and say…im obnoxiously healthy…and your not lol.
Hi guys
start my rads tommorow in Reading so am a bit anxious as to what to expect. Think I might take your advice and go for a bit of a shop afterward.
I’ll let you know how it goes (the rads, not the shopping)!
Jilly
x
I had my first rads in Reading yesterday. Please don’t worry all the staff are lovely and explain everything to you. I was in and out in 15mins (maybe I was lucky). Hope all goes well for you today, you never know we may meet each other in the waiting room in the next few weeks.
