Need some support

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So this may be a long post (sorry).
A year ago I thought my life was good, I was I thought happily married to my second husband after being widowed at 33. We had been together for 16 years and married for 14 when he suddenly announced he was leaving me. He completely trashed our life and made it impossible to resolve including comments like “there is nothing in our marriage worth saving”. Since then I have struggled to rebuild my life including dealing with 2 major family illnesses. A couple of months ago I would have said I was content, the financial settlement was being dealt with and I knew I could keep my home. I was doing well at work, its fair to say work saved me, and I could sort of see a future. Then I found my lump. My GP was pretty upbeat but the specialist clinic told me without the biopsy results that they had no doubt it was cancer. Spread to lymph nodes but luckily other scans clear. Grade 2 Multi focal is all I know, I have no idea what sort etc. The surgeon was great but clear I would need what he winningly described as extensive surgery. Decided to have chemo first as it seemed more dealable with and have had 1 lot of EC with my second planned for friday.
I tried the cold cap but over the last 2 days my hair is falling out in clumps and I am really starting to lose control. I feel so angry that this has happened, that the job I love is being taken away from me (my job involves extensive travel), that my husband is with a new woman, my family are so far away. The week of my first chemo my dad died and I had to go to his funeral in Ireland as well as have a portacath fitted and my first chemo. I don;t think I have even begun to accept my dads death.
So, I just don’t think I want to go on. I have had some bad things happen to me, I had a bad car accident at 26 and lost my leg at 29. My first husband died of HiV and I spent 3 years looking after him. I was too scared to take a test myself so spent 5 years in fear, luckily I was OK. I had allowed myself to believe the bad times were over and now this. I feel so alone and I can’t believe losing my hair is freaking me out so much. At the moment I just don’t want to have any more treatment. My lump is big and had obviously been there a long time so its not like I will suddenly die.
I am also so frustrated with the breast care nurses at the hospital I go to, they are always so busy and have promised to call me so many times and then don’t. I am having my chemo privately and since that decision i have heard nothing from them at all. How am I supposed to do this alone, sort out wigs etc, I don’t understand how I am supposed to get help.
Because of everything I have been through people keep telling me how strong I am, but that is so wrong, I am a complete mess. I sort of feel better for thinking no more chemo but am I just being a coward?

sorry for the rant, I am almost embarrassed to have written all this.

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Dear Kipper107

Welcome to the BCC Forum. You have come to the right place for support from fellow members. You could also give our helpline a call to talk things over. They can offer you emotional support as well as practical information. The opening times are 9-5 on weekdays and 10-2 on Saturdays. The number is 0808 800 6000.

If you need support outside these times, the Samaritans Helpline is open 24 hours . The number is 08457 90 90 90

Very best wishes

Janet

BCC Moderator

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Hi kipper107,

Your post brought tears to my eyes, never give up, there is plenty of ladies on this forum who will give you support and advice. Please contact the helpline they are brilliant.
You have came through so much in your life and will come through this. xxxx

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Hi…just logged on for a little lurk when I saw this post…don’t really know what to say to you but didn’t want to read and run…life can be a real bugger at times and you seem to have been through the mill…it is very cathartic to write things down so don’t be embarassed at all…there is much support for us ladies on this site from one another…don’t be freaked at your hair…it is just hair and will grow back…just want to send you a big cyber hug from me and I know other ladies will be along soon to offer more support…apple

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Hi Kipper107, This also brought tears to my eyes. I really feel for you hunny. To be honest I don’t really know what to say but again like the lady said above I didn’t want to read and run. Just wanted to give you a big cyber hug and to let you know that wyou will never be alone on this site. The ladies and men on here are amazing and they will all be along soon to lift you up a little. Please don’t give up! As hard as it is try to hang on in there and please please call the helpline they will help you.
Sending (((((hugs)))))
Sara x

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Hi kipper this post is so sad you are going through a very emotional time and have so much to deal with. I wonder where you are based, there are lots of support in here and regional meet up groups. Maybe you could join one of these and actually meet some of us face to face for support. Please try to keep positive things will get better for you x

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Hi. Have just read your post and want to reach out and hug you. Wish there was more I could do but know that you will gets lots of support from the lovely people on here. No one will ever understand how you feel but it helps to talk and share your fears, feelings and worries so please keep in touch.
Big hugs
Emma xx

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hi there
like everyone here has said we all just want to reach out and hug you, the ladies on here are brilliant and there is always someone around whatever the time that will help you, take all the help you can wherever you can - you can do this, we are all with you
speak to the helpline they really are brilliant and will point you in the direction of services that might be able to help you
hugs
Karen x

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Hi Kipper107,

Felt I had to reply as I’m a little further down the road than you - but also on my own. If I could jump through the screen and give you a hug, I would.

My husband died unexpectedly of cancer in February 2012. I was 51. I was then diagnosed with BC in November. My only thoughts at the time were “how the hell am I going to get through this on my own?”. I was also supposed to be providing care for my father who is in his 80s and lives a few hours away.

There’s so much going on in your life, you cannot do everything. I’m so sorry you have also lost your father recently. There is, however, no rules, no time-line nor time-limit for grief. You can grieve when you are ready to - and now may not be the right time.

To cut a very long story short, I’m still here. Had two ops, now getting towards the end of chemo and will then have radiotherapy. I never thought I’d get through surgery, let alone the rest. And - yes - I lost all my long fair hair and am bald!

I won’t lie to you and say that’s it’s easily doable on your own - because it’s not. But it is doable. I have had to sort out alternative care for my father. It took me a long time to realise that I had to put myself first and say no to some things. Some of my friends have been OK, even helpful. Others have run a mile. They also think I am “doing so well, being so strong” - but do not witness the inner turmoil. It’s very lonely at times, but by taking it one day at a time, I have got this far. You will as well.

The BCC Helpliners have been helpful and reassuring as have the women on this forum. I would not have managed without them. I joined the Valentines thread (Starting Chemo in February) and my head has been kept above water by these wonderful women. You will find advice and tips for all the practical stuff (wigs, money issues, food, side-effects etc.) on the forum. And if it’s not there, post a question. It will be answered.

We all have a choice when it comes to our treatment. Like you, I chose to take what was suggested - although I have felt like giving up several times. I just needed a little extra help (emotional support) to get through. Hopefully we can do that for you too.
Take care and feel free to PM me at any time
Gill
x

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Hey. I just wanted to say I read all your post and wanted to give you a virtual hug too. I feel I’ve had a hard life sometimes but you have had it very Hard. I think there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m sure ladies on this site that are in your area too you could meet up with xxx

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Thank you so much for all of your replies. It means so much to feel those cyber hugs. Today is a big day as my house stuff is finally sorted and my house will be mine. My sister is arriving later to help me through my second chemo that starts tomorrow. I have decided to give up on the cold cap as yesterday about a quarter of my hair fell out at the front leaving a massive bald patch so I guess it mustnt have been tight enough. I was proud of myself as I just put on one of the little yoga caps and went off to work, no one said a word and it was all OK :slight_smile:
I tried floating the idea of no more chemo with my sister and she was not very supportive so perhaps I just need to do it. I have to remember that I have been working and felt ok ish so its only a few days of feeling unwell.
I think i also need to not see my husband anymore, it just hurts me so much and makes me so angry. I need to do stuff for me and maybe that is not seeing him.

thank you again for all the support, it means alot.

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Another cyberhug coming. Join the chemo group for May, you will find going through the same thing together is supportive, even in the middle of the night. The helpline is also very very good for support and information. I think you need to talk to the support line if you are having second thoughts about your chemo. At least you will get impatial information. It’s a hard conversation to have with your sister. You can get through this as you have already shown your strength getting through life and its many traumas. Take care of yourself. x

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Big big hugs for you. What a horrible time but hopefully inner strength will push itself forward and push you to the right decision. Dealing with a difficult emotional situation at the same time must be a nightmare for you. I know it is difficult (God knows I am a complete wimp about all this) but try to put your husband out of the equation and seriously concentrate on you. I sense an inner steele and you need to let that come out. Try to get all the emotional support from every source you can. You can do this. Lots of love xxx

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big hug from me too, have been feeling like I’m being beaten with a big stick with one thing after another but yours is a completely defferent kettle of fish. I always think that we are only given what we are able to deal with but some moments in our life seem so very difficult to deal with.
I lost my lovely husband to lung cancer 6 years ago and the grief that I felt was so unbearable, I so wanted to be with him and it was only my 2 year old grandson that kept me going. He’s 8 now and will never realise the huge impact he had on my life. He’s my little star. Now as a family we have been dealt another blow but we will get through it together, eventually.
All problems hopefully come to an end eventually so try and keep strong. I am trying but i know it’s hard
I only joined this site last night and was sat here till about 1 am - tearful at some of the stories, hopeful at some of them but overall impressed with the kindness of all you lovely ladies who have been touched with this illness.
love to you all x

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Hi Kipper107,
I just thougt Id check in to see how you are doing today? I’m so pleased you have had lots of Messages of support. Also pleased you got your house sorted. One thing out the way eh… Glad your sister is with you too for next chemo. I agree that maybe not seeing your ex is a good thing. You need to concentrate on you now and be kind to yourself. I went through a marriage break up last year and its bloody tough. Keeping my distance in the end was the only way. . The anger I felt was awful. Horrible emotion.
You have so much to deal with as well I can’t imagine how you feel to be honest. Admire you though loads, still going to work through all of this as well. Massive respect for you.

Hang on in there ok you can do this!
Lots of cyber hugs !

Sara xx

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Dear Kipper

I was so sad to read your story, it s awful to feel alone. But when you become a member of this site, you are never alone. Please take JEW’s advice and join either the May group or the new June Jewels group. You will find all the support, love and friendship you will need to help you through this. I know as I’m a February Valentine and have made many virtual friends. I couldn’t do without them now.
Like the others, I’m sending (((BIG HUGS))) and sending you love and positive thoughts.

Poemsgalore xxx

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Kipper sweetheart, just read your post, please stay on here and keep in touch with us all, we are here for you and will support you all the way, sending you a massive hug xxx

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hi Kipper new to all this and so scared myself, but blimey heart goes out to you. You sound like a strong lady and im sure even with your wobbles you will manage all this crap. Got surgery myself 18th june before chemo and rad. Life dosent seem fair at all but keep telling myself there must be a reason for all of this, perhaps its to help someone else later on in life who knows? anyway your not alone , big hug x

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Hi Kipper I too am newly diagnosed just on Friday past and have to see consultant on Wednesday to plan the way forward.
I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. Sending you big hugs x

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Kipper - I see you haven’t been on for a while and just wanted to check in with you. I’m from the June Jewels and I’ve just had my 2nd cycle of chemo yesterday.

If you are going through chemo in June it would be great to have you in our little band of cocktail swilling Jewels xx